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Rum Bos'n
11-06-2008, 09:00 AM
This is my first story, posted in August be revised recently. I'd be interested to hear what more experienced authors make of it - I have number of other chapters mapped out, and an ending, and the next 2 chapters are on the stocks nearly ready for launching. All comments gratefully received.

thanks, RB

Part 1 – Abduction

Marianne set the alarm, shut the front door, and locked it shut - she was always meticulous when it came to security. She walked down the short path forth house to the road, setting out for her daily constitutional walk. She took pride in keeping her figure trim, and walked at least 3 miles each day. She may have been 35, but she had the lithe body of a 25 year old. She weighed only 7 1/2 stone, and fitted comfortably into a UK size 10. Altogether, a fine specimen of womanhood. She was currently on her own because her Royal Navy husband was away at sea in the Far East, and the ship was not returning home to Devonport for another 9 months. Then there would be a 2 hour train ride to their home. This was the lot of a Navy wife, and she was used to it.
Setting off towards the common, she began to get into her stride. Nearing the first corner, she noticed with irritation that a white van was parked on the pavement, the bit where it was extra wide. This was common occurrence, because there were a number of new houses being erected nearby, and its was convenient for the builders, but it still annoyed her.
As she squeezed past the van, which had its side door wide open, 2 large hands grasped her firmly, one round her mouth cutting off the beginnings of a scream, and the other around her waist, quickly dragging her slight seven and a half stone form into the van. It all happened so quickly, it was unlikely the event had been observed. It was all over in seconds, and the door slammed shut with a terrified Marianne inside. The engine started, and the van moved away. Nobody noticed.
In the van, Marianne was giving way to panic, struggling and kicking. To no avail. Strong arms held her tight, a hand still over her mouth. She had not seen her assailant, nor the driver of the van. She had no idea what was happening to her, but she didn't like it.
The hand over her mouth was removed, but as she drew breath to scream, duct tape was slapped over her mouth. The assailant now had an extra hand free. Firmly holding her hands behind her, he laid her roughly face down onto a rug on the floor of the van, and quickly sat one back. More tape was bound round her wrists and ankles, then she was completely at his mercy. Satisfied with his handiwork, the assailant stepped back to admire his defenceless captive. She could see him now, dark hairy and swarthy, but she had no spark of recognition. What was going on?
The van bounced along the road, and she slid from side to side on the bends. She attempted to calculate where they went from the lefts, rights and stops and starts, but soon had no idea where they were. "Not long now", said a gruff voice, "then the fun will begin. Meanwhile, let's see what we've got." She felt him pushing a hand into her blouse, and under her bra, horny hands grasping her tit, finger and thumb feeling for her nipple. "Hmm. Nice tits but nothing much in the way of nipple. That's something for us to sort out." He removed his hand, and she was surprised he rearranged her bra and blouse. Then she felt his hand under her skirt, roughly pulling aside her knickers. 2 fingers were jabbed into her cunt, which was still dry. She squirmed with pain. "That's nothing. Wait till we really get going" he said. "Hair! We don't do hair. That will go very soon." She hadn't shaved her pussy for years. She had tried it once, shortly after she married. It was a great turn on being shaved by her new husband, and sex afterwards was brilliant, but she couldn't stand the itching, and refused ever to do it again, no matter how much her husband asked.

She lost all track of time - it seemed like a lifetime - but eventually she heard the gearbox drop down through the gears, and they turned into a drive. She heard the tyres crunching over gravel. Then they stopped. Now what? The sliding door opened, and her assailant picked her up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and stepped out into the sunlight, her face bouncing into the small of his back.
They weren't in the sun long, though. He stepped through a door, and entered a grand hall, and the door clunked shut behind them. He shrugged her off his shoulder onto a soft sofa. Where was she? she looked around as much as her bindings would allow. It was a grand room, expensively and tastefully furnished, but why was she here? neither were they alone. A well dressed middle aged man was observing her with mild amusement. "Marianne! How nice to see you. I have been looking forward to our meeting. we are going to some fun times together - well I am, anyway. Joe, take her to her quarters."

Her assailant, Joe, picked her up easily in her arms, carried her through a door at the end of the room, along a wide hall and into a reasonably sized bedroom, where she was dumped unceremoniously onto a double bed. With one movement, he ripped the tape from her face, bringing an agonised scream. Without waiting for that pain to subside, he removed the tape from her wrists and ankles. "There is a shower through that door, and clothes your size in the wardrobe. Leave your clothes here - you won't be needing them. I shall return in 30 minutes, when I expect you to be showered and dressed in the clothes provided. The window is alarmed, and we are miles from anyone else, and the door will be locked. There is no point screaming for help." He turned and left, as she began to sob.

Ten minute passed, and still Marianne sobbed. A key turned in the lock, and Marianne started in alarm. A young girl of about eighteen entered the room, bearing a tray on which was a steaming teapot, jug of milk, and cup and saucer. "Madame, I have been instructed to bring you some refreshment. You have only 20 minutes left to shower and put on the clothes supplied for you. I must warn you that if you are late the repercussions will be serious, and if I were you I would stop crying and get into the shower PDQ." With that, she put the tray down on a low table, and left. The key turned in the lock.
Pulling herself together, Marianne quickly stripped down to bra and knickers, and went to investigate the shower. neatly tiled in white, it seemed a conventional en-suite unit. Realising she was bursting for a wee, she quickly got that over with, and stepped into the shower. Everything was there: clean white bath towel, soap, shampoo - the lot. Turning on the tap, she luxuriated under the stream of hot water - at least she wasn't paying the gas bill, she thought.
She stayed there 5 minutes, making sure she soaped and rinsed all her secret places. She might have guessed, but didn't, that they wouldn't remain secret very long. quickly drying herself off, she ran into the bedroom to pour her tea, and get dressed as instructed. Taking a gulp of tea, she opened the wardrobe with some trepidation. What would she find?
She found a short white dress, her size 10; a suspender belt - also white, stockings, white high heeled shoes, a white leather collar with a number of rings set into - and nothing else. Where were the bra and knickers? She couldn't be seen without them! She'd put her own undies on. But where were they? All her own clothes had disappeared. Time was running out. Only one thing to do - put on what clothes were available. Her hair was a mess, and she then noticed a dressing table, with a hair brush, mirrors, and a bottle of expensive looking scent.
As he began brushing her long hair, her eyes fell on a Post-it note. "The scent is to be applied to each nipple, your cunt, your anus, and your clitoris. Do not fail." What was she in for? - it was beginning to get intriguing, and, she had to admit reluctantly to herself, she was beginning to get turned on. Time was now very short. She dabbed the scent as directed - and winced as the pain of the spirit burned her sensitive parts. Now to get dressed. On went the suspender belt; on went the stockings; on went the dress - and she realised with horror that it only just covered her cunt. Finally, the shoes. She had never worn shoes with heels this high, and she was worried about falling over. Just in time.

The lock rattled, and the door opened. In walked the same girl, who seemed to be a servant. "Please follow me", she said, and turned to leave. "Wait! cried Marianne "where are? Where are we going?" "You'll find out soon enough" said the girl, and carried on out of the room. Marianne struggled to keep up, the heels felt very ungainly, and she wallowed rather like a ship in a stern sea.
She clattered on along corridors - this was obviously a sizeable house - and into a large and sumptuously furnished room. There stood the well dressed man she met only half an hour ago, a glass of sherry in his hand. "Ah Marianne, you are looking a real picture." Then his face darkened. "But what is this? Where is your collar? You have disobeyed me! You will learn obedience here, beginning tonight."
Marianne paled. "I didn't realise. I'm sorry." "You will be. And you will address me as sir. Turn around and bend over NOW!"
Fear turned to anger. "I will not flash my cunt to a perverted stranger, and I will not call you sir. Let me go now."
A half smile crossed his face. "I hoped that would be your response. Now I can do it the fun way. Joe - you know what to do. Joe got out of a chair in the corner - she hadn't noticed him there - and quickly crossed the room towards her. Seizing her round the waist with one large arm, he half carried her through a door, and own a flight of stairs. This was obviously the basement. The room they entered had no windows, although a weak natural light filtered through a grating in the ceiling. Spotlights came on as they entered, and she cried out in alarm at the sight. It looked like a mediaeval torture chamber. "NO! I'm sorry! I'll do as you say!". " Too late, miss" was the only response.

She found herself strung spread-eagled between 2 large posts, her arms secured to the top corners by ropes attached to her wrists, and taken through pulleys at roof level, and pulled tight until she could just stand on tiptoe. This raised her dress, and she knew her pubic hair was plainly visible. Despite her predicament, her cunt began to moisten with sexual excitement. This was a new experience.
Joe stepped back to admire his handiwork, as the master entered the dungeon. Marianne gasped in amazement. With him was lady she had always considered a friend - Helen, who lived along the road, right beside where she was kidnapped.
"Surprised to see me, Marianne? I bet you are! You never guessed how much I wanted to fuck you, and to see you taken down a peg or two. You with your perfect body, your perfect children, your perfect husband. And now I have you at my mercy. Before you leave this property you will be a branded pain slut, a sex slave for anyone who wants to fuck any of your holes, living for the kiss of the whip on your tits, ass and cunt. I shall enjoy the next few months."

Marianne was devastated. Her friend had betrayed her. She was being threatened with unspeakable torture, she was currently spread-eagled between 2 posts, her naked cunt was visible to everyone in the room. She sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed.
Her self-pity was halted in its track by a searing pain between her legs that took her breath away. Helen, previously her friend, had brought a whip upwards sharply against her cunt. She struggled to find breath, but gradually the pain eased. "Shut it! You've seen nothing yet!", Helen hissed. Marianne shut it, apart from an occasional sniff.
"Now we have your attention," said the master, "we shall tell you how the next weeks and months will continue. You will learn total and instant obedience. You will learn first to accept pain, then to love pain, and then to become addicted to pain. You will learn total and unquestioning loyalty to your masters and mistresses - and the lessons start NOW!" And with that he ripped her dress completely off her body in one fell swoop. Now wearing only suspender belt, stockings and high heeled shoes, she had never felt so naked and open and vulnerable. "Time for your first lesson", and she felt the pressure on her arms released as the ropes were released. Her relief was short lived, however. Instantly she was pulled forward, and bent over a low leather padded bench. Her arms were again spread-eagled, attached to eye bolts in the floor. This time her legs were similarly spread-eagled, so wide that she thought her cunt would tear. When the tying off was complete, the bench was jacked upwards, tightening her body against the bench. Her feet were off the floor, placing her ass as the highest point.

"We shall start with 12 cuts of a cane on your ass. You are allowed to scream, this time. After each cut you will count, and say "please cane me again, sir. As extra punishment for not putting your slave collar on, you will receive six stripes of a whip on your anus and cunt. Again you will count and ask for more. Infringement will earn more punishment. At the end you are to say "Thank you sir, and mistress Helen, for teaching me the error of my ways." Mistress Helen and I will share the punishment. We will be taking intimate photos throughout your training, and these will be published on a number of websites, starting with my own Flickr account."
During the next 10 minutes Marianne saw the flash of a camera many times, mostly focusing on her cunt and anus, but also her face and tits. "We will take more photos after each training exercise" she was told. "The purpose of this punishment is solely to introduce you to sexual pain, and to begin your addiction to pain. Enjoy. Mistress Helen will begin."

Thus began Marianne's descent into sexual slavery. Without warning her ass erupted in a fireball, as Helen brought the cane down with as much force as she could muster. One second of speechlessness, and Marianne screamed in pain. Allowing 30 seconds for her to calm down, Helen said "we're waiting, slut". Through gritted teeth, Marianne forced "One. Please cane me again". "Certainly, slut. Be my guest" was the response, and again the cane sang and Marianne screamed. After six, Helen said "That was glorious, I nearly came with that last one". With that she stroked Marianne's ass, running her fingers along the stripes, allowing her fingers to dip into her cunt. It was! It was moist! She began fucking her with her fingers, feeling Marianne wriggling with reluctant pleasure. Her fingers reached to her clitoris, and began to flick it, being rewarded with a groan of pleasure. Back into her cunt, making juices flow, then a caress of her anus, slipping a lubricated finger inside. Then, "that's enough of that, now the master's turn." and pulled way completely.

The master smiled. He had enjoyed the display. "Now it's my go, my little slut. Let's see what effect I have." Stepping back, he swung the cane, criss crossing the existing stripes with new ones. At the intersections blood began to flow, and bruising began to swell up. Marianne was in agony. The cane stung like crazy, then ebbed away to a deeper pain, all to be repeated at the next stroke. She was past screaming, each stroke was met with a grunt, and "Eight. Please cane me again". There was a new sensation, too, a distinct stirring in her loins that she would not have expected. Helen's fingering had excited her - she had never even considered sex with women before, so this new found excitement was a complete surprise. Finally and painfully she croaked out "Ten. Thank you sir."

Helen again fondled Marianne's ass, dipping her fingers into that sweet honeypot. "Do you know" she said, "your cunt is exactly at the right height for my tongue. I've been waiting for this moment since you moved into the town. She knelt behind the captive Marianne, and began licking and sucking, her tongue greedily finding its way into a deliciously fragrant area, her fingers flicking Marianne's clit. Although her husband had wanted to do this, Marianne denied him, saying "it's not natural". Now she was being forced into it , and by a woman, she began to enjoy it. There was an especial frisson in being humiliated like this - her anus and cunt plainly accessible to anyone in the room, and being bound taut over a bench. As far as she was able, she began to wriggle with pleasure. The tonguing continued, until Helen decided Marianne was close to orgasm. She stopped. Marianne groaned with disappointment.
The master had been keen observer of the action. He could see Helen's other hand busy under her own skirt, knowing she was invariably knickerless. Now he intervened. "That's enough pleasure for her. Now we come to the real punishment. Bring her over to the table, and lay her on her back."

They released her bonds, and stood her up. She swayed, but stayed upright. Giving her a moment or two to let the blood flow back into her limbs, they led her across the room to a padded table. Here they forced her down onto her back, her head tilted back over the end. Her arms were stretched out sideways and secured. her legs were brought over her head, and similarly stretched sideways, as wide as they would go, and secured tightly. All you could see was , her ass, her anus and her cunt. This was to be the next target.

"The last beating was training. The next beating is punishment for not wearing your slave collar as instructed. Again, Helen and I will share the work between us. Six strokes of a whip directly onto your cunt and anus. We are going to enjoy this - but I suspect that you will not. You had better get used to it, however, there will be plenty of these in the future." Marianne choked with terror. She would not be able to stand it. The last few hours had been a total nightmare, and it was getting worse.
"Helen, remember we wish to use both her cunt and her anus in the near future. Go easy on the lashes. I'll start, with three strokes of the tawse on her anus, you finish with three strokes of the cat o' nine tails on her cunt."
Taking the tawse, he let the business end of the leather implement stray lightly over the taut target area, and her anus puckered in response. He did the same with her cunt, and was gratified to that moisture began to flow. He used his fingers to caress her, rolling her clitoris between his finger and thumb, enjoying the way she moved her loins towards him. Stepping back, he suddenly swung the tawse hard against her ass hole, scoring a direct hit, and making a satisfying "thwack". Again he caressed her, this time inserting a finger into her moist cunt, gently fucking her for a few minutes, as his victim got more turned on.
"Time for number two", and the tawse sang again, turning her rosebud cherry red. A few more minutes finger fucking and clitoris twirling, and it was time for number three. He was gratified to see Marianne subconsciously lift her ass to the tawse as he swung it down hard against her anus. "I know Helen is going to enjoy administering the final three lashes", he said, and I'm going to enjoy watching."

Helen smiled a little smile. "I'm really looking forward to this." She let the whip's lashes trail over Marianne's expose cunt, drawing moans and more lubrication from the victim. Without warning her arm swung, and the knotted pieces of leather flailed into her cunt. Marianne howled like a banshee - she had never felt pain like that before. Gradually the pain subsided, and her screams subsided to sobs. She felt fingers caressing her cunt, gently playing with the now swollen flesh, gently flicking her clitoris, a finger sliding into her, then two, gently fucking her, rousing her sexual excitement further. A finger caressed the crack behind her, lingering over her rear hole - more of a tickle, really. She gave a little squeal, and moved her ass towards the finger, but it moved away.
"After pleasure must come pain," Helen whispered into Marianne’s ear, and the cat clawed its talons into Marianne's now moist and tender cunt, raising another desperate scream from the hapless victim. As the excruciating pain began to subside, she felt Helen's breath on her cunt, and a tongue licking at both her cunt and her anus. More squeals from Marianne, and more lubrication flowed out of her. Helen took Marianne's engorged clitoris between her teeth, nibbling and pulling, as Marianne's loins began to buck wildly, after more of this more pleasurable treatment.
"Not so fast, young lady", admonished Helen "we haven't finished your punishment yet. Get yourself ready for the last one. This one is going to HURT!" Ignoring the master's admonition to be gentle, she dropped the cat o'nine tails and grabbed up a thin and whippy dog whip, measured her strike, and whipped it down hard onto her engorged cunt, the end flicking down onto Marianne's clitoris. For half a second there was stunned silence. Then the silence was shattered by a loud scream, and Marianne bucked violently in her bonds.

She was allowed a few minutes for the agony to subside, before Helen recommenced her caresses, with her fingers, her lips and her tongue. "So fragrant! So delicious!" murmured Helen. "No more pain today, only gain. In a few months you will be unable to achieve sexual release without the pain." Helen's tongue found its way inside her cunt, licked at her rear entrance, teeth nibbled at her clitoris, her cunt lips. "This hair has got to go, and soon!" she exclaimed. It's getting in my teeth. Meanwhile, the master was fondling her breasts. "A standard British handful," he muttered, "but more than a handful's a waste. Her nipples are a disappointment, nothing much there at all, but we can work on those over the next few months."
Marianne's sexual excitement had cooled considerably during that final whipping, but Helen's renewed attack with her tongue soon brought her to the boil again, straining against her bonds. Suddenly and without warning she boiled over, screaming her orgasm to the world.
"That's my girl", said the master. "That will do for today. Helen, show our new slut back to her room."

Back in her room, with the door locked behind her, Marianne found a tray of delicious smelling food, and an open bottle of wine. Her mind was in a whirl – where was she? what was her future? Would she see her husband again? Why had she allowed her body to betray her, reaching orgasm in so humiliating a fashion? But she realised she was famished, so ate the meal and drank more of the wine than she should have. Then a long hot shower, and to bed. What was the morrow going to bring?
The lock in the door turned and the door opened. The Master entered. “You have started well. Now let’s see how well you can fuck your new master…”
It was going to be a long night

To be continued…..

Clevernick
11-10-2008, 03:48 PM
Hi RB -- Some comments for you! I'll be rough on you but I think you'll appreciate it. Hope so, anyway...




Part 1 – Abduction

Marianne set the alarm, shut the front door, and locked it shut - she was always meticulous when it came to security. She walked down the short path forth house to the road, setting out for her daily constitutional walk.

[She took pride in keeping her figure trim, and walked at least 3 miles each day. She may have been 35, but she had the lithe body of a 25 year old. She weighed only 7 1/2 stone, and fitted comfortably into a UK size 10. Altogether, a fine specimen of womanhood. She was currently on her own because her Royal Navy husband was away at sea in the Far East, and the ship was not returning home to Devonport for another 9 months. Then there would be a 2 hour train ride to their home. This was the lot of a Navy wife, and she was used to it.] This is a long, boring information dump. I'd remove it and sprinkle the information throughout the story to follow, preferably extracted by others or brought from her head at appropriate moments.


Setting off towards the common, she began to get into her stride. Nearing the first corner, she noticed with irritation that a white van was parked on the pavement, the bit where it was extra wide. This was common occurrence, because there were a number of new houses being erected nearby, and its was convenient for the builders, but it still annoyed her.
As she squeezed past the van, which had its side door wide open, 2 large hands grasped her firmly, one round her mouth cutting off the beginnings of a scream, and the other around her waist, quickly dragging her slight seven and a half stone form into the van. [See, it's possible to include info like her weight at appropriate times, so no need to dump it all in the beginning! Certainly not twice...]

It all happened so quickly, it was unlikely the event had been observed. It was all over in seconds, and the door slammed shut with a terrified Marianne inside. The engine started, and the van moved away. Nobody noticed.
[Good time for a new paragraph]

In the van, Marianne was giving way to panic, struggling and kicking[, but] to no avail. Strong arms held her tight, a hand still over her mouth. She had not seen her assailant, nor the driver of the van. She had no idea what was happening to her, but she didn't like it.

The hand over her mouth was removed, but as she drew breath to scream, duct tape was slapped over her mouth. The assailant now had an extra hand free. Firmly holding her hands behind her, he laid her roughly face down onto a rug on the floor of the van, and quickly sat one back.
[Sat what? Say what?]

More tape was bound round her wrists and ankles, then she was completely at his mercy. Satisfied with his handiwork, the assailant stepped back to admire his defenceless captive.
[Head-hopping! We're in her head, so we don't know that he's satisfied with his handiwork! Maybe "apparently satisfied".]

She could see him now, dark hairy and swarthy, [swarthy == dark therefore redundant] but she had no spark of recognition. [Wordy and cliche'd way to say she didn't recognize him. One word, "stranger", well placed, would do it.]

What was going on? The van bounced along the road, and she slid from side to side on the bends. She attempted to calculate where they went from the lefts, rights and stops and starts, but soon had no idea where they were. [Good.] "Not long now", said a gruff voice, "then the fun will begin. Meanwhile, let's see what we've got." She felt him pushing a hand into her blouse, and under her bra, horny hands grasping her tit, finger and thumb feeling for her nipple. "Hmm. Nice tits but nothing much in the way of nipple. That's something for us to sort out."

[She has no feelings at this invasion? Why not? We were in her head but now we're not.]

He removed his hand, and she was surprised he rearranged her bra and blouse. Then she felt his hand under her skirt, roughly pulling aside her knickers. 2 fingers were jabbed into her cunt, which was still dry. She squirmed with pain.
[We've definitely left her head now, but it's a bad time to do so. Rewrite and get back into it please.]

"That's nothing. Wait till we really get going" he said. "Hair! We don't do hair. That will go very soon." She hadn't shaved her pussy for years. She had tried it once, shortly after she married. It was a great turn on being shaved by her new husband, and sex afterwards [had been] brilliant, but she couldn't stand the itching, and [had] refused ever to do it again, no matter how much her husband asked.

[Again we've lost track of how she's feeling right now, and gotten lost in the excessive flashback info dump.]

She lost all track of time - it seemed like a lifetime - but eventually she heard the gearbox drop down through the gears, and they turned into a drive. She heard the tyres crunching over gravel. Then they stopped. Now what? [Now we're back in her head, but only for boring stuff. What does she think of her abduction and mauling? Of the attacker? Is she planning something? Has she given up? ]

The sliding door opened, and her assailant picked her up and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and stepped out into the sunlight, her face bouncing into the small of his back. [Does she like this? We've lost her reactions when they matter most.]

They weren't in the sun long, though. He stepped through a door, and entered a grand hall, and the door clunked shut behind them. He shrugged her off his shoulder onto a soft sofa. Where was she? [S]he looked around as much as her bindings would allow. It was a grand room, expensively and tastefully furnished, but why was she here? [N]either were they alone. ["Neither" is out of place here, since there's no other negatives nearby. Better to just skip it.]

A well dressed middle aged man was observing her with mild amusement. "Marianne! How nice to see you. I have been looking forward to our meeting. we are going to some fun times together - well I am, anyway. Joe, take her to her quarters."

Her assailant, [[apparently Joe] (remember whose head we're in!)], picked her up easily in [his] arms, carried her through a door at the end of the room, along a wide hall and into a reasonably sized bedroom, where he dumped her [active voice please] unceremoniously onto a double bed. With one movement, he ripped the tape from her face, bringing an agonised scream. [We've left her head again. Every time something bad happens to her, we want to know what she's thinking about it, from the inside! Outside reactions are better from other people. For example, who the hell was that middle-aged man from her point of view?] Without waiting for that pain to subside, he removed the tape from her wrists and ankles. "There is a shower through that door, and clothes your size in the wardrobe. Leave your clothes here - you won't be needing them. I shall return in 30 minutes, when I expect you to be showered and dressed in the clothes provided. The window is alarmed, and we are miles from anyone else, and the door will be locked. There is no point screaming for help." He turned and left, as she began to sob.

Ten minute passed, and still Marianne sobbed. [Apparently without a single thought in her head.] A key turned in the lock, and Marianne started in alarm. A young girl of about eighteen entered the room, bearing a tray on which was a steaming teapot, jug of milk, and cup and saucer. "Madame, I have been instructed to bring you some refreshment. You have only 20 minutes left to shower and put on the clothes supplied for you. I must warn you that if you are late the repercussions will be serious, and if I were you I would stop crying and get into the shower PDQ." [I thought at first this was a note! Best to mention that the young lady spoke.]

With that, she put the tray down on a low table, and left. The key turned in the lock.
Pulling herself together, Marianne quickly stripped down to bra and knickers, and went to investigate the shower. [N]eatly tiled in white, it seemed a conventional ensuite unit. Realising she was bursting for a wee, she quickly got that over with, and stepped into the shower. Everything was there: clean white bath towel, soap, shampoo - the lot. Turning on the tap, she luxuriated under the stream of hot water - at least she wasn't paying the gas bill, she thought.
[Oh great. Now that she's forgotten about her captivity and humiliation, and is idly thinking about her need to wee and wondering about the gas bill, we're back in her head! :) Isn't she wondering more about who the middle-aged jerk is, or how she'll get out of this fix? Or maybe she likes it here? Let her tell us.]

[At this point I got bored and quit reading. You could rewrite the above and keep my interest better....]

Rum Bos'n
11-13-2008, 04:33 AM
Clevernick, thanks for the comments. I've got some rewriting to do, then!