Advice needed

[Decadence]

Can anyone offer me some advice please?

Four years ago began my first relationship with a man whom I met online. We had actually been conversing on and off for over a year before we realised we had a common ground.

I had not known or even heard of BDSM until that point, (when I was 29), and I was shocked and somewhat horrified the way he could just ‘tell’ what I liked.

From this point on we continued to talk, although 4000 miles apart, and I just knew I had come home . To know that I was not some strange woman with weird, somewhat bordering illegal kinky ideas was relieving.

After a year of 8 hour long phone calls each day I decided to meet the man of my dreams, the man who truly opened me up.

The initial meet was nothing out of the ordinary, he was everything he said he was, (large, hard working and Dominant).

However after a few months of being in each others company 24/7 things were obviously not what I thought them to be. I was happy in a big way because he allowed me to be myself. I am what some may term as a “true submissive”. I don’t just scene, nor do I go to any clubs to ‘act’ out some fantasy….. my submissive nature wants to submit 100% to just one man.

However there is a side of me which needs the sexual release as well. He knew all this before we even met, he knew my tastes, likes and dislikes. Now in person he was refusing any attempts to have a sexual relationship.

I am certainly no doormat, I have a mind and a soul just like everyone else and when im not happy I’d show it, albeit respectfully!.

Eventually the relationship ended and I felt as though I had to chop off my own right arm when I left him, but I had spent a long time in my life trying to hide what I really was inside and now that the box was opened (so to speak) I didn’t want the lid closed again, so I decided to spend some time alone and think about what was really important to me in a relationship.

Its hard enough to ‘gel’ in any vanilla relationship but the added factor of wanting/needing a 24/7 lifestyle makes it much harder.

I decided to use a website to just see what others were about, I read endless tales etc.

I then met a local man who was again my dream.

Then history repeats itself, which is why I ask for advice.

Why don’t they want the sexual part?... they are happy with a blow job each morning and night but that’s about as far as they want. I long to be taken, which I have a few times but then they seem to back off as if too scared to go any further. I do know that older men don’t have the libido they had when they were young but crumbs…. Why, if they know they don’t REALLY have the desire, do they not say so in the beginning???... or is it my fault?

[Finding_Fantasy]

Personally, I don't think it is really anyone's fault except for maybe a lack of communication right from the beginning. It is really important to communicate right from the beginning; let each other know what you want from the relationship; what you will and will not do; and find out if you are compatible before you get too serious and end up hurting in more ways than one.

A good tool is a submissive/dominant questionaire which lists a great amount of activities and you can rate them from something you absolutely love to absolutely will not do under any circumstances. You can make a list of activities that are important to you and vice versa, give them to each other, and see how well you match.

One other thing that you have to remember as well is that you both have to be willing to compromise and that your needs are every bit as important as his (although some would disagree with me on that one).

It's not easy finding the perfect match, but if you stick with it you will eventually find Mr. Right and not Mr. Right Now.

[Pandora's Box]

One other thing that you have to remember as well is that you both have to be willing to compromise and that your needs are every bit as important as his (although some would disagree with me on that one).

Agreed. And anyone that doesn't agree with that is someone that you don't want to be involved with.

Communication is really the key. And sometimes you have to read between the lines too. See if what they say is consistent over time. Unfortunately, often times we don't know until we do the "test drive", but good communication should at least weed out most of the riff raff.

Also, and this is something everyone needs to be careful of, try not to let your desires color your perception, nor make you impatient.

:)

[SirW]

Can anyone offer me some advice please?

After a year of 8 hour long phone calls each day I decided to meet the man of my dreams, the man who truly opened me up.

However there is a side of me which needs the sexual release as well. He knew all this before we even met, he knew my tastes, likes and dislikes. Now in person he was refusing any attempts to have a sexual relationship.

I then met a local man who was again my dream. Then history repeats itself, which is why I ask for advice.

Why don’t they want the sexual part?... they are happy with a blow job each morning and night but that’s about as far as they want. I long to be taken, which I have a few times but then they seem to back off as if too scared to go any further. I do know that older men don’t have the libido they had when they were young but crumbs…. Why, if they know they don’t REALLY have the desire, do they not say so in the beginning???... or is it my fault?

I quoted the parts above because I think maybe your expectations are a bit high. In both cases you said you met your dream Dom. Honestly I wouldn't want to be labeled anyone's dream. The pressure would be way too much. No one is ever going to measure up to a "dream". I talked to another recently and suggested she was maybe looking for a "White Knight" to rescue her from all her problems and let her live "happily ever after." Unfortunately most Doms are just real people with all the real problems and afflictions of anyone else.
As to not being able to get the sexual activity or intensity you need, that is a communication problem to a point. I think some men are not as forth coming with their sexual needs as they should be. Also, some would be very reticent to discuss their inability to satisfy a woman sexually. As to age, that is a red herring. I am over 50 and have never been faulted for a low libido. Also older men can utilize drug therapy to assure that performance is never an issue.
It really comes back to the Dominants ability to be honest with the submissive in this very sensitive area. I think if you tone down your expectations a bit and then talk openly what you need and want, you might be able to find a man who can Dominate you and also satisfy your sexual desires.
Good luck and I hope you meet the "One" who completes you.


Sir William

[Barton]

Age has nothing to do with it. As SirW said it comes down to what a person wants for themselves. For many people it is not about sex but control. If sex is an important part of what you want and need from a BDSM relationship, then that is what you must look for as a prime characteristic in a dom.
In the real world dreams do sometimes come true but they must be tempered by reality. Holding a dom to that high an ideal may be letting yourself in for a letdown if things are not perfect. You may overlook a perfectly suitable candidate because of the dream ideal.
Also, a relationship needs to be customized and built. It does not start out perfect.

Barton

[MrJerseyGuy]

Sound like you have a good sex drive Decadence...you need to find a compatible partner. My lil sub is 15 years my junior and has a hard time keeping up at times. I know everyone is different, but at 45 I'm every bit as horny as I was at 25...now I'm just better at it! :)

[Barton]

Sound like you have a good sex drive Decadence...you need to find a compatible partner. My lil sub is 15 years my junior and has a hard time keeping up at times. I know everyone is different, but at 45 I'm every bit as horny as I was at 25...now I'm just better at it! :)


It's all in the mind.

Barton

[Dslave]

Okay, this is going to sound REALLY simple and basic but...

A couple of things:

First, you could simply be draining them. You mentioned they were fine for a blow job but that was it. Well, maybe, that is all they have to give? Sure, some guys can continue after they are drained but alot of guys can't and not only that... you are giving them what they want so why should they continue? Okay okay, submissive nature and all (and, trust me, I do have one) sometimes it takes a little effort and creativity... and determination to make things last. Someone once told me... it's easy to make a man cum but the real challenge is to make him last. Maybe, you need to hold off a little bit. I am not saying deny the man I am saying make the pleasure last. Read some articles and books on tantric sex, it might help. I mean, most men are good for their one cum and that's it and it takes awhile for them to refuel. (Not all but most.)

Second, as others mentioned, communication is a big part of it. Find out what else they like or are into (besides blow jobs) and let them know what you are into (besides giving blow jobs). Use the list on the forum the others were talking about. It's a good list and great fun if you use it with someone. And, it really opens people's eyes to how many things are out there left to be discovered and explored. Don't just get on your hands and knees and open your mouth... open your mouth long before you get on your hands and knees and I bet you will have better results.

Thirdly and lastly, expressing your desires is not a form of dominance or topping. Manipulating to get those desires fulfilled is. Don't settle for someone that you have to manipulate. Settle for someone that WANTS you to get just as much pleasure out of it as he does. Be picky. Make a list of your desires and limits (not just so that he can be more aware of them but so that you can also know what you want). Another wise person said to me... if you don't know what you want how do you expect to find it? Know what you want, don't settle for less.

[Canopus]

It's interesting the traps Doms can fall into. To have a sub on tap 24/7 sadly can lead many to be lazy. Perhaps it is lack of imagination.

In my relationship tehya and I devised the pizza night. It is a night were all roles are dropped, all expectations are removed. It is a time when tehya gets to explore her sexuality.

In essence it is time when anything goes, teyha has permission to try anything she likes, with out any restrictions what so ever. Example she had always had a fascination with latex cat suits, that formed the base of amazing night. A night I must confess would never have entered my head to try.

Whats in it for the Dom. A few things. Some mind blowing sex. A chance for a Dom to see deep inside their subs sexuality, and visa a versa. A few of the things we have discovered have found there way into our D/s relationship. Others, simply didn't work. But at least we had fun finding out :)

[MrJerseyGuy]

It's interesting the traps Doms can fall into. To have a sub on tap 24/7 sadly can lead many to be lazy. Perhaps it is lack of imagination.



We've had some pretty spirited discussion here in the past over views on the lifestyle thing. In my relationship it is very much limited to the bedroom...or specifically planned scenes. In otherwords it's sexually based. Others here prefer it more as a whole lifestyle or behavioral situation. I see some of the lifestylers get...I don't know, almost "annoyed" at those of us who consider it more of a sexual fetish. But as I have advocated often in the past, to each his own. In my case we (as in my sub and I) are on the same page with the Dom/sub arrangement and it works very well for us...so our opinions are the only ones that matter. For the 24/7 types...more power to them. If it works for the couple then who am I to inflict my opinion on them. And I did use the word "inflict" on purpose because I don't see a problem with offering opinion in a non-judgemental way. Not to say that I don't find 24/7 attractive. It just wouldn't work in this relationship and the relationship itself is more important to me on it's own merit.

Back on topic... I doubt if there are any of us here that haven't had a relationship turn out to be a failure. Vanilla or otherwise. Everybody goes into it all starry eyed...but quite often it turns out to be a dissappointment somewhere down the road. How many of us have vanilla friends who are in great relationships? I can think of very few myself. You just have to mourn appropriately and keep looking for the right one.

[woodsman'sgame]

For me my submission involves sex; without it, I am nothing more than a slave. Why? Because the sexual act is to me the ultimate expression of love
between a man and a woman, or between partners. Of course love can be expressed in many ways but what makes "couples" different from friends is the sexual part of their relationship. A Dom who does not include the giving and loving part of a relationship, including the sex, is not a Dom, he is a Master ,and you are no more than a slave.

There is a big difference between slavery and submission. In the first, your needs are never considered by your master except for the most basic ones, in the latter, your spiritual and emotional needs are important to him/her. The sex is important because it is a basic emotional and physical need of human beings.

Men (Doms included) and women can be lazy in many ways, and laziness in the bedroom has ruined many a good relationship. If your Doms enjoyed the blow job and came, then it wasn't that they had problems performing, it simply was that they were too lazy to find out and take care of your needs too.

I have seen it too many times. Marriages/relationships ruined by this lack of consideration and effort by one or both partners.

Age has nothing to do with it. I have known very young men who are sensitive and caring and who work hard to please their partner, and many an old man who knows nothing but slam-bam-thank you ma'am and calls a woman frigid if she doesn't cum during his five minutes of "foreplay."

Decadence, I have the feeling that your "problem" had nothing to do with you.

[Curtis]

I agree with bits and pieces of what several people have said here. To me, the jaw-dropping thing was reading: "they are happy with a blowjob each morning and night, but that's about as far as they want."

The last time I could survive two orgasms a day was around my 28th birthday, and Decadence is saying that two isn't enough!

Now, granted, SHE isn't the one who's having the pair of orgasms, but I really think that if she's expecting in-and-out sex from a guy who's already getting two blow jobs a day, she needs a reality check.

As Canopus says, though, part of the problem may be laziness on the part of her Dom(s). Did it ever occur to him (them) to forgo their twice-a-day blowjob, so that he'd be capable of engaging in some in-and-out?

Perhaps Decadence needs to rethink her drink. The people who suggested improved communications to prevent this situation fron re-arising are being quite reasonable, but Decadence says that she DID discuss her sexual needs (the implication being 'discussed at length') with these "dream Doms", and it didn't help!

MrJerseyGuy and I have debated with BDSM_TourGuide in another thread about the differences in approach between "lifestylers"(24/7) and "enthusiasts". Many lifestylers don't feel that sex is essential to a BDSM relationship, while Mr Guy, woodsman'sgame and I (enthusiasts all) believe that, without sex, there's not a lot of point to continuing the relationship. Maybe Decadence needs to consider trying an enthusiast for a change, and give the lifestylers a rest?

As an aside, it's too bad Decadence never posted again. I wonder how it turned out?

[leo9]

Why don’t they want the sexual part?... they are happy with a blow job each morning and night but that’s about as far as they want. I long to be taken, which I have a few times but then they seem to back off as if too scared to go any further. I do know that older men don’t have the libido they had when they were young but crumbs…. Why, if they know they don’t REALLY have the desire, do they not say so in the beginning???... or is it my fault?

I agree with the other posters who say that your only mistakes are the standard newbie ones: firstly, not negotiating in detail because you assume that you're both using the same words to mean the same thing; and second, not insisting that even as a sub, you have rights in the relationship too.

For me, making a slave come, lots and lots, preferably till she begs me to stop, is one of the loveliest parts of domination; but I know that some guys feel it's more domly to keep her starved of sex. I'm not saying they're wrong - there are probably femsubs out there who thrive on that kind of treatment - but they're clearly wrong for you. So: don't assume that just because a Dom talks a good relationship, he's the Master of your dreams. Ask, describe, discuss, negotiate. "The only dumb question is the one you don't ask."