Handicapped People and BDSM - The redux

[RickBulow74]

*decides to bump up a thread I had started back in 2006 considering as how there are some new people who might be able to lend some expertise on this subject*


As I am sure I told some of you that I met in chat or on MSN and Yahoo, I have cerebral palsy, and I am wondering how the handicapped can enjoy the lifestyle as well. If anyone has any experiences please share them with me.

[fetishdj]

There is a yahoo group specifically for this topic - Domsubdisabilities (or similar) there are a fe wpeople on there with a range of disabilities who all seem perfectly capable of having normal BDSM lifestyles... well, if you excuse the oxymoron inherent in 'normal BDSM' :) Check it out and see what advice they have.

[RickBulow74]

I thank you for the plug to the YAaoo group and will check it out soon. Another reason for my posting it here is becausewhen I did in the past it had brought out some replies form those who are memberas here and have handicaps to share their experiences here. I am one who is an open book and as such open about my disabilitym as was evident in my interview with AlexBragi in the Who's Who Here thread which I had done back in 2006

[Oak]

:cayvvotg:Yes handicapped people can be in and have a great time in this lifestyle.
A close friend of mine, was multi handicapped, sat in wheelchair, and could hardly move at all. But he was into our lifestyle - Gay, leather man and submissive. When he should to meetings somewhere, his old 70 something mother packed his gear for him. I can assure you that he was very active and enjoyed it.

[Pearlgem]

I recently made a friend in here - a lovely, warm, intelligent, insightful man seeking to explore his sub side with an understanding Domme. Nothing unusual there.

After quite a long conversation when confidences had been shared, he asked me if I was 'very open minded'. I claimed to be, wondering what on earth he was going to tell me and whether anything in my limited experience would assist me. I braced myself. The big revelation was that he has a disability.

What is shocking about this is the fact that he felt, on here, that such a piece of information was something that he couldn't readily disclose. His profile no longer mentions his disability. When he was new here and it did mention it, he found himself being largely ignored. Not even flirted with! Now he wants a real time relationship eventually but he's here primarily to make friends, learn and grow. So why is he being discriminated against?

It makes me very concerned. I thought the philosophy of the Library was that we respect all kinks, and the people attached to them. Look at the post about bestiality, and the huge number of replies that got. It seems we're willing to afford dogs a better sex life than people with disabilities.

Surely the Library is is a forum where what you are is more important that what you look like. That's one of the things that is so reassuring about finding this place. Lots of women are very self conscious about their looks and weight - witness again the recent post on body size and shape - but my God, if we all had to be kinky AND super models, the lifestyle would exclude the vast majority of us.

Surely on line we are all equal. If flirting always led to a real life encounter, may you fall pregnant every time you even think about sex!

What does it mean to be an on line community?
Are we all equal or not?

Let's get this subject right out there in the open and hear the experiences of people with disabilities as I'm starting to think, sadly, this might be the last taboo.

[fellintobed]

I do not have physical handicaps - however, an ex of mine has CP, and she and I had the opportunity to participate in a panel about sexuality and disabilities. The panelists with disabilities included another woman with CP, a man who'd been partially paralyzed in a skiing accident, and another man paralized from the neck down due to a gang-related shooting. All of them were there with their partners. The panel was presented for college students, and they had the predictable questions: Can you get it up? Can you get aroused? How can you enjoy sex if you can't feel anything? HOW do you do it? It was absolutely fascinating to listen to the panelists' responses and for my gf and I to share our own.

Long story short? People with disabilities can have wonderfully fulfilling sex lives. Shocker, I know! If your body doesn't move as freely as others, work with your partner to find ways around it. Loss of sensation may limit the enjoyment of being whipped, say, just as paralysis can make it impossible to DO the whipping. The simple trick is to be creative. Exploit the mental elements of BDSM and participate in the physical elements to the best of your ability. Dominate your sub through verbal commands if you have difficulty with physical activity. Adapt your submissive behavior to what your body is able to do. If someone tells you that you can't do something you know you can do, wish them well, sigh at their ignorance, and move on.

Call BDSM clubs ahead of time to ask whether they are handicap-accessible (particularly if you use a wheelchair or other movement aids). Make a point of smiling, being friendly, and initiating conversations - sometimes the very person who's afraid to talk to you because they don't want to cause offense will turn out to be the person that opens up readily when they see that you're genuine. There aren't many people already familiar with folks with disabilities, and while it's not your job to be The Embassador For The Disabled, you can still present yourself in a way that lets people respond positively. Become a regular attendee at clubs or munches, if you have the time and transportation. Have a good time and let people see that you're enjoying yourself. These ways of building connections and friendships work for everyone!

[shayna{L_D}]

I, like fellintobed, have no disabilites persay. But my exgirlfriend had a mental disability, she has schizophrenia. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia if anyone that didnt know what that truly was) She told me straight out the gate that she has this mental problem. I loved her and it was something i wanted to help her with and or be there for her when she needed me.

We had to be very careful 'cause if she didnt take her meds then she would "switch" and if i was tied up and she switch that would probably be the end of me.. so we had to be very careful. Even if she was on her meds she would still sometimes switch. When she switched she didnt remember anything as the other person. Hard to believe? Yes. Was it real? Yes. Scary? Yes.

I never would have looked at her Schizophrenia as something that could hold her back, but she did. It is a mental handicap, or disability. A lot of people that didnt know her wouldnt be her friend becuase of the stuff she would do/say when she switched. *she had three other personalities, one was a male, who was very very crule and mean. Other was a child around the age of 5, pretty embarressing, loud, cries a lot, and the other was a male, who was quite and to himself, her as herself was outgoing, kind, nice, friendly, open nothing like the other personalities thats why people got scared of her*

We were D/s to an extent, was i scared that she would switch and maybe hurt me very badly when i was tied? Yes, but it very very rarly happened. I had a way out if it did, also. I never let her Schizophrenia hold the relationship and or friendship back, still to this day i dont hold back a friendship.

I know this isnt as serious as being physically handicapped, but i thought id chim in since i had some expierence here.

[fellintobed]

Shayna, I know this isn't quite pertinent to the discussion at hand, but schizophrenia does not have multiple personalities as a symptom. That is dissociative identity disorder (also generally known as multiple personality disorder). Wiki: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociative_identity_disorder. Your ex may have DID with schizophrenia symptoms, or she may have both. In either case it sounds like you were very good to her, and that's a wonderful thing.

[shayna{L_D}]

fellinto, yes i should make it clear that schizophrenia is when you see and hear things that are not there, she has that also. She would always ask me "do you see those people over there?" and there would be nothing, for arguments sake id say yes, lol. but she is had multiple personalities, otherwise known as dissociative identity disorder. As you can tell from what i said. Sorry i did not make that clear. Welp now i did. So carry on!

[RickBulow74]

I thank you all for the comments listed here so far. I had also done a little research on my own and recalled someone gave me a research paper which I found enlightening and will also post in my profile. I am also going to be doing a talk in a BDSM chatroom basing it on the ideas I had found not only in said paper but also in other sites which I had found.

[skp2bear]

God bless you for your efforts. You have my prayers and support.

[fellintobed]

I thank you all for the comments listed here so far. I had also done a little research on my own and recalled someone gave me a research paper which I found enlightening and will also post in my profile. I am also going to be doing a talk in a BDSM chatroom basing it on the ideas I had found not only in said paper but also in other sites which I had found.

That's really awesome, Rick. Good luck with the talk!!

[RickBulow74]

It will be a discussion and as soon as it is done and posted I will also post it here as well.

[medusa]

Well, having a disability certainly makes me easier to restrain! As long as you've got my good arm I'm a bit stuck really.

Sorry for the flippancy- it also takes a lot more care than it would appear at first, and a Dom who really does understand the difference between a play session and just causing lasting damage and uncontrollable agony for no reason (speaking personally).

I feel very strongly that there is no good reason on earth why everyone, irrelevant of disabilities, shouldn't have the right to a full and enjoyable sex life (assuming they can find a partner who is prepared to join them in whatever they find enjoyable of course). I get very angry when I see society treating everyone who is not cosmetically perfect (whether that's through disability, injury or age) as an asexual being. Everyone has desires and who the hell are we to say that only the beautiful young things gets to exercise them?

I would have thought that the BDSM world was more accepting of a wider range of 'normality' (however you would define that) than the airbrushed 'don't sweat during sex cos it's not pretty' fraternity actually- I'm glad that others have responded positively about this too.

And breathe- sorry for the rant. The treatment of people with disabilities is one of my hobby horses.

*For the record- I'm not a disabled person, I'm a person with disabilities. My arm and my back are disabled, but the rest of me is just fine and not disabled at all thank you*