Fitting a square peg into a round hole!!

[tina2008]

Ha!!!

Now that I have your attention, this isn't a "kink" question, per se. I'm confused by a few things.

I engage in chats, IM's, e-mails, etc. with a few Dominants I met when I first decided to act upon my submissive side. Most of these Dominants also remained friends during my one and only RL D/s relationship.

Okay, enough with the background info.

There is one particular Dominant with whom I share a lot of the same basic morals and beliefs. Our religious background is also similar although I'm no longer affiliated with any particular denomination.

I've talked at length with this particular Dominant for over a year. During the course of our conversations, it's easy to determine the type of submissive he would prefer. For many reasons, I feel that I'm not the right submissive for him. I've told him this on many occasions.

For example; his favorite "kink" is something I've never tried nor do I think I would like to (or can do) often. Additionally, he's very active in local BDSM activities and events. I've never been to a BDSM event and would probably attend such an event once or twice to observe. I'm not one for "events" of any nature as I've noticed usually there is a spirit of competitiveness when people are doing thus and so. He has also confirmed the pettiness, chest-thumping, etc. that occur at these events. Why would he want to have a submissive who won't attend functions with him? He would still appear to be a single Dom.

My question: Why would he still feel we are compatible when the things I mentioned above as well as numerous other things are not "aligned"? I don't think he's "desperate"; he's simply attempting to find a good blend of kink and vanilla. I've also posed the "fitting a square peg in a round hole" question to him, but his response bring any clarity to my questions.

Any feedback will be appreciated.

[fetishdj]

If we could all find our ideal other then there would be less problems in the world. I don't think it is possible to find someone with whom you fit completely. There will always be some rough edges to work out and relationships are all about compromise - does what you both gain from a potential relationship balance out what you would lose?

As for events... I am sure he would have no problem with you going to an event as an observer. I think you need to go to at least one to see what they are like rather than being prejudiced by reports of others before you decide your opinion of them. You don't have to take part in any competition based chest beatings if you don't want to - just be the cool kid who takes it easy and doesn't get involved in that 'childish nonsense' :)

Would a relationship between you work? No idea. It might not. You may end up exploding in a horrible mess of jealous rage. You may decide you are not right for each other and stay good friends. It may be great and end up going the distance. Basically, I do not think there is any way to answer this question other than to say 'suck him and see.' :)

[clipcrop]

Tina,

If you can effectively solve the riddle of what characteristics will make for lasting human relationships, you could earn a fortune that will makes Bill Gates' billions seem like chump change.

All the points you listed are mere details. There have been successful relationships between people who would seem to have nothing in common, and disastrous failures between couples who initially seemed to be "made for each other".

None of this answers your question. But maybe you need to look in a different direction.

[tina2008]

I appreciate the responses.

Fetish: LOL...I'm not the jealous type so I doubt that I can explode into a fit of jealousy and rage.

Clipcrop: I'm honestly not trying to solve the riddle of characteristics that will make for lasting human relationships (love your wording). I'm simply trying to understand why someone would pursue another when there are so many differences.

Wouldn't it be prudent to seek someone with at least some of your main likes, kinks, etc.? It's been my experience that relationships can be difficult enough even when you are compatible in most things.

[Clevernick]

Tina -- you're putting yourself in the position of trying to make his judgement calls for him, based on what you know about him and yourself. Strange for a submissive.

Additionally you mention little or nothing about your own preferences (except perhaps by omission.). Do you love him? Do you want to be with him enough to try to overcome the differences?

Or is your posting an attempt to get agreement from impartial observers that you're not right for him? Why do you need such agreement?

I suggest you think about what you personally want, and let your Dominant friend decide what he wants.

[Ozme52]

I find that all too many people are looking for a perfect fit.

But that's not how people in real life interact. They adapt. He'll adapt to you. You'll adapt to him. You'll find things neither of you thought appealed that appeal in common because of the interaction between you.

Not trying and losing an opportunity is far worse in my opinion than trying and saying... "okay, I didn't think I'd like that and now I know for sure."

I have never found a perfect submissive... but I've made some because they were willing to explore their boundaries... as was I.

I have a perfect sub now. Was I her perfect dom? Probably not but I am now. Nor am I the same dom I was... I am better.

[Ozme52]

Oh... btw, I was expecting some exceptionally kinky "insertion" question from the title. ;)

[tina2008]

I could be considered a "strange submissive", but I'm also a submissive who is relatively new to D/s relationships.

There is no hidden agenda in my post.

I don't want someone to "settle" for me as I'm sure there will be resentment on both parts if I don't "conform" to things that are of no interest to me. I'm not saying that I'm not willing to compromise. As stated in my opening post, there are comments made during my conversations with this Dom that are clear signs that we're not compatible. These "things" are obviously important to him as they are mentioned in almost every conversation.

If there are questions you'd like to ask, I have nothing to hide.

[tina2008]

Ozme.....my next post will be all about kink. Promise!!!

[FuzzyBull]

Are you seek the prefect smealess match no such thing. All relationsship area bit of give and take. who know it could work if one works at it. this just MOHI

[kuriouskitty]

Tina, when i first experienced D/s in R/L i had a long list of things that i didn't think appealed to me. After a couple of relationships i'm happy to report that my limits have changed drastically. There will always be things you won't agree on however you've agreed to be friends for longer than alot of people (that speaks volumes to me), i say take the plunge, you may find the water is fine! He obviously sees potential, relax and enjoy. Best of luck whatever you decide. kitty

[tina2008]

Sigh....I'll add pertinent information as the general perception appears to be that I don't want to try certain "kinks".

The Dominant in question prefers a female who wear heels, loves bondage, is of a certain size, willing to play in public and outgoing as it relates to functions. These topics are mentioned in almost every conversation I have with this Dom and we've been talking for over a year. Suffice it to say, I feel that these things are very important to him whether he recognize it or not.

I have severe nerve damage and can no longer wear heels. Bondage may cause issues due to the nerve damage and it's not worth the risk. I'm a bit over his "ideal" size. I'm not outgoing as I have little tolerance for group things. I made him aware of these things within our first few conversations.

Not that I'm contemplating a relationship with him, but if a something did occur, in the back of my mind it would appear that he "settled" for me as I can easily move between vanilla and kink. As I've dealt with this issue in a previous vanilla relationship, it's not something I will ever try again.

The fact remains, why would someone attempt a relationship with someone with whom even their basic "wants" and needs will not be met?

I apologize if my original post was confusing in any way.

Thanks again for all the responses.

[fetishdj]

True... limits change, preferences change. You learn and grow by doing. There were many things I never thought I would enjoy until I tried them.

[Soaul]

Life is negotiating and ranking of values.

If the ranking of your limits and his wants don't match then it would eventually surface and cause problems. Walk away.

If most of your limits match and his want's and his wants are not as valued by him as you are, then it may work. Yet, he needs to be honest with himself and you and really give up his wants to honor your limits and get you. Nevertheless, there is no reason he would return to his old ways.

Now isn't that simple..... LOL

S

Basically, there is no right answer. Go with your feelings. They are usually right.

[Pearlgem]

Tina -- you're putting yourself in the position of trying to make his judgement calls for him, based on what you know about him and yourself. Strange for a submissive.

With respect, I don't think Tina's thoughts are strange for a submissive or otherwise. Only inappropriate 'in scene,' otherwise entirely valid ponderings about a relationship.

Tina, you don't say what he says back to you when you raise these issues with him. Does he concur but say they don't matter? Does he agree but think, "We'll work it out"? Does he think you'll come round in time?
Or does he simply think they are not really differences and they're not that important between you? If he tells you something reassuring, why don't you just accept him at his word? Maybe it's enough for him to talk about these things freely with you. You might feel privileged that he chooses to do this, with you.

I wonder though, do you feel it's actually your basic needs that are not being met here? You talk as if he has an pre-scripted agenda which you can't match, but a successful relationship works out the agenda together. Do you get what you want and need from this relationship, or are you the one who's settling? Are you being too good, too accommodating, too submissive?

Please excuse me if I'm way off beam here. I don't mean to insult or unsettle you. The thought just occured.

Take care x x

[Roadrunner2005]

Hi tina, as Pearlgem said, you didn't mention what the Dom's reponses were when you raised the issues with him. They may ipoint to very different reasons on his part. Also, how did you feel about those responses?

[tina2008]

Pearlgem, thank you for asking these questions.

When I raise these issues, his response is usually "you won't have to do this all the time or go all the time, etc.". I feel it's not in my best interest to be with someone who can't/won't accept my limitations. That would be unfair to both of us. I don't understand why he's having problems comprehending that I want him to have what he desires. But, not at the risk of sacrificing myself.

I feel my needs would be met "if" my very real issues and concerns weren't there. My requirements are pretty simple; A strong Dominant who will respect my limitations. A bit of chemistry would be nice as well.

Roadrunner, my reaction to his responses is that things will be fine for a while and once I can't/won't comply, it may fall under the "disobedient" column.

[Pearlgem]

Tina, I honestly think, from what you say, that you know the truth, really. You see that you don't fit his 'surface' requirements (though actually a big deal for you) - he dismisses or ignores your limitations here. Some of your limits are physical and you couldn't change that even if you wanted to.

I bet your requirements are a bit more complex than you state! Yes, you want someone strong who will treat you right, but 'a bit of chemistry would be nice' Ouch! I would definitely hold out for a bit of that. (And is this reciprocal chemistry you're talking about here?) Some folk focus on the thrill of BDSM acts, but I'm relationship-orientated and have to be with someone I suit on basic levels before BDSM means anything to me.
To be threatened with 'disobedience' for things that are limits that he's ignoring is not right. It makes him sound inexperienced, uncaring. I don't condemn him, Tina. If you care for him you'd want to find a way to work past these things and grow and learn together. But can you fix this, really? Are your instincts telling you that your foundations are too fragile to build the relationship you really want?

x x

[tina2008]

I changed the wording in the title as most of the responses were regarding my particular situation. I used my personal issue only as an example and although I appreciate the responses, the question asked wasn't necessarily answered.

"Why would you try to fit a square peg into a round hole?"

Thanks again for all responses!!!

[Ozme52]

I changed the wording in the title as most of the responses were regarding my particular situation. I used my personal issue only as an example and although I appreciate the responses, the question asked wasn't necessarily answered.

"Why would you try to fit a square peg into a round hole?"

Thanks again for all responses!!!

Because creating discomfort is part of the pleasure dom/mes get. Not merely phyiscal discomfort, but mental discomfort.

Putting you in a position you are uncomfortable about, but seeing you do it for me, as part of your submission, part of your devotion to me... that is part of the feedback I crave.


It's why we tend to push the envelope around the soft limits... and why we might talk or tease you about touching your hard limits... just to make you uncomfortable.

One woman who had a hard limit about public play got to spend a day sitting with me at a diner while I whispered in her ear "but what if I did put my hand between your legs right now? How quietly can you come if I insisted?"

A whole afternoon of public decorum, except in her head.