Clevernick
11-20-2008, 11:02 AM
Another tip for people, based on the best and the worst writing I have the privilege of reading.
Something that many writers do well is to write, as I call it, "in the moment", with each kiss, lick, and blow happening right here, right now. This seems to be a prerequisite for erotic writing, whether including S/M or not.
Some other writers, though they can tell a story, can't seem to do this, and don't understand what I mean by "in the moment". So here as a service, is a short passage from Argus, one of the best sex-scene writers I've ever read. And another passage by me, attempting to show what his scene would look like if it were not "in the moment".
He stopped, holding himself still, his cock deep inside her, giving her cramps. She felt his hands behind her neck, undoing a strap there, and then he worked the ball gag out of her mouth. Her jaw hurt horribly as the pressure was finally released and it was able to move, and she cried out in pain as his hands groped and kneaded her breasts.
She cried out as he pulled back on her hair, and she felt the other hand come up from her breasts, fingers circling her throat, squeezing it.
"Tell me you love it," he ordered, his voice a harsh rasp. "Tell me you love it, white girl."
"I-I l-love it!" she gurgled.
The hand dropped free of her throat.
"Raise your hips, slut! Push your bottom back more!"
Chloe obeyed, coughing from the pain his fingers had left.
"Beg for it, white girl. Beg for my black cock. Beg me to fuck your arse!"
He slapped at her breast and Chloe cried out in pain.
"Beg!" he shouted.
"P-Please!" she gasped dazedly.
"Beg!" he ordered, slapping her breast again.
"Please! Please stop!"
She screamed as he yanked her hair so hard her head was almost upside down.
"Please stop? You'd rather I whipped you then fucked your white ass?"
"No! Please!" she sobbed.
"Then beg me, you miserable little white whore!"
"Please fuck my ass!"
"Louder!" he shouted, twisting her hair.
"Please fuck my ass!"
And here I'll rewrite it without the immediacy:
He kept his cock inside her until she had cramps. Then he released the straps and took the ball gag out of her mouth. He groped and kneaded her breasts roughly, making her cry out in pain, after she was released.
With his fist in her hair, he ordered her to say she loved it, then told her to raise her hips and push her bottom back, and then made her beg for his black cock in her arse. He slapped her breasts and threatened her with whipping, until she gave in and begged him.
See, all the nasty ideas are still there, but it's all detached, like it happened a long time ago to someone else. You must be IN IT RIGHT NOW.
The use of dialogue for most of the scene is a good idea, too. Dialogue is more "in the moment" than narrative.
Something that many writers do well is to write, as I call it, "in the moment", with each kiss, lick, and blow happening right here, right now. This seems to be a prerequisite for erotic writing, whether including S/M or not.
Some other writers, though they can tell a story, can't seem to do this, and don't understand what I mean by "in the moment". So here as a service, is a short passage from Argus, one of the best sex-scene writers I've ever read. And another passage by me, attempting to show what his scene would look like if it were not "in the moment".
He stopped, holding himself still, his cock deep inside her, giving her cramps. She felt his hands behind her neck, undoing a strap there, and then he worked the ball gag out of her mouth. Her jaw hurt horribly as the pressure was finally released and it was able to move, and she cried out in pain as his hands groped and kneaded her breasts.
She cried out as he pulled back on her hair, and she felt the other hand come up from her breasts, fingers circling her throat, squeezing it.
"Tell me you love it," he ordered, his voice a harsh rasp. "Tell me you love it, white girl."
"I-I l-love it!" she gurgled.
The hand dropped free of her throat.
"Raise your hips, slut! Push your bottom back more!"
Chloe obeyed, coughing from the pain his fingers had left.
"Beg for it, white girl. Beg for my black cock. Beg me to fuck your arse!"
He slapped at her breast and Chloe cried out in pain.
"Beg!" he shouted.
"P-Please!" she gasped dazedly.
"Beg!" he ordered, slapping her breast again.
"Please! Please stop!"
She screamed as he yanked her hair so hard her head was almost upside down.
"Please stop? You'd rather I whipped you then fucked your white ass?"
"No! Please!" she sobbed.
"Then beg me, you miserable little white whore!"
"Please fuck my ass!"
"Louder!" he shouted, twisting her hair.
"Please fuck my ass!"
And here I'll rewrite it without the immediacy:
He kept his cock inside her until she had cramps. Then he released the straps and took the ball gag out of her mouth. He groped and kneaded her breasts roughly, making her cry out in pain, after she was released.
With his fist in her hair, he ordered her to say she loved it, then told her to raise her hips and push her bottom back, and then made her beg for his black cock in her arse. He slapped her breasts and threatened her with whipping, until she gave in and begged him.
See, all the nasty ideas are still there, but it's all detached, like it happened a long time ago to someone else. You must be IN IT RIGHT NOW.
The use of dialogue for most of the scene is a good idea, too. Dialogue is more "in the moment" than narrative.