Ever had a sub snap/lose control

[antebellum]

I'm new to the Dom scene, realize, and I have only had one pet. We have the safewords worked out, and I also try to keep a watch just in case I think things are going to far, in which case I call a halt.

Once when I was spanking my sub (hand) she curled up in fetal position and started crying. I picked her up and held her until she stopped, and she said she doesn't' know why she does that. This happened one other time when I spanked her with a belt (once lash with it and she did this, so I never used a belt in our scenes again). Here are my questions.

1. What is it?

2. Good or Bad?

3. How do you deal with it?

[AdrianaAurora]

Its very hard to pass a judgement call, considering limited information and not knowing either of you.

It could just be an emotional discharge. Or spanking (or something else) is a trigger.

My best advice to you is – if its possible – to try and find a psychologist sensitive to the Lifestyle. Or at least for you to talk more about it with your sub.

[leo9]

BDSM reaches places we have closed off from the world. Some have good feelings in them that we had shut away because we thought they were forbidden, some hold toxic waste.

But getting toxic waste out is good, if you take proper HazMat precautions. As they say in re-evaluation counselling, the discharge is not the distress: crying and curling up, if they're not a sign you are doing something obviously wrong at that moment (which you weren't), are probably a healing process at work.

You may understandably not want to switch gears from fun to therapy in the middle of a scene. But if I were you, I would set up some sessions where you intentionally do the things that have triggered this discharge, and be ready to give her support and validation - "It's OK to cry, I'm with you, let it happen".

Even if she can't find what she's crying about, it's still good for her. But better still if she can work her way back to the cause, and a simple effective tool is to ask "When's the earliest time you remember feeling like this?" It won't be the original cause, but exploring it will probably bring up older memories to work on.

So to answer your questions:
1) Discharge of repressed emotions which the situation has restimulated. (Probably not something as simple as a childhood spanking - that would only have created such a deep distress if there had been strong pressures on her at the time not to discharge her feelings naturally with a good howl.)
2) Good in the long run, if you work with it and help her get rid of this old pain. As well as being a proper expression of a Dom's responsibility, it's a powerful bonding experience.
3) See above, or any good text on co-counselling and similar therapies.

[cookiecat]

the above suggestions are excellent.

for me, during a scene, that emotional release doesn't come until well in to it but it is usually the same as your pet. i can't seem to stop crying. it feels like a good cry, though - letting all that tension and emotion out.

my trigger - when i get really frantic and upset - is when i have to do something like stand in the corner or with my fingers on my nose... i get rageful. we've tried to figure out why (i think it's mostly because i hate feeling stupid and don't want to go back to being punished like a kid but... who knows?)

i've read a lot of information here about abuse related to D/s. i'm not saying she's been abused! maybe she's simply scared. but her quick reaction to being spanked seems extreme and seems worth exploring.

it's great you are taking the time to find out about this; it's clear you love your girl. search this forum for those threads (maybe type abuse in the search function?) and see if those help. and be patient.

best wishes to both of you

here's one link... i went ahead and searched... hope it helps

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730&highlight=abuse

[icey]

there have been times ive been in that position and i cant say why, but some things do act as triggers for me those are generally in relation to past experiences so we avoid them...is that a possibility with your sub?
it may just be that she was nervous before you started playing which does happen sometimes especially if its something or with someone new, then when you began the lid just blew (if that makes any sense?)
playing can lead to all kinds of different emotions, thoughts and feelings mostly i suspect because of the adrenelin,hormones and endorphins etc going haywire.
so if she's generally a person who keeps things in and doesnt tend to get too emotional its possible that shes a bit more vulnerable to it at those times.
its simply a matter of taking your time if things go wrong then as you did before stop,hold her and wait for her to calm down, people always say to talk talk talk in relation to playing which generally is a good thing but if thats something she's not comfortable with then maybe it's best not to push her and wait for her to talk to you.

[leah06]

I'm treading in dangerous waters here, because I am very new to this and certainly couldn't begin to generalize from my very limited experience.

I've had some similar reactions recently, in a different context, and the two things that were the most helpful to me were that the person I was communicating with (this was not a face-to-face encounter) was very supportive and non-judgmental - which it sounds like you are but it's not just obvious that everyone would be - AND that he did not slip out of a Dominant position. I was feeling very frightened and out of control, and I think that if he had slipped into a "I feel your pain" kind of therapy, even though I can see that it might help some people, I think it would not have helped me. I really needed to know that he was in control, and that he knew what he was doing.

This is placing an unfair responsibility on you, but there you go.

[leo9]

AND that he did not slip out of a Dominant position. I was feeling very frightened and out of control, and I think that if he had slipped into a "I feel your pain" kind of therapy, even though I can see that it might help some people, I think it would not have helped me. I really needed to know that he was in control, and that he knew what he was doing.

This is placing an unfair responsibility on you, but there you go.

Well said. It is possible to be a supportive validating counselling partner within a Dominant role, and while everyone is different, someone who is having restimulation flashes in sub mode is probably best kept there to work on it as a task for hir Dom. After all, you're a sub because you feel safe and supported under someone else's control.

And no, I don't think it is an unfair responsibility. Unexpected, maybe, but that's why this thread is valuable: to let other Dom(me)s know that this may be part of the responsibility they're taking on.

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

that happens to me every now and then and i can't really tell you why. sometimes it just happens like randomly. W/we'll be getting really into it and i'll just curl up and cry. Master stops immediatly and holds me til i feel better and it goes away so You definetly did the right thing cuz that always works for me. anyways i cant tell Ya what's up with her indvidual case You'll have to find out from her.

[sinfulsex]

i havent read all the posts but heres my advice
i had a bit of a bad first experience, in a vanilla relationship. about 1 month into a relationship i woke up from a nightmare/flashback and started hitting my b/f telling him to get the hell away from me. you really have to check there was nothing bad about her, anything she hasnt said, it could even be as simple as her mum or dad smacking her when she was a child, explore all routes possible. i think its really important not to let it happen to many times, if it does happen again be there for her, take it as an ideal opportunity to talk to her (i dont believe its not for want of trying) but you take the lead, realising you are once again vulnerable is a scary thing, maybe thinking someone is displeased with you could be the trigger. i have a lot of friends who have been abused or have had even the slightest of problems who find vanilla relationships hard so it comes as a given that a BDSM one would be hard (it was an online community btw)

hope it helps
emma

[aussiesubgirl]

Beautiful and accurate response leo9....thank you sincerely.
I have expereinced this myself as a sub and am happy to say my Dom took the approaches you mentioned.
xxx