A Few Questions from a Novice

[ShadowedJade]

Greetings, Everyone!

I'm rather new at all of this, and wish to explore my submissive side but I have a few questions... especially reguarding online training and long distance relationships. I would really appreciate everyone's point of views and advice! Please, deviate from the questions and just tell me whatever you feel will be useful!


How effective is it to really train online?

How can you tell who will be a good Dom/Master?

Is it rude or bad to refuse an order you do not think you're ready for or do not trust the 'Dom/Master' enough for? Or even for just something you think you should wait awhile before doing it? (such as sending nude pictures over the internet)

Do you have any advice for a new Submissive, trying to find herself?

I'm sure I'll have more question, when they decide to return to my mind! Thanks to all those that respond!


All the best to everyone,
Jade

[Little Man]

Hello Jade,

I'm Little Man and I am a male submissive in the UK in an online relationship with my Dominant in the US.

May I re-order you questions please? Firstly I think that before jumping into a D/s relationship both of you need to talk at length about each other, who you are, what you do, where you live. There has to be complete trust and you won't have that if there is something niggling away at the back of your mind all the time saying "I'm not sure". I corresponded with the lady that is now my Dominant for months before eventually asking Her to accept my request for submission. Only when I felt that she genuinely cared for and trusted me did I feel that it was safe to continue. This holds good for doing things like sending photographs. Are you sending the photos at your instigation or His? Your relationship is not about him doing you a favour. It's all about learning to be a submissive and letting yourself grow in that. If you have that niggling sensation then I would suggest that you don't know each other well enough yet. As I said, it can take months of talking before you even reach the stage where you will freely give yourself.

Secondly, online training. Frankly it can be frustrating and you will be carrying out most of your tasks alone. It is easy to cheat and all that I can say is that if you are genuine, then the temptation shouldn't be there. Some will tell you that online is just fantasy play. It is just as intense but is much more the mindfuck that you may have heard about than. Like anything else in life, if you want it to work and you give 100%, then you should achieve success. When I am out and about, if I do something that I feel that my Dominant should know about, I tell her and wait for her reply. You have to place you Master in the forefront of your mind. We must not let them down.

Finally, if he is doing his job properly you should feel cared for and respected. Submission is not all about sitting at your computer waiting for the orders to come. You should have a perfectly normal relationship, chat and laugh. Cry too at times. He is the lead and you must obey as he knows why he is testing you and you don't need to know what that is unless he tells you. However, you need a rapport too. Read up on the subject, keep your journal if you have one, and have FUN.

Hope that helps a little. Take care.

little man

[lucy]

Hello and welcome Jade
i'm giving it a try, even when i'm not the most experienced here :)
How effective is it to really train online?
Dunno since i've never done it.

How can you tell who will be a good Dom/Master?
Uh oh... i guess only time will tell you if you've found the right one.

Is it rude or bad to refuse an order you do not think you're ready for or do not trust the 'Dom/Master' enough for? Or even for just something you think you should wait awhile before doing it? (such as sending nude pictures over the internet)
No, at first thought i would say it's safe and sane not to do anything you don't feel comfortable with or are not yet ready to do. So, listening to your feelings and act according to them is paramount.
Then, if it is a "good" Dominant, it should certainly be possible to discuss that with him. In fact, if you can't discuss your uncertainties and problems with an order you probably better kick his ass from your life.
About sending pics: Well, i know that this question usually comes right after the "bra size question". Personally i have just two pics that i will send out, and both are as vanilla as can be. But then again, my Master gets to see me naked whenever he wants, so that's no issue.
I would say, if you don't want to send nude pics, that's entirely your decision. If someone pressed me to send nude pics, it would probably set off my alarm bells.

Do you have any advice for a new Submissive, trying to find herself?
Ask questions, go to the chat, read posts and stories and find out what you might like or dislike.
I think the best advice i can give you is to take it slow. No, you're still thinking of going too fast. Slower yet ;)

And of course you can always pm or email me if you think i could help with anything.

Enjoy your journey.

[cadela]

Hi Jade.

Is there a local BDSM community anywhere near you? Whilst online relationships and research are sometimes the only option due to location, commitments, etc. it would be really useful for you to develop friendships with perverted folk close by. An experienced mentor (either sex or leaning) can be invaluable in wading through the sea of bullshit than newbies encounter.

On a practical note, no, you are bad or rude to hesitate in doing ANYTHING you're not 100% comfortable with. If someone pesters you for a nude photo send 'em one of your naked big toe and block them!!

And keep talking, learning and listening.

X

[littlecub]

welcome Jade :)


You Submission is not all about sitting at your computer waiting for the orders to come. should have a perfectly normal relationship, chat and laugh. Cry too at times.

thanks Little Man.. i have had several o/l Dommes in the last year some good and others not so much.. but one other thing is they were all different from one another as far as how they looked at it and there need in a sub.. a few were fakes, one was not stable, so getting to know each other is very important! as it having "fun" but it can also be very emotionally draining to pour your heart out day after day over the internet, feeling develop that do not always end up the way you dream them.also it has turned out to just as intense as r/l for me and least on an emotional level, you type things and thoughts and feeling to each other every time that you would not necessarily share with a person sitting right beside you. you can build up an image of them in your mind that doesn't always transfer over to real life if you ever do meet this Dom/me that you have spent so much time and emotion on, so friendship first, then if it don't work then at least your still friends.

Keep in mind that the first person you meet for an o/l or even the 4th person wont necessarily be for You, "Have Fun" would be my biggest advice if its not fun don't waist your time.. also make some other friends here on the forum has helped me too and in chat.
sorry i i bounced around a bit but i have been struggling with the same questions as you for a while now.
good luck, have fun, and protect yourself from the fakes :)

[usbabe]

Hi Jade,
I can only tell you from my current online experience. Being online can become very powerful and yes, very hard because as the relationship progresses you really desire to be face to face with your Master and you can't.
How to tell if they are real or really for you? My Master spent several months just getting to know me and letting me get to know Him. He always encourages my growth and learning, He is always open to questions. It took several months before we even discussed Him wanting to own me and whether or not i was ready for that step.

About the training: At first i wasn't completely honest to Him or myself. Sometimes i would feel like i didn't want to do a task so i told him i did it when i didn't. After a while i started to feel guilty and admitted my wrong doings......he was very patient and understood but also asked if i really wanted to be here and if i did that needed to change. Now i do everything he asks and yes i send pics. That also took a long time and he was also patient with that. We chat via webcam and he always prefers me nude when we do so. It has been almost a year and nude is comfortable now. Some day we talk about meeting and i hope that come true but if it has to be this way for now.......so be it.

I guess what i'm saying is you will know.........and if He/She is patient and promotes your growth.........and listens........that will probably be the one for you. I hope this helps.

[sinderella]

How effective is it to really train online?

your computer can be a valuable path to information, images, and of course, communication with your Dom, even if he is far away fom you. my first experience was with a Dom who lived near me and worked with me, and we were well into our relationship before he revealed his true self to me, so we had already established a good degree of closeness and trust, which are extremely important if you want to 'push the envelope' and follow him as far as he wants to go. i can't comment on 'long-distance Doms', since i have never had one, but i know others here do, so i will leave that issue to them.


How can you tell who will be a good Dom/Master?

i think communication is very important.

also, a good Dom will never mistreat you or treat you like dirt...those are men who have no idea what true BDSM is, and think that it means treating a woman shabbily, which is so far off the mark. a good Dom can read you like a book, and he will take the time to learn who you are deep down, because that is who will be screaming his name when he takes her to those places where other men do not walk. i look for someone who is considerate and kind and who cares about my feelings, but who also knows what it means to be in control of a woman, and he will subtly begin taking that control brick by brick, until you have no place to hide but in his arms, and when you have gotten to that place you will understand what it feels like to be in Paradise.


Is it rude or bad to refuse an order you do not think you're ready for or do not trust the 'Dom/Master' enough for? Or even for just something you think you should wait awhile before doing it? (such as sending nude pictures over the internet)

no. if you are already close, you can say you need to go slower, and if he tries to coax you, you can try it. (i am speaking only for myself here). when you do, you will be surprised at how liberating that is...i know, you would think being restrained and gagged could not be liberating, but i believe they call that 'irony'. of course, if your Dom ignores your hesitation and does something against your wishes that he knows you do not want, then he is not a very good Dom but just a bully. :) your Dom is not a drill sargeant...he is your best friend, your guide, your mentor and your lover. there's so much more to it than can be addressed in a single comment to your post, but i think your assembling all of these thoughts people post here and studying them will help you a little.


Do you have any advice for a new Submissive, trying to find herself?

all i can add is read, learn about the 'lifestyle'...(i hate that word)...pay attention to what he says...find out what is important to you, listen to yourself and educate yourself with the power of Google, and of course, join forums like this.

and listen to your inner submissive - she led you here, after all.

good luck.

xox

[ShadowedJade]

Wow, I want to thank you all! You have definitely given me some great advice and many things to mull over. I genuinely appreciate all of your well thought out answers and comments, they've helped tremendously, already. I really wish we had a local BDSM community where I live, so I could talk to people and learn in real life. Of course, it's possible we do, and I just can't find it. Thank you all once again. I love how real everyone here is.

[sinderella]

:) and xox

[Nerdy]

What is most important is how you feel towards the one you serve, it does not matter too much if it's Online/Offline; chuckles softly, you have to make the best of it for you and your owner. In general my impression is that Online vs Offline (not when the WoW server is down :P), is that it's completely another cup of tea.

apologizes in advance for the joke, laughs.
/Nerdy

[TwstdKittie]

I'd say to find yourself, definitely use the resources that are available. Like others have said, use the resources, use the internet. Figure out what really makes you excited or happy and once you know what you really like doing, establish the things that you absolutely won't do and the things that you'll maybe compromise on, depending on the other person. The best way to be a good sub, in my opinion, is to really know yourself and know what kind of person you want to submit to. Cuz obviously, it won't work for just anyone.

[dapperling]

Hi Little man,Thanks for this great advice! Jade i completely sympathies with your questions and worries, its good to know that trusting your instincts really is the good way to go ;)


Hello Jade,

I'm Little Man and I am a male submissive in the UK in an online relationship with my Dominant in the US.

May I re-order you questions please? Firstly I think that before jumping into a D/s relationship both of you need to talk at length about each other, who you are, what you do, where you live. There has to be complete trust and you won't have that if there is something niggling away at the back of your mind all the time saying "I'm not sure". I corresponded with the lady that is now my Dominant for months before eventually asking Her to accept my request for submission. Only when I felt that she genuinely cared for and trusted me did I feel that it was safe to continue. This holds good for doing things like sending photographs. Are you sending the photos at your instigation or His? Your relationship is not about him doing you a favour. It's all about learning to be a submissive and letting yourself grow in that. If you have that niggling sensation then I would suggest that you don't know each other well enough yet. As I said, it can take months of talking before you even reach the stage where you will freely give yourself.

Secondly, online training. Frankly it can be frustrating and you will be carrying out most of your tasks alone. It is easy to cheat and all that I can say is that if you are genuine, then the temptation shouldn't be there. Some will tell you that online is just fantasy play. It is just as intense but is much more the mindfuck that you may have heard about than. Like anything else in life, if you want it to work and you give 100%, then you should achieve success. When I am out and about, if I do something that I feel that my Dominant should know about, I tell her and wait for her reply. You have to place you Master in the forefront of your mind. We must not let them down.

Finally, if he is doing his job properly you should feel cared for and respected. Submission is not all about sitting at your computer waiting for the orders to come. You should have a perfectly normal relationship, chat and laugh. Cry too at times. He is the lead and you must obey as he knows why he is testing you and you don't need to know what that is unless he tells you. However, you need a rapport too. Read up on the subject, keep your journal if you have one, and have FUN.

Hope that helps a little. Take care.

little man

[denuseri]

How effective is it to really train online?

It depends exactly on the relationship dynamic between the dom/me and sub in question. Personally I have found it to be a two way street. The limitations involved are only dependent on the individuals perspective to overcome them. Though I must admit the overbearing "presence" that a real live dominant can display is for the most part absent, I have seen some dominants exert a close equivalent on line.

How can you tell who will be a good Dom/Master?

Mostly for me its based on exactly how they interact with me, intuition plays as much a part as objective observations conserning things like how patient a dominant is, or how understanding and knowlegable they are during our interactions.

Is it rude or bad to refuse an order you do not think you're ready for or do not trust the 'Dom/Master' enough for? Or even for just something you think you should wait awhile before doing it? (such as sending nude pictures over the internet)

Absolutely not, in fact it is they who are being "rude" in the first place for asking for such.

Do you have any advice for a new Submissive, trying to find herself?

Map quest is not the answer so much as finding your own center. In fact a really good friend of mine from online that has mentored me in some aspects conserning the finding of my own submission has and excellent passage from some books that she and I are fond of that sums it up far better than I ever could:

"Do you know, ultimately," I asked, "who will prove to be your one best trainer?" "No, Master," she said. "You, yourself," I said, "the girl, herself, eager to please, imaginative and intelligent, monitoring her own performances and feelings, striving lovingly to improve and refine them. You yourself will be largely responsible for making yourself the superb slave you will become."
Page 210 - Savages of Gor

[ShadowedJade]

Thank you all, I really appreciate the attention you've given to my questions. I especially love the last by denuseri. That excerpt spoke to me. Thank you.

[Sanapet]

Everyone has given really good advice, in this thread. And I understand about not having a r/l BDSM community to go to, I used to live in a small community that was vanilla in the extreme. I did all my research online and discussed everything I found interesting with my Master, we had an online relationship for almost two years before we were able to meet in person, though both of us were very eager for the meeting. He trained me online before that and, I too was guilty of 'cheating' sometimes, if a task was incredibly hard or humiliating or if I wasn't able to complete a task because of my circumstances. But I would always eventually come clean and confess. If it was unreasonable for me to have not done the task then I would receive punishment, but if it was understandable then my Master and I talked long and hard about why I couldn't do it. He would ask hard questions and demand that I answer, it really helped me learn about myself and him as well.

My Master is, as another post mentioned, my best friend, my mentor, the shoulder I cry on, my lover, and my protector. What makes him, in my opinion a good master is the fact that he listens to me. I can talk to him about anything and he'll be interested in what I'm saying. But we don't just have sex all the time, we talk, he tells me how his day went, I tell him how much I hate my classes. And if you're honestly not ready to follow an order, just talk to your Master, if he's good then he'll understand and talk to you about it, maybe even help you talk your way through it. Some orders you have to grow into, and some orders are special. You can't do them unless he's there talking to you you, helping you, maybe even touching you if your in a r/l relationship.

My best advice for you is to talk to as many people as you can about everything. When I first discovered BDSM I had no friends who were involved with it or even knew what it was, I was skittish about joining forums unless I knew someone who had been in them already. As you might guess this made it awkward for my to get first hand accounts of things. But I googled everything and if I was curious about a particular something I asked my Master and we discussed if we would both be open to trying it (FYI: I was his first slave so we were learning together which is, in my opinion the best way to go about it).

All in all, jut have fun and trust your instinct. Don't settle with the first Master that approaches you unless you feel comfortable with him. I was talking to my Master for a few weeks before we became Master and slave and during that time I learned a lot about trusting myself. If it didn't feel right it usually wasn't.

I hope this helps and if you need you can always PM me.

Sana