Smells like betrayal...

[Laila]

I have a bit of a dilemma... which maybe some of you lovely people have some thoughts on or can relate to...

I am still pretty now to actually living out my submissive side (although I have had fantasies since I was a child) but now that I do I have come across one thing that I struggle with a lot and I don't know how to handle this.

I am a very communicative person - I am used to telling my mother and my best friend everything- and they do the same. We share things, especially things that make us happy or changes or exciting relationships etc.

But this I can't tell them.

When I was 13, I was on the net, chatting with so called Doms, cybering, roleplaying and my mother found a chatlog of mine. It was a huge deal - she is not a prude but she was extremely worried because she thinks what we do is really wrong. She believes in the empowerment of women and has clear opinions of how sex should be for women and how they should be treated. My submissiveness goes against everything she believes in - at least I could never convince her that in truth and at the core of things it doesn't.

With my best friend its a bit different - she might actually understand to a certain level - I don't know. If I phrase it right and in the right moment.

But My Master doesn't want me to. He hates it when people talk about their sex-life and the intimacies of their relationship and sees it as a small betrayal. He wants to keep it as something special just between us and I understand and respect that too - and not as a slave to her Master but from human to human, lover to lover, friend to friend.

But now whenever my best friend or my mum ask me how things are with my Master because they do know that I am in love with him, I feel like I betray them because I lie. Mostly I withhold the truth but there are instances of small lies as well. Its especially bad with my friend because in my heart I know that there might be a way that I could tell her but don't.
Of course telling her would betray my Master which I can't and wouldn't...

How do you guys deal with this - with very close friends and family who aren't in the lifestyle? And who do you talk to about it?

[Ragoczy]

I don't talk about it with others.

I trust my kitten's judgment for which of her friends she'd like to open up to about it.

[Laila]

Hm... I need to talk about it. If I don't it all brews inside of me and then I get needy towards my Master and I feel - um... not so much upset but as though something is swirling around in my head that only rests for a while when I talk about it...

[denuseri]

Wel I just dont talk to my mother about sex, period,, relationship issues can be discussed until we are both blue in the face just fine without going into detials.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I'd never be able to not talk about it. I have a friend who is a Dom that is in the lifestyle, so I can talk to him from time to time. And I have several sub friends. Have you tried explaining it the way you did here, to your Master? I understand not talking about your sex life, that would bother me a bit too (I'm weird about it). But, relationship in general, it's natural for you to want someone you can talk to. My Master trusts me in my judgment on who I talk to and about what. But, I did talk to him about sharing with people, before I did anything.

[Laila]

But it all flows together - how can I discuss my relationship without going into the submissive issue... that is where the small untruths come in.

And it isn't that he doesn't trust me. He just doesn't like the idea of having something so intimate between two people being dragged out to some friends. I think he wouldn't mind if I just told someone I was a sub - but again its not like there is a clear line... this is just me and this is us. And this is just general and this goes into intimacy.

Thank you for your comments though... they make me think and are very helpful :)

[Veralynne]

I understand how you feel, I am a very open person and I don't think I could handle it if I were told to "keep things private". I feel that since a relationship is between two people, it is unfair to demand the other person not to tell. I think each person has a right to talk, or not talk, about it as much as they want. I am very close with my friends, and I would feel it was a betrayal of my friendship to them to not be honest about my sexual and relationship-issues; I know not everyone feels that way, but my friends and I have friendships where we talk open and honestly about that kind of stuff- so I know if I suddenly held back they would be hurt. And I wouldn't want to. So I think it is very fair for you to be allowed to talk about whatever you want with your friends or family. I'd try explaining yourself to your Master and getting him to see your point of view. I'd feel very sad if I had to hold part of myself inside like a secret if I wanted to share it with everyone.

Good luck dear!

[delish]

I was actually quite frank with my mother when I decided to "come out" to her about it. I sent her links to websites and told her I'd discuss anything. She's probably not comfortable about it, but I wasn't under 18 when I told her, so she couldn't have fits over it at me.

I don't see how small untruths come in, though. Do your mother and friend pry about your sex life? If not, the basics should translate well to vanilla, so to speak. We're in love, he treats me exactly as I deserve, and I am so happy. Those seem like truths that are encompassing, y'know? When it comes to sex, unless they're asking for specifics, say that you're enjoying it. You and he are compatible.

I don't understand what it is about your relationship that needs to be disclosed about you being submissive. It sounds like you just really want to talk to them about that, and if you need to do that, it's something you and he need to negotiate. Not everyone has the same level of privacy, so you both have to adapt. It can't be a nebulous thing that's floating around and making you miserable without even really being defined.

[jezabel]

i could never tell my mum, we just dont have that sort of relationship with her, but ive told my sister and best friend that im involved in the lifestyle.

they asked a couple of questions and i answered them honestly but at least i know that if i had a problem i could talk to them about it....so i suppose im very lucky

[SubmissiveDoll]

Well if you are lifestyle BDSM then there should be a difference between relationship and sex. I could tell everyone I meet that I'm a sub, and I have a Master. I never have to go into sexual details. I have vanilla friends, they talk about their relationships all the time, and I never have to hear about their sex life.

Yeah there can be fine lines, and I understand keeping the sexual part of the relationship sacred and between only the two of you. I feel the same way. But, I can tell my friends about my relationship, good and bad, without talking about a scene or any sort of sexual playtime.

Sometimes they blend, just talk to your Master and find out what his boundaries are. You can't be expected to never talk to anyone, it's nearly impossible for most women. We share feelings by nature.



But it all flows together - how can I discuss my relationship without going into the submissive issue... that is where the small untruths come in.

And it isn't that he doesn't trust me. He just doesn't like the idea of having something so intimate between two people being dragged out to some friends. I think he wouldn't mind if I just told someone I was a sub - but again its not like there is a clear line... this is just me and this is us. And this is just general and this goes into intimacy.

Thank you for your comments though... they make me think and are very helpful :)

[sinderella]

But My Master doesn't want me to. He hates it when people talk about their sex-life and the intimacies of their relationship and sees it as a small betrayal. He wants to keep it as something special just between us

How do you guys deal with this - with very close friends and family who aren't in the lifestyle? And who do you talk to about it?

that would be enough for me, respecting His wishes.

i never tell any close friends or family members - not because i am ashamed, but because it is none of their business. i cherish this part of myself for the treasure that it is.

[Pearlgem]

I tell people on here, still relatively anonymously. It's a great relief.

[shayna{L_D}]

How do you guys deal with this - with very close friends and family who aren't in the lifestyle? And who do you talk to about it?

Okay so im late as always but better late then never. :)

I have a best friend, who knows, i came out to him becuase he is well, my best friend. He's openly gay, so he knows what it feels like to harbor a secret like this, that you just want to scream it to the world. He thinks im weird, and crazy but nonetheless understands, and accepts me, and my choice. I talk to him about it all the time, and he doenst mind at all.

My parents on the other hand, for-fucking-get about it. I can talk to my parents openly about my sex life, but when it comes to details its a no thank you. I do not live with them, so therefore they cant walk in on me tied up, or standing in a corner naked. *blushes* Or find my restraints,collars,whips, crops, or canes. So for that i am thankful!

Like Denu you said, you can talk about relationship issues til your blue in the face with anyone, but do they need to know details, thats up to how comfortable you are with that person, or how open minded that person is.

Im just thankful i have a lof of freinds into BDSM, and my best friend, so that i dont go insane (well more so then i am).

[bip0lar]

uhm, just to chip in with an idea here, perhaps it would help you if you wrote everything down? like 'a letter' if you will, to your mother or best friend or whatever? get all the things you want to say in there, make sure it's exactly how you want it and if you still want to tell, ask your Master to read it for you--you've still respected his wishes but you've also worked with yourself in finding a way to deal with what you want.

[steelish]

I was actually quite frank with my mother when I decided to "come out" to her about it. I sent her links to websites and told her I'd discuss anything. She's probably not comfortable about it, but I wasn't under 18 when I told her, so she couldn't have fits over it at me.

I don't see how small untruths come in, though. Do your mother and friend pry about your sex life? If not, the basics should translate well to vanilla, so to speak. We're in love, he treats me exactly as I deserve, and I am so happy. Those seem like truths that are encompassing, y'know? When it comes to sex, unless they're asking for specifics, say that you're enjoying it. You and he are compatible.

I don't understand what it is about your relationship that needs to be disclosed about you being submissive. It sounds like you just really want to talk to them about that, and if you need to do that, it's something you and he need to negotiate. Not everyone has the same level of privacy, so you both have to adapt. It can't be a nebulous thing that's floating around and making you miserable without even really being defined.

I couldn't have said it better! There's really no reason the submissiveness has to come into the open during any discussion with your mother or best friend.

"Yes mom, I love him very much"

Smile and respond: "Oh yes, we're verrrry sexually compatible - but I'm not going into details - I'll just say that we both make each other very happy"

By not going into details you won't be betraying him, and you're also letting your mom and friend know how much he means to you. Although you might want to discuss being able to say at least this much to your mom and friend with him before doing so.

[Aibo]

Hello Laila

If I understand your post right, then you seem to feel you have to tell your friend and perhaps your mother as well.

"With my best friend its a bit different - she might actually understand to a certain level - I don't know. If I phrase it right and in the right moment."

I can see quite some things in your post that sound familiar, though not in all details. (My mother have known for many years, so nothing would be news for her.)

And its is a problem your Master dont want you to go open, all i can say is that you might try talking to him again and explain your need not to live hidden since that cause a conflict for you.

"And who do you talk to about it? "

With the collar my submissive did wear at all times, it was something we had to address sooner or later, and so we decided to do that in a way we had control over, so it was us two who did choose when to step forward.

And afterwards I can only say that after years of more or less living in a lie, it felt very good, and no reaction was negative at all, from lukewarm tolerant to outspoken positive from a few who turned out to have the same interest, but before we got out of the closet never had dared talk about it. Some individual started to keep more of a distance, and I think found it to be disturbing, but it was not a closer friend.
So overall I can say it was all for the good in the end.

[Borgs_slave]

You should get your mother and friend the book "When Someone you Love is Kinky" . You can find it on amazon and if you can't find let me know, I will find it for you. It is a wonderful book that helps explain to vanilla people what it is that we do. They might not accept it but they will definitely have a better understanding and you won't feel so caught in the middle. :)