A Mistake and a Lesson

[VP]

There was a time, nearly a lifetime ago that I had a submissive girlfriend. We doted over each other whenever in public and could barely spend moments apart. She never knew I was a dominant partly because I was a bit nervous about letting her know that. Eventually one night after a lot of sex and alcohol, we lay nearly satiated in bed and I told her. She was delighted and we began trying out new things immediately. Blindfolds, knots, clamps and by the ened of the week we had tried it all. It was the first time I had actually practised bdsm in the bedroom. I had always been a dominant when it came to sex, no matter how much I acted otherwise, but the other kinks had never come up.
Then one night she brought me a crop and requested me to use her. This is when I made the biggest mistake of all. I listened to her. I did not see something that is so obvious to me now. She had no limits, no line beyond which she would not go. She was well and truly in love with it all, but not me. I pushed her a bit too much without knowing, for she never protested at any of it, and in the end when I uncuffed her and let her down, I saw that I had gone too far. She later told me it was the best night she had ever had, but I had seen the marks and the scars and was so ashamed at loosing control I let her go.
Last night, I helped her and her new top define lines, boundaries, safe words and all other precautions when it comes to BDSM.
The lesson I learned was that this kind of love is uinque. It required trust not only that you top will not damage you, but even that sometimes, they might know your limit, even when you dont. I have never repeated this mistake and instead have learnt a new sense of responsibility and control. But until last night, the dreams of loosing control had always haunted me. Now I think they will not return.
I hope and pray no domme ever has to live through the knowledge that you have permanently damaged a submissive in the most private and intimate areas. :(

[Veridical]

That you would admit such mistakes denotes that you are a better person and have learned from making them. I can't speak for everyone, of course, but I can speak for me and say that it took a great deal of courage to admit the mistake, and even more to make sure it would never happen again. This is one of those things that define us in this community from other people. The fact that we always want to be told if we are doing something wrong so we can fix it. Most people don't want to hear that they're wrong, it goes against our nature as human beings(I am always right! Not really.), but from the way I've seen things in the BDSM community, most Dom/mes and sub/slave's that are worth their salt will be the first to admit a mistake and attempt to make it better.

So I applaud you. I appreciate you sharing this story with us, and I understand how much it costs you to admit these mistakes so that others can learn from it and not make the same mistake. :)

[cadence]

I'm sorry but I am having a hard time understanding your post to a degree.

She states that she loved every minute of your encounter, but you state that you went to far with it.
So what I fail to understand is where things went wrong.
Did you permanently scar her or were you afraid of the marks you did make?
Was she subsequently upset afterwards or damaged somehow?
Did you ultimately lose control of how far you wanted to go?

It just seems that she enjoyed the crop, and you did not.
I fail to understand where the line was drawn and where you went too far with it.

[blythe spirit]

And only 19. My, my.

[delish]

Here's what I got out of it- and I may be entirely wrong- but Doms are all about control. Self-control is essential. So I don't think the mistake that was made was actually about the physical harm he did to her, but about the fact that he went further than he wanted to because he was not in control of himself.

However, if she was not damaged by this, I don't know why she would need help setting up boundaries, since they are obviously different than his. I would think a note of caution to her new Dom would work out just as well.

[VP]

I digress, perhaps I didn't explain it accurately.
FIrstly, I did go farther than what I had intended when we began. Secondly, she did enjoy it all, and even today shows of some of the marks because she I actually a person with no limits and cannot say no. If you beat her into a bloody pulp, she wouldn't ask you to stop because she simply can't say no.
And third, yes I did leave marks, two scars and both not at all small, neat or anything short of painfully ugly. I lost control once though there were several consequences.

[arden]

a submissive wi' no limits is indeed a danger to themselves. ye are right in sayin' they are incapeable o' sayin' no. i know that there are thoes whom would say that evera one can say no... self preservation and all, but i 'ave 'ad the unique position in dealin' wi many whom really canna say no, or stop. ther aer no limits because they canna set them up fer themselves. for whatever reason, the self preservation instinct just isna there fer them.indded, this is dangerous fer a Dom/me because they need to be aware o' what damage there can be. no' only physical damage, but also, mental or emotional damage. a sub wi' no limits will ne'er pause and say 'ye are hurtin' mi', or be able to leave... and thta being said, it then becomes abuse. i thin that while no one should need to be hurt, that as a Dominant, makein' amends is what it is all about. no' only did ye reconise the problem, but thought o' a solution to keep her safe, after the play. and that is what is a large pert o' this lifestyle. it doesna stop at tthe door, or once we log off. if we Dominate .... let a sub gi' themselfes to us... we are then duty bound to ensure that that sub is alright... even the mornin' or many mornin's after. good show on keepin' touch and protectin' even after she found someone else. this life allots fer a lot o' responsibility... even across the boarders. any sub wi' no limits needs to be flagged and appropriatly taken care o' because if left to thier own devices, they will get seriously hurt. as a comunity, we need to look out and take care o' these people, because they canna do it fer themselves.


arden