Being a Parent in the BDSM World

[thewhiterabbit]

I have a few questions for those of you who are parents out there-


What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?

Do your children know about your interests?

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?

If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.

If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.


Feel free to add any general thoughts you have on the topic, even if it isn't an answer to one of these Q's.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I have a few questions for those of you who are parents out there-


What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?

I'd have to say, finding time to be alone for some play time. Or even simply sunggling on the couch. *grins* Kids have an internal alarm system for that.. "OH NO! Mom is doing something! I have to mess that up!" lol


Do your children know about your interests?

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)

Never really thought about this one. But as the mother of two daughters, no. I don't think I would mind at all. As long as they were safe and happy.

As for my kids knowing about my lifestyle, no. They don't know on a conscious level. I'm sure they see the dynamic of the relationship, but it doesn't register to them as anything but just the way things are in our house. I don't call my Master 'Master' in front of the kids. I call him Love, which means the same thing to us.


If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.

Yes and no. For us it's slightly different. I have two children from a previous marriage, and so does he. However, taking care of the kids, mine or his, does feed into my submissive aspect. I enjoy serving him and the kids at the same time.

[Oak]

I'm dom and have always tried to give my dugter as safe an upbringing as possible. I don't think that I've been especially authoritarian towards her. As she comes and tell me things that she never would tell her mother.

[guest010609]

I have a few questions for those of you who are parents out there-


What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?

Do your children know about your interests?

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?

If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.

If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.


Feel free to add any general thoughts you have on the topic, even if it isn't an answer to one of these Q's.
Well, my Master and I have two children... one is 12 (boy) and the other is 1 (girl). At just a year old, I can't really know yet how we might choose to raise her differently and our relationship is way different now that when our son was little, so that's a factor.

Really, the kids don't affect our lifestyle much. We are pretty open in front of them (except where it could obviously cause damage to them). Our son understands it as something of a stepladder power structure... my Master on top, me the next step down, then the kids equally, followed by any other females that might be involved in our dynamic (though that is not such an issue now that we don't live with other partners). We have had live ins in the past... with that we *tried* to be very careful who we brought in and that he didn't get too attached. That was a failure on both counts...live and learn.

We would find it pretty cool if they happened to find themselves in the lifestyle, when they are older. No, I don't think we would fear for their safety any more than in any culture or sub-culture available...there are always risks- with any relationship.

Nope...don't worry a bit about online. Most people can't get off their butts long enough to get a beer much less go through the hassle of tracking, stalking, and finding people. If our ex-girlfriend hasn't physically found us, I doubt most people would either...she was a terrific stalker...I'll give her that much. :p Oh, and we do not participate in ANY r/l events, clubs, parties etc... we have vanilla friends who are kink friendly and that is it. So, that one is non-applicable.

Parenting has absolutely zero to do with our relationship dynamic. Master has never usurped my parenting decisions nor I his, and we generally make all choices regarding the kids together... I am most certainly NOT submissive in dealings with our kids... for god's sake...the slightest show of weakness and they'd overthrow the "government" lol.

[thewhiterabbit]

the slightest show of weakness and they'd overthrow the "government" lol.

lol.

[TwistedTails]

Q. What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?
A. TIME! there is never enough. Privacy! The smarter the child the less you have. You just won't know it.

Q. Do your children know about your interests?
A. Mine are all grown and while it has never been discussed you can tell what they know by the questions they feel comfortable asking you.

Q. If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older?
A. One is for sure, one is in denial, and one is solid vanilla. But honestly I don't care if they dance naked in the woods and worship trees if that makes them happy.

Q. In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?
A. I don't mind talking about my kids, I'm just not going to point them out to anyone. The online aspect does not count to me. If you can track me back to my front door from my postings, I will invite you in for tea.

Q. If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.
A. Not my question.

Q. If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.
A. To a point. Rules and structure are very important to children. I am King in my domain, She is Queen. If they did not respect her authority, They answered to me for it.

Feel free to add any general thoughts you have on the topic, even if it isn't an answer to one of these Q's.

Never yield your authority over your children to anyone. Love them, fight for them, and be strong enough to allow them to fail. It builds character and tears will dry.

[SauvagePouline]

ok this isn't *quite* applicable cuz i'm not *technically* a parent, but i've got a kid brother that i half raised, and it's a topic i've wondered about. I'll be eager to see how people respond! Thank you for starting the thread :)

So as the child of a less than vanilla household, I would comment that it is ok to know about things... but only to an extent, and if it's a respectful kind of extent. My father is freak, but his version of sharing, and his lack of concern about how we found out... not good. My mother on the other hand... i've been reading her books since i was 14, i've seen her copy of the Sleeping Beauty series (i had my own by then) and the silk ties on the feet of the bed. Her i respect, and we can talk about anything.

So, in short (lol, i never ever say things concisely) I think it has more to do with how you display things, than it does what you display.

I'm going to take notes on what everyone else says, for future reference.

[his_girl_l]

i thought i was the only second generation bdsmer out there! Well not really, but you are the only person i've ever heard admit to it before.

My parents have never talked explicitly about it, but nor have they gone to great lengths to hide their interests - just like any parents i guess, they don't see their sex life as any of my business.

i'm separated from my kids father, but he is very vanilla, so bdsm dynamics didn't come into his parenting at all. We did have very traditional gender roles in the household when we were together though.

As others have mentioned, the only real issue i have at the moment is trying to find time and privacy. My kids are very young though, and hopefully things will get easier as they get older.

My Master is yet to meet them, but He cares about them and uses the influence He has to encourage me to be a better parent, especially when i get overwhelmed and distracted by issues with their father.

i don't mind at all either way how their sexuality develops, so long as they are happy.

i don't really see parenting as an extension of my submission - as a single mum to 3 kids under 5, if i showed any submission to them i would have a mutiny on my hands and lose all control. i do see being a good mother as my duty, and i am grateful that my Master does too.

As for web safety, i have never sensed in appropriate interest in my kids from anyone on a bdsm site. Strangely enough, i have been approached by men who set of warning signs on parenting websites. i guess you just have to be careful wherever you are.

[swtinsatiable]

I am a single parent, i have a daughter who knows of my lifestyle. I would rather tell her about my interests then have her find out on her own. I do keep certain aspects of my desires to myself, there are some things i share and i some i don't . She asks questions and i answer her truthfully and she tells me in return everything so i guess it works out perfect..

[AdrianaAurora]

What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?

Explaining why there is a certain room in the house that he can never never go into, how much to tell him, what he will think of me/will he respect me if he finds out I am submissive.

Do your children know about your interests?

No. Not directly, but he is a very bright boy - and occasionally he has said some things that make me wonder how much exactly he understands (he is almost 11) because he has made it obvious that he notices the difference between Our relationship and the relationships that parents of his friends share.

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)

I don't know if he will develop an interest into bdsm, but he has already began exhibiting a definite dominant streak (with his peers and with girls). I don't care either way - as long as I don't know anything about it, lol.

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids?

I take precautions to hide my R/L identity, but I have no problem saying that I am a parent.

Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?

Not really. In fact, it would be kind of cool for him to find my blog and read it some day - to know about his father and I, and how much we loved each other and him - after I am LONG DEAD.

If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate?

No, absolutely not. That point of view never even occurred to me.

Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.

To quote my Husband, I am personally submissive (to Him) but equal in all else.

If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian?

I am not a dom, lol, but I had touched on this in many of my posts and a few blog entries so I am going to answer it.

No, His parenting style is anything but authoritarian. He is a wonderful father, He is trying to spend as much time as He can with our boy, teach him to do stuff and install basic values in him. He always treats his son as a little person who has his own identity and is worthy of respect. But He is also very aware that He is his father, not friend and that children need a sense of discipline and security.

Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.

We do not use corporal punishment, if thats what you mean. As for the rest, I am not sure how to answer it. My Husband may be a very dominant personality, but He is not a domineering psycho that runs around issuing mindless orders, lol. I am His wife and partner, we share as normal (though unique) relationship like all other couples. Our son is a child, and we treat him as such and we try to be the best parents possible, except maybe unconsciously transmitting love, we do not expose him to our private lifestyle, no more than other parents do their kids to their sex lives and interrelationship.

[thewhiterabbit]

Thanks to everyone who's responded so far. This wasn't for research or anything, I'm a single mum too (my SO comes down on the weekends) so these Q's have been on my mind off and on for awhile. I just had to ask since I've heard some suggestions on viewing taking care of others as an act of submission but I've just never been able to see it that way. What I do for my daughter I do out of love and a desire to take care of both of us. Obviously as a parent she has to be my priority. I would be lost if something happened to her. She's still pretty young so I have plenty of time left to review parenting techniques and decide on what's right for me.

I grew up a household with a single mum who never spoke of BDSM. She did know what it was though (as I found out later when I stumbled on her book collection.) Sex was never a taboo subject but she also didn't go out of her way to share. I'd like to continue that thought with my daughter. I want her to be able to come to me with any questions she might have but also don't really want her to know the details of my own experiences, it would too much information imo.

So, I do appreciate hearing from all of you. It helps to know what other parents (and children of such parents) think on the subject.

[BelovedPet]

I really enjoyed reading this thread. I am not a parent yet, but have been pondering many of these issues myself as parenthood looms in the near future.

Thanks everyone.

b

[BryansGrrrl]

What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?
As with everyone else, time to myself. Especially since we live so far away, and have limited funds... when we visit each other, the children are present (oh to have a hotel for a weekend!) so we have to either leave the house, wait for the children to leave, or be VERY creative and discreet.

Do your children know about your interests?
No.

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older?
Not at all. I'm also a pagan, so sexuality is important to me in my spirituality as well. I WANT my children to have happy, healthy sex lives. I want them to be safe, no matter how they choose to play.

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?
I don't post pictures of my children online. They are not allowed to post pics of themselves either.

If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.
No, this is one area of my life that is not affected by my sexual choices (other than the choice to get pregnant in the first place). Mia'Cova can tell you, I have a good "mommy voice" and I am not afraid to use it!

If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.
I'm not a dom, but I had noticed that in my vanilla relationship, I had to take on a more dominant role. I made all the decisions about money, etc. I eventually ended up making all the decisions, period. It felt most of the time as though I had a 4th child, and I would sometimes find myself talking to him as though he were a child, which is part of what eventually turned me off towards him.

[sassy75]

What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?
Finding time. As a single parent and not having a live in it's all about the schedules, sick kids and having somewhere to go so that I may have company. Now, this one doesn't relate to the kids thing but my ex has taken to being a complete ass when it comes to me having company in my home. He doesn't live here, is not on the lease but feels the need to intimidate my friends. That has been more of an obstacle than my kids have been.

Do your children know about your interests?
My kids are 15 and 7. I'm sure my oldest has a few ideas of what is going on but he is pretty naive so I'm hoping he doesn't have a clear picture. My lil one has no clue. I have had a Dom come over late at night when they were in bed. We try to be very quiet but if they were lighter sleepers that wouldn't be at all possible. Thank goodness I can take my whippings somewhat quietly.

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)
I wouldn't mind at all if my kids chose to do this as long as they are safe. I feel so much freedom and am so much happier than I was before. This is where I've needed to be my whole life.

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?
I tell people I meet I have kids. They need to understand that my time is limited and I would rather be open as to the reasons why. I've been a single mom since I was 18 and I've always stood by my rule of no one meets my kids unless the relationship is going somewhere. I don't want them to get attached or ask hey where is so and so, haven't seen him around for awhile. I grew up like that and I'm not doing it to my kids.

If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.
My parenting style has nothing to do with my sexual style. I am dominant all the way with my kids. I'm not saying they are beaten but I am definitely the Queen of my castle. The kids know who the boss is. When I was married they knew that I was the primary caregiver. My ex and I agreed on most issues with the kids. If he made a decision about my son then it was to be discussed with me first and I would not over rule him. I did this because I wanted my son to know that the new parent in the house has authority also. Will I do this with my next relationship? I'm not so sure. I think it's best that I do the raising of my kids on my own since things don't work out.

If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.
Does not apply to me.

Feel free to add any general thoughts you have on the topic, even if it isn't an answer to one of these Q's.

[leo9]

I have a few questions for those of you who are parents out there-


What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?
Like everyone else - time and privacy. The only time I've really had enough time to play was when I was looking fora new partner after the kid's mother died. I'd found a good babysitter while I had to be in hospital a lot; and when I was hunting afterwards, I used her shamelessly to park the kid while I played!

Do your children know about your interests?
When he was about five he commented to his mother (apropos of a gay pride march - he had an unusual upbringing :)) that he thought he'd marry a man when he grew up because "if you marry a woman you have to hurt her." We never knew what had clued him in, but he probably noticed his mother's bruises (she used to dress to show them off, which freaked out the girls at the office who knew her as a ball-busting feminist). So I sat him down and explained that some people like to get hurt as part of making love, but not everyone feels that way and nobody has to do it if they don't want to. I think it reassured him; certainly his taste in internet porn is purely heterosexual ten years on!

If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older?
When he was 14 I found a bunch of hentai BDSM games on the history file of his browser - play with a bound girl, whip a prisoner till she sucks cock - and I just thought "That's my boy!" But after that we tried, as gently as possible, to steer him away from the crudely objectifying stuff.

In the community how protective are you when it comes to identifying yourself as a parent/talking about your kids? Do you ever worry about that whole "online" aspect here?
I wish I had worried about it more.

When he was 6 I had one slave and was looking for another, so of course I posted an advert on my site; and since I was looking for a live-in relationship, not just a player, of course I said that I had a child. I immediately explained in clear simple words that he was not and never would be involved in anything BDSM or sex-related; but some muppet assumed that if you mention a child and sex on the same page it's about child sex, and contacted the police who jumped to the same conclusion, and the resulting bureacratic and legal screw-up took six years to unscrew.

What made me most angry was that when I finally saw the letter that started it all, it was clear it came from someone in the scene. Reading between the lines, he'd followed a link which a helpful Domme had given me to help my business: but by some mistake she'd linked to my front page, which led to my personal pages as well as the online catalog, and he'd wandered about and tripped over the advert. Maybe it's no accident that it was a pro Domme's client. In my experience, they're the most guilty about their own sexuality and the most ready to condemn the rest of us as sick perverts.


If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian?
Quite the opposite. With my kid, as with everyone but my slaves, I'm way too soft and easy-going.

[thir]

>What are some particular speedbumps you've hit in this area due to being a parent?

Time and privacy - as all are apparently saying ;-)

>Do your children know about your interests?

Yes, on an age-aprorpriate level

>If you had a choice would you mind one way or the other if your children were into BDSM when they got older? (Not with you, let's leave any incest out on this one please.)

No, and I would not mind if they did not, either. Their choice.

>If you are a sub, do you see raising your children as another act of being a good sub to your partner or do you take a different position/differentiate? Please describe your views of your position as a mother/father vs your position as a sub.

It is like that of a vanilla parent.

>If you are a dom, do you find your parenting style to be authoritarian? Please describe the differences in your treatment of your child vs your partner.

Being a switch I also dom - and to put it shortly, there is no similarity. Subs are not children!

Feel free to add any general thoughts you have on the topic, even if it isn't an answer to one of these Q's.

I would like to say that I personally think it important that the children are sufficiently orientated. First because they always sense something and may
imagine things that are not right if lacking general info.
Secondly because they accept the way the family functions as they way Families as such function, and this may set frozen gender roles and deprive them of choices.