raped for being sub?

[myri_SN]

i didn't post this to be lectured by certain people. lecturing won't change it. :( i only posted it as the subject came up on another forum and i thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples stories. or could this only happen to me?

i made the mistake last year and ask in my usual chatroom if someon would go to cinema with me as i didn't want to go alone. one guy who was a regular said he would meet me at the cinema and so we went to see the film. all public and stuff and the peopel in the room knew and most of them are real to. he seemed genuin so i thought why not as i would not go anywhere alone with him and i never ever wanted or even had the slightest intention to play with him ever.
still i seem to trust people far too easily so the next day he said he would be in town again in a day for a business meeting and would pop in 5 minutes for a cup of coffee. i didnt see too much problems there as i wasnt living alone, i had a bedsit in a student house so always other people there to and i played frequently in that room and think it safer than an hotel where noone knows you. anyways he turned up even though i told him that i would never ever play with him. he was in a weird mood the second he got there and did with me what he wanted. after people said he raped me, even thought it was only his fist. he damaged me. then some poeple said noone could play with me if i don't want but he did. a dom i was seeing later said that i pobably switched into sub-mode right away when he got there and hence could get his way. i tried to stop him as he really hurt me but that seemed useless so i just tried to forget it as i can't turn back time and i didn't fancy telling the police what i do i my personal life.
now a few weeks ago i heard that he does that to a lot of subs and right now tries to lure one from the states to live with him. she is aparently selling her farm....

[Dslave]

Unfortunately, no matter how much you want to save other people from bad experiences the most you can do is share and I think that sharing this is the good thing that came out of it. Maybe, someone considering doing the same thing that you did will reconsider after reading this and be more cautious. It is horrible that people abuse situations and people for their own personal gain and I am sorry it happened to you but hopefully you have learned enough from it to teach someone else not to make the same mistake and I think that you need to take that with you and leave the rest behind. Just remember, no matter how much you try to warn people, people are going to do what they want to do, regardless. Hopefully, people will think twice about meeting a person without having a really good safe plan for that meeting after hearing what you went through. If they don't, at least you did what you could and attempted to make your bad into good.

[woodsman'sgame]

then some poeple said noone could play with me if i don't want but he did


Don't listen to those who said you wanted that to happen, Myri. If you didn't, you didn't. The fact that you didn't fight doesn't mean a thing. Just because we are submissive and don't fight doesn't mean we want bad things to happen to us. You should not feel like you did anything wrong. You trusted someone and he took advantage of that trust. He was an ass.

Thanks for the warning. I hope that others will take heed.

[Dngnkeeper]

Woodsman'sgame you are so right. NO means just that NO!!!!!

Myri as a male rape victim I have an understanding of your thoughts and feelings. Let me reiterate just because you are submissive you are NOT available to anyone and everyone regardless of YOUR desires. This guy is a predator and you have done a very courageous thing in telling others about him.

Getting up on soap box....

Its fortunate that you followed the basic safety rules when meeting this guy as I shutter to think of what might have happened under different cerstances. After the many years of enjoying BDSM I have seen first hand what can happen when predators have abused people and the consequences it has on the rest of their lives.

As a sponsor of a local BDSM munch I find this story all too familiar. Several times a year I hear from other women and occasionally men about chillingly familiar stories of trust broken in a similar manner. All to often the victim is to scared, embraced or too far in the closet to come forward and warn others of the dangers of the predators they have encountered. And oddly enough like the woman you mention, even after warnings from others, they will still seek out these predators for a relationship, only to fall victim themselves.

Myri there is no shame in saying no to unwanted sexual advances and you should have no guilt because of the actions of a predator. After all how can he expect trust when he has no respect for you as a person. Thank you for letting others know about him.

[allalone46]

There is no reason for anyone to do to any one what was don't to you. Your being a sub is not a reason. a dom i was seeing later said that i pobably switched into sub-mode right away when he got there and hence could get his way. Ido hope woodsman didn't say this. Adn that one wouls ay this shows he isn't a real Dom just one playing at it.
now a few weeks ago i heard that he does that to a lot of subs and right now tries to lure one from the states to live with him. she is aparently selling her farm....[/FONT][/COLOR][/QUOTE] I hope she has a friend that can stop and help her. This person (cant realy call that freak a man) needs to be stopped.

[Barton]

Safe, Sane, Consensual!!
Now and always.

[Driveslikeagirl]

I hope you're healing emotionally and physically. I'm so sorry this happened to you. NEVER listen to anyone with a "blame the victim" attitude. They are all small-minded, ignorant, and pathetic people.

Take care of yourself, and know that there are others out there who understand what you've been through, and are thinking of you.

[myri_SN]

There is no reason for anyone to do to any one what was don't to you. Your being a sub is not a reason. a dom i was seeing later said that i pobably switched into sub-mode right away when he got there and hence could get his way. Ido hope woodsman didn't say this. Adn that one wouls ay this shows he isn't a real Dom just one playing at it.
now a few weeks ago i heard that he does that to a lot of subs and right now tries to lure one from the states to live with him. she is aparently selling her farm....[/FONT][/COLOR] I hope she has a friend that can stop and help her. This person (cant realy call that freak a man) needs to be stopped.[/QUOTE]
think you got quotes and replies mixed together in your post...

[myri_SN]

I hope you're healing emotionally and physically. I'm so sorry this happened to you. NEVER listen to anyone with a "blame the victim" attitude. They are all small-minded, ignorant, and pathetic people.

Take care of yourself, and know that there are others out there who understand what you've been through, and are thinking of you.
well some told me that i would probably have provoked it or wanted to play when meeting him even i said no before meeting :confused: :(

[Driveslikeagirl]

Well, I know this has been said elsewhere plenty of times, but I'll repeat it here:

We as a society LOVE to "blame the victim" of any crime or unfortunate circumstance. By rationalizing to ourselves that bad things happen to people because they either asked for it, or somehow deserved it, gives us the illusion of control. After all (the false reasoning goes), if the victim somehow asked for it or deserved it, then all WE have to do to protect ourselves from something awful happening to US, is to simply not "ask for it".

It is much more psychologically comforting for people to blame the victim, than to admit that they are just as vulnerable to becoming a victim themselves.

But how pathetic is it to find a person like your acquaintance, who would rather further victimize a crime victim with such hurtful words and accusatory behavior, than admit that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves. Well, lucky them. Inevitably, it will happen to them as well (such is life), and that should put a cork in their ignorant piehole.

Until then, ignore such people, or at least see them for the unfortunate and misguided souls that they are; they have such limited life experience that they can't even muster up an ounce of compassion for a sexual assault victim.

[Pandora's Box]

Myri, you didn't "ask for it". "Asking for it" doesn't include trying to stop him. Just because you were unsuccessful stopping him doesn't mean you were "asking for it" nor that you wanted it. It is not too uncommon for a person who is being violated to cease struggling if it is doing no good. Many times the thought process is along the lines of "if I struggle, they'll hurt me more or I'll get hurt more".

For years in fact, common instructions for women in the event of being raped was to cease struggling so as to decrease the chance of being killed. Now, of course, that teaching has shifted. Especially with the advent and proliferation of AIDS.

But all of that is besides the point. What it comes down to is that you didn't ask for it, you didn't want it. And if anyone says you did... well, simply put, they're wrong and deserve to be publicly ridiculed in the stocks while people throw rotten tomatoes at them. :D

[slavelucy]

We as a society LOVE to "blame the victim" of any crime or unfortunate circumstance. By rationalizing to ourselves that bad things happen to people because they either asked for it, or somehow deserved it, gives us the illusion of control. After all (the false reasoning goes), if the victim somehow asked for it or deserved it, then all WE have to do to protect ourselves from something awful happening to US, is to simply not "ask for it".

It is much more psychologically comforting for people to blame the victim, than to admit that they are just as vulnerable to becoming a victim themselves.

This is such an interesting and thought provoking post, and one to which i have given some thought since you posted it. Whilst i think you have a point about society loving blaming victims in order to lull themselves into some false sense of security (although i had never thought of it as clearly as that)..i believe it does so in an acknowledged less than perfect world. This is to say that i would like to think that no human being would ever blame someone who had suffered an assault…but what they rather mean or are referring to is a duty of care/responsibility to our own selves in an infinitely nasty world. It’s like these fools who say that if women dress provocatively and flirt with people, that they were ‘asking’ to be raped..this is clearly complete and utter nonsense, no one asks to be raped, if they did, then they’re not raped (and if they didn’t consent to it, then they were raped)…i rather think what they mean though is that they were a ‘target’. Don’t get me wrong, it is nothing short of a disgrace that people who have no respect for others and who don’t feel a flicker of guilt about violating their human rights, essentially dictate how we behave, but sadly, they do. Equally, it is nonsensical and cruel to suggest myri in ANY way ‘asked’ to be assaulted upon asking for someone, in a BDSM chat room, to go to the cinema with her and then, in all innocence, telling him where she lived; but i really do tend to think they are referring, albeit in a clumsy, highly inappropriate way, to a horrible duty of care with which we have been lumbered.


But how pathetic is it to find a person like your acquaintance, who would rather further victimize a crime victim with such hurtful words and accusatory behavior, than admit that sometimes bad things happen to good people. I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves.

Unfortunately, i have suffered (I hate the word ‘victim’) such an ‘unfortunate event’, so i don’t speak with absolutely no understanding of the subject. i believe i could have avoided the situation. i do not mean this in some strange ‘i blame myself’ manner, and it annoys the shit out of me that i should even have to modify anything about myself, for fear that someone ‘gets the wrong idea’, he would still likely have done it at some point..just not to me, and not at that time…and basically, that’s the best we can hope for.

i do not want this post to be taken in any way to mean i personally hold myri responsible; hell, i DON’T, she (you!) are not to blame, no one who suffers such an attack is. i am merely trying to draw a distinction between people being cruel enough to ‘blame’ someone in an effort to have a cosy view of the world..and people essentially facing the gritty reality.

Oh, also, anyone who even so much as implies that not fighting back means you ‘asked’ for it..is talking complete crap, plain and simple, be you a submissive or not, it’s nonsense.

Love and hugs to you myri.

sl

[myri_SN]

huggles back, slavelucy :o

[Mobius]

First of all Rape is wrong. Period, There is no discusion. However in this forum and I asume in others there has been discusions about rape as a fantasy. I beleive there was a thread "my demon rape" I think that was the title. Of course the author was not indorsing rape. I dont like these and did not for the most part participate in those discusions. I think it sends a mixxed msg.
For a Weak and Twisted mind it can be confusing. That is not an exscuse for his actions.

I think you should still go to the police for at least battery if not Rape. I think you should press charges. I know in the states there are laws to protect the victim. it does not always work. but they are there.

[myri_SN]

Mobius wrote: I think you should still go to the police for at least battery if not Rape. I think you should press charges. I know in the states there are laws to protect the victim. it does not always work. but they are there.
1. it was 14 months ago
2. i live in the uk
3. i cam here as student, just finished studies, back then was still a student, btu now staying here for good

[Driveslikeagirl]

I agree with everything you said, Slavelucy. :) There are some situations that are less safe than others. For example, there is a statistic out there somewhere (which I'm too lazy to look up before my first cup of coffee) that says that a female's risk of being sexually assaulted increases exponentially after she has an alcoholic beverage. And I'm sure I could dig up a statistic about how a female's risk of sex assault is much higher after dark. But I'm not going to stay inside after dark for the rest of my life. And I'm damn sure not going to stop drinking! ;) It's just that, with age and wisdom, I've learned not to go to fraternity houses to get uproariously drunk like I did in my first years of college.

Besides the above frat example (which was just being stupidly naiive on my part, a glaringly obvious example of a bad judgment call), there are many shades of gray when it comes to what was an unavoidable circumstance, and what (in hindsight) a crime victim may say, "Well, I should have avoided that kind of situation," even though they entered a situation in "good faith".

A fine line between avoiding certain situations that may be unsafe, yet still living your life, meeting new people, and trusting new friends. And the bottom line is, no matter how careful you are, unless you lock yourself in the house, bad things can still happen to anyone.

I also agree with hating the word "victim". I believe Gary Zukav said once that to allow yourself to be thought of as a victim is to allow all of your power to be taken away from you. And "survivor" adds an undercurrent of heroism that, at least for me, I feel is wholly undeserved on my part. I lived through a smattering of "unfortunate circumstances" like we all have to do eventually. For example, I don't consider myself a domestic violence victim OR survivor. It's just something that happened that ended up making me a better person (more understanding to others in similar circumstances, blah blah). Just my own preferences on the use of "victim" and "survivor"; I'm not saying that someone who disagrees is wrong at all. But in my post, I used "victim" just to get my thoughts across without having to over explain myself.

ANYWAY, enough of my tangent. I think M is very brave to share her story as a warning to others. I know that more than a few others will agree with my opinion that it was so scummy of her acquaintance to react to that difficult and personal recount by being so accusatory about it.

[GaryWilcox]

And "survivor" adds an undercurrent of heroism that, at least for me, I feel is wholly undeserved on my part. I lived through a smattering of "unfortunate circumstances" like we all have to do eventually. For example, I don't consider myself a domestic violence victim OR survivor. It's just something that happened that ended up making me a better person (more understanding to others in similar circumstances, blah blah). I for one have no problem hearing someone call themselves a survivor. If that goes anywhere to building esteem, hallelujah. The reasoning is good here, except that it is heroic to survive something and not to let the scar tissue define you.

You survived your experiences and have not only a healthy self-image, but an incredibly reasonable and sane outlook on it, too.

[allalone46]

thouse that victomise (rape) women almost always use the excuse that thay askked for it. I have hured it. in a prevouse job. It didlt hold water than and still doesn't. And the most insalting thing of it all is than when a person that has been rapped does come forword and reports it thay are taken though a different form of rape by the diffence attorny in cort.In Colarado there was or is a rape trail going on right know, and you can see what can and has happend. Thay put the victom on trial. The laws there are made so as to not do that but some times it doesn't work out that way. There is no set way. It happens. I know that is a lame excuse and I don't like excusess but unfortionatly I can't give you a reason. What happened to you shood never happen to anyone, but it did, and it does. You did move on and yes that is a excuse also, but it is real. And some times reallity stinks. I wish I could say it will get better but I am not going to lie to you. All I can say is that is a pain you will get use to, but never go away. If anyone of your friend herecould tak it away I believe anyone of use would. But we can't. And that stinks to.

[Mobius]

While I will always stand by and say rape is a craim against humanity. And Rape is wrong and all the PC mombo jumbo etc. But the lady in the kobie briant case I am not sure she was raped.
I know the whole "nuts or sluts defence" is fully in use in that trieal. And frankly He was an incredible moron to even considerd sleaping with a stranger.
But I think it might have been consenual. I mean She brings a pair of panties that she was supose to have been raped in.
but it has some one elses DNA. And now she is filing a civel suit against him seaking damages. I think some one burnd the tea.

I think it takes 2 to tango, He is an ediot and she is after some fast money.

Look at it this way:

She is over heard bragging to her friends about the "great sex she just had"

She brings Panties that she was supose to have been raped in to court and it proves that she had sex a short time after she was raped.

Now she proves that she wants the money. by filing a civel suit seaking damages.

Rape is wrong. When any one says no all bets are off.

But you have to addmit if she was realy raped then wouldnt she have been so tamitiese by the event sex would probly be the last thing she would want.

I am not a big fan of millionair basketball player or there highpower lawyrers.

But I think something is fishy here.

[Driveslikeagirl]

First of all, thanks Gary for the kind words. :)

Now about the Kobe Bryant case...

I try not to be judgmental, but there are a few absolutes in life that I stick to. One of them is that there is nothing scummier than the following dregs of humanity:

Rapists, child molesters, wife beaters (in the bad way, not the *fun* way ;) ), arsonists, anyone who claims to be raped or sexually harassed when they were NOT, and any woman who is pregnant and lies about the father of her baby.

Whether or not the accuser in the Bryant case falls into the above "scumbag roll call", I don't know. The tragic thing is that the whole episode sends a message to rape victims: shut up and go away, or you'll be hunted like a dog.

[myri_SN]

15 months ago when all this happened i was told go to the police that was rape, but i didn't want to tell people what i do in my private life and i didn't think it would change anything that happened. however i did tell several people who were in the same caht than me what had happened so they knew about him. a few months ago when i told my master about it he said i could either still go to the police or if i don't want to i should try and forget about it as things can't be changed anymore. i only started this thread just to see what and if something similar happens more often with people who think they are doms and try to take advantage of people. i class them as bullies.

[Driveslikeagirl]

I don't blame you for being reluctant to go to the police, Myri. I just hope that the jerk who did that to you gets his comeuppance. Karma, street justice, however it happens. Despite evidence to the contrary, deep down I HAVE to believe that people like that get what they deserve eventually. *crosses fingers*

In the meantime, telling someone to move on and get over it (like your master told you) may seem like a helpful thing to say to the person saying it, but it isn't always helpful advice. If only it were that easy, we'd all have less problems in life, wouldn't we? I'm sure what he meant was that you should get your power back from the jerk who did this to you (yes, I read Gary Zukav. ;-) ) "Just get over it" tends to make the person feel like they're overreacting, which is probably not what your master meant. You hang in there. :o

[myri_SN]

well can't undo it and he thinks gettign upset about it doesn't do much good, only makes me upset and sad.

[Mobius]

Street Justice. Maybe Myri you should get some of your sub-by friends together and invite this jerk over for a little party and then turn the tables on him. Tie him up and fist him in the you don't want to know were. Oh with out any lube either. I bet that would have him looking over his shoulder for quite a while. Buck up you little Luxembourg minx. :)

[jaeangel]

I suppose such cruelty and utter self-delusionment is a luxury of someone who has never been a victim of an unfortunate event themselves. Well, lucky them. Inevitably, it will happen to them as well (such is life), and that should put a cork in their ignorant piehole.

One doesn't necessarily have to have been in a similar situation themselves in order to sympathize. Whatever they said, ignore them. You didn't ask for it, and I don't see that you had any way to avoid having it happen. Sometimes stuff happens, and there simply isn't an escape from it. Just be glad you made it out alive.
And oh, you have my utmost respect. After my unfortunate incident occurred, I didn't even tell the doctors at the hospital exactly what happened; I didn't tell anyone until I got married to my huband and I had to explain why I hate being touched or tickled behind the knees. And he still doesn't know who 'the guy' is. I couldn't tell anyone...I repect you for having the courage to speak of it. My hat's off to you!