Should I be mad when the first that comes out of a Doms' mouth is about BDSM/sex?

[bambina]

This is something that really puts me off (and also why I'm having such difficulty finding a Dom). I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc. They don't know a thing about me. Not my Name. Not where I'm from. Not what I like (outside of BDSM like movies, music, foods). They make me feel like a sex object. And not in a good way either because sex-objects are a dime a dozen. All women can have sex. If a man values me for the sexual favors I can provide him (rather than my winning personality and my insatiable curiosity) then I become expendable. If he doesn't get what he wants from me then he'd just move on to someone else. And I am just another whore to him. I don't want it to be that way. On the other hand, maybe we'll get to personality and likes and dislikes later on. But...then that means he's prioritizing BDSM and sex over personality. I dunno.

I just want to know whether or not my feelings about this are reasonable. I mean, I understand that this lifestyle is much different than a vanilla lifestyle. In a Vanilla relationship, if you're with someone whom you love being around then that's enough for both parties to be content. But not when in comes to BDSM relationships. Personality is not enough. That's why we are here. We HAVE to have someone that we are compatible with in this lifestyle. Even if we found someone who was the coolest, kindest, most fun person to ever be around, if he or she is not the role you want them to be (i.e you are both subs or both Doms) then a relationship wouldn't really work out.

So, on a certain level, I understand WHY it's so important to so many people to see 'first' if they have the potential to take things further. Still, does that mean that we push personality and likes/dislikes out of the way until 'later'? Still, personality is just as vital. A BDSM relationship can't function without compatible personalities either. What makes BDSM/sex more important?

Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life.

But, like I said, maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe that's just not the way things work online because, after all, we ARE here for certain reasons that revolve around bdsm and sex and these reasons are so important to the point where a vanilla relationship cannot do. Is this just one of those things that I have to tolerate and pretty much expect from the guys who message me? If that is the case then I can adjust because what I'm doing now certainly isn't working lol.

[sadiej]

I understand some of your frustration Bambina. I am not offended when a Dom begins a conversaiton with pointed questions about my likes and dislikes in BDSM. It is an important part of the connection between a Dom and sub, but you are right... it's not the only thing that should connect us.

I am more offended when that is all they are interested in. When meeting a new Dom it's kind of a process of elimination to see if you are even remotely compatible.

Men are somewhat more task oriented than most women. So they will usually go for the "facts" first rather than the more relationship connection. Their checklist would start with the BDSM compatabilities and go from there.

1) do you like the things i do? 2) do we have similiar thoughts and desires in a D/s relationship? 3) character and personality traits

I would be more wary and untrusting of the Dom that doesn't want to know more about you once the preliminaries are taken care of. I have to feel a sense of connection, trust and respect for a Dom before I can play with them. And one that does not want me for my intelligence and spirit is one that I would pass by gladly anyways.

So, although a little frustrating, remember this is a BDSM connection that you are looking to make, so it is a big part of the compatability test. If you are not into the same things, even though he may think you incredible woman... you are still not the right sub for him and therefore he is not the right Dom for you.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I have NO desire to get to know someone romantically until I'm sure we're on the same wavelength as far as BDSM is concerned. There is no amount of liking someone as a person that could make me want to be with him if, say, he LIVES for...poly. I would not ask him to give that up for me, but neither am I going to all of a sudden decide to do it just for him. It doesn't make the other stuff any less important in the long run if you're looking for a serious relationship, but I just don't see the point in wasting each other's time.

[DesertDom]

well, you are on a bdsm forum, aren't you?

[hopperboo]

You know...I get frustrated about this too.

Myself and another having a nice conversation and then, oh gee, surprising I just got PMed to cyber.

It's really annoying. (To me anyways).

[bambina]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.

sadie, that makes sense. I like your response (as well as a few others). I suppose it wouldn't be right to dismiss a man for bringing up BDSM or sex in the first minute. I guess there is technically nothing wrong with it. After all, it is important. Plus (as someone told me in a PM) it's a good way to break the ice because it's the one topic you know you'll have in common with the other person. DesertDom, it may be BDSM site but that doesn't mean that taking certain courtesies when talking to someone automatically go out the window. I don't care if I'm at a strip club. I want a man to take a genuine interest in ME. Not in my crotch, butt, or mouth.

[blythe spirit]

Mad, maybe not... wouldn't want you to go crazy over someone elses inability to communicate properly. lol Indignant, maybe.

There are so many players out there that only want to "get off" whilst you're devulging your deepest, darkest interests in the lifestyle. You can certainly convey your likes without going into detail. Obviously, we all want to connect with another, who is bdsm compatible. So,without asking questions, how does one know if compatibility will be an issue?

Perhaps you should take a bit more time with these Doms. After telling them your general interests, see what transpires. Usually, the wannabes show their true colors within a few sentences. Like asking "What's your bra size." lol

Getting mad and clicking them off before you've really given them a chance is diminishing your possibilities of someone who might be right for you. Afterall we're not all great communicators and it might be that when you're approached, the Dom is just nervous. Can happen, no?

[Ragoczy]

If you're looking for a long-term partner, then getting to know someone personally first is important; if you're looking for a play-partner, not so much.

So are you being clear in what you're interested in pursuing?

When I was looking for a casual play-partner, I started with the BDSM interests; if I were looking for someone long-term, there'd be more of a mix, heavily weighted toward personality and life-goals at the start.

[DesertDom]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.



Not judging you at all. Giving you a logical first opinion based on where you are at.

If you are on a sports forum, people ask about sports, if you are on a crocheting forum, people will approach and ask about crocheting. And if you set up a profile on a bdsm forum, your kinks are naturally going to be a conversation starter.

If you want someone to "get to know you first", please be clear about that in your profile. Of course, that is not going to stop the pm's from those who want to play and beleive in the quantity theory, but it should help those who read your profile a bit.

[bambina]

I suppose. you just sound so evil when you say it. I don't like the idea but I know that the idea isn't wrong. When in Rome. Still, I suppose I wanted to be among people who would take it upon themselves to introduce themselves and be courteous regardless of their intentions. I may not specify exactly what I want but I would think that that's all the more reason to be courteous upon meeting me (since one does not know what I want).

I have very high regard for this site and the people on it. Never have I been part of such a polite, organized, understanding community. But this is one aspect of it that irks me. I can't expect the site to be perfect I suppose. And the guys who behave this way aren't exactly wrong. They are just tapping at my pet peeve.

[rsjankowski]

sometimes blunt and to the point does sound evil, or just harsh, but it is effectifve, and it's true, men are task oriented. and i've had a friend who would just say to a girl, lets go have sex, and he would walk out with her, used to tick me off that he made it look that easy, so lets try this, hi my name is robert, i'm your possible dom for the evening, you look absolutely georgous this evening, mixed drink? how do you like it? where did you say you were from? what sports do you prefer, and how well are your teams doing, outside of bdsm what do you like? ... ... As a guy i'm pretty much down to earth, i know everyone has feelings and the whole this is who i am, but sometimes i like to be just to the point which sometimes just comes out so arrogant to people and thats just not me at all. i'm not really good with starting a conversation face to face and lord knows i've mande a fool of my self plenty of times, but once people get to know me, they know most of how i say things is just sometimes tken wrong and look behind the tone to get to what was actually said. so i feel your pain in that aspect.

[thir]

This is something that really puts me off (and also why I'm having such difficulty finding a Dom). I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc.





I understand your annoyance at this. I do not think there is any harm in wanting people who can talk about other things than sex and BDSM, and who grasp that you need a bit of a look at the person behind these interests.

thir

[X]

i personaly am not one of those who ask about kinks right away nor do i realy talk about them at all here if im honest. but their are lots of very nice very normal people who come here to "get off" and I say good luck to them. they have every right to do that. just like you have every right to come here and have a normal conversation. I'm sure it "irks" them that you pigeon hole them all as perverts or genraly look down on them. perhaps next time you could just tell them your not interested. im sure then they would be very respectful and understand totaly. try it.

[Whisperz]

i have gotten annoyed at this a couple of times myself...it just seems to me that, if ten minutes into the convo, they know whether or not we have something in common, and they still only seem interested in instant gratification, then they are not for me. i completely understand that it is a huge waste of time if the dom and i are not at all compatible in our likes and dislikes, however, after that preliminary part of the convo is over i like to see a dom ask me about myself and what i enjoy doing outside of BDSM. sex and BDSM are personal for me, and i just am not able to do either with just any random person. i want to know something about the man behind the screen name and i like to get to know him a bit first, it makes me feel more comfortable. not that i am knocking anyone who is looking for "instant gratification", to each their own in my opinion. that is how they are wired, and i am wired a bit differently is all... usually if i am not interested and i say so, they will move on...

Whisperz

[DesertDom]

I suppose. you just sound so evil when you say it. I don't like the idea but I know that the idea isn't wrong. When in Rome. Still, I suppose I wanted to be among people who would take it upon themselves to introduce themselves and be courteous regardless of their intentions. I may not specify exactly what I want but I would think that that's all the more reason to be courteous upon meeting me (since one does not know what I want).

I have very high regard for this site and the people on it. Never have I been part of such a polite, organized, understanding community. But this is one aspect of it that irks me. I can't expect the site to be perfect I suppose. And the guys who behave this way aren't exactly wrong. They are just tapping at my pet peeve.



In thinking about this a bit, in general women have to endure a lot of odd comments and suggestions and being stared at just walking down the street, sitting in a restaurant and so on.

Given the representative population of a slightly non mainstream fourm, why should it be any different here? And given with how we are bombarded with nude women in suggestive positions on every page, how does that help one who comes to talk ?

If your not interested in playing via chat, make your intentions known right off. Probably the best you can do if you intend to hang around.

[Guest110308]

Bambina
First of all, i would like to take the time for thanking you for starting this thread. When i began my exploration of my submissive side (am a switchie). As others have stated, people come to the chat room and the forums for a various reasons. Some are seeking a short term cyber pal. Some are seeking a long term submissive/Master/Miss. Now, i have chatted on this site, with quite a few dominants who were interested in who i was. The whole of me, wanting to know about my interests if they were bdsm related or not. I find for myself, the ones that ask about who you are as a person, before exploring/asking about your bdsm fetishes are the best type of Sir/Ma'am's. And most likely the best one suited for you and vice versa.
I do hope that you find what you are seeking.
huggles

[Daumon]

<< I really hate it when a Dom just meets me (online, not in real life yet), and immediately brings up BDSM. As in, what I'm into, what I've done, what I look like, etc. They don't know a thing about me. Not my Name. Not where I'm from. Not what I like (outside of BDSM like movies, music, foods). They make me feel like a sex object. >>

The internet is the Microwave of releationship. people would rather jump in and ask the comaptability questions related to the reason they are here. They dont want to spend time getting to know someone before getting to questions about the 'juicy parts.' Very wrong headed but thats how many people act

<<< If a man values me for the sexual favors I can provide him (rather than my winning personality and my insatiable curiosity) then I become expendable. If he doesn't get what he wants from me then he'd just move on to someone else. And I am just another whore to him. >>>

Many peopel see the net as a fast disposable way to fill time. A place to meet exciting and interesting people and jumping inot a quick and easy play time or relationship with. They see online as fast , easy and disposable. unlike real life you simple go offline and the issues you have can be put aside and ignored. if its too much troble you walk away and never look back. So all they look for is someone to spend easy safe tim e with and who they can leave behind without too much pain on their part.

<<< Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life. >>>

The chat rooms are ment to be the proper setting to promote the social courtesy of RL. Its hard for some people to stike up those polite conversations in RL. when I cannot buy you a drink or complent you on your hair, dress, or charming looks you have to be able to find things about the person from their conversations in chat. To amy people lack the skills to read people well in RL or online. So they dont connect wellthat way. some just dont have a clue about opeing a proper conversdation. and agains some just dont want to take the time.

Personally, If someone opens with boring, pointless or offensive remoraks then be thankful that they make your job easier. They show you quickly they are not the sort of person you are looking for. their lack of interest save you they time of finding out they are bad matches. Yes its annoying and frsutrationg to meet people who treat you like that. better to have them remove themselves from your selection list all by themselves. It makes it easier to spot the ones that take the time, listen and ask the right questions.

Daumon

[Walker_In_The_Wild]

Your complaint is one of the most profound differences between a guy and a man.
The unfortunately all too common assumption that all males are the same and are only interested in fucking, sports and cars, stems from the guys that you are describing.
And there are so many of them.

(Note: There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the named interests, only the fanatical over-consumption of them. With perhaps an exception to fucking. :)

DesertDom did bring up a good point, and I understand and agree with his logic, but I do have a counter argument:
Yes, if you’re on a sports forum people will likely bring it up as an ice-breaker, but you’re dealing with a non-personal subject.

If you’re on a dating forum, talking to someone for the first time, bdsm forum, you’re on a very personal subject, and that subject does deserve at least a little respect.

So in response to your question, Bambina I wouldn’t be angry and I would accept that there are many different type of people in this world.

Just keep an eye out for the ones you want to be associated with.

[Whisperz]

very well said Daumon....*smiles*

[miimii]

Thank you bambina for starting this thread. I feel your pain on this one. It makes it difficult for me as well to even try sometimes. My past experiences have made me feel as well that if you don't have it in you to take time getting to know as much of me as is possible in that situation, then don't bother. I am not interested in fucking/playing the first time I talk to you and maybe not the second or even third time! And no Sir you aren't my new Dom just because you are talking to me now!

I kind of think of it like this... In the vanilla world, not everyone is going to be for me and neither is everyone going to be for me here. I am slowly learning to be more patient with the folks that I meet and just maintain my standards for safety.

[rsjankowski]

amen, i believe you've got it, safety is key and patience is a vertue, both even cliche as it is are correct. it's a good thing i don't mind listening. i've found every girl loves that. how else am i going to know whom i am talking to and what they like, as much as i would love to be able to read women's minds , it's not possible, so asking the questions of personality , likes and dislikes, i can gear bdsm ideas around that to the enjoyment of the submissive. but i still would just love to be to the point about it. even the patient aren't always, sorry. still this thread has been a good one. would love to hear/read more.

[Ozme52]

Is it too much to ask for the same courtesies one would get if they met me on the street? Even if a guy were at a club on a mission to get laid that night, he wouldn't go up to a girl and immediately ask her if she takes it up the ass. No. He'd say hi. maybe buy her a drink. compliment her on her appearance. Ask her about herself. You know, make small talk before getting to the nitty gritty. Regardless of a guys intentions, they try to be a LITTLE courteous in real life.
You forget where you are. If you were in a photography club (or forum,) the first thing out of their mouths would be questions about your equipment. If you were in the kennel club... what kind of dog do you have? I belong to a motorcycle forum... and you know what? No one asks me about sex... or photography... or even my dog. They ask about motorcycles.

About the ONLY place where you get small talk is indeed the street... and that's only because those are the rules for the street... where there is no common ground to fall back on... so you get asked questions to establish common ground.

Don't try to change the rules just because this is happens to be a sexually oriented site.

[Ozme52]

It was a question desert Dom. I don't need you to judge me for it please.


...and yet, it sounds more like a rant with a few rhetorical questions thrown in.

If you can't deal with someone disagreeing with you, don't start these kinds of threads.


well, you are on a bdsm forum, aren't you?

In what universe was this a judgement of you?

[Beast]

while i understand u are not speaking about all Doms i was raeding ur thread and thinking how true she is .. i believe to be in a lifestyle relationship u must know about their day to day life as well its no point knowing someone sexually without knowing them personally. i understand as i live in the middle of nowhere and value normal adult chat as well as sexual adult chat as i rarley see an adult for weeks. i wish u luck in ur quest to find the one tc ... Beast

[fellintobed]

Personally, If someone opens with boring, pointless or offensive remoraks then be thankful that they make your job easier. They show you quickly they are not the sort of person you are looking for. their lack of interest save you they time of finding out they are bad matches. Yes its annoying and frsutrationg to meet people who treat you like that. better to have them remove themselves from your selection list all by themselves. It makes it easier to spot the ones that take the time, listen and ask the right questions.

I wanted to quote this part of Daumon's reply because I agree with it 100%. I would also add that you have an additional option to try before you put someone on your mental ignore list: redirecting the conversation.

So you're in the chatroom, and you want to meet people to establish a connection - but your first interest is their personality and their first interest is your sexuality. Okay, fine. Run with it:

GUY IN CHAT: hi do you like being tied up and being caned?
BAMBINA: Hi Random Dom. I like to get to know people a bit before jumping right into sex talk. Where are you from?

How he responds will tell you what you need to know - i.e. is he contacting you because he wants to know about YOU, or is he contacting you because you're female and in the chatroom. It might take a few messages back and forth, but you should be able to tell fairly quickly where he's coming from, and THEN you can make the calm, non-angry decision on whether to keep chatting or end the conversation.

[AndreaDawne]

Bambina I can see where you are coming from on this too.
I get frustrated also. But then I moved on. Just say they aren't for me.
I think why people just ask you BDSM related questions then personal is because there are certain subs or doms they are looking for, depends who they are. Once they find something they think they "clicked" with then probably things would get a bit easier to get to the personal part. That's my opinion.
Hope you find someone suitable for you.

[bambina]

Ozme52, as Daumon pointed out, this is a personal site unlike sites that deal with Dogs, motorcyles, and music. And, on those sites, people aren't 'looking' for intimacy. whether they stumble upon it or not is their business, but I can safely say that people don't sign up on puppy forums to find fuck-mates. Don't you think finding a significant other (long term or short) is personal? On a Motorcycle site, you're not prying into one's personal life. You are simply looking for like-minded people. People on a Motorcycle site usually don't have any intention on meeting anyone. I'd love to see a conversation that says "Hey you have a BMW bike? 'I' have a BMW bike! Pull out your webcam. Lemme see it. Aw yea that's sweet. Now look at mine. Yea you like that huh? We should met so that I can see yours in person and touch and feel it and ride it." On a site like this, we take it a step forward.

As relaxed as society is about things of a sexual nature, sex is still taboo in some ways. And some people aren't use to talking about sex like that. But even if they were, that still wouldn't make a difference. Let's say a guy and a girl meet at a bar and click. Immediately they know they are going to have sex. They know the other person wants to have sex and they know that they both came there FOR sex. But do they say "Hey do you wanna come over to my place and have sex?" No. They say "Do you want to get out of here?" "Do you want to come over to may place for some coffee?" "Do you want to go to my place and hang out for a bit?" Or they both might stay silent and have an understanding of what's going to happen. Even if it's written all over each parties face, people don't talk about sex like that REGARDLESS of the atmosphere. We still use different terms to describe sex online, too. I know that all of you understand the term "fun" on a site like this. When you hear someone say "Wanna have some fun?" online you know what they are talking about and they are NOT talking about signing onto yahoo to play chess. Even on a site dedicated to things of a sexual variety, a lot of people still don't come out and say that they just want to have sex. Some might. But most don't. And those few 'some' are the people that I'm talking about on this thread. I believe that since this is a personal site, that's all the more reason for one to take care in how they approach others. And that's all I'm saying.

[in2anything]

I agree that finding out if you're compatible in roles is very important. If I'm sub and the male is sub that changes the conversation. Now we're no longer talking as potential playmates, life partners, etc. but as friends with a common interest and experiences.

I don't see why it should end the conversation either way just because that came first, rather it sets the footing for the conversation. By just clicking someone off perhaps you're losing a friend OR a potential playmate at the least.

What annoys me (and the ones I click off with impatience) are the ones that find you DO have compatible interests and roles and move immediately to "now tell me something erotic so I can get off." Well perhaps not exactly that plainly but it comes through loud and clear anyway.

To me those are the real users and losers we all could live without.

[Ozme52]

Ozme52, as Daumon pointed out, this is a personal site unlike sites that deal with Dogs, motorcyles, and music. And, on those sites, people aren't 'looking' for intimacy. whether they stumble upon it or not is their business, but I can safely say that people don't sign up on puppy forums to find fuck-mates. Don't you think finding a significant other (long term or short) is personal? On a Motorcycle site, you're not prying into one's personal life. You are simply looking for like-minded people. People on a Motorcycle site usually don't have any intention on meeting anyone. I'd love to see a conversation that says "Hey you have a BMW bike? 'I' have a BMW bike! Pull out your webcam. Lemme see it. Aw yea that's sweet. Now look at mine. Yea you like that huh? We should met so that I can see yours in person and touch and feel it and ride it." On a site like this, we take it a step forward.

As relaxed as society is about things of a sexual nature, sex is still taboo in some ways. And some people aren't use to talking about sex like that. But even if they were, that still wouldn't make a difference. Let's say a guy and a girl meet at a bar and click. Immediately they know they are going to have sex. They know the other person wants to have sex and they know that they both came there FOR sex. But do they say "Hey do you wanna come over to my place and have sex?" No. They say "Do you want to get out of here?" "Do you want to come over to may place for some coffee?" "Do you want to go to my place and hang out for a bit?" Or they both might stay silent and have an understanding of what's going to happen. Even if it's written all over each parties face, people don't talk about sex like that REGARDLESS of the atmosphere. We still use different terms to describe sex online, too. I know that all of you understand the term "fun" on a site like this. When you hear someone say "Wanna have some fun?" online you know what they are talking about and they are NOT talking about signing onto yahoo to play chess. Even on a site dedicated to things of a sexual variety, a lot of people still don't come out and say that they just want to have sex. Some might. But most don't. And those few 'some' are the people that I'm talking about on this thread.

You miss the point.

And are 100% wrong. Lot's of people on those sites do meet up. I can attest to that regarding motorcycle sites.

If you're not looking for like-minded people here, what is it exactly you expect to find?

Have you read the threads here? Between introductions, personals, and information sharing, that's exactly what people are looking for. Potential bdsm partners.


I believe that since this is a personal site, that's all the more reason for one to take care in how they approach others. And that's all I'm saying.

Hardly. There was virtually nothing in the original post about being careful. It was all about not liking the style.

[bambina]

Sure there is Ozm52 but that's okay. I don't think you and I will reach a common ground.

Basically, Ozme52 is a prime example of the kind of men I dislike on this site. They feel justified in approaching others in ways I detest just because of the context of this website. Sure it has strong sexual overtones but that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach someone with caution and care here because you have no idea whether or not they are comfortable discussing such things in detail. In real life, the reason men watch what they say and are careful with what they say is because of respect. Men in real life carry a certain level of respect (or at least fake it) for women and, even if they do want sex, they STILL are careful about what they say. So...news flash gentlemen. We are women, too. Just because we seek a certain taboo lifestyle doesn't mean we don't want to be treated as if we were approached in real life. It doesn't mean respect goes out the window just because of the lifestyle we've chosen.

EVERYONE in real life wants to find a life partner and mate but that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes. People may be sexual beings but that doesn't mean that it's okay to shoot straight for sex in a conversation. You work up to it over time when you are comfortable with the person you are around and vice versa. So why abandon that principle here?

Guys, you respect a women enough to at least introduce yourself and ask the girl about her interests in real life. You should hold the same level of respect here.

At first I was seeking an explanation to why men act a certain way and whether or not I should just accept it. But now I realize that those who act and think like Ozme52 don't deserve my time. If a guy can't take 5 minutes in the beginning to at least learn the basics about me then I am better off without him. I made this thread with an open mind. Now I'm a little upset that there are guys out there who think approaching me on the topic of BDSM straight out is okay. I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with a stranger. It's not me. And I hate how guys assume that everyone is cool with it. It seems I will have to write on my profile that I don't discuss BDSM or sex with strangers because, like it or not, there are inconsiderate, impatient, rude people out there who are selfishly only looking out for themselves and care not how the other party could potentially feel about a certain topic. It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

[Flaming_Redhead]

You are on an adult site where the main focus is alternative lifestyles and kinky sex. I have to assume that your are an adult. Why would you bother coming here if the topics discussed, either in public or in private, offend your delicate sensibilities? You used going to a bar as an example. Guess what? If you go to a bar not looking to get laid, you still go with the understanding that you may, in fact, receive undesirable attention. Does it keep you from going? Do you complain to all the other patrons of the bar about how all you want to do is get drunk but have to put up with being hit on in the process? PUH-LEEZE!

:nobitching_nbs:

[DesertDom]

DesertDom did bring up a good point, and I understand and agree with his logic, but I do have a counter argument:
Yes, if you’re on a sports forum people will likely bring it up as an ice-breaker, but you’re dealing with a non-personal subject.

If you’re on a dating forum, talking to someone for the first time, bdsm forum, you’re on a very personal subject, and that subject does deserve at least a little respect.




I really don't consider this a dating forum. To me, it is a bdsm themed forum in which the 'personals' section is presented as a small subset of the overall forum. There are also stories, images, experiences. etc sections. All bdsm themed, personals, again is just a small piece of the overall pie.

And given the overall suggestive nature ( the ads, images, etc) of every page that is viewed, some will get the impression that anything goes. I understand why the ads are there, but personally I feel that the site owners have gone way too far with them and have learned to simply ignore them. They don't make any click-through money on me. :) Side topic, I digress.

bambina, it isn't just men who promote the quick orgasms here, I get approached at least once a day via private message or during chat from a woman (or a man pretending to be a woman) wanting to get it on, so to speak. I just tell them, I don't have time right now :) and move on.
Then there are those who come here for the quick orgasm and they keep coming back , so their needs must be met.

It's not one size fits all. So, it would probably be best if you decide to hang around to develop a response strategy for those whose interests don't fall in line with yours. It just isn't worth getting upset.

[Pearlgem]

The only thing I find tedious is stupidity. If someone wants to open a conversation with 'a/s/l', let them, but seeing it saves me precious time trying to connect with them. I think people on here can connect in many ways, through being sociable, sexual, playful etc. It depends on the circumstances of the conversation, their understanding of the person they're talking to and their own personality and proclivities, but this is a grown-up, not to say kinky site so you might expect a bit of sexual banter as a conversation opener. It needn't offend you. Why should it? Just be yourself and have the sort of conversations you want to have.

Now, Ozme52 is well able to take care of himself, (and I'm looking forward to it) but he's really not an example of the type of thick predator you describe in your original post. He's witty, direct, fun, knowledgeable and sharp as a tack. It seems that's not your type, though it is mine!

[bambina]

Flaming redhead, Actually I DO avoid places like that because of the unwanted attention. I don't go out looking to hook up and therefore avoid the common places where people do go to hook up (bars, clubs, parties, etc...). I came here because it 'seemed' like a tame site. Sure there was BDSM, but the community seemed to be void of those people who make clubs and bars and parties ever so unpleasant.

But in short Flaming redhead, yes it does keep me from going. My conclusion (after writing this thread) is that this is the best I can do and that I have to accept that I can't expect much more from guys. It's just sad that this is the best that guys can do and that holding the same respect for women here that they do in real life is just asking too much.

And I'm not bitching. besides, this is my thread, remember?

p.s: I don't drink

[IAmCanadian]

It's the nature of the beast. I actually think skipping perfunctory conversation and getting to the important question of BDSM compatibility is the right way to go. Of course, there's a way to do it without sounding like a slavering wolf on the hunt for fresh subs.

[hopperboo]

there's a way to do it without sounding like a slavering wolf on the hunt for fresh subs.
...I think a lot of dominants haven't figured this out yet.

Cybering and getting to know someone are two totally different things that haven't been mastered by some yet.

:icon176:




Sadly enough bambina I you are going to have to wade through guys that may get a little too personal, too quickly, no matter where you are. People just expect more of an...openness on a site like this. (Even if they sometimes go about it the wrong way).

[DesertDom]

My conclusion (after writing this thread) is that this is the best I can do and that I have to accept that I can't expect much more from guys. It's just sad that this is the best that guys can do and that holding the same respect for women here that they do in real life is just asking too much.




You are perhaps painting all men with the same broad brush based on attention that you receive from a few. I do have to say that you are quite wrong here.

[bambina]

I suppose I shouldn't be that conclusive about all men. After all I have run into some nice ones, both young and old. But (nice as they are) they still end up bringing up BDSM within the first 3 sentences even though they don't know me. And, after we find out that we are not compatible, they just leave. As if friendship is out of the question. Even if we get along, if they find out that we could go no further than friendly conversation, then they wish me luck and move on.

[hopperboo]

Well...I kind of understand how you are not comfortable with that.

Maybe you need to just ask them if things could go slow (chatting wise) I mean.

Good luck hon. :)

[StormKat]

Sure there is Ozm52 but that's okay. I don't think you and I will reach a common ground.

Basically, Ozme52 is a prime example of the kind of men I dislike on this site. They feel justified in approaching others in ways I detest just because of the context of this website. Sure it has strong sexual overtones but that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach someone with caution and care here because you have no idea whether or not they are comfortable discussing such things in detail. In real life, the reason men watch what they say and are careful with what they say is because of respect. Men in real life carry a certain level of respect (or at least fake it) for women and, even if they do want sex, they STILL are careful about what they say. So...news flash gentlemen. We are women, too. Just because we seek a certain taboo lifestyle doesn't mean we don't want to be treated as if we were approached in real life. It doesn't mean respect goes out the window just because of the lifestyle we've chosen.

EVERYONE in real life wants to find a life partner and mate but that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes. People may be sexual beings but that doesn't mean that it's okay to shoot straight for sex in a conversation. You work up to it over time when you are comfortable with the person you are around and vice versa. So why abandon that principle here?

Guys, you respect a women enough to at least introduce yourself and ask the girl about her interests in real life. You should hold the same level of respect here.

At first I was seeking an explanation to why men act a certain way and whether or not I should just accept it. But now I realize that those who act and think like Ozme52 don't deserve my time. If a guy can't take 5 minutes in the beginning to at least learn the basics about me then I am better off without him. I made this thread with an open mind. Now I'm a little upset that there are guys out there who think approaching me on the topic of BDSM straight out is okay. I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with a stranger. It's not me. And I hate how guys assume that everyone is cool with it. It seems I will have to write on my profile that I don't discuss BDSM or sex with strangers because, like it or not, there are inconsiderate, impatient, rude people out there who are selfishly only looking out for themselves and care not how the other party could potentially feel about a certain topic. It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

This is an adult-oriented BDSM website - why would anyone think a member here, someone who has taken the time to register an account of her own, would be uncomfortable discussing things of a sexual nature? This is not real life either, people come here, online, to meet others with similar interests - why wouldn't they use those topics to open a conversation? If these standard practices are so offensive to you, perhaps this isn't an appropriate forum for you to meet people.

I think you are offering sweeping generalizations based on your own perceptions of what both men & women want, not considering that while your viewpoint is valid for you, it may not apply to others. I'm a person but I'm certainly not looking for a "life partner or mate" either here or in real life. Friends, yes, but there's no reason the conversations in which that friendship is founded can't start out from a discussion of our sexual interests. And while I do think that rudeness is inappropriate, I don't have any problems with someone - male or female - being direct about their interests or what they're looking for. I also don't think that directness is disrespectful. I'd rather have someone tell me what they're thinking or ask me what they really want to know up front rather than beating around the bush with mindless pleasantries for an hour. It's my choice as to whether I answer the question, change the subject, or end the conversation. That information will help determine what kind of friendship - or more - could grow out of the initial discussion. Also don't assume that just because I'm not actively seeking out a long-term relationship that I'm just looking for a string of random encounters with anyone who's interested - I'm much more highly selective than that. But how the conversation started isn't nearly as important to me as where it ends up going.

[GearJammer]

Well, kiddo, I was going to tell you how good some of the advice was, then I saw the bottom of the first page and the second page.

Seems that you have been given two categories of advice:

1. It's not too much to ask, if that's what you need.

2. It is too much to ask, this is a sex site, get with the program.

I'll fall into the first category.

IF, however, IF it were true that all subs need to feel like mere sex objects (which some do) then I'd fall into the second category. That is the ONLY basis for agreeing with the second category, and again, all subs DO NOT have a repressed (or known) desire to be merely a breathing masturbation object.

Continue looking. Yes, you will have to wade through a lot of guys who are only here for the immediate sex (just like, to a lesser degree, I would have to wade through a lot of girls that are only here for immediate sex), but if you are worth it to you (and I think you are), then you are worth it, period.

Frankly, I'd go nuts with a sub that only was there to be my cum receptacle. Thank goodness, kurious is smart, engaging, and capable of initiating fun stuff. Otherwise, I'd be done with her after the first or second cum. That's not a relationship, that's high school junk.

Oh, and hopperboo, it appears this goes for you, too. Best of luck.

[fellintobed]

You know, bambina, I was supportive at first, but I'm growing increasingly frustrated with your attitude.

You cannot control others. You can control yourself. It's that simple.

Stop belittling everyone who doesn't match your standards, for heaven's sake, and do some introspection on WHY you demand others change to suit you (are any of us so special that we can get away with that?) and WHY you are on a sex site if you are so easily offended by people who, surprise surprise, want to talk about sex.

Maturity and patience will get you far. Petulance and self-righteousness will not.

[bambina]

I'm not belittling anyone. That's the last thing I'm doing. I just expected more. I just don't like how if something deals with sex, things have to be ALL about sex. Since a lot of people go to bars to hook up, bars are labeled as places to hook up with people. Heaven forbid someone would actually want to go in a bar just to be social with friends and have a drink or two. Sure, one might find a nice guy or girl to be friends with (that could develop into more) by chance but does that always have to be the driving force? I'd love to find a Dom but I'm not pouring through profiles trying to scope out one. I sit back. Relax. Have a conversation or two. Just so happen to run into someone who is fun to talk with (about non-sexual things). Become their friend. Get to know them over a course of a few days. Maybe we move on to the topic of BDSM.

But there I go dreaming again.

[blythe spirit]

Hun, in your profile it states that you're seeking a "compatible" Dom. So, how do they know whether or not they are compatible with you, if they don't ask BDSM related questions?

If you're just looking for Dom friends, why don't you change your profile to state that? This way you can have all the time in the world to decide whether or not someone can meet your BDSM needs.

[Pearlgem]

Where are all these sex predators on this site that you can't fling a half brick out the window without hitting one? Why have I only come across intelligent, friendly, amusing folk on here?
Why haven't I been pestered in this way? What's wrong with me?
I demand my rights!

[hopperboo]

LOLOL PearlJem

[bambina]

blythespirit my profile also states that I want guys to get to know ME first. As in, before BDSM even comes into the picture. But I suppose even that isn't enough. There is no room to add anything to my user title so I'll just add it somewhere else.

[hopperboo]

There is no room to add anything to my user title so I'll just add it somewhere else.
LOLOL

You might get a comment here or there that IS BDSM beforehand (even if it's not a "cyber" message...try not to discount the men that do that right away, just ask them nicely to take a step back).

:)

You seem like you are very "upset" about this and I feel like this isn't the first topic you've seemed upset or I guess worried about.

I can understand how you feel because when I first started in BDSM areas a couple of years ago EVERYTHING made me extremely mad. The term "slave," the idea that a slave is a "thing" in some people's eyes...the idea that I had to actually be a submissive (which is funny because that is what I wanted - and still want), but...just...anything and everything was upsetting. I really hope you stick around and you don't feel to angry about things in general. It gets easier. I am very different from the person I was when I first started chatting / posting on BDSM forums. I'm still "me," but I try to be more respectful of people, and I try very hard to not let my own feelings and morals get in the way of my making new friends and get in the way of feeling how I do about BDSM in general.

(Though it's something I'm sure I will always be working on because I am an opinionated person).

Hugs.



p.s. Sorry if that whole thing is way off base.

[Ozme52]

Sure there is Ozm52 but that's okay. I don't think you and I will reach a common ground.

Basically, Ozme52 is a prime example of the kind of men I dislike on this site. They feel justified in approaching others in ways I detest just because of the context of this website. Sure it has strong sexual overtones but that doesn't mean you shouldn't approach someone with caution and care here because you have no idea whether or not they are comfortable discussing such things in detail. In real life, the reason men watch what they say and are careful with what they say is because of respect. Men in real life carry a certain level of respect (or at least fake it) for women and, even if they do want sex, they STILL are careful about what they say. So...news flash gentlemen. We are women, too. Just because we seek a certain taboo lifestyle doesn't mean we don't want to be treated as if we were approached in real life. It doesn't mean respect goes out the window just because of the lifestyle we've chosen.

EVERYONE in real life wants to find a life partner and mate but that doesn't mean it's okay to talk about sex in the first 5 minutes. People may be sexual beings but that doesn't mean that it's okay to shoot straight for sex in a conversation. You work up to it over time when you are comfortable with the person you are around and vice versa. So why abandon that principle here?

Guys, you respect a women enough to at least introduce yourself and ask the girl about her interests in real life. You should hold the same level of respect here.

At first I was seeking an explanation to why men act a certain way and whether or not I should just accept it. But now I realize that those who act and think like Ozme52 don't deserve my time. If a guy can't take 5 minutes in the beginning to at least learn the basics about me then I am better off without him. I made this thread with an open mind. Now I'm a little upset that there are guys out there who think approaching me on the topic of BDSM straight out is okay. I don't feel comfortable discussing such things with a stranger. It's not me. And I hate how guys assume that everyone is cool with it. It seems I will have to write on my profile that I don't discuss BDSM or sex with strangers because, like it or not, there are inconsiderate, impatient, rude people out there who are selfishly only looking out for themselves and care not how the other party could potentially feel about a certain topic. It's a shame. It's a damn shame.

WHOA & WTF!!

In as much as you have never been approached by me, you have a lot of nerve characterizing me in any manner.

I merely think your need to rant about this site, denigrating the membership, and painting them with the broad brush of your latent disgust, is tiresome. I disagree with most of your opinions and am constantly appalled by your characterizations of people who think differently than you.

Maybe only one kind of person approaches you, (the ones who don't participate in the forum discussions and don't read your tirades,) because of how you act in the forums.

Regardless, implying in any manner that I have treated you as you described in this thread is an unfounded LIE.

[hopperboo]

I know some of her comments might be offensive, but I really felt the same way when I first started on BDSM forums and I chilled out quite a bit.

Sometimes people just need a little time.

*Hopes that everyone will be able to get along.* And hug. :D I like hugs. lol.

[Torq]

OK< Folks Thread closed will be moved shortly,,certain members WILL be getting a PM as to their FLAMING. I guess some folks will never learn!!!!!

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH

T