BDSM and former child abuse victim

[BrightFyrefly]

Hello everyone,
I have been having a little trepidation in regards to my lifestyle choice recently. I enjoy my mates, and everything that we do, but I am a little afraid that my LONG history with being a child abuse victim is making it very easy for me to be okay with being called names and pushed and/or punished during sex. I have never felt okay with normal therapists (try being a teen and telling one that you LIKED being abused...that went over well). I just...need someone who is in the lifestyle and has been longer than I to tell me that I'm not just interested in asphixia play and name calling because I'm used to it.

Please help.

Fyrefly

[wingsofanangel]

You will find lots of support here. Many here, including myself have been victimized in different ways.

I worried about this myself. "Am I doing this just because of what happened?!"

Then I stopped and asked myself. "Am I happy? Do I enjoy what I am doing? Do I feel safe? "

I realized, I am happy. Completley. And when I am doing something that is a bit kinky or full blown bdsm, I don't even think about what happened.

Perhaps therapist could be right, but, if this is helping to cope and you're happy, why stop?

Now if BDSM serves as a trigger for you and puts you back into the bad situation or makes you upset, you may want to rethink certain aspects.

But BDSM relationships to me are often times MUCH more romantic, safe, caring, and just generally involved. Many good Dominants I have seen care for and fawn over their subbies with great love and admiration and these subbies are in more loving and safe relationships then many vanilla ones I have observed.

When it comes down to it. Are you happy? If so, then just let it be is what I say.

Therapists try to explain away every action and reaction. I personally think its better that you are able to have the experiences you do and still be able to function sexual and have relationships rather than turning into a sexual hermit and avoiding it all together.

And unfortunatly, you will never know "who" you would have been without these experiences, but who knows you may have liked them regardless.

As long as you maintain safe, sane, and consensual practices, I personally see no harm.

-hugs-

[wingsofanangel]

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730&highlight=sexual+abuse

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15546&highlight=sexual+abuse

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14674&highlight=sexual+abuse

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15891&highlight=sexual+abuse


There are a few threads that offer support for those here who have gone through abuse and also some threads that are about bdsm vs abuse and the differences.


Also, Google "sexual abuse and bdsm" the first website that comes up at leather and roses has some great articles about this. I particularly enjoyed the one entitled "Bdsm and Child abuse" by Raven. But there are many different ones on several aspects of abuse.

[denuseri]

we actually have a social support group here for survivors of abuse, we meet once a month or so in a private chat room for first person theraputic disscussions

feel free to look in the submissives couch for the thread called "abuse support for submissives" it is full of good information to specifically help those in our way of life and or contact myself by pm if you want more information on mentorship in joining the abuse support group sancturary

here is a direct link posted bellow, i havent had time yet to talk to admin about including it in the new health sections of the forums

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730

[BrightFyrefly]

Thank you guys so much...just hearing that I'm not "twisted by what happened and letting myself continue to be abused" is something that vastly relieves my mind. I am going to check out those other things and see if there are other subs who wouldn't mind talking.

[denuseri]

We are not broken, we are not alone.

I just hope we can be of help to you my sister.

[HelenaKitten]

Wow. I'm not the only one...nor will I be the last.


I too have been abused in many ways. I didn't enjoy it because it was forced upon me.

Now that I am with My Master, and we talk things through. We talked about certain rps and acts that I am not comfortable with and we deal with it.

It also helps to have a very understanding Master (as I have found in my case.)


Hope things are going good for ya!

[fiddanua]

As a psychology student, I frequently psychoanalyze myself and my methods. I was abused as a child by my mother; physically, mentally, and emotionally. And for as long as I can remember, I have been a masochist.
Psychologically all children crave attention from their parents, and the only attention I frequently recieved was abuse. So somewhere with in my mind I associate pain with feeling loved and valued, since that was all I was exposed to. And now as an adult I am easily aroused by simple acts of dominance.
It's taken awhile to make my mate understand that in the right circumstances I enjoy being hurt, but now he understands and tries to feed my fetishes.
There is nothing wrong with being a masochist, and as long as your happy with it there is no reason to change.

[Veronika]

But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

[Flaming_Redhead]

If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

It sounds to me as if you're making the preposterous assumption that one needs to be in a "healthy relationship" to ever experience happiness. I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm quite able to feel joy irregardless of my relationship status.


This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

I'm happy that you finally figured it out. Me, I had it figured out as a teenager. I knew I didn't deserve all the crap I was getting at home. I still find it hard sometimes to take a compliment, but I don't take anyone's crap.


And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

With a good man, you *can* please him. It's not an endless cycle of never being good enough and trying harder and still not being good enough. I'm sorry you have yet to experience making someone happy who makes you happy.


This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

Don't try to force your definition of love onto everyone else. Humiliation, degradation, hurt, and name-calling are all about SEX, and because he cares about me and cares about whether or not I enjoy sex with him, he does what needs to be done to please me. If he didn't respect me, I wouldn't be with him. I don't tolerate disrespect from anyone, most certainly not you. I trust him. He has never done anything to warrant suspicion. When we are together, there is joy and harmony. I think it's safe to say after a year and a half that there is a commitment. Even though we are monogamous, I don't presume to know what love is or is not for others who might choose a different way.


I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

You're confusing FUN with abuse. It's not the same treatment at all. How can you possibly confuse getting strapped by a drunk step-father who hates you with a sensual spanking from the man you love? I feel very special to be with him. I am happiest when I can spend time with him. He's probably more than I "deserve" after the way I've behaved at times, but I'm not complaining.

[SubmissiveDoll]

Veronika,

From the few posts you've made here today... I'm willing to bet that you are NOT into the D/s lifestyle. You seem out to criticize more than join in a conversation. Now, I'm going to explain this as best I can. I hope you read it, retain it, and learn something.

ABUSE VICTIMS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY INTO BDSM!!! NOT ALL PEOPLE IN BDSM LIFESTYLES HAVE BEEN ABUSED!!!
*cough*

Yes, previous childhood traumas can drive people to seek out behaviors that are not healthy for them. Like, drugs, alcohol, and sex. However, some people are able to move past trauma. You are speaking with a very jaded and non informed opinion when you speak about this topic.

I in no way confuse pain with love. They are very different things. I know just about everyone here is able to distinguish the difference as well. Don't begin to assume that people in a D/s lifestyle are ignorant. Statistically people who belong to the BDSM community are of above average intelligence, and generally are middle to upper class when it comes to finances. Feel free to check into that one. Hell if you want some really solid information on childhood trauma vs. BDSM try here... http://www.psychologytoday.com/ I'm a major in psychology, and plan to branch that out into sociology. My point... I study people and groups of people. Thats what I do with my life.

I have no major childhood issues that drive me to live in this lifestyle, I do it because it feels right.


But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony. Between one man and one woman.

I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

[CookieMan]

But could it be that because of the abuse you don't know any better and you link abuse and love together and feel "happiness" which is in fact not that. If you have never been in a healthy relationship how would you know what being happy feels like?

I think I summed up everything I needed to with the bolded words there. You don't know any better. I'm sorry that you were a victim of child abuse, but that does not give you the right to try to push your feelings/beliefs/rhetoric on other people. Yes, it's sad and a crime that you had to suffer for your parents' failings, but as with anything, to survive...you must move forward. As far as 'happiness' goes, it doesn't require a relationship, healthy or otherwise. I've been happy with someone, I've been happy alone. All that really matters is that you're happy.


This is something I had to admit to myself. It was hard to admit that because of the most important relationships of my life(parents) my emotional life became twisted. I was looking for the abuse over and over again. And turned down everyone who treated me good and right. I felt uncomfortable around people who actually liked me. I thought deep inside that I deserved to be humiliated, lied to, and left alone for a long time.

Unfortunately, here is where I really start to disagree heavily with you. I feel that you have NOT worked through anything. You've seen it, you've recognized it...but instead of working THROUGH it, you've slammed a lid on it, covered it up, and let it fester until you finally let some of it seep out...into judging a rather large segment of society. But hey, if I'm wrong, I'll apologize and eat my hat.


And because of the "good moments" the abuser shows from time to time that is what makes you want to stick in and make it work! Because you seem to think that if you just please him hard enough he will love you eventually. And you just wait and wait. And get disappointed again.

Having dealt with abusive parents and family members, I feel I have a fairly good handle on these things. As a very young child, I'd have agreed with you. However, from the time I could REASON things out with LOGIC, I realized that what was happening to me wasn't my fault. I accepted that I couldn't change it, worked through it, and then decided to live my life my own way. Judging by your HIM there, I'd say you were the victim of abuse by a male figure. That or you believe that there are no female Dommes, which is rather incorrect.


This is not love. Love is not about humiliation, degradation, hurt, abuse, name-calling, making you walk on egg-shells. No! It's about respect, trust, commitment, joy and harmony.

Love is what love is. To me, it's something completely foreign to you, much the same as to you, it's something completely unrecognizable to me. Much of what you labeled there as 'not love' are merely tools that a Dominant person uses during scenes to make the submissive happier. Respect, trust, joy, harmony, and commitment...these are ALL things any D/s relationship has in large quantities. Without them, the relationships would fail and people would be severely injured.


Between one man and one woman.

Hmmm. Homophobic much? Or is it because you feel the bible told you it's wrong?


I think this is why people become masochists. It's something very psychological and it can be dangerous for a fragile person to start messing your mind with this. How is getting the same treatment going to heal you? How is it supposed to get your self-esteem higher? Wouldn't you think it just increases the depression and anger inside of the abused person? Confirms to him/her that this is what he/she deserves.

For most people, the pain is just a physical manifestation of the mental/emotional anguish. However in a D/s world, the pain is a way to heighten senses, drive the adrenaline and endorphins through the roof. My doll, for instance. In normal, every day life, isn't a fan of pain. However in a scene, she'll take the pain and thrive through it. Pain and pleasure receptors in the mind are nifty things, very easily confused. If I didn't respect and love my doll, I'd never say the things to her that I do during a scene. I'd use them during every day life. There is a vast difference between the two. During a scene, calling her by vile names is yet another tool in my arsenal to drive home the point that she's mine. Mine to love, mine to care for, mine forever. I've watched her go completely unhinged on others for using less offensive words to her, so I'd say your point on 'lowering self-esteem and increasing depression' are just about as moot as possible.

With those words, I leave you, Veronica. I hope you come to realize that we're all people, just that some of us aren't nearly as open-minded as others.

[Veronika]

Flaming redhead-I was talking about pleasing an abuser. I know what it's like to make someone happy- Who makes me happy in return. That was the difference. The abuser just took and never gave!

Actually sex is mirroring what happens in the whole relationship. What happens in the bedroom is not totally separated from the rest.

Disrespect? When was I disrespectful to you? In fact you are replying to me in that way. I was just having a different opinion. It happens in discussion forums sometimes and it shouldn't make you defensive if you are not insecure about something. I am entitled to my own opinions and so are you, right?

SubmissiveDoll:
I never said all people in BDSM have been abused. I was commenting on the first post.

You are both taking it very personally what I said. Why? I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about myself. And it's not nice for a newbie to be attacked if she's asking questions. People who have good self-esteem tolerate different opinions. Where is your toleration?

Take care, peace.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Sex doesn't always have to mirror what happens in the whole relationship. There are times of sweet lovemaking, but I prefer hair pulling and dirty talk because it really turns me on to be his slutty little ass fuck. The rest of the time, there isn't name-calling because that would just be hurtful and serve no good purpose. In fact, he does his best to ensure that I feel good about myself, even when I know I have wronged him.

You were disrespectful to everyone here by making assumptions about whether or not we're conscious of what we're doing and whether or not we know what happiness is. Everyone's entitled to their opinions, but I felt that what you said was not in the spirit of open discussion but rather argumentative and narrow-minded.

I tolerate different opinions. What I don't tolerate is disrespect. In the future, you might want to try not coming across as preaching that we must all be ignorant, angry, depressed, unhappy people who seek out abuse because we don't know what love is.

[denuseri]

On that note all I can say ironically is AMEN SISA!!! lol


It isnt that we seek out bdsm becuase we were abused.

It is that we can still find bdsm enjoyable despite our abuse!!!!

[satisfied]

on that note all i can say ironically is amen sisa!!! Lol


it isnt that we seek out bdsm becuase we were abused.

It is that we can still find bdsm enjoyable despite our abuse!!!!

exactly!!

[Veronika]

You were disrespectful to everyone here by making assumptions about whether or not we're conscious of what we're doing and whether or not we know what happiness is.You represent everyone? And again those reactions are on your responsibility. You chose to be offended by a post of someone who has different views. If you were totally comfortable about your views you wouldn't have cared.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I don't know if you're deliberately misunderstanding me. I've been a member here for a couple of years, and I like this community a lot. I stand up for myself, and I stand up for my friends. Hell, I'll stand up for people I don't know if I perceive that someone is being unfair or judgmental. Believe me, I am completely comfortable with my views and my choice of lifestyle. I am quite open about it. Half of my family knows, and the other half who I know for a fact wouldn't even try to understand has no idea because I don't go out of my way to offend people or freak them out. If you want tolerance and acceptance here, you have to show some.

[SubmissiveDoll]

The only response this gets is... WOW... This is the equivalent of saying "Nu Uh!" The fact that people get offend has NOTHING to do with whether or not they are comfortable with their views. I'm comfortable wearing jeans, if someone gave me shit about that, I'd bitch them out too.



You represent everyone? And again those reactions are on your responsibility. You chose to be offended by a post of someone who has different views. If you were totally comfortable about your views you wouldn't have cared.

[jezabel]

[ And it's not nice for a newbie to be attacked if she's asking questions.



yes ur right veronika, its not nice to treat a newbie like this...but if that newbie is disrepectful to others, intolerent to others views and comes across as downright argumentative...then that newbie should accept that people will not tolerate it.

to imply that those involved in bdsm are all wrong is gonna get peoples backs up...take ur time on here, learn something about the life before posting such defametary statements....in other words learn some manners

[jezabel]

and im sorry to all for going off the topic...please accept my apologies

child abuse is far too important a subject for such trivialities!

[his_girl_l]

I think there is confusion here about cause and effect, especially in veronika's posts.

Sexual abuse histories do seem to be disproportionally present among submissives.

After much thought, about both my experiences and others though, i don't think that submissives are drawn to BDSM because of past abuse.

i think it is far more likely that abusers are drawn to submissives, especially as children, because our inherent need to please can make us very easy to victimise.

[E.C. Holland]

Hello everyone,
I have been having a little trepidation in regards to my lifestyle choice recently. I enjoy my mates, and everything that we do, but I am a little afraid that my LONG history with being a child abuse victim is making it very easy for me to be okay with being called names and pushed and/or punished during sex. I have never felt okay with normal therapists (try being a teen and telling one that you LIKED being abused...that went over well). I just...need someone who is in the lifestyle and has been longer than I to tell me that I'm not just interested in asphixia play and name calling because I'm used to it.

Please help.

Fyrefly

If your therapist expressed shock at you having complex feelings about your childhood sexual abuse, he/she was both unprofessional and inexperienced.

[Matin]

fyrefly,
when i was a boy i was both physically and emotionally beaten. the only reason i mention this is to say that as a new dom - to a woman who was also abused - yes i cause her pain. DURING PLAY. and we both know the difference. its the same with the names, and cookieman pegged this for me, i call her all sorts of things, and constantly add new words, but if one should cause a bad reaction, well, thats out the window.

just because i was abused does not NOT mean i would ever abuse her. and she doesnt take it as such. its all in the intent. she is cherished and i hope like hell she knows it; i sure try to communicate that.

i think theres a good possibility that my early life may have contributed to my lifestyle, and same with my beloved, but really, in the end, we have a more fulfilling relationship than most vanilla couples we know.

if your lifestyle choices are causing you pain, emotionally, perhaps you need to step back and try to get some clarity. but keep in mind that the places we come from only dictate our destinations if we let them. if that didnt make sense its because its a hard concept for me to express.

email me if you want a longer fable that expresses it better ^.^

sorry this was so damn long but its a hot topic for me. i hope you find serenity.

[moonwytch]

I have read this post extensivly and *eyes veronica* I have determined that there are thos of us who just dont get it!! Who are you to understand or claim I do not know what happiness is.. let me say this ...I do know what it is because i know sorrow and this tells me and teaches me that Im in a happy place 90% of the time..but i digress!
I too was abused in so many ways it is hard to grasp how one who has been treated so can judge another..we are all children of some form or another..we can phsycoanalize it till the cows come home and yet we have chosen this venue to make us happy.. I KNOW that ive come along way baby from the little girl i was to the woman of strength i am today and Ill say *eyes veronika* this I have come out of a dark and desolate hole reaching for the light and have entered the light in bdsm.. it has shown me that I am 1. not alone...2 that my kink is not a bad or ugly thing..and 3 that it has nothing to do with my abuse ..quite the contrary..it shown me that my kink is my life raft and my happyness!! and to Brightfyrefly.. well I think Youre name says it all, you too have come out of this darkness markedly different and know who you are..in what youre asking: question nothing, feel guilt for no thing, and honor you heart and be just who you are a happy Brightfyrefly!!

[leo9]

Sexual abuse histories do seem to be disproportionally present among submissives.

Actually, people who have done controlled statistical studies have not found this. But one could easily get that impression from fora like this one. I believe that this is a case of reporting bias.

BDSMers as a group are more self-aware and articulate than average (this is borne out by quantitative studies!), and clearly feel safe revealing their feelings in places like this. Therefore, you will find more people reporting a history of abuse than you would in vanilla circles, even if the actual number of abuse survivors is no greater than average.

[moco]

when people tell me that they are submissive BECAUSE of past abuse, I tend not to think that way...

you dont hear Dominants going around saying I am into bdsm because I was abused...

maybe they were already submissive...it was there before the abuse...so then they are really a submissive person who HAPPENED to be abused. just as there are Dominants who HAPPENED to be abused

Lots of people get abused, it happens every day...to submissive and to dominant...

this is just my $ 0.02 on it, and only my opinion....

[leo9]

when people tell me that they are submissive BECAUSE of past abuse, I tend not to think that way...

you dont hear Dominants going around saying I am into bdsm because I was abused...

maybe they were already submissive...it was there before the abuse...so then they are really a submissive person who HAPPENED to be abused. just as there are Dominants who HAPPENED to be abused

Lots of people get abused, it happens every day...to submissive and to dominant...

this is just my $ 0.02 on it, and only my opinion....

Zactly! Like people used to say they were gay because the Vicar groped them when they were ten... till enough people came out who were gay and never been abused in their lives.

Sadly, there are a lot of people with some episode of abuse in their childhood. In my first year in High School I got shoved up against a wall and groped by the school bully, but I know that's not why I'm like this, because I was kinky as a hairpin before I even knew that sex was more than just the way grownups made babies.

[moco]

i dont know why I like bdsm so much, I know it has nothing at all to do with sex, or with my own abuse, although many aspects of bdsm are sexual in nature.
I like the domination...giving ...receiving...for me the d/s relationship requires so much more honesty, trust, respect then I ever received in a regular relationship. that is what I really like about it.