What do you consider "red flags"?

[fellintobed]

Please don't give identifying details, as I'd rather this be a general discussion rather than a chance for embarrassment or revenge.

Have you encountered people that send up huge red flags for you? The sort that make your inner voice scream "Run away! Run away!" What are your red flags? What makes you terminate the relationship, perhaps even before it's actually started?

For me, my red flag occurred this week. I'd placed a Craigslist ad looking for an NSA dom to tie me up and generally abuse me. Fun, right? One of the responses I got scared the bejeezus out of me. I didn't even respond because I didn't want this person to have my email address. A paraphrasing of his email would go a bit like this:

"I know exactly what you need. Let me tell you about what I did with another sub. She established her limits - no harsh whipping, no anal. I sensed that she secretly wanted me to violate those limits. So on our first playdate, I whipped her very harshly and told her that she would have to beg for anal in order for the whipping to stop."

Aiiiii! You don't know exactly what I need because we haven't talked yet. Trust and communication are key to a healthy BDSM playdate, and here you're telling me that you don't listen to communication and enjoy violating trust. I'm sure there are subs out there that either enjoy or don't care about their limits being violated - I sure as heck am not one of them. He didn't come across as a dom; he came across as an insensitive jerk, and I didn't even respond to his email, as I didn't want him to have my email address. At all.

Your turn! Share, share away.

[shayna{L_D}]

Oh my god what he said to that other sub was horrible!!!

ive had plenty of red flags go up but never in real life, always online, but i know what to look for.

im really glad you didnt send him anything back, hes scary!

[rsjankowski]

congrats on common sense, for anyone to violate limitations is a horrendous ordasity of trust between playmates?, unless it has been agreed before hand that such things are possible. action such as these are really illegal and assult or rape? charges could or should be inacted, again congrats on being aware.

[leah06]

I think it's a good idea to have an anonymous free email account anyway. That way if you are emailing someone who turns out to be psycho, you can just let that account die off.

[MacGuffin]

Trust and communication are key to a healthy BDSM playdate
How can trust be established when placing a Craigslist ad for a playdate with a stranger. If time is spent really getting to know the guy beforehand then possibly a degree of trust can be established but if not then there is always a risk. One could look at it that you could trust this guy, he told you what he was like and hoisted a red flag for you. Had he said he always respected limits then at the playdate shown his true colors that would have been far worse!

[Piercingaze]

Yeah, I can understand why that would put up a red flag in your head.

[WyldWyl]

There are plenty of things- I can't really identify specifics, but I have a bit of a spidey-sense. Especially for timewasters or fakes.

[tired.of.vanilla{DJ}]

talk to them over the phone. i have done it with three Dom/mes.

1. Turned out to be barely a man at all. He whimpered and whined and complained the whole time. I personally think he was a huge wannabe 18 year old in mommy's basement. Red Flag

2. Turned Scary real quick. Stalker like things like "I am watching you through the window right now" "I want to break in and rape you." and knowing i was scared enough to hang up...called again and said similar stuff! Even left messages about it on the machine. FINALLY i had say enough and stop calling. i am lucky He did when i put my foot down. RED FLAG!

3. Sweet, Sexy, and Incredible...someone who inspires you more in "person" than online. This is a green flag. hmmmm Mistress D'Jade to a "T"

[ukMC]

Red flags for me are people who say they are in one country and then you find they are in africa. People who want you to send them money to come to you. People who you talk to for some time online and then they ask you for your phone number arrange a time to call and then they stop contact completely.

[fellintobed]

Trust and communication are key to a healthy BDSM playdate
How can trust be established when placing a Craigslist ad for a playdate with a stranger. If time is spent really getting to know the guy beforehand then possibly a degree of trust can be established but if not then there is always a risk. One could look at it that you could trust this guy, he told you what he was like and hoisted a red flag for you. Had he said he always respected limits then at the playdate shown his true colors that would have been far worse!

Quite true on that last bit. At least he gave me the opportunity to know that he was (in my eyes) a jerk before I wasted any time on him.

The inevitable consequence of placing a woman-seeking-man ad is getting a lot of responses. Typically (for me) only a few responses will be engaging, well-written, focused on reality (i.e. discussing turn-ons rather than telling an erotic story), and generally sincere (taking the time to tell a bit about themselves, asking about me, and so on). I will email them back in hopes of generating an email exchange that's more of the same, and to confirm that their expectations are sufficiently close to my own. Then we meet - for coffee, in public. We talk about the finer points of play expectations, confirm compatibility, and generally give ourselves a chance to make sure that there aren't any spidey senses a-tingle. Only then would I consent to any sort of play.

Is it risky? Yes. I view it as no riskier than meeting people in a real-life setting, just with the added busywork of sorting and writing/replying to emails. People in real life can creep you out or misrepresent themselves too. Online, you can weed out the folks you don't want near you without them knowing your name or your face... and in that very limited sense, making the initial contact via Craigslist is actually more comfortable, because I can keep *myself* anonymous at my discretion.

[fellintobed]

talk to them over the phone. i have done it with three Dom/mes.

1. Turned out to be barely a man at all. He whimpered and whined and complained the whole time. I personally think he was a huge wannabe 18 year old in mommy's basement. Red Flag

2. Turned Scary real quick. Stalker like things like "I am watching you through the window right now" "I want to break in and rape you." and knowing i was scared enough to hang up...called again and said similar stuff! Even left messages about it on the machine. FINALLY i had say enough and stop calling. i am lucky He did when i put my foot down. RED FLAG!

3. Sweet, Sexy, and Incredible...someone who inspires you more in "person" than online. This is a green flag. hmmmm Mistress D'Jade to a "T"

1. Ugh! It's one thing to be 18 in mommy's basement and another to be 30 (or whatever) with the same mentality.

2. That's even scarier than the guy I described! I'm glad you're okay.

3. Green flag, haha. Yeah, I could start a second thread on green flags, but I think you've summed up their criteria perfectly.

[JustBob4Fun]

Completely write down all your limits and make the prospective Dom or Domme read it and understand it. People in the heat of the moment do forget the verbal limits you tell them. This is human nature. The trick is to find a Dom that is interested in pleasuring the sub and getting pleasure from the sub and not into violating preset limits and in following the limits. This is a fine line we all walk. Thanks for the post. We need more people coming out with their horror stories to educate us.

[Trinity96]

I had guy online just chatting in general getting to know you kind of stuff, then he started asking about my kids etc, I can't say anymore about what he wanted cos it freaked me out so much. There is sick and there is really sick out there!!!!!

[SirsCatsneaky]

I had made an ad on collarme... I got back all kinds of red flags. I specifically said that I wasn't looking for online due to going to school full time and working full time plus my real life training, and got back lots of very pushy emails trying to get me to be an online slave. They don't even read your profile there. It's like they spam every new member and see who bites. I feel bad for new subs who are looking for doms there!

[bip0lar]

Hm, i'm weird, so this is how my red flag list goes:
a) all the right answers, right away. But i mean right to the dot, no 'buts', nothing. all mechanical-like.
b) after we exchange first names, putting my name at the end of each effing sentence. reminds me of bad times, so yeh, i know it's not a red flag for normal people, but it just wants me to back the hell away.
c) the obvious, outright insults most wannabe dominants use. but those are a red flag for most subs, i guess.

[good_girl]

I also have an ad on collarme explaining that I am owned but have no local friends who can relate to me, I specifically say I would like to contact local subs for friendship only.

So I get a message one day from a gorean slave on behalf of her Master (not local btw) saying that they would like to befriend me...and they she goes on to mention that their hard limits are this, this and this and hopes this won't be a problem....honestly, in order to be friends it really doesn't matter to me what your hard limits are :P

[amosse85]

a) all the right answers, right away. But i mean right to the dot, no 'buts', nothing. all mechanical-like.

Good instinct.

[fellintobed]

b) after we exchange first names, putting my name at the end of each effing sentence. reminds me of bad times, so yeh, i know it's not a red flag for normal people, but it just wants me to back the hell away.

That's an interesting perspective. Too many people are survivors* of Very Bad Experiences, BDSM-scene or otherwise, and therefore have personal triggers that others don't. Without getting into details on a public forum, I too have very personal red flags (and also activities I will not, under any circumstances, participate in) stemming from past trauma. There is definitely no need to feel bad or apologetic for this - not that you expressed those feelings, but for others who may be reading this and nodding along in empathy.

*I prefer the term "survivor" to "victim"... PM me if you're curious about my philosophy behind this.

[Polaris]

I have bad instincts. When I figured that out, I learned to watch out for the red flags, and now pretty much everything is a red flag to me. Talk about trust issues :) Anyway, there are some I feel are usually very accurate:

- The relationship you have moves from "barely know each other" to "you are the love of my life" too quickly. It may look sweet and romantic, and you may be so blown away by this other person -- but it's a major red flag.

- They make you feel uncomfortable, as if you were doing something wrong, without you being able to nail it down.

- They are secretive. They are unclear in what they say, and/or will not clarify it for you.

- They don't seem to recognise their mistakes, and if they do it was somehow -- mysteriously -- your own fault. There are no 'sorrys' without 'buts'.

All I can think of right now. Generally I'd say if it feels like a red flag, it mostly IS a red flag. Listen to your instincts, usually they are acting up for a reason.

[Ozme52]

"I don't believe in safewords." <<==Red Flag
"I am an experienced Dom..." and elsewhere "just out of school." <<==Red Flag
"My cock is nn" long." <<==Red Flag
"I'm single. Can we meet at your place, I'm remodeling and the place is a mess." <<==Red Flag

[cadence]

There are so many different lame lines and behavioural traits I pick up on, I couldn't possibly mention them all without writing a few novels, and everyone else has pretty much given the ones I would equate to a red flag moment.

However for me personally, everyone is considered a red flag. I don't really trust anyone, until I get to know them extremely well.

And no I don't have trust issues, but I do have to know someone very well before I go any further in a relationship with them. My internal instincts are good enough for me to determine how comfortable I am with another.