How do you "look" for a Dom? [Archive]

View Full Version : How do you "look" for a Dom?

miimii

10-29-2008, 08:42 PM

Hello everyone. I have a question...well obviously I have a question! LOL How do you "look" for a Dom? I tried to find out where my local community meets about two years ago and at that time, it appeared that the munches and other events had fallen off for a good while at that time. I went online (though not here) and I actually met three different people who called themselves a Dom, but my experiences with them, well all but one, were more that they just wanted to have kinky sex with me on their schedule. The last guy that I dealt with probably could have been a very good Master except that his personal hygeine was atrocious! I'm sorry, but I just can't be with a person who you can smell before seeing!!! So I gave up.

But now I am back and I would really like to meet someone local or who can at least afford to travel (even though I can't afford it at this time). Already, on this site after just a few days, I have been contacted by some incredibly nice people, but they are just to far away for me. I already know from my past experience that the long term online D/s thing is not my bag. So how do I go about finding him?

blythe spirit

10-29-2008, 09:03 PM

Prayer? Visualization? Positive Thinking? Create one? lol Whatever lots of luck.

hopperboo

10-29-2008, 09:27 PM

Yeah...lots of luck. I haven't found one either. And I'm not really sure where to "look" either.

I've quit trying to "look."

I'm just going to wait. :(

miimii

10-29-2008, 09:34 PM

hopperboo, I'm feeling ya on the just gonna wait tip, but here is the kicker. How is he supposed to find me if I am not in the right place?

shyslut

10-29-2008, 09:35 PM

Theres lots of personals sites. collarme.com alt.com and fetlife.com and many more.

They often let you organize by state and some even by city or metro area. when I did this for curiosity fetlife had 256 people in my area and collarme had even more.

The real question is once you start looking at these sites is how do you narrow down who you want to start corresponding with!!!!

Not to mention that if you get familier with local clubs etc lots of places have bdsm events for singles!

miimii

10-29-2008, 10:21 PM

...and wouldn't you know it, the site that I said was down for a while is back up and there was a monthly munch TONIGHT!!!! I am bummed that I missed it, but I sure as shit signed up on the mailing list and I won't miss next month!

In case anyone is interested, I went to this link bdsm-education.com/munch.html to find munches in my area. They are listed by state so perhaps others could find one in their area.b

hopperboo

10-29-2008, 10:37 PM

Oh God. Don't go on Collarme.com miimii. Just don't! lol.

And yes...I've wondered the same thing...how will they find me if I'm not in the right place...omgosh.

I love it! Well put! *rotfl*

Ozme52

10-29-2008, 10:39 PM

...and what state is it you're in. Putting that on your profile might get some inquiries from here for you.

blythe spirit

10-30-2008, 11:17 AM

Oh God. Don't go on Collarme.com miimii. Just don't! lol.

I'm in total agreement with you re CM; however, there have been some success stories. *counts on one hand* lol And from what I understand about Alt.com - they are money grubbers - not the people, but the site.

shayna{L_D}

10-30-2008, 11:38 AM

I'm in total agreement with you re CM; however, there have been some success stories. *counts on one hand*
*laughs and nods* your right..one hand

good_girl

10-30-2008, 11:42 AM

I'm in total agreement with you re CM; however, there have been some success stories. *counts on one hand* lol And from what I understand about Alt.com - they are money grubbers - not the people, but the site.

*wonders if I'm a finger or the thumb* I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, my Master found me on collarme, of course that was after many, many messages from trolls.

I'm not one to approach anyone, more like just putting myself out there and waiting to be found, lucky for me it worked :)

Sir and I had a conversation about this just the other night, it would seem (like we don't already know this :rolleyes:) that men in general get frustrated at the fact that they are expected to make the first move/first contact. I think each one of us has our own reasons for this, but if we could push ourselves, at least on occasion, to make that first contact I do believe that there are still many good available Dom's out there...they just need to be found ;)

Good luck weeding through the trolls

Flaming_Redhead

10-30-2008, 12:59 PM

Sir and I had a conversation about this just the other night, it would seem (like we don't already know this :rolleyes:) that men in general get frustrated at the fact that they are expected to make the first move/first contact. I think each one of us has our own reasons for this, but if we could push ourselves, at least on occasion, to make that first contact I do believe that there are still many good available Dom's out there...they just need to be found ;)

The guys need to get over it, especially when looking for a submissive female! It seems rather contradictory, to me, for someone who is supposedly submissive to be making the first move. Then, you have the problem of wanting a submissive female who is a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Ladies do not "chase" gentlemen. I'm sorry, guys, but you can't have it both ways.

Oh, I almost forgot! You also have the Old School...where submissives do not speak to a dominant unless they are spoken to.

bip0lar

10-30-2008, 02:16 PM

uhm i think it's sheer good luck. i refuse to go online and look for a Dom, it just isn't what i want and getting attached to somebody with i don't know how much distance between you is effing painful, horrible, vile, annoying, frustrating [and so on and so forth], therefore, i dunno, i suppose it's just like going around looking for a vanilla partner--only more difficult *smiles*.
it does depend on what you're looking for, though. I mean, going out with my sub mode switched on will get me grovelling over guys for silly reasons. [i.e. oh the tone of his voice is so commanding, oh look at his posture] What we perceive in our heads to be domination does not necessarily mean that the other person is doing it on purpose lol. I figured that out the hard way...
in any case, back on track, if you get the answer to that, let me know, i'd like to find the One soon.

miimii

10-30-2008, 06:34 PM

You guys have me lmao!!!! BDSM ettiquete is difficult enough to figure out as it is without having to deal with trolls and goblins!!!! To bad there isn't some kind of recipe or formula that could be used. Thanks everyone for the responses. I plan on sticking around to keep you all abreast of my colorful journey!

Ragoczy

10-30-2008, 07:16 PM

In order to be found, you need to be where someone's looking -- and they have to see you and recognize what they're seeing.

I found my kitten on Alt -- yeah, they're expensive (more so now, as they keep adding "add-ons"), but I had quite a bit of luck there. Even if it was a lot of work.

miimii

10-30-2008, 07:28 PM

I've had some not so good experiences on Alt. Lots and lots of trolls! LOL Perhaps I'll try it out again now that I have a clearer perspective...

Ragoczy

10-30-2008, 07:57 PM

I've had some not so good experiences on Alt. Lots and lots of trolls! LOL Perhaps I'll try it out again now that I have a clearer perspective...

So here's the thing -- the internet makes everything more-so. Including the unpleasant aspects of dating.

My experience on Alt ended wonderfully and had some other good points, but it couldn't be described as easy or fun overall. I probably sent ten to twenty messages a day to new profiles in the area I was willing to travel within. Of those, maybe one in fifty would result in a reply. Of those, most didn't go past a few messages before we discovered incompatibilities.

In my last year on Alt, call it 3000 outgoing messages, I met less than twenty people for dinner or lunch (one of whom was a guy who'd pretended to be female online -- he showed up for lunch ... he was a little weird). Of those, I think five moved on to play-dates (I was looking for casual partners, at the time). Of the five, I played with three more than once -- 0.01% of the initial contacts.

But of those three, I've been with one for almost eight years now -- and that makes up for a hell of a lot.

In fact, I had actually decided to give up on Alt for a while and take a break because the searching was grinding me down. I canceled my account ... but the cancellation didn't take and they charged my card anyway, so rather than argue with them, I simply canceled again and made use of the extra time ... that's when I met my kitten. It's pretty scary to me that if Alt'd canceled my account when I asked them to, I'd never have met her.

For a submissive female, the numbers would probably be reversed ... for thousands of people contacting you, you might find a handful that'll be worth doing anything with. Frustrating ... but how much effort is that one worth?

It's hard, it takes time, it's frustrating, it's infuriating, even ... but if you find someone, it's worth it.

leah06

10-30-2008, 08:28 PM

Oh my God, who has the time?

SnickerKitten

10-30-2008, 09:31 PM

Interestingly enough, I put up one post on ALT describing myself and stating very clearly what I was looking for. Ragoczy was the first response (20 minutes after I posted!) of many. I responded to him and sent a polite response to the next several Doms that sent me messages telling them that I was talking to someone that had responded earlier than them and would get back to them if it didn't work out.

Well, here we are almost 8 years later and I haven't finished evaluating my fit with Rago yet :icon176:

On prior sites, I kept running into the guys that just wanted easy sex on their schedule, or neverending blowjobs. I didn't end up playing with any of them, but I did end up with a vanilla playmate or two along the way ;)

-kitten

Oak

10-30-2008, 11:47 PM

I understand your and the others frustrations, as it never is easy to find a partner. I can assure you that it isn't exactly easy, probably even more difficult, for a male dom to find a female sub... Even in clubs it's difficult, as there goes 100 males, at least, to each female.
So you just have too keep on looking and see if there are any clubs or events in your area.
You also be be lucky with "vanilla" guys, by being honest with them. I've got some quite good experiences with "vanilla" girls, by letting them know that I'm a dom from the very start. Some do of course leave right away, others might want to give it a try and then some leaves. But some really like it!!! Just look at the posted pics of sub zero :rolleyes:

leah06

10-31-2008, 07:25 PM

miimii

10-31-2008, 10:45 PM

Miimii, I hit the "thanks" button but it's not enough - I want to thank you so much for this useful post. I have certainly wondered the same thing myself.

And thanks to everyone who has provided resources. I joined alt-dot-com today, on the advice of Ragoczy and SnickerKitten, but boy, is it depressing!

I'm glad that you find it helpful as well! I know it sounds kind of like I'm asking to be spoonfed, but honestly, I just don't know. My previous experiences found me meeting men who just weren't for me for various reasons. For me another concern is that while I want to be respectful, just because a Dom notices me and wants to communicate with me, that doesn't make him my new Dom. KWIM?

I also have been in some not very safe situations as well and I am truly scared of being put in another one. The more I think of it, I probably should have asked the question in this way...to the owned subs on this forum, what was it that made you know that your Dom was your Dom? What were some of the things that He/She did that let you know that you were safe and that they were a safe person to give your submission to?

Again, thanks everyone for your responses!

jeanne

11-01-2008, 06:16 AM

...what was it that made you know that your Dom was your Dom? What were some of the things that He/She did that let you know that you were safe and that they were a safe person to give your submission to?

Our relationship didn't start online, but I knew Him from here at the library. What that means is - I had been reading His posts for about 6 months, but we had only had one direct interaction - He mentioned a 'position' in a games thread, I PMed Him for an explanation, He explained, I thanked Him...and that was it. Over the months of reading His posts I was intrigued by Him, He appeared to be the kind of Dom that could be trusted, but I did not pursue a further relationship with Him.

Then He took a road trip and posted His route and stated His intention to meet people from the library for coffee or lunch if they'd like...so I did. We met for lunch...the chemistry was intense, and yet I felt safe...and I knew He could be the Dom of my deepest desires, if I were able to let go. I was, He is, and it's wonderful. If you're interested, here's the story of how we met. http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=11686

I don't know if this helps. Trust your instincts. There's a difference between that delicious feeling of anticipation tinged with fear and an outright blaring of your internal warning system. Think about how you felt entering unsafe situations...I'd be willing to bet deep inside you knew.

miimii

11-01-2008, 09:49 AM

jeanne it is funny because before I read this thread, I read the thread that you linked to separatley! LOL I was jealous of that lucky lady (you)!

Ozme52

11-01-2008, 10:04 AM

;)

Patience miimii (et. al.) The best matches take time.

Oh... you may hit it off instantly, once you meet, but waiting for that hot chemistry can take a while.

tydnchaynz{NSXX}

11-01-2008, 03:46 PM

What Ozme said!!! Remember what your Mom used to say, "Anything worth having is worth working hard for AND worth waiting for!!!" And just to put my two cents worth in, i have found that the harder you *look* the less you see. Personally, i decided awhile ago to be myself, get to know those around me, let them get to know the *real* me, make good friends along the way, and one day......one day......i'll meet Him........or maybe i already know Him and just don't know it yet! LOLOL

Everything happens for a reason and i know that when the time is right.......what's meant to be will be *smiles* Now........if you can get past the MONTHS and MONTHS of cold showers, troll wading, and wanting to whine to all your friends about how long it's taking, think of how much patience you will have learned!!!!!! (and trust me.......patience was/is NOT one of my strong suits!!!) *giggling*

Best advice i can give is don't miss out on all the lovely people that are around you because you have tunnel vision for the "ONE".......Take the time to make great friends of like minds and soak up all the knowledge they have to offer. When you do meet Him, you will be much more prepared for the experience!

miimii

11-01-2008, 04:28 PM

Thank you Ozme. I think that was my problem before, I comfused chemistry for lust and just wanting to be able to submit. I am realizing more and more that finding a Master is more about finding myself first. I decided after reading several different posts that it would be more to my advantage to get to know people on here and other sites and take my time to train myself until that fateful moment when I find Him. I am waiting on access to the taskee board so that at least I will be able to work on myself and find out more about my nature and what it is that I want. I am incredibly greatful for finding this board. Sometimes I think that it was put here for me and me alone because you all have TRULY been speaking to me! LOL

Laila

11-03-2008, 02:13 PM

The last guy that I dealt with probably could have been a very good Master except that his personal hygeine was atrocious! I'm sorry, but I just can't be with a person who you can smell before seeing!!! So I gave up.

*gg* Sorry, it just reminded me so much of a guy who called himself Dom I had two dates with while I was searching. In my circle of friends he is now known as 'Smelly-Belly-Button-Man'. He wouldn't have made a good Dom either though.

As to your question... I gave up too. Many times. And my Master now, my dream man, my best friend, I found in one of the unlikeliest of places. A dirty chat on the internet - a place I would never have guessed to find a wonderful person like him.
Of course he doesn't actually live close but one can't have everything. Sooner or later we'll move closer together... if all continues to go well.

Just keep on trying is what I would say. Even though I do know how frustrating it is. Good luck!!!

sinderella

11-08-2008, 09:23 PM

VaAugusta

06-24-2010, 07:57 PM

I want to comment on a few things that I have noticed over the years.

It seems to me that the search for quality doms is subject to adverse selection. Specifically, those most actively looking for a submissive are going to be of the lowest quality.

Since this is just my opinion, I'm going to make some broad assumptions:
-Good doms excel in areas outside of internet forums.

Quality doms most likely have a job or some other form of time constraints. Every hour he spends volunteering at an animal shelter is an hour he's not searching for submissives.

And I'm going to assume this as well for submissives. So...
-Quality doms suffer from time constraints.
-Quality doms look for quality subs.
-Quality subs suffer from time constraints.

It looks pretty grim that our high-value dom and sub will meet. So what can be done?

We have two basic options:
Screening- This method involves that the submissive take action to do as much research as possible about the potential dom to find out if he is quality or not. Examples would include: Asking other people about him, reading his posts, etc.

Signalling-In this method, the dom messages the submissive and gives out information about himself to try and let her know that he is a high quality dom. Examples would include: Similar fetishes (with the sub), pictures of himself, etc.

The downside to screening is: Little or no information about the dom. Example: Not posting as to avoid the sub from knowing his actual opinions. Thereby allowing him to tailor them to the sub.

The downside of signalling is: The dom gives bad information. Example: Claiming to have 40 years of experience. Height, weight, etc.

It is difficult to say which process is definitively better. Most situations work in tandem--or at least I hope. Although, I have seen some "doms" that have not posted, nor allow any way for the sub to screen him.

Personally, I like the screening process. The sub is able to ascertain more reliable information. Asking other people about a dom is a good way to get unbiased information. I know that I said that a downside to signalling is "height, weight". That is strictly if the dom claims to be a certain height. Signalling can be beneficial if you provide pictures with your username for instance.

Now to address what flaming said:

The guys need to get over it, especially when looking for a submissive female! It seems rather contradictory, to me, for someone who is supposedly submissive to be making the first move. Then, you have the problem of wanting a submissive female who is a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. Ladies do not "chase" gentlemen. I'm sorry, guys, but you can't have it both ways.

I'm all for the idea that there are some things men should do first. But as I said earlier, I believe screening to be the best process. That is, a sub does her research on a dom, and makes a judgement about his potential to be good or not. If the higher quality doms can't be online at every waking hour to message submissives, then what exactly is the harm in a sub messaging the dom? I wouldn't find it awkward or offensive, especially if I had never even seen the person's profile before. I know that many women will write on their profile whatever information to stop all the messaging.

To relate with a story.. I remember about 6 months ago that I saw a thread in the "submissives seeking dominants" section. And I read it, and it seemed good from the limited information. I couldn't really screen her too well since there was a lack of posts, and her only having that message. But nevertheless, it was a pretty decent post. Upon seeing that she had only posted the thread an hour ago, I thought to myself: "Perhaps you can get to her in time before she gets flooded with messages!" So I spent my time writing up a thoughtful message to send to her. It had logged me out, so I had to go back to the personals section to find her name again. And I noticed she had posted again in her thread stating that she had already found a dom and wasn't looking anymore.

So what happened?
Due to a lack of screening, I was unable to tell she was a low quality submissive. Someone I wouldn't want in the first place. Having bad information, I devoted my time into writing a thoughtful message to her trying to relay who I am. And it was all a bust..

So that leads me to another point: I had decided that I would always write unique messages to subs. (This was previous to that incident) I know how frustrating it must be for high quality subs to receive messages that have been obviously copy and pasted. Ones that deal nothing with the sub in any way. It would seem that quality doms are being turned away by lower quality subs. And on the other side, when quality subs receive only annoying messages from lower quality doms, they get frustrated.

Most doms don't get any messages at all (well, aside from Torq ;)) So ladies, if you're timid about messaging the fellow because you're stuck on some concept like that. I'm telling you not to worry about it. Anything such as "Hi, tell me about yourself", will probably do.

troublemkr{jonjon}

07-14-2010, 01:51 AM

Sometimes it just happens,when your not looking .

sexyredhead

07-19-2010, 07:26 AM

I would add to not discount a man based on age or looks or some other factor until you have gotten to know him. You never know what may be if you don't give it a chance. I tried to do that with my Master but I couldn't stay away. We met on Alt and I wasn't looking for much more than advice and education at the time. He sent me a message and I felt drawn immediately. But then saw his age and pic and decided to thank him for the interest and good conversation but I was looking for a 'better fit'. Better in my eyes as being younger and more attractive (shh don't tell him I said that!).
No matter how hard I tried I could not stay away from him. Sending messages to him just to ask his opinion. Well long story short, he's my Master now and owner and I find him incredibly sexy even if at first I did not. Personality and connection can make up for a lot if you're willing to take a chance.

That being said, a man with poor hygiene is no catch at all so no second chances there! :)