Formal Mentoring

[Ragoczy]

Have any of you been involved with a group (online or physical) that had a formal BDSM mentoring process available?

What I mean by this is a process where someone new to the community could go to a group leader and be matched up with a mentor, rather than haphazardly finding one on their own?

I know of some groups that have tried this over the years, but participation seems to peak and then fall rapidly, so I was curious if any groups had been more successful with implementing it.

[SilvieA]

Well I wish there was something like that!!!

[shayna{L_D}]

we all have dreams dont we?

[deigja]

mhmmmm, sounds like an interesting idea

[denuseri]

I dont know if that specific way has been tried here.

We do have two groups that i personally are involved in that have taken mentorship seriously and as you mentioned boths groups participation has waned recently or slide behind the scenes.

They are:

The abuse support group sancturary, and the H&Hsubs club. Both discussed and promoted mentorship for various reasons.

Of course thier is the sites "Tasking society" which in a way promotes mentorship as well.

[jakoehn789]

LOL...as luck would have it, I am a meor for hust such agroup. Please emi m and we can chat andsee wher you want to go.

jim.koehn@comast.net

[Ozme52]

:rolleyes:

[Ozme52]

Ragosky, The solution depends on what you're looking for.

It's relatively easy to find a dominant mentor if you're willing to sub to him or her to learn...

And it's relatively easy to find a dominant mentor if you've brought your own sub with you for the purpose of demonstration and you and she are comfortable with what may come. Hard for you to safeword on her behalf for example. Can you take that?

What's virtually impossible is to be mentored without providing someone for the dominant to dominate. Mentoring is best done by example. And quite frankly, theoretical discussions in person are even less satisfying (imo) than the equivalent online conversations...

[Ragoczy]

Oz,

No, I'm looking for a model of a formal mentoring process that works in order to learn about what works in the programs that have lasted for a while. Where I've seen groups try to set up something formal, it's tended to only last a little while -- typically when the one or two passionate participants move on.

Also not mentoring in the sense of teaching particular techniques, but rather in its form of providing general guidance to those new to the lifestyle.

I did my little stint of technique learning twenty years ago. ;)

[DowntownAmber]

There are so many variations to this Lifestyle, that I'm not surprised it's difficult to keep a mentoring group together. Interests in BDSM run from bondage to blood to blah blah blah, so a newbie would almost need the support of an entire group as opposed to a single Master. On the other hand, it's not easy to trust a single person much less a group.

Perhaps a way to mix and match a group and individual experience?

[Ozme52]

Oz,

No, I'm looking for a model of a formal mentoring process that works in order to learn about what works in the programs that have lasted for a while. Where I've seen groups try to set up something formal, it's tended to only last a little while -- typically when the one or two passionate participants move on.

Also not mentoring in the sense of teaching particular techniques, but rather in its form of providing general guidance to those new to the lifestyle.

I did my little stint of technique learning twenty years ago. ;)

I think the best places for that are online forums... because everyone is predisposed to discussion.

When it happens in real life, all too often a sense of entitlement grows on the mentors... and they begin to consider their ways the only ways and pretty soon any real mentoring disappears.

[Ragoczy]

Disclaimer: Below I describe a formal mentoring process as I've seen it implemented. This shouldn't be taken as me saying it's the "one true way" to mentor.

Where I've seen mentoring work best is when it's run as a formal program, because that puts some standards and rules in place for the mentor/mentee relationship. At the same time, it makes it easier for someone new to find a mentor -- let's face it, doing that search on your own can be every bit as frustrating and time-consuming as finding a BDSM partner, perhaps more so, and with fewer immediate rewards.

Books, online essays, discussion forums and chat are all great resources, but learning-theory has shown that most people are not self-motivated to learn independently and, for many, starting a thread or asking a question in chat is difficult -- they're afraid of looking ignorant in public. That the communities are generally helpful and absolutely don't look down on the questions and that probably dozens of others reading the forum silently have the same question isn't relevant -- the individual's perception/fear is that their question will make them look stupid, so they don't ask it.

All of this is why, despite there being more information available to more people than at any other time in human history and despite there being thousands, if not tens of thousands, of discussion forums on every topic imaginable, instructor-led training is still the method of choice for a huge number of people. And why, within those that choose instructor-led training, a huge number of them approach the instructor after "class" with their questions, rather than asking them when the instructor says "any questions?".

People learn from people and they don't want to look stupid in front of a group.

So let's take a recent thread that I think has a lot of value, the "Where have the good Doms gone?" thread by Master Godfather (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17542). He makes some excellent points and puts forth some great ideas. It's well-written and engaging. A lot of people have read that thread already and more will. Unfortunately, a lot of other people won't read that thread; a lot of other people will start to, then stop because the post is long and modern society has taught them that everything worthwhile should be delivered in thirty-second snippets; a lot of other people will read it, but not internalize it; a lot of other people will read it, see themselves in it, but lack the will-power and self-discipline to make real change; a lot of others are going to read it and think there's something wrong with them because they don't agree.

He could give the same message verbally to the same audience and a different subset of them would get value from it, simply because the message was verbal rather than written. And again to the same audience as an instruction (order) and yet another subset would take it to heart. Different people learn and accept ideas in different ways -- and the different ways of communicating that idea still won't tailor the message to those who'll follow a different path entirely on their journey.

How many times have we seen the "I'm frustrated I can't find a dominant all the responses I get are from wannabe bozos"-thread started, followed by a series of "be patient, keep looking"-responses? The information's already out there, but the new threads are started because that's how those individuals are comfortable learning -- by asking their own question, rather reading others. Where the available resources fail to deliver is for those who learn by asking a single, trusted resource privately.

How many times have we seen the "I've had three bad experiences with dominants, but this new one I started chatting with last week who's coming over to my house tonight will be different"-situation? Followed by the "well, shit, that sucked too"-update? The information to avoid this is out there, but some people won't follow it because they get caught up in the joy of thinking they've found what they yearn for. They need a personal, guiding hand to help them.

These issues aren't new today. They weren't new twenty years ago when I entered the community. But then the group was smaller, the number of new people was smaller, because the community was so much more deeply hidden and "online" meant dialing long-distance to a BBS that had six phone-lines or paying Compuserve $12 an hour for a 300bps connection. The internet and the concept of "online" relationships has made the community more visible and given more people a starting place -- people who never would have figured out what they were searching for twenty years ago. But this has exacerbated the issues, because there are a larger total number and a higher percentage of people who would benefit from mentoring than in those days.

Some people find a mentor on their own, but it's a haphazard process and they may not even know that's what they need or are looking for. In a formal mentoring environment, the availability is widely known within the group and the group itself will guide or suggest the process to new members who might benefit from it (not require or insist).

The mentee approaches a coordinator in private who then handles the matching with volunteer mentors based on comfort levels (are you comfortable talking about these things with males/females? dominants/submissives? etc.). This takes away the stress of the mentee having to approach people themselves -- there's no one-on-one rejection, the coordinator makes sure the mentor has time and is willing and then introduces the two.

The fact that it's a formal group of mentors that interact and share information amongst themselves alleviates some of the concerns that arise in more casual mentoring:

There is no "one true way", because the group is disparate.

No one is expected to be the Knower of all Knowledge, because it's a group effort.

Rules, guidelines and peer-pressure keeps the mentor/mentee relationship at an appropriate level.

There's oversight because it's expected that any problems can be brought to the coordinator(s) -- there's no stigma attached to things not working out and a new mentor/mentee match being made.

The group of mentors provides support to each other and encouragement to stick with it -- much like any volunteer organization.

The role of the mentor isn't to teach specific things, there are plenty of people who teach fireplay, for instance, but rather to help determine the plan that gets the mentee to their goal. The goal and the plan are, obviously, specific to each mentee.

The goal might be finding a partner and the mentor would help the mentee figure out exactly what they're looking for, review the mentee's personal ad, review the responses, provide support when the mentee's discouraged, possibly even accompany the mentee to the first meeting or even scene.

The role of the mentor isn't to scene with the mentee -- this clouds both parties' judgment. For casual play, the mentor might introduce the mentee to someone he/she trusts and knows is knowledgeable in the type of scene the mentee is looking for.

All of this implies a significant time commitment from the coordinators and mentors and requires dedication on their part and not everyone can sustain that. The formal nature of the group ensures that the mentee isn't left hanging if a mentor has to discontinue contact for some reason -- the mentee still has the support of the group and assurances that it wasn't anything he/she did wrong.

I found a couple sites that seemed to be going this direction, but they appear to have abandoned their programs, so the original question I posed was to try and determine if this sort of things was still going on anywhere in the community and with what success.