How do you feel dominating someone who's been previously harmed in some way?

[leah06]

I really need your help with this. I shared some feelings with my partner (not on my own impetus and not out of nowhere) that caused him to reconsider whether he feels comfortable continuing to dominate me. I am not entirely sure why - possibly he feels that I'm too fragile, although I don't think so; possibly the reality of my experiences and feelings, as opposed to a bdsm fantasy, interfered with his erotic response - I don't know. What I've been told is that if he would continue to dominate me these feelings and experiences would arise again and he is not sure how he would handle hearing about them. Now, I'm not even sure this is true, that the feelings would resurface. I have reason to believe that they would not. But, it doesn't matter. I can't be comfortable in any event if I believe that I would harm him with my feelings, whatever they might be.

I know that there are people on this site who have suffered enormously in their lives and in previous relationships, and I know that they are able to submit happily to a new partner. My question is for those partners - how do you feel dominating someone who has suffered a trauma, and how to you deal with your feelings?

Thank you. I really need this help.

[denuseri]

I will make sure my owner finds this post so he can give you his thoughts boo, but i am going to post something he wrote in the abuse support thread on it as well, here is a link to that section if you would like to review the whole thing sometime:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730

And the section with his post I am talking about:

Kuskovian my Husband and Owner's words:

"As a dominate with a survivor of abuse in my care, I have found some ways work better than others, especially conserning BDS&M type activities.

I strongly reccomend you consult a professional therapist/nurse, and or Doctor for help.

I have found in helping Seri overcome/deal with some of her triggers that patience and understanding are "key".
First and foremost: I allways let her bring to the table any issue she wishs to have help with, as well as aide in planning the best theraputic solution senerio. This is nessesary for several reasons, she cannot be expected to have success unless she feels "ready" to deal with a paticular thing. In addition to which, letting her choose, helps reestablish self confidence and esteem allowing her to be in "control" of herself.

Sometimes the best thing is to just listen and not try to "fix" anything (which goes against my nature)and is often the hardest part of this for dominates.

Just being there to hold her when she needs it is one of the things she says have helped her the most.
She has often told me that her triggers haven't diminished; so much as the way she chooses to respond to them has changed over time.

I strongly recommend a "light" hand with any survivor when it comes to limit testing and "tasks" designed to help in dealing with a given trigger, as these emotive responses they experience are very very "real" for them.

For instance: as Seri has previously stated in this thread, it took six months of effort before she could leave the house by herself for a walk around the block in our neighborhood. A walk she took knowing I would be watching her from a distance, but a walk she had to physically take by herself. Baby steps, as well as, slow and steady support were the critical factors.

How you react to your submissive's needs is of paramont importance.

One of the worst things a dominate could do is take offence, find fault, critisize or punish in anyway thier submissive when she has bualked or didn't successfully complete an assigned task conserning her "triggers" or any other abuse related issue that is being dealt with.

Remember it took great courage for her to even bring the idea of "helping' her in the first place, respect that fact, don't demean her just when you are trying to help her. It was a success regardless of outcome, just for her to even try.

Be prepared for her to become very unsettled in her demeanor, especially when in the proccess of coping with certian things. She may lash out at you in an inapropriate manner, not because she wants too, so much as has too.

Physical, mental, spiritual, all aspects of one's being are affected by abuse. It doesn't matter what kind of abuse one has endured.

If anyone needs help conserning these matters feel free to contact us."

I am sure he will respond directly as soon as he is able sisa.
My prayers are with you, contact us directly via pm or on the abuse support thread you know have the link too or via the Abuse support Sacturary found by way of the social group part of your profile page.

[leah06]

Thank you so much Denuseri and Kuskovian. I need to clarify my post. I did have some ugly things in my past that are really not abuse, but that's not what this is about. I only brought up the abuse because I know that other people have sucessfully navigated this world despite what they have been through. In this case it's more about some sad things in my life that seem to have made my partner sad.

I think what I am asking is not so much how does the Dom help his partner with her feelings, as, how does he feel during "play" or when he is dominating in a more forceful way. It seems that something has made my partner feel that he can't see a way into dominating me. As I said, I don't know if he feels that he now doesn't have permission in some cosmic sense (certainly he has permission from me), or if it's just not erotic anymore. Maybe I'm damaged goods? I don't know.

[Flaming_Redhead]

If he's stepping back because he now views you as damaged goods, I'd be the one doing some serious reconsidering of my own. Harm him with your feelings?!? PUH-LEEZE!

Jus' sayin'.

[denuseri]

It is hard to give you advise without knowing the paticulars.


You need to talk with him about this and or have him join the site and read about your conserns first hand.


Of course this could also unfortunately be becuase he isnt as dominant as you may think or has allowed himself to succumb to a weakness of determination.

Eaither way you need to talk about it.

[Ragoczy]

Tough to form an opinion in the abstract.

I can see myself pulling back from a new relationship if I thought there were unresolved issues that I wasn't qualified to deal with in a BDSM context. For instance, if I thought someone needed professional counseling, I'd try to guide them toward that rather than forming a deeper relationship.

In a committed relationship, I might curtail certain activities, but wouldn't try to end things, because there's a commitment to help someone through those issues.

The "... how he would handle hearing about them"-part might be meaningful -- it's possible that your experiences and feelings act as a trigger for something he experienced or felt that was negative for him. If that's the case, then it's conceivable that he could be "harmed". An analogy might be an alcoholic not wanting to be around another alcoholic because their talking about wanting a drink would set of his own cravings -- something like that.

[Kuskovian]

My question is for those partners - how do you feel dominating someone who has suffered a trauma, and how to you deal with your feelings?

It is sometimes a feeling like that akin to holding the entire universe in one's hands.

How could I possibley withdraw from her myself when others have been so cruel, her need of me is paramont as much as my need of her.

In a way it sometimes seems much more difficult yet it is also much more rewarding.

On those days when I am tempted to falter in my resolve; I am reminded, every time I look upon her, just why I am doing it to begin with and redouble my efforts.

The tender look of love in her eyes is allways motivation enough.

[Mastrovenice]

Another take: it may be that he is doubting the sincerity of your submission. Your idea about it not being 'erotic' to him anymore may be on the money, and he may be second guessing your motivations. It seems he is trying to protect himself from a deep connection to you and your psyche. Understandable in a new relationship but not necessarily a noble response on his part.

[Ozme52]

I think what I am asking is not so much how does the Dom help his partner with her feelings, as, how does he feel during "play" or when he is dominating in a more forceful way. It seems that something has made my partner feel that he can't see a way into dominating me. As I said, I don't know if he feels that he now doesn't have permission in some cosmic sense (certainly he has permission from me), or if it's just not erotic anymore. Maybe I'm damaged goods? I don't know.

No way rachel. Or rather... it depends on whether you've dealt with it in a way that let's you set the past aside. How much baggage you carry from those times.

If you are comfortable, and, as you said, have given permission and outlined your limits, then there is no reason for a dominant to not enjoy you to the fullest.

Treating you as "fragile" when you're not, is him projecting his insecurities onto you. I'm guessing, someone with that perspective is less likely to be the Dom you want and need.

btw, I read your personal ad and thought it was brilliant. It won't take you long to find the right match.

[FatherTimejr]

I havent been in a D/s relationship withsomeone who has been harmed but I have been in two relationships, vanilla for the most part,of people who were abused/hurt in the past. And I wills ay both turned out very poorley and they hurt me a great deal. However. Deep down I wouldnt trade either of them out, and would probably do it again. Well not with them, but -coughs-.

As rago said if it was something serious that needed professional help I would guide her to counseling and not move forward until shes had the help she needs. But I wouldnt abandon her.

If I found someone I cared for, it wouldnt matter their past and I would work with them through any problems they have. Because well, your past makes you who you are today, if someone cant accept your past, welcome it along side of you, then they dont deserve you.

[sinfulsex]

hey,
im feeling for you here,
just to get out in the open, i was raped when i was 13 (please no o im so sorrys, it just makes me dwell) and i get its so scary to tell someone, you think they are going to run, to freak out, to think the past will ruin things, in a way i guess i would be scared because i would think i would have flashbacks or nightmare and ruin it, not him ruining it.

but i have learnt a lot the past year,
it is better to tell,
if he cant handle it, he cant handle it but if he really is a good thing for you he will at least try to understand. the worst thing you can do is not mention it again. i have learnt the harway, but face the fear, and if things dont work out, just remember people react differently to different things, if he doesnt react well then thats his problem, he might end up losing you.

all i can say is keep things open, its the best way to continue staying comfortable and these things take work.

i hope you sort this out i really do
best wishes
emma