Honesty

[cookiecat]

A recent interaction got me to thinking... why is it so difficult to be honest? This is probably a rhetorical question since there are a zillion reasons why, right? I mean - here we are in an online forum, sometimes presenting only the sides of our selves we choose to show.

But I'll give you an example: I come here looking for fun and information. I jump in to chat every so often just to see what's shakin'. I check out the personals just for the heck of it.

I recently met a Dom here who I started interacting with and it was pleasant enough. However, I don't think I was honest with myself or with him in what my intentions were and the conversation ended up in a fizzle. I wasted his time. (as a side note: I truly don't think my intentions were to mislead him since I really wasn't sure what I was looking for. I think I wanted him to resolve some personal issues that he couldn't resolve.)

A second interaction with another man left me feeling befuddled, too. I am a smart, somewhat sane submissive girl. I'm a realist. So when I ask this man if he's playing with other women here, he says no babygirl, it's all about you. Was I wrong to ask the question? If I asked the question, I probably already knew the answer! Did I want to believe it's all about me? (LOL - of course!)

My point is - I would've rather heard - yep, I play with other girls. I think I would've accepted that answer and had a little fun. Rather than find out in a backdoor way that this - in fact - is not the truth.

I've heard some people say that the internet allows us to break down inhibitions, to be MORE ourselves than we'd allow in real life. Sometimes that's true.

What do you think? Is it like real life - sometimes we tell little white lies just so there's no confrontation? Or is it easier to lie when we're sitting in front of a screen? Or - are you as honest as possible??

Ramble over.

[DiablosLittleOne]

I find there to be much less honesty online as the chance of being caught and/or confronted is really slim to none. So you find out that someone you're "seeing" online is fooling around with someone else online, what can you really do besides email them? It's not much of a threat when it comes down to it.

The fact that you can also be someone you are not online plays alot into the dishonesty you might find over the internet. I could easily be 5'10", 120 pounds, long blonde hair, blue eyes and really large breasts; who would really know? It's much easier to lie to people online because there are no real consequences. *shrugs* It sucks, but it shows how people really are. Dishonesty online usually leads back to dishonesty in RL, so it's not someone you'd want to be with anyway.

And since I'm being honest here ;) I'm only 5'1", about 135 pounds (yep, I'm overweight), I have brown hair, blue eyes and pretty small titties. LOL

Just be careful who and what you do online and you'll have nothing to worry about. :)

[Lillyrose123]

I will agree with you on this subject. I have had a couple of experiences on this site and another site, all encounters just fizzled... You hear all the words they think you want to hear and end the end, it's just a bunch of lies... I try to be as honest as I possibly can with others both here and in "real" life... Why can't that favor be returned?

Thank you for your post.. I found it timely and it let's me know I am not alone...

[Domin8or]

A recent interaction got me to thinking... why is it so difficult to be honest? This is probably a rhetorical question since there are a zillion reasons why, right? I mean - here we are in an online forum, sometimes presenting only the sides of our selves we choose to show.

But I'll give you an example: I come here looking for fun and information. I jump in to chat every so often just to see what's shakin'. I check out the personals just for the heck of it.

I recently met a Dom here who I started interacting with and it was pleasant enough. However, I don't think I was honest with myself or with him in what my intentions were and the conversation ended up in a fizzle. I wasted his time. (as a side note: I truly don't think my intentions were to mislead him since I really wasn't sure what I was looking for. I think I wanted him to resolve some personal issues that he couldn't resolve.)

A second interaction with another man left me feeling befuddled, too. I am a smart, somewhat sane submissive girl. I'm a realist. So when I ask this man if he's playing with other women here, he says no babygirl, it's all about you. Was I wrong to ask the question? If I asked the question, I probably already knew the answer! Did I want to believe it's all about me? (LOL - of course!)

My point is - I would've rather heard - yep, I play with other girls. I think I would've accepted that answer and had a little fun. Rather than find out in a backdoor way that this - in fact - is not the truth.

I've heard some people say that the internet allows us to break down inhibitions, to be MORE ourselves than we'd allow in real life. Sometimes that's true.

What do you think? Is it like real life - sometimes we tell little white lies just so there's no confrontation? Or is it easier to lie when we're sitting in front of a screen? Or - are you as honest as possible??

Ramble over.

It's not, Or more, Obviously, Yes, what goes around comes around, I dont(not for that reason anyway), yes, every minute of my life!
There you go. My answer to every '?' in your post. Take care and enjoy your day/night where ever you are in the world. :)

Master Domin8or

[DowntownAmber]

I've heard some people say that the internet allows us to break down inhibitions, to be MORE ourselves than we'd allow in real life. Sometimes that's true.

What do you think? Is it like real life - sometimes we tell little white lies just so there's no confrontation? Or is it easier to lie when we're sitting in front of a screen? Or - are you as honest as possible??

I do think that inhibitions are broken down online, yes, and that there are parts of ourselves we allow to become visible that would otherwise never see the light of day. Take me, for example: 99% of my r/l interactions don't have any idea I'm submissive. All you online folks have to do is ask and I'm an open book.

Here's the funny and possibly ironic part to that, however - it's all the smoke and mirrors that online allows me to create around the rest of my life that allow that one, deep truth to surface. Kinda funny, huh? With a couple rare exceptions, none of you know my real name or where I live, you have no idea what I do for a living, and you really can't be sure if it's my ass in the avatar or not.

I suppose it's the same principle that keeps confession on Sunday anonymous.

People tend to like to spread their truths around, I've found. We are open with the people we assume won't judge us, and we're open in amounts that coincide with our level of comfort and vulnerability. Certain people get to know certain things, and not everyone gets to know everything.

[RogerWilco]

really for me online is so much easier for me to be honest. I am an extremely shy person and its is hard for me to express myself but here I can go all out. I have been hurt by others and doubtless will be again but that wont stop me from trying. all we can do is what we think is best and go from there. maybe something good comes out of this, maybe not. who's to say ? I am willing to take a chance.

[shayna{L_D}]

I have asked this question to myself more then once. For me i stand by the theroy, treat others the way you want to be treated. If you want to be lied to then lie to someone.

I personally dont lie about anything online, im a open book and some say that can get me into trouble. But i feel i am the same person o/l and in r/l i have nothing to hide. noting im ashamed of, and nothingi want to llie about. If you are lying then you know its wrong.

I have been lied to so many fricken times by countless people on this forum and im sure my "friends" on here lie to me also, and i pick and choose what i want to believe. Most of my friend i feel are pretty honest, but ya never know what they are lying about and what they arent.

when it comes to lying about playing with others, its easy for me. I dont play with anyone period. lol its like a rule or something. I know that there are some people that play with tons of girls/guys but for me im very selective, very seletive. Ive played with maybe 2 people from this forum, one was my bf at the time and the other was a....um...skip this.

So thats my take on it.:)

[Ozme52]

really for me online is so much easier for me to be honest. I am an extremely shy person and its is hard for me to express myself but here I can go all out. I have been hurt by others and doubtless will be again but that wont stop me from trying. all we can do is what we think is best and go from there. maybe something good comes out of this, maybe not. who's to say ? I am willing to take a chance.

Easier... but is that because you can't be held accountable in real life?

I suspect a lot of us are "more honest" about our lifestyle interests online...

[cookiecat]

thanks everyone for your very thoughtful answers. one of the things i get really excited about is hearing other points of view.

ImHisKitten - i agree with the idea that if you're dishonest here in your cyber life, you're probably dishonest in your real life.

Lilyrose - you are NOT alone! your comment is very telling: you hear all the words they think you want to hear... now that's the truth! we can certainly hear what we want to hear! but there is a difference between knowing you're role-playing, having some momentary fun and with wanting to make a connection.

Domin8or - yep - i agree: karma's a bitch. so do unto others...

DowntownAmber - wow. what you said really rings true. submission has become one of the biggest parts of who i am, who i want to be. yet 99.9% of the people in my "real" life don't know about my submissive journey (yet they reap the rewards of my journey in the sense i've encompassed many of the attributes i feel submission brings in to my life: thoughtfulness, service, patience...). but as you say, this online persona allows me to be here.

RogerWilco - i hear what you mean about being shy in real life and finding it easier to go all out here. but is it because you're not face to face? you aren't seeing the consequences of what you say or do? i remember when i first came to the bdsm library - it was a few years ago. i met someone in chat who was married. we had a fling. although my feelings were real, i liked him, made a connection, we took it away from here and started IM'ing... the consequence was that i was taking him away from his wife, his kids, his real life. i had to face that and finally draw a line.

shayna - you make a lot of sense. it's good to decide what rules you're going to play by before you start playing!

oh hey oz - didn't see you there! yep, i think we can do or say things online we wouldn't do in real life.

one of the things i've been thinking about within this question is being honest with myself. perhaps i need to be honest with myself before i can hold others accountable?

again - thanks everyone for the input.

[Ragoczy]

I think the anonymity of the internet simply intensifies what's already there in the individual. If they're an inherently open, honest person, then they're going to be more open, more honest, because the parts they hold back in real life can be let go further online. If they're inherently dishonest, the online world allows for less accountability.

Part of this is not seeing the people on the other side of the screen as entirely real. Intellectually, we know that they are, but there's less of a filter on internet behavior than face-to-face. An example of this is email-wars in a business environment -- educated, professional, ostensibly intelligent people will say things in email chains, business emails, that they would never consider saying in a conference room.

I've been online for over twenty-five years. In that time, I've seen numerous examples of both extremes -- from people who poor out their inner-most secrets and personal details to a chat room of people they've never been in before ... to those who've had online friends for years that they've been lying to all along.

In my opinion, the online world gets you the best-of-the-best and the worst-of-the-worst.

[love2serve]

I play with quite a few guys and if im honest gals too! I take people as i find them - i was upset badly by a guy who lied about his relationship status and i ended up conversing with a very angry girlfriend! Not something id like to repeat. However, i look on this as being the other persons problem - i am always as honest as possible, when asked for a description of myself i am quick to point out that i am no supermodel, a bit overweight etc. why lie? If a person still wants to 'play' thats fine, if they make their excuses and slink away then also thats fine - their loss! I agree that people are not always honest with you on here but its them who have to live with that, if you are happy in the knowledge that you are open and honest in everything that you can be then why worry. My husband for example knows i go on here and that i 'play' online - he is happy with that and reaps the benefits of my new found sexuality , i always tell people about my husband and always tell them how old i am (47) and find that it hardly ever is a deterrant. But i also agree with you, why cant people just be themselves or is it the fact that most will never meet and therefore will never be found out?

[Mastrovenice]

When I first started playing in online chat rooms over ten years ago I tried out every personality, sexual orientation, gender and fetish I cared to experiment with. It was technically lying I suppose, but the goal was to get a quick fix of strange and explore a new concept (cybersex). I learned quite a bit about how others, specifically women, are treated online and what many have to put up with, as well as how to more effectively interact with them in this unique environment. After much experimentation and a seemingly endless list of screennames, I came to realize that for me, it's much more fun and enjoyable to just be myself and not misrepresent.

As for lying thru omission, many people perhaps are just not willing to face or confront the truths that are evident in their 'real' life, and wish to run from them by constructing an elaborate fantasy online. And like playing with knives, its always fun until someone gets hurt.

I'm not opposed to elaborate fantasy, I just think it needs a to come with a warning sticker.

[RickBulow74]

I am also one who is honest with all I speak with online, and sometimes it bites me in the ass, especially when one uses a pic to poke fun at, but I will not go there at this time. The reason I am honest is because I know that behind the wires is a real person with real feelings and I do my best to try to get to know that person as I would like others to get to know me.

[damyanti]

People are complex beings, we adapt our interaction to people whom we are with, what our current mood is...etc. I think its impossible to get to know anyone in any significant measure from a chat or two, as in real life it takes time...so in that regard some may have only seen one side of me. I never lied or deceived anyone, and I think that has backfired. Call me naive, but I was shocked how many people invent whole personas for on-line purposes....I find it repulsive.

[Oak]

:mountie:
That's is one of the best Threads I've seen here.
It's very easy to be very honest or dishonest in a place like this. As for myself I' honest to a certain limit. I think that most are that, as we probably all have things in the past, that we don't want to talk about.
But it probably often would be much easier to lie, to get a better result. If I see a cute sub-girl who'd I'd like to know better, I probably would have more luck telling that I'm 26 instead of the double. I think that's one of the reasons for lying.
As long as you only "play" on the net and haven't promised that the other part is the one and only, meeting living happyli ever after. Many probably will "play" with more. Which is a non existing problem for some of us. :)
;rose;

[damyanti]

If I see a cute sub-girl who'd I'd like to know better, I probably would have more luck telling that I'm 26 instead of the double.

On the contrary. See lying gets you nowhere.

[Pearlgem]

Being on line is a whole new way to have a relationship in the modern world. On the one hand it can encourage much greater superficiality with each other but on the other hand it can hugely intensify how quickly and well you feel you know someone. It is never the same as real life though and I think a common mistake, and one I've made before, is to suppose that it is. You just can't know what it's like to be with the other person in the same room, react to them in the flesh, get a feel of how personally attractive they are to you from on line only and I do think sometimes we react to the intimacy on line and confuse it with the whole experience of knowing someone. I think sometimes we get cyber-carried-away without really meaning to.
Perhaps in the not too distant future, the nearly-real aspect of being on line will be well understood by all users, but until then, it's so easy to construct ourselves in this virtual world, without even seeing it as lying.
One thing I think is impossible to disguise on line is intelligence, a quality that always appeals to me. If you're not intelligent, there are no geek tricks that could make you appear so on line.

[lucy]

If I see a cute sub-girl who'd I'd like to know better, I probably would have more luck telling that I'm 26 instead of the double. I think that's one of the reasons for lying.

;rose;
That would depend on the sub's preferences, no? You wouldn't scare away me with saying you're 52. However, if you said you're 26 and act and communicate like you're 52, that would scare me.

What i like about talking to people here is that it doesn't matter if they're 26 or 52, big or small, green or red. And i usually don't ask for these things, exactly because it doesn't matter.
That being said, it's pretty easy to be honest online.
However, i would lie if necessary in order to not reveil any information that could help anyone to find me in real life. I've done that once accidentally and regretted it very much.

[cookiecat]

Ragoczy - it is amazing what people will say online. i go to another site where people are downright mean & that is virtually the only way you will be accepted is if you fall in to that same way of posting. why bother?

love2serve - what a lucky woman you are to have such an open relationship that your husband sees your playing online as a benefit rather than a threat. enjoy!!! :)

Mastrovenice - it's an interesting approach - trying on other personas as a way to see what the other side deals with. sort of like a Dom trying out His latest toy just to understand what His girl will be feeling? i don't think i could keep up a different persona for long, it seems too time consuming to remember the lies. but role-playing is certainly something else. there's another chat room i've been to a couple times (but don't go anymore) where it seems like it's just assumed you're there to construct the fantasy. user nicknames in the room are things like: sluttymom4utouse or daughterlooking4dad...

RickBulow - hi! we joined bdsmlibrary around the same time! nice to see you back.

damyanti - isn't it surprising when you find out someone hasn't been up front? it's such an awful feeling. and sometimes, most awful when i've realized i haven't been honest with myself.

Oak - i think your comment was meant for damyanti, howeer, i can only say that a Dominant's age is a big deal for me. when i see a 26 year old say he's really really experienced, i have to question that. i remember what i was like at 26 and what did we know?! experience, wisdom, patience are huge turn ons for an old submissive like me! (now, if you're looking for a 26 year old who can't see the benefit of interacting with an older man... well... i can see that side of the issue.)

Pearlgem - you are spot on about intelligence. you really can't fake that. or a sense of humor. i realize not everyone is into grammar & spelling. but in an online world where our written words are sending the message - bad grammar and mis-spelled words are difficult to get past. not a dealbreaker but a hindrance for sure. maybe it's true, too - that if your an asshat in real life, that will shine brightly through here online as well!?

[shayna{L_D}]

That would depend on the sub's preferences, no? You wouldn't scare away me with saying you're 52. However, if you said you're 26 and act and communicate like you're 52, that would scare me.




I agree! It would scare me also, but this happenes much to often.

[FatherTimejr]

I hate lieing. Hate it. I'll admit I have my share of little white lies, which I kick myself for in the end but they are always for little things and for the most part they are to make things less complicated, and unless they are reallly just insignificant i'll come out with. That being said I do my damndest never to lie, because I hate it and its one of the most hurtful things I can do and people can do to me. And not in a good way -wryly-

that being said, in the end the reason alot of people probably lie, or at least one of them, is to make things less complicated. They dont want to created a web of intricacies that they have to keep in their mind constantly. Alot of times people want to see the internet is an escape, which is fine, but alot of times this feeling can turn into an accute case of "assholism", because of the fact they want to escape from things they lie to make things less complicated, use people, and often times get angry if someone starts getting close to the fact they are lieing -shrugs-.

It can also develope into drama llama syndrome. But thats another story.

[jezabel]

For myself, I hate lying, but sometimes I feel I HAVE to, if only to protect someone from getting hurt, both in r/l and online.
This is because im intrinsinctly a honest person, if I find someone has lied to me, then I have a real problem in trusting them again and have even been known to cut that person from my life.
Even lying to protect someone leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and I hate myself afterwards for doing so, but to avoid conflict I do it......ok im a coward and will go against my principles to avoid it, but I dont feel good about it.
Online im honest, sometimes brutally and it has got me into trouble, but if someone asks me to be honest I will be even if they dont like the answer.
Lies can destroy lives and very often can come back and bite you, especially if you're like me and have a rotten memory, so in the longrun I find it easier to tell the truth

[shayna{L_D}]

Online im honest, sometimes brutally and it has got me into trouble, but if someone asks me to be honest I will be even if they dont like the answer.


I get this all the time. People say my personality is very 'in your face' aggressive, which im not going to lie it is. People want the truth they know in real life and online that they can come to me becuase no matter what the answer is ill tell them straight up.

My brutally honest side gets me into trouble a lot also. I know how and when to say the most hurtful things. I dont just have word vomit and just spill my thoughts onto that person if they are yano crying or being a rageing pyshco bitch, i will til they are calm and then tell them.


For instance in the chat i am known for saying whats on my mine, whenever and however i want to ( well within the boundries of the rules for chat) thats just how i am. Some people hate that about me and others are for a lack of a better word jealous that i can stand up to a Dom, fight back with a sub/Dom, and or say whats going on in this noggin *taps thinker*. Ive always been like as far back i can remember, in school mostly. I never liked to get picked on, and or tell me what they wanted to hear.

er sorry for the ramble, and sorry for getting off topic.

[Soaul]

Internet Disinhibition Syndrome does make people more honest about their FANTASY lives and not necessarily their real lives. I am not the same person online that I am in real life. I live in a vanilla work and play in the BDSM world. There has to be two different me's.

So, honesty is relative to who you are. Are you the DOMME online that is shy in real life? There is nothing wrong with that and it is honest to ones self. It is not dishonest because the is no mandate for full disclosure online.

And not fully disclosing is not a lie....it is the person's fantasy.

So, reader beware....

[his_girl_l]

If a man approached me saying he was a 26 year old dom i would be very inclined to advise him to go and learn for a few more years. But that's just me. i'm not attracted to younger men and can't take them seriously as Doms, although i'm sure many are very capable.

But i think on this forum at least there are a fair amount of people who are kept honest by knowing that their partner can read any of their posts. i wouldn't like my Master to call me on even a white lie.

[craven]

I get this all the time. People say my personality is very 'in your face' aggressive, which im not going to lie it is. People want the truth they know in real life and online that they can come to me becuase no matter what the answer is ill tell them straight up.



i for one love honesty and applaud those such as yourself Shayna, good for you.

I find that honesty and openness are very appealing and often very erotic, sharing such intimacies can only have a positive effect upon a relationship.

For me who you see is who i am, there is no persona or desire to keep things concealed, i know i would not like it done to me so dont do it to others, a pretty simple and basic philosophy perhaps but one that i have found works well and has resulted in me finding and sharing with some amazing people.

Would i lie to protect anothers feelings, no i would hope that i was able to present the truth in such a way as to help rather than maybe be seen as an outright negative, but i would always hope to be honest and true.

As i have said, i find such things very very attractive qualities in people.

LOL so ask away and i'll do my best to answer *winks*

[angela_shy]

i greatly appreciate hearing the various points of view in this thread.

i fall into the group who hate dishonesty in others and myself. sometimes i sense lies early on, sometimes they become apparent only after time... how annoying to waste time with someone who does not live up to my expectations of honesty.

as far as i'm concerned, i tend to be too candid, as i'm honestly seeking to learn; revealing aspects of my self facilitates this. but that makes me vulnerable... so i have to be careful...

also, age is more likely to mean experience and wisdom, so why hide this? particularly for a Dom/me.
...and exposing physical and mental "imperfections" makes a person real to me. i'm more likely to trust them. especially when motivations are clear from the start...

my thanks to all the posters for sharing their opinions, and cookiecat for asking the questions in the first place :)

[Ozme52]

I think the anonymity of the internet simply intensifies what's already there in the individual. If they're an inherently open, honest person, then they're going to be more open, more honest, because the parts they hold back in real life can be let go further online. If they're inherently dishonest, the online world allows for less accountability.

Good insight.

[FatherTimejr]

mmm I would agree with what Rago says. But at the same time Ive seen it do the opposite, or perhaps...well Ive seen perfectly sane normal people turn into raving lunatics and liers in games or online in general. So that poses a question in and of itself...

Does the anonymity unlock a pent up side in people which doesn't generally get let out? or is it that those people are truly like that on the inside and that the people they are in real life are what they feel they should show to the public?

Ive always felt that the internet is often a magnifier for a persons being, showing off the intricacies of their personality and who they are, so i'd have to lean on the latter of the two but...

[QuietMaster]

A recent interaction got me to thinking... why is it so difficult to be honest?

I've heard some people say that the internet allows us to break down inhibitions, to be MORE ourselves than we'd allow in real life. Sometimes that's true.

What do you think? Is it like real life - sometimes we tell little white lies just so there's no confrontation? Or is it easier to lie when we're sitting in front of a screen? Or - are you as honest as possible??


There are at least two common things with real life and online/internet:

1. One needs to be cautious.

2. One reaps what he/she sows.