Mending ways?

[tommiecat]

Ok Just a short time ago me and My Master split....Because I'm afraid to let him love me, We've had problems in the past, cheating and splitting and such, but he's seems actually genuine on mending his ways this time, And I love him dearly he is truely the only thing I think bout...Should I just leave it be and stay away from him knowing he most likely wont mend his ways or give in and try to work things out and hope and pray that he will mend his ways?....totally random, but any advice would be muchly appericated :D


Tommiecat

[lucy]

I have no personal experience with such a situation but for most people i know who went through this and gave the other yet another chance it didn't work out in the end.
Some of them were badly hurt, too.

[tessa]

He has his issues. You have yours. They both have affected the relationship, it would seem. Maybe if you two can heal your own selves first, then you two can go about healing the relationship?

Or not. Humans are complex creatures and not easily categorized.

The best to you.

:wave:

[Soaul]

Staying with someone hoping they will change is doomed to fail. I recommend Four Agreements book by Miguel Ruiz. You can only live your own life (dream), be true to yourself, and do your best. Good Luck and seek what you want and don't settle

[Flaming_Redhead]

You haven't said anything at all about mending *your* ways. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. You either love him the way he is, or you don't.

[thepast]

There is a big difference between a "fixable" difference & a fundamental one... It seems like you both need to take some time, figure out what you want in your life, what you want from eachother, and what you need in a relationship. There is obviously something coming between the two of you that keeps ripping you apart--and something that keeps pulling you back together.

Take the time to work it out. It will be worth it in the long run, even if you aren't together.

[sadiej]

being with someone because they have the "potential" to be good to you is never a good idea. staying in a relationship because they "might" change or "could possibly" change is not taking care of you and can be potentially dangerous.

if he is cheating on you.. he has a problem. and that's isn't something that you can fix or change. bad behavior is often a reflection of character. are you hoping that the zebra will change his stripes?

in any relationship we each take responsibility for our own faults and errors. but what we cannot do is seek to fix, change or control the other person. they have to be as invested in the honest and open building of a good realtionship to make it work.

if both of you are not able to to that. then it is a relatioship best left alone i think. there are a myriad of risks involved in a cheating relationship... physical, emotional and spiritual.

he may like doing this to you because he knows you will take it. perhaps it is time to let him know that you are worth more than a cheating man can offer?

[TheseDays]

I am making my comments, I don't care if it's unethical or not.

I love you tommiecat, I do. Yes I know that I had made a mistake before, I understand that, I am sorry about that. All these months later we got back together. Why? I felt in love with you still, not sure why you came back. I would hope it's because you loved me.

I know that, you still have your doubts about me and all of that. I am sorry for that, I know trusting someone in such a way is hard.

It's up to you at this point. Thats really I can say.

I am sorry you had to pull me along all this time, making me think things were fine. You need to communicate better. I am sorry that we had to wait until things got so messed up that you felt the need to explain this to me. I just wish you would have felt like you could talk to me about anything.

I had hoped that we put what happened behind us, but I guess not. Maybe one day you will realize that I am truly sorry for what happened, and that I really do want this to work out. But only you can decide if you will even trust me in such a way again. Only you can decide if you want to try this.

I wish you the best in any direction that life takes you, but do know that I love you, I always have. I always will.

Maybe one day you will come back, maybe you won't.

-Tomcat


Edit: I fucked up once, and I haven't done it again nor do I ever plan on doing it, maybe you can believe that, maybe you can't. Either way thats how I feel.

[blythe spirit]

Gee, I hate to see things like this happen.

Tom, if you cheated once and got caught and she agreed to take you back, it's gonna be a long, long, long time before she's going to be able to trust you again. In the meantime there's going to be lots of suspicion and doubt on her end. That's something that you're gonna have to put up with until you can regain her trust.

tommie, if you care for him and want him back, but fear you can't trust him ever again, then why bother continuing on in this relationship? If you decide to try again, then there's gonna be times when you're just going to have to bite your tongue and suck it up, or your lack of trust will eventually drive him away.

Whatever the two of you decide, I wish you the best.

[TheseDays]

Her lack of trust is what is hurting me this time. I know it's going to take her a while to open up to me again, but I need to know she is somewhat serious about it. I am not going to hang on and hope she comes back. I need to know she wants to try and make an effort. I need some trust so I don't feel like im putting in effort and not getting any out.

Call it selfish, call it pointless, thats how I feel.

Edit: I don't want to get hurt either, so if I at least know that she is willing to try and get over this issue then I am willing to put into this relationship.

[blythe spirit]

Her lack of trust is what is hurting me this time. I know it's going to take her a while to open up to me again, but I need to know she is somewhat serious about it. I am not going to hang on and hope she comes back. I need to know she wants to try and make an effort. I need some trust so I don't feel like im putting in effort and not getting any out.

Call it selfish, call it pointless, thats how I feel.


Not selfish, Tom, but a wee bit selfcentered. (see all the red highlights). This is about Her. From her post and yours, she was the injured party and now it's time for you to pay the price. Your only decision is, is she worth it? Is your relationship worth it.

If so, you're going to have to hang on and tolerate her lack of trust until she can once again feel safe with you. Hopefully, you two will sit down and work this out and move forward. Hopefully, if she takes you back, you will never give her cause for doubt again.

[blythe spirit]

"It takes years to build trust and only suspicion to destroy it."

[thepast]

A Bit of Caution:

As you create a thread like this, please be aware that it will be on the site regardless of the result of your discussions. Many people "vent" through this type of thread on a public forum, only to regret it in a day, week, or month... Sometimes our private business is our private business & needs to stay in private. Other times our private business could really use the assistance & discussion of 3rd parties. The choice is yours to make, but should be made consciously.

In the past, couples have had "couples therapy" type threads & they have worked out well. Other times, they have not worked out so well & end up causing much more damage then assistance...

Again, the choice is yours. Please however do be aware such threads are subject to the same forums guidelines on RESPECT that all other threads are.

Good luck,

delia

[TheseDays]

Here is some more background, because I don't believe anyone knows truly what happened.

We got together (for the first time) back in June (or around then). Then I made the mistake of cheating. I know I messed up. I told the other girl it was a mistake, and I fought to keep tommiecat from leaving, but we went our own way. It hurt me so bad to know what I had done, but I still loved tommiecat and I still do.

So then all these months later, a couple of weeks ago I randomly decided to talk to her. We ended up telling each other we were still in love with each other.

So we got back together, all was going well (or so I thought, was never told by her that it was still bothering her). So I figured we had both understood what happened before and got over it.

Then the other day she tells me that she doesn't love me because of what happened and not being able to oversee that (or along those lines).

That hurt me, and I know it hurt her. I am sorry she can't love me because of what happened. I am sorry that I have taken her back and then she goes and tells me this after like 3 or 4 weeks of talking again. I am sorry.

I know I messed up, I understand that. I myself know that it was a mistake, and through it all, all of these months I still love this girl.

I am willing to work through this if I know that she is willing to work through it to.

Thats what it comes down to for me. If she is willing to sit down and tell me that she wants to make this relationship work, or at least try to. Then I will give it a shot.

But I will not allow my self to be played with like a puppet. I will not allow her to tell me that she loves me, all the while she wants to try and make it work and then go and toss me away again because she can't get over what happened.

It was a mistake hun, I am sorry for it. So you need to either decide if you want to work together and try to make this relationship work or not. I am willing, but I need to know you are too.

I love you, I am sorry you are hurt, I am sorry it ended the way it did both the first time and this time.

You left me the other day because of our past, I am working to overcome that, but it is a two way street. We need to both come together and work on it to make it work. It is only going to work out if we both work together and together overcome what happened.

**** I am trying to focus on her needs as well, but I also need to know that I am not being tossed around. If you want to make it work, then lets try. Lets try to make it work. I would like to, maybe you do as well. Ball is in your court now.

I am hurt to from this because we did come back together, only for me to be tossed away because we aren't over what happened. Well I am sorry it happened.

Another Edit: I am wiling to sit down and talk about it, but we HAVE TO talk about it. Which we have never done in the past. If she had brought it up and discussed it and told me it was still bothering her I would have understand. We both never brought it up. I am sorry she couldn't bring it up if it was bothering her until she said goodbye.

[TheseDays]

...im just waiting to see if you are willing to work with this with me...ball is in your court.

[TheseDays]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

The fact that I am here, saying all this on the internet, infront of however many people take a look at this has to say something.

I don't care how the people on this site view me, I don't care how the people who read this view me! I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.

[sirbootnocka]

Trust is a sticky issue, because some people learn to trust and to re-trust, quicker than others. As I see it, the only way to prove someone trustworthy or untrustworthy, is to trust them.
I know it sounds crazy, but face it, the only way you're gonna know for sure, is to trust.
I'm not saying be a doormat. NEVER THAT!
Just that if you're going to do this thing, do it!
Start small and give more as time passes, but please don't straddle the fence, with one foot on the side of "no he won't" and the other foot on the side of "yes he will".
Life is too short! For real!
The both of you need to really think about who you are, who you wish to be, and what you want. From self and each other. Only then can you make clear decisions, as to a relationship.

[sirbootnocka]

You know, I gotta ask some ?????
Like 1. Were you guys in a serious monogamous relationship and both parties knew it was supposed to be monogamous?
2. Were there ever any hints at his being a cheater? ie phone#s in pockets, callers that hang up?
3. And this one is a big one, Missing for hour or days and being vague about his whereabouts?
If the answer to these are yes, you have a player on your hands.
And contrary to popular idioms, you don't have to hate the player or the game, just refuse to play.
You can't lose if you don't play!

[blythe spirit]

You can't lose if you don't play!

And you can't win if you don't take risks.

Tomcat, she clearly states her love for you. She clearly states that this is her problem. And she's clearly asking a heartfelt, I believe, "Should I take another chance?"

She says that she's afraid to let you love her, but I think she might be afraid of loving you. Sheeeeeeeesh, you know what they say about Tomcats. lol

If you're love is strong, love will keep you together. Maybe she just needs time to sort things out. My only advice to you, Tomcat, is to be patient. You're young and the one thing on your side is time.

[Ladymad]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

...

I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.


Glad to see you are such a martyr for this relationship. I just find it interesting to see that despite your acknowledgment that you were the one to screw up, you still believe that the onus is entirely on tommiecat to fix the hurt, anger and distrust you caused.

You seem to want to be thanked for 'letting' her come back after you cheated on her. You want to be thanked for saying you have changed. Well, actions speak louder than words - your previous actions spoke volumes and a few "I'm mending my ways" comments just can't make up for that.

Your obvious anger in your post and your expectation that she needs to give you more reason for needing space push me to tell you to calm down. If you really love this girl give her some space and be there for her when she needs you.

Prove to her she can trust you! That is part of your 'give' in the 'give and take', especially when you broke her trust in the first place by fucking someone else.

[leah06]

Mr. TomCat, since you chose to post on here I assume you want input. I'm sorry if it's not the input you want. I understand your sentiments, but would understand them better if the timeframe were different. It sounds like you two were back together for a few weeks at most before she told you that the past was weighing on her. For some reason, you view this as a tremendous inconsistency such that her staying with you for those few weeks seems like a betrayal, that she kept this big secret. But lots of times people don't know all of how they feel RIGHT NOW, let alone how they're going to feel in the future. Clearly she has feelings for you that were enough for her to want to try again, but then she got additional information. Maybe that information was just about herself and her feelings, or maybe she felt the relationship settling into its old habits and she wondered, if nothing else has changed, I wonder if he's really changed? Or maybe, not to hurt your feelings, she sensed a certain - trivialization - of what happened on your part. Clearly this encounter with another woman didn't mean very much to you, but it means a lot to her, and you don't seem to be very empathic to that. At all.

So I would suggest a few things, and they might be hard for a domly soul to hear. First, you need to realize, for real, the enormity of what you did. The encounter might have meant nothing to you, but it had a tremendous impact on your partner and your relationship, so, it's important. And, having realized that, you need to be very empathic to her hurt and mistrust. When she mistrusts you now, SHE'S not doing something to YOU. Really. You did something to her, remember? Finally, you need to realize that she can't get over that just because you tell her to, or even because she tells herself to. She can say that she forgives you and trusts you, but far into the future there might well be reverbrations that you just have to put up with.

TommieCat, you chose to post on here also, so here goes. Whether you get back together is your choice. Asking other people for advice is just silly - why don't you take a poll and just go with the popular vote? And you're lucky, because it is entirely your choice - TomCat is waiting for you. If you choose to walk away, it's not a mistake. But if you choose to stay, you need to be responsible for understanding how you feel and for managing it. Trusting someone, and loving someone, really can involve a conscious choice, so if you decide now to trust him, you need to be willing to resist those times in the future when you will feel paranoid about this. And if you decide to love him, you need to resist those times in the future when you will feel angry about this. It doesn't mean not to feel those ways, but not to magnifiy the feelings and not to act on them. If you can share them in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way, then maybe you can both find the triggers and avoid them. But if you do get back together, then don't be impulsive in the future. You can't break up every time you have a bad day. "Measure twice, cut once."

I'm retreating back to the top of my mountain now. Others who seek advice, feel free to climb up and ask. The air's great up here.

[Pearlgem]

Seriously good advice above...

[TheseDays]

I would just like to thank everyone for the advice, it helps.

Her and I have had a conversation and we are dealing with any and all issues in some way or another. We will see where things take us from here.

Thanks again.

[AdrianaAurora]

This thread, Infidelity and BDSM (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17684)does not make for a light reading, especially the further it gets, but it might be beneficial for both of you to read up about other peoples experiences as to better understand where the other side is coming from.

tommiecat you are the one who has to decide if you are willing to give this another shot, only you know if this is something you can eventually surpass - if its something you are even willing to work on. But do not let anyone pressure you into anything, whatever decision you make, its all right.

Mr. Tomcat, if she does give it another shot, you better be realistic and prepared for the fact that you will have to do a lot of reassuring and watching your steps so as not to find yourself in a suspicious position.

Love isn't perfect and neat - its messy.

R/L relationships are not romantic idylls - they require assurance of commitment and patience. Lots of patience and time.

I truly wish you both the best of luck.

[denuseri]

Truth is tommiecat only you can decide.

Trust is earned over time with actions.

Love can be a precarious thing.

And you should never blame yourself for his inability to keep the faith between you.

Once bitten twice shy, it is very hard to trust another after they have betrayed you and the urge to ere on the side of caution is a very well founded survival instinct.

I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you make the wisest choice for you.

Good luck my sister of the collar.

[tommiecat]

I just wanted to Thank everyone for all there comments and suggestions and views...and We've both come to a point where we releaised that we really do care deeply for each other and we can overcome these problems/differances, and I look foward to gorwing and learning with my Master once again by his side where I know I belong.

Once again thank you all :)

[sinderella]

i have found that in the end, we listen to the advice of others yet still follow our own heart, even if it leads to despair when we are in love.

He apologized to you and acknowledged that He hurt you, which give Him very high marks in my book.

good luck, you two.

[sinderella]

Just re-read her first post and wanted to add..

...another thing, I have mended my ways. You are the one that left once after we got back together then left the other day, according to you it was because of what happened a long long time ago.

It's done and over with, I haven't messed up since. You are the one that left because you weren't over what happened way back then. Thats what you told me, but you also told me when we got back together that it's the past. Sorry you can't actually tell me the truth over if it was still bothering you or not.

I have keep the F-ing faith with our relationship through all this. I have been there for you through all of the crap that you experienced in your life with your mother and all that crap since we got back together.

I have every right to upset you left (not saying that anyone said I don't). So don't try and make it seem like this is all my fault. (again not saying that you are, just saying).

YOU agreed to come back. You COULD have said no if you were still worried about what happened. You say you dove back into it. So did I. If you needed space you could have taken it. But I damn well deserve a reason for you needing space and frankly I didn't see it like that. I saw you lose faith in me, I saw you lose faith in us. Through it all I was there fighting for you not to go.

So there, it's up to you to decide! Not me, I already said I would love to have you back you know that. It's up to you to decide if you are willing to try and put what happened behind us in some way. But DO NOT say you are willing to work things out with me and then pull out this whole "you cheated before" argument. I did it ONCE. I messed up, and I still came back to you and you came back to me. That HAS TO say SOMETHING.

The fact that I am here, saying all this on the internet, infront of however many people take a look at this has to say something.

I don't care how the people on this site view me, I don't care how the people who read this view me! I am here, proclaiming my love for you YET AGAIN and doing all of this for you to try and understand that I really am sorry. That has to show something.


yes, it most certainly does. i am not seeing arrogance here, but then again, i have a different way of looking at things, and a very forgiving nature. i think some people are being too hard on Him - it took a lot of guts to put all of this out here so candidly - he essentially walked through the fire for her.