New sub/slave both on line and in life needs guidance

[slave4ever96]

Hello everyone. I am a new sub/slave which ever term youd like to use. I meet my Master here on the computer but He has also come to my home and wants me as his submissive both here and in life. The only thing is I am not fully sure what to expect and how it is supposed to go. So far he makes all the rules and demands though i have agreed to many of them. But recently there are a few i am not 100% on. Like that of fisting. my Master has tried it one night when he came to visit and he tried it a few times. Both times it hurt tremindously but he would not stop till i was near tears. Is this what a submissive Dominate relationship is truely like? Does a submissive have to allow his/her Master/Mistress to push them past their limits and threshold of pain in order to be a good sub? my Master doesn't like it when i tell him no or try to push his hands away when it hurts to much. How can i learn to get past the pain so that i can learn to deal with such things my Master desires to try that hurts terrible? Any advice I would gladly accept.

[SUBtly_shy]

hi :)
still learning myself so bare with me. speeking from my exsperince, a master that knows you well and cares about you WILL push you. Though never a point that you can not handle. If you are in a situation that you can not handle, emotionaly, mentaly physicly you need to be able to comunicate that with a safe word or a "yellow" word safe meaning OH MY GOD STOP EVERYTHING and yellow meaning hey I need to talk to you this is a bit much. D/S is FUN thing its a way to enjoy the person you are sharing it with. Your master should not be angry with you if you cant handle something because at the end of the play he should still care for you regardless of how your play time went. The whole point is the pleasure :) regardless of what method you use to get it. SO long story short talk to your dom if he's unwilling to hear how you feel and work with you on it. You may want to reconsider your choice in a dom
hope I helped :) always here if you need to talk!

[slave4ever96]

Thank you shy for your advice. My Dom says he cares how i feel and had stoped because i was near tears but he also has the mindset that since he is Master his word is final. While i do like many of the other things he provides for me sometimes i worry he may not consider that a few things may be to much for me to handel so soon. Because he feels he must train me and not stop my training just because im not willing to push my limits as much as he is.

[Euryleia]

You need to communicate your limits to anyone who you play with and establish safe words. If anyone disregards your signal for slowing down or stopping, that's not a Master, that's an abuser. Just because you are a submissive, doesn't mean you don't get to have hard limits.

Use a form like this one: Hard Limit Questionaire (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9385) Fill it out and discuss it with anyone before you go into a D/s or M/s relationship.

[Saint{R}]

There are Hard Limits that are respected and which are not to be transgressed or even approached. These are to be determined and agreed upon and most often done prior to submission to service. There should also be a safe word that is established to prevent any actions or continued action that is unbearable. To inflict severe pain that is not mutually agreed upon is not the proper actions of a Dom/Master and if this be His intent I would question His motives, intentions and true belief in the lifestyle.

[DowntownAmber]

First and foremost it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have a discussion on how you communicate. This is not to say that you don't communicate now, but BDSM often requires a more sophisticated language.

I often say "no, don't!" to J when we play, or try to push his hands away. In the heat of the moment it's fun to resist and to be forced, it's fun to have my limits challenged and pushed. All around good times for both of us.

But, there is a HUGE difference between this and not being able to stop a scene when I am truly in distress or have hit as far as I can go. That's the point where a speceific, designated safe word gets used. There is no confusion as to what is the scene and what is a legitimate safety concern/limit.

If this is clear between the two of you yet your Master chooses to disregard it, that's a major red flag.

[good_girl]

Some really good advice here, remember, safe words are not only for physical things but emotional as well. If you feel that you are in either physical or emotional distress then it is your responsibility to communicate this to him and his responsibility to take care of you.

As for the fisting this might give both of you a bit more insight http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13282

[slave4ever96]

Thanks everyone your advice is helpful and i am hoping that he will be willing to discuss it with my. i have sent the hard limits questionair to him and hopefully tomorrow when i return home i will have a reply from him. Keep sending me advice they are all very helpful.:)

[FryingScot]

As BDSM is a lifestyle choice then the preferences of the individual must be taken into account. I thought that the idea of safe words was supposed to be recognised as the failsafe so players wouldn't be injured. If the dom doesn't respect the use don't go near them! BDSM is fun for all concerned and should be safe. OK, pushing the boundries is fun but should be approached with caution. I always approach new players with a question and answer session to find out their level of experience and how much they can stand. BDSM is NOT about violence, it's about power sharing. The sub is ALWAYS in control. If you don't agree please feel free to say so. Great community, let's keep it friendly. Love you all.

[SUBtly_shy]

Frying Scot I cant say I really disagree with you :)
Though from my position as a very much loved sub your comment
" it's about power sharing. The sub is ALWAYS in control."
doesn't quite fit, for me one of the truly amazing things is being able to let go of control. KNOWING that my Dom loves me and will care for my needs; and my health. Being able to trust enough to let go of my need of control it is a beautiful and special thing to me.

so no argument from me just a different perspective :)

[Windwalker]

There is a saying within the BDSM crowd I run with ...
"If you make your sub cry...then you've done something wrong."
Never cross that line when the scene becomes way too painful for your sub or slave for that matter..and their crying or begging for you to truely stop...THEN STOP.
I've heard horror srories where guys(wannabe dom/masters) take that as fun and games..it's not.
so in keeping with the topic..I say hell yes she should be able to get out of it if it becomes too much

[Kuskovian]

Well said indeed Windwalker.

The dominant that does not heed these things is criminal at best.

Woe be unto he that commits such things against she who he should cherish above all others.

[Ozme52]

Regarding the question of being able to stop a scene that's too painful, physically or emotionally... or crosses a limit you hold strongly... that is always your right.

It matters not if you style yourself sub or slave. You have the right to withdraw your consent.

The advice given above regarding limits and safewords is well founded... and there are a lot of threads you can search for within the forum to gain tremendous perspectives and points of view... and I suggest you read them... and direct your dom to them as well.

------------------------------------------------------------
Let's not muddy the waters though... There were a lot of statements that are not to the point and quite debatable.


BDSM is NOT about violence,

Sorry bro... bdsm is very violent.
1: marked by extreme force or sudden intense activity <a violent attack>
2 a: notably furious or vehement <a violent denunciation> b: extreme , intense <violent pain> <violent colors>
3: caused by force : not natural <a violent death>
4 a: emotionally agitated to the point of loss of self-control <became violent after an insult> b: prone to commit acts of violence

Only definition 4a belongs outside of bdsm. Spanking, whipping, flogging, paddling, knife play, needles and piercings, asphyxia play... all violent.


The sub is ALWAYS in control You have confused consent and control. The dom controls virtually everything. The sub consents to give up that control. Consent can be withdrawn. And make no mistake... if the sub is in my control, and withdraws consent... s/he is still in my control. I can choose to not stop, wrong though it would be... but the control is in my hands.


There is a saying within the BDSM crowd I run with ...
"If you make your sub cry...then you've done something wrong."


So... even ignoring crying for joy... cathartic crying... and crying out of sadness... I can begin a list of circumstances where the sub will cry, from induced pain, and would never wish to stop the scene. The statement is just too general. Sounds good in the context of this particular question... but just doesn't give good general advice to slave4ever96.

How about something as simple as a spanking... continued to tears... and only then allowed to cum... and a hundred subs on this forum who will say "Oh My Yes!!" Piercings can bring tears... as well as the endorphin rush that follow. Humiliation and degradation play can bring emotional tears... and is craved by many.

[Windwalker]

I will agree that the statement was to general...However when the Dom/Master goes over THE line to where it becomes down right criminal...then thats the point. If a sub says no by safeword or not..then there might be a problem. But I stick to the belief if she feels uncomfortable the the scene should end.

[skp2bear]

Though i see minor disagrements here in wordings almost everything being advised is saying the same thing but from a different stance. As a result I too find it to be very informative and uplifting as I,too,search for ways to be a good sub. It also greatily helps to calm me fears.

[manda]

A lot of good answers --especially the ones about reading and sharing forums with your master. The part of your post that I'd like to adress is "hurts terrible". If this is terrible pain is should be a limit that he must recognize. It's the things that hurt good we learn to accept and work through....spankings,cropping,clamps,etc. --where the pain eventually does turn to pleasure . Anything else is really a form of abuse. Please be careful if he is giving you the line --I am master -if you are a real sub/slave you do not question me --this is always a red flag.

[acero]

He's educating you so you'll be an excellent slave, you should think of that, even if you are already willing to be a slave, his job is to test you, see if you really have a vocation to be what he's expecting you to be, this is just the start of what will come, so both of you should know if you are comfortable with each other. There's got to be trust in both sides, you should trust him that altough he's being mean, he will stop when you can go no further. And he should trust you that you are the submissive slave he's looking for. I encourage you to use safe words and use follow'em. Have a kinky week end :)

[moco]

I would think that the whole reason for having a safe word to begin with would imply that the sub using the safe word later on would be the withdraw of the consent at that point, anything done beyond that point is cruelty. I know it would destroy the trust I would have built up and it would be a long time before I could trust that person again if they went beyond the limits.

[santori32]

I agree - safe words are meant to be safe! Use them and respect them.

[cryrose]

Communication is always the key. These worries and fears you have about him pushing your limits should be expressed to him, and he will explain what and how he thinks about it, if he is not willing to do that than if I were you I would move on.