Female dysfunction...thoughts?

[~kay~]

I've been with Him for about 2 months. He's made a few comments about how I generally have a hard time "cumming": when we play. He's said more than once that it may have something to do with me not having been in a relationship for a few years. I don't know if this is normal. I have fun when we;re together but have only cum a few times since.

Not sure if this is normal. If its just because he's quite a bit older. If maybe its because Im self concious around him, being so new to this....any thoughts?

[Ozme52]

Training. ;)

[Ozme52]

Seriously though, it can be done... He could be working you, tasks to make you cum on command.

Nothing like installing the proverbial 'hair-trigger' so that I can enjoy her loss of control.

[Euryleia]

kay, normal is a very, very wide spectrum and it is more important that you know what is normal for you.

I would first ask you if you can cum easily when you masturbate. Then, think about cumming with him, is it really harder? Or could it be that your Dominant is just not willing to do what is necessary for you to be able to cum. I hate to say this but it is sometimes easy for Dominants to get selfish about their subs pleasure. Don't think you are failing because you don't have a hair trigger--that may just not be the way you're wired.

That being said, I would seek advice from a health professional. Have a complete exam and tell them the efforts it takes to come. They will be able to better tell you if it is really dysfunction of your girlie parts.

[fetishdj]

All women react in different ways to stimulation and sometimes a lack of an ability to cum could simply be because he isn't quite hitting the right places. It could also be due to not taking enough time to make sure you are fully ready.

A lot of it is patience, perserverance and trial and error. Eventually you will find out what works and what does not.

[jeanne]

You state that you feel self-conscious. For me, that was my normal sexual state for years. And yes, I rarely had an orgasm with another. Somewhere along the way I quit feeling that way, starting feeling more comfortable with myself and recognized that I was beautiful - if only to myself and God. And the orgasms began to come easier.

Perhaps as the self-conscious feelings abate, you'll be more able to cum. Remind yourself that if you were not a lovely person, your Dom wouldn't be with you. Most of all, love yourself.

[fetishdj]

Yep, thats true... you cannot orgasm if you do not feel comfortable with yourself and the person you are with and being comfortable with yourself comes first.

[Whippett]

I've been with Him for about 2 months. He's made a few comments about how I generally have a hard time "cumming": when we play. He's said more than once that it may have something to do with me not having been in a relationship for a few years. I don't know if this is normal. I have fun when we;re together but have only cum a few times since.

Not sure if this is normal. If its just because he's quite a bit older. If maybe its because Im self concious around him, being so new to this....any thoughts?

Hi ~kay~ - a few questions - you mention your master's age- and imply quite an age gap - does the age difference intimidate you, or turn you off? If it does, then that may be the start of the issue for you.

If you are excited about the age difference (or at least aren't upset by it) then the issue may lie elsewhere...for example - does your master stimulate you in a sexual sense during play? or does he focus on the pain side? It may be that you need sexual (sensual) stimulation as part of the pain play- at least initially.

Anxiety can also act as a damper for you - you indicate some sense of anxiety as well. If anxiety is the source of the issue, you'll need to address the anxiety to be able to relax enough to cum....

The fact your master is implying that your inablility to cum may relate to lack of a relationship for some time is suspect. That isn't usually a problem - in fact, a period of celibacy tends to have just the opposite reaction (in both women and men).

Euryleia has some valid points about seeking medical advice - there are medical conditions that can cause female dysfunction - it may be just your anxiety is causing the issue - and if that IS the case - both you and your dom may be putting additional pressure on you thus compounding the issue.

Best of luck

W

[Kuskovian]

It sounds like a typical "blame the girl to save the ego" response to me.

Plain and simple.

[craven]

i have to agree with all of the comments mentioned above, it would be a good idea to get some professional guidance and a check up if for not other reason that to reassure you that this is not your problem and that you are fine and that everything is as it should be and working.

Often the anxiety of worrying about such things can be the reason they exist, you should try to relax more and let your body react, maybe an idea to play by yourself more, to experiment what works for you, how to maximise your own pleasure, and turn your body on so to speak, there is no user manual for the human body, we are all pretty much unique.

this is however not your problem, and you are in no way to blame, i agree with whipper, a period of abstinence usually has the opposite effect, you are not being stimulated correctly or adequately, hence your bodies natural actions are not performing accordingly, this is it in a nutshell.

forget cumming on demand or how instructed, learn what your body needs, go play, get yourself relaxed and enjoy yourself most importantly.

It is your body, go have some fun with it. i bet that the more you think about this the harder it gets, difficult i know to say but relaxing and letting yourself go is key here, hence if you can maybe investigate and explore when you feel more relaxed and on your own it would help greatly.

Good luck, and last word i promise there is nothing wrong with you honestly *smiles*

[denuseri]

Sweet heart its certiantly in no way shape or form your fault whatsoever.

For him to expect you to some how majically be in control of mostly autonomical responses like orgasms without some pretty extensive training is farcical and even then the human body being as it is litterally impossible for some girls to achieve an actual orgasm let alone a quick one.

It sounds to me like his comments are a poorly unenlightened and childishly egotistical (a typically "it must be her fault") attempt to justify his own precieved inadeaquacies and protect his own fragile ego as opposed to taking the time to learn how to help you and he achieve true sexual and relational fufiliment together.

Why isnt he here seeking information on how to help his submissive and himself mutually?

I speak from personal experience here sis, when I say I have seen only two types of dominants ( and arguabley one kind isnt really worthy of jack crap in my opiniun)

The first kind missess the forest for the trees and thinks he shouldnt have to lift a finger and that he should be served like a god without reservation nothing is his fualt and he only wants a doormat. (personally i wouldnt pee on one of these types if they were on fire)

The other type is the "loving dominant" who may be hard and stern when nessesary but truelly understands it takes two to tango and will do everything he is aware of to willfully seek out everything and anything to better the relationship in every way he possibly can, he may even blame himself more than his partner when problems arise.

Reformation is sometimes possible with the self centered dominant. Once he becomes aware of his problem.

My best advice to you my sister is this, reject the former and seek the later.

....and for all the dominants out there reading this, I have a question (and yes i hope your own dom sees this post someday my sister i would gladely say it to his face myself):

Which type of dominant are you?

[craven]

i would hope that the answer is obvious to all who know me den, i could not agree more with your post, there really is nothing wrong with you kay, if anything I am pointing the finger of blame such that it need be pointed firmly at your dom, for two reasons, he is unable to stimulate you, and seems to care little about this and secondly to cover his own inadequacies he is blaming you for this, and this is having the knock on effect of causing you anguish and stress which in turn is not helping the situation.

relax and have fun, experiment and play with your body, this is as den says really not your fault and so easy to rectify.

enjoy and er ummm let me know (from my own perving interest only you understand..... i am not going to lie) how you get on.

If you want someone to talk with or anything just give me shout, i really am happy to help and love to hear women cum mmmmmm

take care kay and just have fun and relax

[orchidsoul]

Hi ~kay~,

People have offered such good insight thus far.

Regarding his comment of you not being in a relationship, I think that's a crappy thing to say! However, I also know for me being in the same circumstance (single for a bit)... it sort of has contributed to my having a hard time for the simple fact that I have been in charge of providing my own pleasure regularly... and I know just exactly what/how/where to do what needs to be done.

With that being said, if he takes the time to discover you he will surely make you cum. Communicate with him- let him know what feels good. Mostly, relax and do enjoy your body with him.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with you darlin'. Women are all made up differently (multi-orgasmic, hard to make orgasm, etc) but one thing is for sure- if a man takes his time to discover a woman, he absolutely will bring her bliss.

Good luck.

[fetishdj]

One thing I forgot to mention... in some women I have been with the actual point of stimulation is not actually the clitoris but somewhere close to it. Sometimes, in these women, the clit is actually very painful to touch/stroke so you have to stimulate somewhere close to it to get the same feeling. This is why you do need to experiment and explore to find the right places - every woman is different.

[Dancer]

I want to toss in that the most erogenous zone that a person has is between their ears, not their legs. If he's not doing it for you mentally, be that conscious or unconscious as of yet, then he may well never do it for you physically.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I've been with Him for about 2 months. He's made a few comments about how I generally have a hard time "cumming": when we play. He's said more than once that it may have something to do with me not having been in a relationship for a few years. I don't know if this is normal. I have fun when we;re together but have only cum a few times since.

Not sure if this is normal. If its just because he's quite a bit older. If maybe its because Im self concious around him, being so new to this....any thoughts?

He sounds like my ex-husband. :rolleyes: I don't see what not being in a relationship has to do with anything. If you haven't been sexually stimulated in awhile, your libido can actually decrease which is why I hate cum restriction. However, if you've been regularly stimulated via a vibrator, it could be that your clitoris is a bit desensitized. If vibrator use isn't the culprit, it could be that he just hasn't found out what works for you. As far as his age, I generally find that older men have more experience in knowing how to bring a woman to orgasm, but this IS a generalization since my ex-husband is 11 years older and still an idiot! Anxiety can also cause difficulty in achieving orgasm.

As far as this being normal, I don't know since I don't know what's normal for you. It's very normal for me to have a difficult time cumming with a partner. If I'm focused on pleasing him, I can't focus on having an orgasm. If he doesn't stimulate my clitoris at all or correctly, I can't have an orgasm. He may be too rough with it or not touching the right place. I have had to move his fingers around and tell him what feels good. Usually, though, once he gets me going, I can have multiple orgasms....it just takes me awhile to get there. I warn my partners that it's hard to get me off, and if they act like it's too much work....I find someone who wants the job.

[craven]

I warn my partners that it's hard to get me off, and if they act like it's too much work....I find someone who wants the job.

LOL I love it Flaming Redhead, well said wise words in deed thanks for sharing and making me smile

[~kay~]

Euryleia

It’s not about Him not being willing to do the “work.” Definitely not. And He’s definitely not selfish. Close to an hour of him trying to get me to cum with no results.

I don’t have access to a regular doctor. Clinics only unfortunately and not something I would be willing to go to a clinic for at this point…

Jeanne

To be honest I think my ex fucked me up in the sexual department. I was never this self conscious about myself until I dated him. I never felt uglier until I dated him.

You might be right. Last time was the first time I ever came twice with anyone besides myself (and alone that’s a bit of a challenge). I know He thinks I’m beautiful. I just have a hard time believing that myself.

Whippett

I don’t think the age gap is an issue. It comes to mind every so often but Ive thought it over and it really doesn’t bother me. If it did I never would have answered His ad, because He said his age right from the beginning.

Anxiety is an issue. Has been for years, and more so since I dated my ex.

Craven

The more I think of it the more I think the anxiety is to blame. Just feeling plenty like a failure lately. I know that’s not His intention. *cue horrible anxiety*

Denuseri

Another thing for the anxiety. Having a terrible time from the start actually talking about things. Instead just feels like I’m about to choke and cant breath *yay for anxiety* Don’t think I even left enough info on my first post to be useful.


Anyway…thanks all for the advice. Rearing its ugly head tonight but figured I would finally post back to this instead of just letting it sit and freak out.

[craven]

Hey *hugs Kay close to him* i feel for you i really do, but if you feel that maybe anxiety is playing a playing a part here then at least you know what you have to work on, maybe easier than it sounds i am sure.

But if you talk to your partner, be very open and honest, then maybe you then both in the right environment and setting take your time to explore your body together, no rush, not need to reach the winning post first or second or any time soon, but both realise that by taking the time to explore this together now in a relaxed and intimate way you will both reap the rewards together later.

i really hope that the two of you can work this out together, and please dont let yourself get hung up on it, i know that you will resolve this together.

*hugs you more*

[fetishdj]

Relaxation may be important here. If you obsess about orgasm it will never happen because you are stressed and stress releases all sorts of hormones into the blood which are not conducive to orgasm.

Do a search for something called the Yoni (I think thats the right term, I can't remember which is penis and which is vagina) massage. It is a tantric technique for massaging the vagina. It states in the description of how to do it that the purpose is not orgasm but if it happens thats nice. Basically it is a way of touching and manipulating the vagina to relax and give pleasure without the pressure of there needing to be an 'endpoint'.
Set up lots of candles, burn some essential oils, get comfortable and let him get on with it. Use oils (almond oil, but put no essential oils in there) to remove the need for lubrication. You just lie back and enjoy it without feeling that you need to achieve anything.

If you want to pay him back you can do the same for him sometime but make sure you have some 'you' time so you can relax without needing to worry about anything like your performance.

One more thing: If you can orgasm when you are 'alone', i.e. from masturbation then the chances are there is nothing physical wrong with you. So a doctor may not be needed.

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

This is a subject very close to home for me. I can cum with a vibrator on my clit. I have never ever ever cum from penetration or any kind of stimulation of the area where the g spot is supposed to be. It makes me want to pee. I have done everything imaginable to find one and I do NOT have a g spot. The only way for me to cum is clitoral stimulation. And that can be a task in itself. It has nothing to do with relaxing. I have no hangups about sex or cumming or making noise or any of that crap.
It has been medically proven that some women just don't have a g spot. Nothing irritates me more than people who tell me I just haven't tried hard enough, or THEY could find it. It isn't there. I am no untried virgin. lol. I have had more opportunities than most women get in their entire lives. I am not saying sex is not satisfying for me, but I am saying that there are more times than not that I don't cum. It is just too much work. If I need to cum I can just get out the vibe and be done with it in seconds....most of the time anyway. As for the whole 'cumming on command' thing...I have never believed it and quite frankly never will. But hey, whatever floats your boat!

[shayna{L_D}]

Kay i have the same problem. Hell i have never cum before, even during masturbation. The men i have been with have said the same thing, as your other half has and the same thing as the others who have commented have.

For me i went to the doctor to make sure i actually could cum period, and or to make sure nothing is wrong with me, they say im 'a-okay'. But i am still left with no cumming.

Tasking, and training have been done on me to an extent, and that hasent worked either. Relaxing, and or playing with myself to see what works for me just turns into a marathon with my fingers, and a handful of batteries for my vibe but to no avil. Still cant cum. Ive spent hours on myself, and in the end, just end up falling asleep, or crying from frusteration. Ive had my boyfriends work on me for hours to no such luck. Its not the lack of trying that gets me, and or the lack of fun. Believe me i have a lot of fun when sexual with someone, its just i cant get over the "hump" so to speak.

I personally dont know whats wrong with me, ive been with some great lovers, and some not so great lovers, i guess i think about it as, ill cum in time. -shurgs-

If being self concious was the problem for me then why cant i cum when im masturbating? Ill never know i guess and this question has been asking many times before by me and others on the libarry that have the same problem.

I have no answer for you, but i just wanted you to know that you are not alone in your quest to find the answer, and if i ever find the answer i will let you be the frist person to know.

Good luck!

[icey]

ok odd questions , but do you enjoy the sex or are you left feeling frustrated?
and i mean no insult by this, who is it more important to? you because you feel your missing something? or your Master because he feels he's not satisfying you maybe as much as he could or a bit of hurt ego?

and if you do enjoy the sex and play but for some reason just cant cum then is it really that important, do you think it will make some big difference (pleasure wise) in anyway?
surely the main thing is that you're both relaxed and enjoy it rather than worrying about if you're going to cum or not and getting yourselves worked up because you cant ..it could end up getting to a point where it will be more mechanical than pleasurable.

ok i dont have that 'problem' so i cant really know for sure how it must feel but im happy to admit that there has been the odd occasion where i havnt cum due to tiredness or some such thing yet it has felt just as good and ive not being left frustrated or anything, and i know quite a few girls who can only cum with one specific thing but theyve always found everything else equally as enjoyable.

[Kaitlyn]

are there people who can have an orgasm on command? that just seems crazy but wonderful. I can usually orgasm pretty easily with whatever stimulation but for someone to say a word and boom an orgasm...i dunno:)

[Ozme52]

are there people who can have an orgasm on command? that just seems crazy but wonderful. I can usually orgasm pretty easily with whatever stimulation but for someone to say a word and boom an orgasm...i dunno:)

Yes.

Timing counts... preconditioning helps... ;)

[the_moirae]

Not to horn in on/hijack ~kay~'s thread but I'm compelled to ask...any thoughts on a female who has no problem with orgasms by herself, but either goes numb, or is only able to find a modicum of (emotional/mental) satisfaction in bringing her Dom/Master/partner pleasure/to orgasm?

(And if anyone thinks I should start my own thread re.this matter, please let me know. TY.

[the_moirae]

:bump: (See question in preceding post. Tnx.)

-catie

[rubyred88]

are you on medication for anything?lifestyle factors can have a strong impact on sexual function.personally,i only cum when i use my rabbit :) but orgasm isn't the be all and end all,if it really concerns you,perhaps see a professional health care person.stay healthy and eat well etc etc keep your mind happy too!!

xxx R

[jezabel]

i didnt cum for over 5 yrs after my divorce, even if i masturbated and it has taken time to relax enough with my Master to do it now, but it will get better i sure huni, just give it time xxx

[leah06]

I've been with Him for about 2 months. He's made a few comments about how I generally have a hard time "cumming": when we play. He's said more than once that it may have something to do with me not having been in a relationship for a few years. I don't know if this is normal. I have fun when we;re together but have only cum a few times since.

Not sure if this is normal. If its just because he's quite a bit older. If maybe its because Im self concious around him, being so new to this....any thoughts?

OK, I've kept quiet until now, but I just want to say that a woman's having trouble coming is NOT a disfunction and I think it's a disservice to yourself to tell yourself that it is. Certainly you should not let anyone else tell you that.

Like lots of other things that you do with your body, it can take practice, and the right conditions, and the right mindset - so of course it's good to consider those things, but telling yourself that you're not "functioning" right is untrue and unhelpful.

You're fine.

[the_moirae]

Thank you rubyred88 & jezabel {ukMC} :) :rose: :rose: :rose:

[love2serve]

wow, what an interesting thread you started Kay. I sympathise with you, as I share part of your problem. I have never cum from penetration, I do however enjoy some fantastic orgasms with toys or just by my hand alone. (My husband loves to watch me cum although he still thinks its quite abnormal only to cum this way). The thing which really vexes me is that no matter how much I am stimulated by my Master I have never cum for him. I spend hours literally on the edge, my whole body crying out for release, but find it only ever happens hours maybe, after we have parted. My Master has never mentioned that he has any problem with this but I wish I could cum for him more than anything in the world. (Sometimes I wonder if its guilt - my husband doesnt know that I see my Master? Who knows how the human mind/body react to such emotions) but know, Kay, that we all have our problems where sex is concerned - let no-one tell you that their sex-life is absolutely perfect because if they do they are liars. Jeanne hit the nail on the head with her comments about not being self-conscious about your looks or body as your Master chose you and therefore wants you as you are, not as you wish you were! and Craven as always imparts wisdom as he goes - try to relax and become comfortable with who you are (easy to give advice and not so easy to follow - i know that from experience, lol) but hopefully with the advice from all the helpful people above who have posted replies, and patience on you and your Masters part your goal will be reached. Much luck to you Kay x

[Kahlann]

Cumming from penetration? I thought my friends were just making things up!

Yeah I can't get off that way. Not for lack of trying. My friend instantly had no trouble when she started having sex. Different people need different things. I can only get off from direct stimulation to my clit. I mean it feels great from just penetration, but it can't get me off.

I've had guys get frustrated that it also takes me a long time usually to get off. It's very rare that I can cum in under 20 minutes. Whether I'm in control or someone else. Other people that I know however have multiple in that time. grr.

So the point... It's just how your body is. If he wants to take the time and learn your triggers I'm sure he can bring you to have many more. There's nothing wrong in any way. It's pure biology. I'm sure it all goes back to the fact women are designed to take longer, so that they orgasm after the man, to increase chance of pregnancy. Something about the muscle contractions help to move the sperm up... I haven't taken anatomy is a while.

[buDdha]

Hi Kay, and everyone -- this has been a really great thread to read. :278: I've spent years feeling guilty for having a difficult time cumming. It got to the point where I was afraid to have sex with my hubby b/c I got so anxious about it.

I have to agree with my fellow posters that, for me anyhow, anxiety was a major culprit. The more anxious I got, the more difficult it was for me to relax, to enjoy myself. I've tried worrying less, and although I still only cum sometimes, at least I'm allowing myself the pleasure of intimacy more often.

And that's the second problem, for me. I was so focused on orgasm -- or my failure to do so -- that I wasn't enjoying the play. I kept trying to orient myself to orgasm rather than enjoying subtle sensations. One thing I found that helped was to spend time with myself, and my hubby, just focusing on feeling sensual.

One "task" to try is to enjoy touching (yourself or each other) with the express purpose of NOT cumming. If you know from the get-go that orgasm is not the goal, then you can focus on other things, like appreciating other bodily sensations. You might like to do this every week or whatever, so that you can enjoy the feeling of intimacy without having to worry about being anxious. You might take a nice bath with yourself and just feel the water moving over your body.

I still get really frustrated, sometimes -- good luck, and remember to love yourself for where you're at right now. You're a sweet kitten who needs affection and gentle guidance, and there's nothing "wrong" with you.