Adding Others to a pre-exisiting Relationship

[sidhewolf]

Ok so here is my thoughts and questions; We've Both been here a while. Over this time we've been here, there has only been really one person we've communicated with, that I Truly even thought would work out Real Time.

Why? Because it seems everyone we talk with want different things than will fit in with what we have. OR, Wish to disrespect the pre-exisiting Relationship We have. Or want to manipulate and control one or both of Us. We've yet to find one person who is entirely open and honest about themselves, and what they are seeking. And none seem to want to Work towards and Earn anything. Most seem to want instant fairytale type things, without the work and effort it takes to get there.

Many come drawn to Master (which I surely understand). He is a very charismatic person. As well as experienced and a lot of fun. Either these discount the fact that He has one Slave here already, or imagine *they* can somehow do away with this one. The most recent one even Told Me that it was "none of my business what her plans were with Master" basically, and tried to Tell Me how it is and how it's going to be, in my Real Life with Him. Submissive? NOT! Nor her place to do. It IS after all His Decision regarding such things ultimately.

We've been seeking to add others who are Submissives or Slaves, even a primarily Submissive Switch may work out well, for some time now. We are Both very open to and desirous of such. And yet keep running into these walls.

Are there others out there who are experiencing the same problems? Or others who have successfully added others to their pre-existing Relationship Real Time, that started out online? How do we get there from here?

Overall it seems our stats are pretty low, and I'm not sure WHY? We're both friendly, fairly attractive, Loving, interested, stable, and even already have a Home (dwelling) to share. Yet Only one person in more than a year of seeking, has even come close to being someone we were both interested and able to work with. We Both adored her. And even that didn't happen.

Are there Real people (Submissives and Slaves) out there online who want long term committed Relationship(s) with a Poly Family that they would be a part of and Grow with? Or is online just not the place to look?

Thoughts, ideas?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[jeanne]

This is a really good question, sidhewolf. I only have a little bit of real-world experience, but here's my perspective:

Many, if not most, submissives seek the One. And want to be the only one for their One. I won't talk about the whys of it, there are plenty of threads here discussing monogamy vs. polyamory.

Finding someone who genuinely is not seeking that type of relationship is hard. And if they are, particularly if it's their first experience in poly, brings up all sorts of emotions and fears and concerns. As you know, open communication is critical.

My own experience? Milord and I are working our way into poly. It has it's ups and downs for sure. But we are separated by distance, and both want to feel free to see to our own needs and desires openly and honestly. In that spirit, He has recently begun a close relationship with another sub who lives closer to Him. She is a friend of mine, prior to the commencement of their closer relationship. I haven't yet found my comfort zone in the amount of information I need/want from the two of them about their relationship, so I am feeling my way in it. It does help, however, to know that He considers me His primary submissive and does not expect that to change. Just as He is my primary.

On my side of it, I have recently begun a relationship with a local Dom who has a poly family - a wife/slave and another slave. I am not and will not become his third slave, but am becoming his submissive. He is aware of my Dom, knows that I am committed to Him and am His first and foremost, and is happy to have me in his life as his submissive only. I have met his wife/slave - she cooked Thanksgiving dinner Friday evening for us and told him if he didn't get me over there she was going to be very unhappy! LOL That was strangely nice. I like her - although I must admit it is strange to sit at table and share a meal with a Dom who will have his cock down my throat in an hour...and his wife. It's just not part of my normal experience until now. I'm finding I like it - the openness. The acceptance.

I hope you find what you are seeking. It takes a special person to live an open, healthy poly lifestyle. I wish you the best of luck in your search. :wave:

[thewhiterabbit]

It takes a special person to live an open, healthy poly lifestyle.

I couldn't agree more. Poly relationships are hard to pull off because, just as you said, it does bring up a lot of emotions. The person coming in doesn't want to just be a third wheel in an already established relationship and the people there have to figure out how to share what has only been given to them. Jealousy is probably the most common emotion in this. I wish you luck too. If this is really something you want then keep truckin,' the same is true of all relationships, there is someone out there for you. You just have to find them.

[sidhewolf]

This is a really good question, sidhewolf. I only have a little bit of real-world experience, but here's my perspective:

Many, if not most, submissives seek the One. And want to be the only one for their One. I won't talk about the whys of it, there are plenty of threads here discussing monogamy vs. polyamory.

Finding someone who genuinely is not seeking that type of relationship is hard. And if they are, particularly if it's their first experience in poly, brings up all sorts of emotions and fears and concerns. As you know, open communication is critical.

Yes, I Know the Monogamy vs Polyamory dilemma's. And likely Wisdom on your part not to go into it, as you said pretty much, there's tons of threads on those things. Polyamory is a realization that there is more than One person for each person, amongst other things. And it's not really that hard to meet others/potential Partner(s) RT in local Communities. Unfortunantly, there are none close to us. So we've been searching online. And which so far doesn't seem to work out too well.

So True on the open communication, as well as the need for that to be Honest also.

And thinking on "The One" theory...each Relationship is unique (however intertwined) and important. For me, it's enough to have my own place with those I Love. I don't need the only place. Or really believe there is such a thing, however I know the majority do Live their Lives that way. I guess for some it's not?

I easily understand concerns others may have ie fears etc. But there is just one way I know of to win over these things, and that is to do the work to get where one wishes to be, and wants their Life to look like. And that does have to be done in an open honest way.

I guess for me, it's hard to understand why people who are Not interested in a Poly Style Relationship would be trying to get involved with Us to begin with? We are very open about the fact there is 2 of us here right now with Everybody. It seems to end up taking a lot of time and effort each and every time, only to end up where we started. And which woulda been so much easier on everyone if the newer person was Honest with us to begin with. A simple "I'm not interested in sharing" would suffice. Then everyone can move on.

There also seems to be an overall belief amonst most of the people we talk with, that something is missing here for us to be seeking others. All that is missing is others in our perspective. We want a bigger Intentional Family. Why is that so hard to understand? Why the need to feel something is lacking here in one or both of us?

My own experience? Milord and I are working our way into poly. It has it's ups and downs for sure. But we are separated by distance, and both want to feel free to see to our own needs and desires openly and honestly. In that spirit, He has recently begun a close relationship with another sub who lives closer to Him. She is a friend of mine, prior to the commencement of their closer relationship. I haven't yet found my comfort zone in the amount of information I need/want from the two of them about their relationship, so I am feeling my way in it. It does help, however, to know that He considers me His primary submissive and does not expect that to change. Just as He is my primary.

[COLOR="Red"]Sounds very positive and I am happy for You Both. Poly is not the easy road for sure. But in my way of thinking, it's the most realistic. As well as the most honest and happiest. I believe each person does need to be happy and fullfilled by their Lives. And it's my experience that Poly best provides those opportunities.

On my side of it, I have recently begun a relationship with a local Dom who has a poly family - a wife/slave and another slave. I am not and will not become his third slave, but am becoming his submissive. He is aware of my Dom, knows that I am committed to Him and am His first and foremost, and is happy to have me in his life as his submissive only. I have met his wife/slave - she cooked Thanksgiving dinner Friday evening for us and told him if he didn't get me over there she was going to be very unhappy! LOL That was strangely nice. I like eher - although I must admit it is strange to sit at table and share a meal with a Dom who will have his cock down my throat in an hour...and his wife. It's just not part of my normal experience until now. I'm finding I like it - the openness. The acceptance.

Exciting stuff! As for your 2nd Dom and your explanation of how things are, all I can really say is "As it should be"! <smiles>. The openess and acceptance is so much a part of what makes Poly work well. I'm glad also that you had such a great Thanksgiving.

I hope you find what you are seeking. It takes a special person to live an open, healthy poly lifestyle. I wish you the best of luck in your search. :wave:

Thank you Jeanne. I hope so too. I just do wonder how others get through all the online things, and find Real People there?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Ozme52]

Thank you Jeanne. I hope so too. I just do wonder how others get through all the online things, and find Real People there?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

Perhaps nothing more than willingness to chance a meeting. ;)

(Nice to see you back posting sidhewolf. :wave: )

[sidhewolf]

I couldn't agree more. Poly relationships are hard to pull off because, just as you said, it does bring up a lot of emotions. The person coming in doesn't want to just be a third wheel in an already established relationship and the people there have to figure out how to share what has only been given to them. Jealousy is probably the most common emotion in this. I wish you luck too. If this is really something you want then keep truckin,' the same is true of all relationships, there is someone out there for you. You just have to find them.

The comment about "the one coming in doesn't want to be just a third", can be true, and for others not necessarily. Explaining; When getting into a Poly Relationship, actually Before one goes there, it's important to Know what one wishes from such a Style for themselves first of all, and then from the Prospective Partner(s) also. For example; If one wishes to be a full Partner in a Livein Style, and the prospective Partner(s) only have some days a month to spend in Time (kind of 2ndry Relationship or even 3rd/tertiary) available. One can right away determine that configuration isn't going to meet their needs.

Likewise, there are people (I once was one) who have a lot on their plate in their Life, who want a 2ndry or tertiary Style Relationship with another or others, and don't want a fulltime type Relationship. AKA a Primary Style. Upon meeting someone compatible, BUT wishes a Primary Style, again, that configuration isn't going to meet either of their needs.

Meeting someone compatible in most ways, but discovering major differences such as these, can be a hard call on one's heart and mind. Even heartwrenching at times. BTDT! But it is best to cut ones loses sooner than have to face that later on, IME.

IE, It's important to Choose people who have the same, or close to the same Relationship configuration in mind to work towards, from the beginning. And only Open Honest Communication will getcha there.

Jealousy can be a factor in any style Relationship really. But Open Communication about that, as well as being willing to, and then doing the work to resolve that, generally works well. Everyone has what the Poly Community terms Triggers. Triggers are things one sees or experiences as some kind of threat. It's important for everyone involved to know what those are, and to work with that person experiencing them, in getting those either resolved, or setting up bounderies that help that person cope with the triggers they can't resolve. Each person is different, and their triggers can be anything from seeing a Partner kiss someone else in front of them, to something as simple as looks exchanged between their and other Partner(s). Talking it through many times is all that's needed. A person must be willing to dig to the root of their jealousy also, if they don't know why they have it. It's hard to do sometimes. But an explanation of "I don't Know" never helps. One cannot simply stop there. And then there has to be positive support from those who are connected to the jealous person many times, to help them overcome that aspect.

My experience with jealousy is that at least 99% of it is miss-perception. A trigger hits, and the person goes off into the thoughts and emotions of jealousy. Even though the other person the jealousy is over, many times, did no such action, or had no such intent. It is in the mind of the beholder, so to speak.


As for Us, it's not a 3rd so to speak, We are seeking. We'd both like a Full and Real Person, who wants to share a Full Life and Love Relationship with Us. More of a blending if you will. Not someone to be an extra blanket in a closet. And We are not seeking just One necessarily either. Our Term> An Intentional Family. Even though this person would be coming in 2nd to a Relationship with Us in the sense that We are already here. That fact would in no way make that person less, or in the back seat to what We have. Though it will take Time and Work, as well as Respect for what already exsists to Grow Together. Everyone, and every Relationship starts somewhere. We did. And it takes Time and work to build a Life. A cliche' "Rome wasn't built in a day". We are offering and desirous of doing the Work and putting in the Time to Grow with other(s) who are compatible with what we already have, and the Goals and directions we All want to move towards.

We are not looking for any bulls in our china cabinet tho :dont:

Yes, we do Really Want to add other(s). And I do believe "there is someone(s) out there for us". I'm just not so sure Online is How that's going to happen, given the track record so far?

Thank You for the well wishes :)

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

Perhaps nothing more than willingness to chance a meeting. ;)

(Nice to see you back posting sidhewolf. :wave: )

Don't think it's that Ozme. You should Know "chancing a meeting" is not the thing lol. With online things, as in Real Time, there does have to be common ground to build from initially.

Online is so much harder in my way of seeing it. Meeting others in Real Time has been my primary experience, and seems much easier to work with. Though I did meet Master online initially. That was more of a "looks promising, let's meet and see how it goes". A more Realistic view than I am seeing with the people we've talked with? And here we are :11_2_102: nearly 5 years later. But it wasn't just that simple or fast. It's taken Time to Learn and Grow and Build, lots of Work Effort, compromise, patience, understanding, and even at times Agreeing to DisAgree. And much much more. The bottom line is> You can't get there without the Work, AND Honest Open Communication.

Those are the things I see missing from our online Communcations with other(s) most of all. Firstly the Open Honest Communications. Sharing what ones agenda's are, ie what they are Truly seeking to begin with. A lack of establishing common goals. And then a lack of willingness to do the Work to achieve.

The "ah I'm attracted, let's call it Love (yah right)", and "well now I've decided I want one of you so the other must go", isn't working. It isn't what We want, nor what We are after. How or Why do We "chance a meeting" on that basis? Or that mindset? The old Divide & Conquer game that children play. What Wisdom is in inviting those in that want to destroy what one has carefully, timestakingly built? Unless one wishes to tear that down and start over from scratch. Which isn't Our point or desire of seeking out other(s). We wish to Add To, Not take from.

On my lack of posting lately (the last few months), Thank You Sir for the welcome back :) First I was extremely busy, then extremely ill (almost died), then a death in the Family, AND our internet provider sucks (signal problems they've been going to fix for a year now that have gotten much worse). Then without my income (while I was out of work for a month to sick to get out of bed) the crappy net provider shut us off for non-payment. Shoot, we didn't even Know that's what happened, our service is so crappy to begin with. BUT the bill is now paid, and they have promised Again, to fix their issues this next week :rolleyes: We'll see!

Huggs Sir :)

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

To Ozme~ I also meant to mention Sir that I am very happy and excited for You and Jeanne and all the progress Ya'll have made. Congradulations! Huggs and Much Respect~SidheWolf

[jeanne]

To Ozme~ I also meant to mention Sir that I am very happy and excited for You and Jeanne and all the progress Ya'll have made. Congradulations! Huggs and Much Respect~SidheWolf

:) We are happy. Yay!!

[sidhewolf]

:) We are happy. Yay!!

:11_2_102: :)

Also Jeanne, on this> "I haven't yet found my comfort zone in the amount of information I need/want from the two of them about their relationship, so I am feeling my way in it".

I meant to say that *for me* (and dunno if it'll help you in this for yourself?), what I Need to Know about my Partner(s) interactions/Relationship(s) with other(s), is what impacts me and my Relationship with that Partner. And/Or anything that may require a Re-Negotiation of my Relationship Agreements with that Partner. I do expect that the pre-existing Relationship Agreements and pre-established Bounderies will be upheld, or re-negotiated.

Things do Change and people do Grow. And sometimes not in ways we expect or want. But it is important to keep those close to us informed of where we are that impacts our Relationship with them. And also treats them with the same Respect we each wish for ourselves, and upholds established Trust placed in each of us by another with which we are committed. Again Honest Open Communication, not Always easy, but Always Always necessary.

Many things in each Relationship a person has is specific to That Relationship, and fairly personal between Them. I don't need to know every detail, or the he saids she saids, and a play by play detailed explanation of their moments together, and such. And which many times those things are simply TMI, as well as Truly have nothing to do with me.

My bottom line on these things is as stated; 1) If it impacts my Relationship with my Partner in some way 2) If something has occured or is wished for that will require Re-Negotiation between my Partner and I, That is all I really Need To Know.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[jeanne]

My bottom line on these things is as stated; 1) If it impacts my Relationship with my Partner in some way 2) If something has occured or is wished for that will require Re-Negotiation between my Partner and I, That is all I really Need To Know.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

This is where I am with it also. I think the difficulty comes in when I am chatting with her and she tells me something about her interactions with Him that causes some of those emotions to arise. Just plain ole jealousy usually - but that is becoming a non-issue as we grow in this. :) I have expressed my desire to not hear 'details' after realizing that was a problem for me, and that request is being respected by both of them.

It's just a matter of learning, thinking, communicating...and making mistakes sometimes, which is the best teacher of all. :)

[sidhewolf]

This is where I am with it also. I think the difficulty comes in when I am chatting with her and she tells me something about her interactions with Him that causes some of those emotions to arise. Just plain ole jealousy usually - but that is becoming a non-issue as we grow in this. :) I have expressed my desire to not hear 'details' after realizing that was a problem for me, and that request is being respected by both of them.

It's just a matter of learning, thinking, communicating...and making mistakes sometimes, which is the best teacher of all. :)

<nods> Though you have mentioned the "distance" between yourself and Sir Ozme. So maybe it's not Really jealousy, but more Envy? Definitions that come to mind now are;

Jealousy= The belief or feeling that someone else has something that belongs to oneself.

Envy= The desire to have something someone else has.

So maybe even a bit of each? :)

It's quite natural for Friends to discuss things they are into. And since this other person is also your Friend, must be a little tough on her not to be able to share some things with you now, that were it not Sir Ozme she's interacting with, she would be able to? At the same time it's great that you've identified your own triggers to your discomfort, and have addressed them :) And set some Bounderies. Which are being Respected. And that's also great I think :)

You and Sir Ozme have been together a while now, and been through a lot. I have every confidence in the Both of You that Ya'll will Both Learn and Grow as You go :bigkiss:. Anything worth having takes Time and Work. And Ya'll seem to be doing it :)

Huggs to You Both, and Brightest of Blessings.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[sidhewolf]

B]Ok, so back to the Topic <smiles>. Is online a viable method of meeting others Real Time over all? What do others see as the challenges and/or drawbacks to turning an online emeeting of someone potentially compatible into a Real Time Relationship? What has been others experience in these things?

Obviously online emeetings CAN culminate into something more substantial. Master and I are proof of that. And I know of a few others who have progressed quite well, having emet online first. But it seems these are more the exceptions than the Rule, so to speak?

Still wondering...

Respectfully~SidheWolf[/B]

[cadence]

We've yet to find one person who is entirely open and honest about themselves, and what they are seeking. And none seem to want to Work towards and Earn anything. Most seem to want instant fairytale type things, without the work and effort it takes to get there.

You've hit the nail on the head there, it is difficult to find a submissive willing to understand or make the effort to live this way.



Are there Real people (Submissives and Slaves) out there online who want long term committed Relationship(s) with a Poly Family that they would be a part of and Grow with? Or is online just not the place to look?

Thoughts, ideas?

Respectfully~SidheWolf


Online opens up a whole new world of exploration for BDSM. And to me it's a seemingly easy way to fall into a comfort zone where expectations and commitments can be easily obtained or discarded. No harm no foul to certain people.
That's the way I see it anyway.

I think that there are few people who really understand the realities of a poly relationship. It sounds romantic, ideal and a wonderful way to live when reading about it, but the work and effort to live it becomes a slap in the face, when one has to start living it.

I think this lifestyle sometimes falls under the category of cool. Much like a submissive who declares she is bisexual because Dominants like that.
Polyamory is intriguing and submissives would love to be able to say that they can live this life and there are no issues at all.
Then I think that because of all the information that is thrown around about finding the one, being the best submissive, being strong and independent get misconstrued altogether.
A submissive doesn't understand that while they are important in a poly environment, they are not the one and only submissive in the relationship.
It's a difficult process at best to adjust to and one that requires a lot of soul searching, hard work and commitment.

I for one would prefer to share in the way that you describe, however I have yet to experience it to the fullest so I am still unsure as to whether or not this particular lifestyle is to my liking.
I do understand what is involved and am prepared to do the work and make the effort.

It is probably rare that you will find a submissive who does understand the concept and is willing to work at starting a relationship with you both.
That isn't to say that they aren't out there. I do believe you can meet someone online, but the searching is the hardest part to it.

[sidhewolf]

You've hit the nail on the head there, it is difficult to find a submissive willing to understand or make the effort to live this way.




Online opens up a whole new world of exploration for BDSM. And to me it's a seemingly easy way to fall into a comfort zone where expectations and commitments can be easily obtained or discarded. No harm no foul to certain people.
That's the way I see it anyway.

I think that there are few people who really understand the realities of a poly relationship. It sounds romantic, ideal and a wonderful way to live when reading about it, but the work and effort to live it becomes a slap in the face, when one has to start living it.

I think this lifestyle sometimes falls under the category of cool. Much like a submissive who declares she is bisexual because Dominants like that.
Polyamory is intriguing and submissives would love to be able to say that they can live this life and there are no issues at all.
Then I think that because of all the information that is thrown around about finding the one, being the best submissive, being strong and independent get misconstrued altogether.
A submissive doesn't understand that while they are important in a poly environment, they are not the one and only submissive in the relationship.
It's a difficult process at best to adjust to and one that requires a lot of soul searching, hard work and commitment.

I for one would prefer to share in the way that you describe, however I have yet to experience it to the fullest so I am still unsure as to whether or not this particular lifestyle is to my liking.
I do understand what is involved and am prepared to do the work and make the effort.

It is probably rare that you will find a submissive who does understand the concept and is willing to work at starting a relationship with you both.
That isn't to say that they aren't out there. I do believe you can meet someone online, but the searching is the hardest part to it.

I appreciate your response, and the issues you touch on. I don't understand the "slap in the face" part though. Do you mean the Reality of Living Poly to someone who has not Lived it yet? Or something else?

I do Agree that online does open up a World of possibilities in a sense. But the downside is the other things you mention (re; committments being "easily obtained or discarded") in the same paragraph. Unfortunately too True. And especially difficult for someone like me, who is used to Real Time people and interactions. And I am the same online or off. I have a hard time between the 2, Real Life and the Net. *Getting* the ones online so to speak. It's oftentimes hard to decipher who is Real and who isn't, with no Real Time experience with that person. And then the anonymity the net provides. And then the people out there who believe "it's a dog eat dog World" and they are a "pit bull". Geesh! And that too often that aspect of that persons agenda is hidden by that person.

What's wrong with the plain and simple Truth upfront? Leaving Everyone free to persue what they wish for in their Lives. Instead of spending months trying to work through what was never compatible to begin with? All drama and BS I don't think anyone serious needs or wants. Or maybe that's the crux of the problem? Too many out there that feel it's ok to "easily obtain committments and simply discard them"? After all, it's just online right? And a huge number of people just online for the temporary thrill of those things. Not at all our goal. <sighs>.

OTOH, Poly IS a "Romantic, ideal, and Wonderful way to Live" and Love, *When it works*. And just as horrific and painful as any other Relationship Styles when it doesn't. Maybe more so in a sense? Because instead of having 2 people hurting when things fall apart, there are more people hurting.

And so you and your M are also seeking others to add? Reading that you wrote you are "willing to do the work" etc.

And yes, Poly is the more difficult road for sure. I dunno what may be "cool" about Poly? I do know a lot of Dominant's think they'd like it. And that experienced Poly Dominants are few. It's also an issue what ones definition of Poly is for themselves is. Ours is Intentional Family. But everyones is different. Poly is such a generic broad definition word. It can encompass anything from Poly Swing/Sexual, to Poly Fi, and all in the middle. Knowing what other peoples definition is for themselves and what they seek from Poly helps a lot.

Maybe online seeking for this is like the "needle in a haystack" thingy?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[jeanne]

Too many out there that feel it's ok to "easily obtain committments and simply discard them"? After all, it's just online right? And a huge number of people just online for the temporary thrill of those things. Not at all our goal.

This doesn't just happen online in poly relationships. I am finding that some 'poly' people in real life also treat the relationships they form lightly. And are unable, for whatever reason, to be open and honest about who they are and about all their relationships. Even when the other person is being completely open and honest.

[jeanne]

Too many out there that feel it's ok to "easily obtain committments and simply discard them"? After all, it's just online right? And a huge number of people just online for the temporary thrill of those things. Not at all our goal.

This doesn't just happen online in poly relationships. I am finding that some 'poly' people in real life also treat the relationships they form lightly. And are unable, for whatever reason, to be open and honest about who they are and about all their relationships. Even when the other person is being completely open and honest.

[sidhewolf]

This doesn't just happen online in poly relationships. I am finding that some 'poly' people in real life also treat the relationships they form lightly. And are unable, for whatever reason, to be open and honest about who they are and about all their relationships. Even when the other person is being completely open and honest.

This is True IME (unfortunantly) also Jeanne. Though I can say I have found fewer of these types in the Poly Community, than in any other. It's still disparaging when it happens.

Many times, a large part of this type of thing, also IME, is when people don't compare their definitions of what Poly is *to each of them*, before jumping in. And someone starts walking backwards later.

It's also true, that a person can only be as honest with someone else as they are with themselves.

And then there are those that just outright lie, or are deceitful in some way. Like> lies of omission. Or being manipulative. Or by with holding a Truth about themselves, they already know enough about the other person to realize, that things won't work out as they wish IF they tell it. There is tons of ways to lie I suppose?

I recently had a Friend tell me of the Relationship with one man she's been in for over a year now, that she just ended the intimate aspects of. Their Agreement contained a fluid bond between them soley, and only barriered sex with others. Primarily because he is basically Poly Sexual. It came to her attention about two weeks ago, via a Friend of hers (unbeknownst to him) over coffee, that he was sexually intimate with, that no barriers were utilized. AND he told her Friend that he only has sex with those he "feels safe with", and "people that he Knows", "so barriers aren't necessary". AND he "doesn't like them", barriers that is. There's more to this story, but it's already loooong enough. So the bottom line here is that> Not only did he Not keep his Agreement with my Friend, BUT that she has been exposed to Everyone he's had sex with for over a year now. And there's been quite a few of them. Heck, it only takes one who is sick and doesn't know it right?

She's been tested, and is so far clear. But she has to retest in 6 months to be Really Sure.

Personally, while I am a sex positive person, I am not Poly Sexual. I am an LTR kinda girl. It is truly rare for me to just jump into anything. I give things and people Time to show me who and what they are. Actions do speak louder than words to me. One of my cues is if you see or experience someone violating or betraying one Relationship, or the Agreements they have, in some way, don't imagine it won't happen with you (figurative you BTW).

I've Learned a lot in the Poly Community, and about the many different types of Poly Styles. But then, there are some that just don't cease to amaze me. More of "OMG Where do they come from?".

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[Veralynne]

I am not poly... and don't intend to be.. but I am just gonna throw my two cents in for fun.

If I was to ever consider a poly relationship- I think that I would have to have a relationship with both the man and woman already in it. I'd want to have a personal sexual relationship with each of them.. so it didn't feel like just 1 guy with 2 chicks, ya know? I'd have to have something where each "pair" has their own personal love and relationship between them. In my mind.. that is the only way I could make something work... that... and assuming the original couple made me feel very included and didn't spend a lot of "private time" together... especially at the beginning.

[sidhewolf]

I am not poly... and don't intend to be.. but I am just gonna throw my two cents in for fun.

If I was to ever consider a poly relationship- I think that I would have to have a relationship with both the man and woman already in it. I'd want to have a personal sexual relationship with each of them.. so it didn't feel like just 1 guy with 2 chicks, ya know? I'd have to have something where each "pair" has their own personal love and relationship between them. In my mind.. that is the only way I could make something work... that... and assuming the original couple made me feel very included and didn't spend a lot of "private time" together... especially at the beginning.

A CoupleShip sort of configuration with everyone in the HouseHold? I've seen that work well, and been a part of such configurations before. That would be ideal for here <G>.

It is also real important for the newer person to feel wanted, accepted, and included. And that everyone work towards that for things to work well. It takes a lot of Honest Open Communication, and positive actions, to get there. It is just as important for that newer person to be able to understand and accept and be comfortable with the fact that the people that were there before them already have established Relationship patterns as well. This does not mean the newer person means less than the others there, just that they've spent more Time together, and Grown together, over that Time. And that in Time as that newer person is integrated into the HouseHold, the newer person will become a part of much of that, as well as bring new things with them. At the same time, not Everything will change between the pre-ex Partners to accomodate the newer person either. The newer person establishes their Own Place with each Member of the HouseHold, seperately, and together.

Thanks for sharing.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[cadence]

I appreciate your response, and the issues you touch on. I don't understand the "slap in the face" part though. Do you mean the Reality of Living Poly to someone who has not Lived it yet? Or something else?

I mean the ones who have not lived it, but want to explore it. Everything looks fine when you discuss or talk about it, but I think that living it would be a difficult transition. I've seen couples who seek out a third submissive to share in the relationship, only to have it fall apart when the third submissive has a difficult time adjusting.
It happens and it's not only the inexperienced ones either, I think you have to have a pretty good idea of what you want out of the relationship, the more people you add to the mix, the more it takes to make things work. That is my opinion though, I don't know about anyone else.





What's wrong with the plain and simple Truth upfront? Leaving Everyone free to persue what they wish for in their Lives. Instead of spending months trying to work through what was never compatible to begin with? All drama and BS I don't think anyone serious needs or wants. Or maybe that's the crux of the problem? Too many out there that feel it's ok to "easily obtain committments and simply discard them"? After all, it's just online right? And a huge number of people just online for the temporary thrill of those things. Not at all our goal. <sighs>.

I understand how you feel. I sometimes don't think people are always insincere, but I think they are still confused about what they want and still trying to explore the options available to them. Some if not most do have an agenda, but that's something you have to learn how to cope with in an online environment.

I also say it may be "cool" as many people can claim to be poly, yet not too many understand how any why someone would want that.
For a new submissive to state she is poly, puts her (I'm using a female for easy reference for me) status as unique and interesting. I would say a submissive would think she is standing out from the crowd. Again my own opinion.

I know that when I saw a documentary on a BDSM Polyamory couple, I knew I wanted that type of relationship, however I hadn't grasped the concept of how it worked, and didn't realize the efforts involved to make it work.
To be honest, I still don't really know yet.
I would believe that the type of person you seek is out there, they are just a tad more difficult to find.
Yes as you said it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.





And so you and your M are also seeking others to add? Reading that you wrote you are "willing to do the work" etc.


I don't know all of the different types of Poly relationships, but I am the second submissive.
He is married to his first submissive and she comes first before I do.
We have taken this slow and have only divulged online for the time being, and I will be visiting shortly to see if everyone involved will be able to be compatible. If I choose to live closer I would not be living with them, but I would still be in a relationship with him.

As of my own relationship right now, I have a b/f but I don't know if we are considered poly, he allows me to explore and he wants to find his own personal relationship without having them be poly.
If I had the opportunity to live with another couple, I would love to be able to explore that, which is why I said I would be willing to do the work. I don't know if it is for me, but I do know that I it is something that I would definately love to be able to have.

[sidhewolf]

I mean the ones who have not lived it, but want to explore it. Everything looks fine when you discuss or talk about it, but I think that living it would be a difficult transition. I've seen couples who seek out a third submissive to share in the relationship, only to have it fall apart when the third submissive has a difficult time adjusting.
It happens and it's not only the inexperienced ones either, I think you have to have a pretty good idea of what you want out of the relationship, the more people you add to the mix, the more it takes to make things work. That is my opinion though, I don't know about anyone else.

Anything new is hard really. A new job, trade, move to a new city, new Relationship, etc. Until you Learn it. What works, what doesn't, reach a comfort level etc. Living Poly can be as difficult transition as anything else. Or, not to sound arrogant or anything, it can be as simple as Communicating Openly Honestly, Negotiating Agreements, Loving and Living, and Committing to that/those Relationship(s).

Yes, there are pre-requistites. Like being compatible, having similar Goals, interests, and depending on what Style of Poly one is seeking. Or as you say "having a pretty good idea of what you want out of the Relationship(s)". My idea/experience, is What Each person Needs from the Relationship(s) is a key. Understanding that wants are negotiable, Needs really aren't. And getting together with others that have Needs and wants that will mesh together. Instead of conflict or clash. To have the best chance of success. This does require Everyone to be Honest and Upfront about themselves. If something major to someone, that is or would be a deal breaker, is discovered later, it's often still a deal breaker. And the end result Major Suck!

Yes, adding a 3rd person, new Submissive, a new Dominant, or even starting a new Relationship in any Style (even from the point of being single), CAN fall apart. And it can happen even with experienced Poly people. But I think the things I've already mentioned help safe guard against that. Honest Open Communication Always! And the Commitment to work things through Together!

It's also True that the more people you add to the mix, the more work to do. Everyone is different (even with a lot in common), and has their own feelings and thoughts. And Everyone's differences, feelings, and thoughts, have to be addressed, and worked with. Bottom line, that is just Love and Respect in a nutshell, for Each person. No harder than having a Family really.




I understand how you feel. I sometimes don't think people are always insincere, but I think they are still confused about what they want and still trying to explore the options available to them. Some if not most do have an agenda, but that's something you have to learn how to cope with in an online environment.

<nods> It's hard to cope with what isn't said, or is hidden. Or even lied about when asked directly. My thoughts are, Eventually it'll all come out, so why not just tell it to begin with? If we aren't compatible, or whatever, I'd rather Know now then later. Someone here said on a topic once "the more time you spend with those who aren't right for you, the more time you've lost spending with those who are", or something like that. It stuck with me, and I do believe it.

I also say it may be "cool" as many people can claim to be poly, yet not too many understand how any why someone would want that.
For a new submissive to state she is poly, puts her (I'm using a female for easy reference for me) status as unique and interesting. I would say a submissive would think she is standing out from the crowd. Again my own opinion.

That could be, I agree. Though again the Truth of that will come out sooner or later. Why delay the process? And why appeal to the kind of people you really don't want to be with? Makes no sense to me.

I know that when I saw a documentary on a BDSM Polyamory couple, I knew I wanted that type of relationship, however I hadn't grasped the concept of how it worked, and didn't realize the efforts involved to make it work.
To be honest, I still don't really know yet.

:) Ah my kinda girl. It takes Love, Trust, Respect, Compromise, and Honest Open Communication. Common Goals, Commitment. Not really as hard as it seems.


I would believe that the type of person you seek is out there, they are just a tad more difficult to find.

Yes as you said it's like trying to find a needle in a haystack.

<Nods> I believe they are out there too :)




I don't know all of the different types of Poly relationships, but I am the second submissive.
He is married to his first submissive and she comes first before I do.
We have taken this slow and have only divulged online for the time being, and I will be visiting shortly to see if everyone involved will be able to be compatible. If I choose to live closer I would not be living with them, but I would still be in a relationship with him.

Is she Poly also? She will "come first" all the time? If you move how far away would you be moving from where you are now? Do you know other people where He lives?

As of my own relationship right now, I have a b/f but I don't know if we are considered poly, he allows me to explore and he wants to find his own personal relationship without having them be poly.

Hard to say on that. The Relationship sounds Polyish :). If you move to M is b/f going? And b/f wants a Monogamous Partner also?

If I had the opportunity to live with another couple, I would love to be able to explore that, which is why I said I would be willing to do the work. I don't know if it is for me, but I do know that I it is something that I would definately love to be able to have.

And how would that configure with the M you have now? Or would that be something you'd be seeking if you move near Him? Or?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[cadence]

To answer your last few questions,

I will always be second, and I do believe she is willing to share, but she does not wish to participate.

As for moving it would be in the same country, to a different province.
My b/f will not be moving with me, he has chosen to move elsewhere and I have made the decision not to join him.
I am not moving because my Master is there, I am moving because I had made the decision to move away a while ago and I would have considered being close to my Master, but it just so happens that where I wanted to go, was closer to where he was located . As for seeking out another couple, I may do so in the future, but things are complicated enough as of now, so I will wait until they are settled down, and I can think more on it.

For now I am happy with things and the way they are going. They could change with time, but I am in no rush with anything, for now I am going to let things happen as they will.

[sidhewolf]

To answer your last few questions,

I will always be second, and I do believe she is willing to share, but she does not wish to participate.

As for moving it would be in the same country, to a different province.
My b/f will not be moving with me, he has chosen to move elsewhere and I have made the decision not to join him.
I am not moving because my Master is there, I am moving because I had made the decision to move away a while ago and I would have considered being close to my Master, but it just so happens that where I wanted to go, was closer to where he was located . As for seeking out another couple, I may do so in the future, but things are complicated enough as of now, so I will wait until they are settled down, and I can think more on it.

For now I am happy with things and the way they are going. They could change with time, but I am in no rush with anything, for now I am going to let things happen as they will.

Thank you for taking the time to explain. It all connects better for me now. Best to you Cadence :). And it does sound like a plan to me :wave:

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[DowntownAmber]

I've glanced at this thread in passing, but not being of the particularly poly persuasion m'self (wow, there's a mouthful) I haven't paid attention too closely. I'm not opposed to play with another Dom, sub, or couple; but my romantic inclinations tend to be pretty singular and focused so I didn't suppose I had much to offer in the way of intelligent commentary on this topic. This morning I read the original post from start to finish, however, and was struck by one thing in particular:

"Only one person in more than a year of seeking, has even come close to being someone we were both interested and able to work with."

There are DROVES of singles out there (from vanilla to Dom to sub to everywhere in between) that are going through the same thing in regards to finding a long term or lifetime partner. Some people get lucky - they bump into just the right person at just the right time and everyone lives happily ever after. Others spend years looking. And years. And YEARS.

I've been on the "dating scene" m'self for, oh, about seven or eight years now and have only ever considered two of the men that have been a part of that scene as potential husband material. This one on one match-up is hard enough to find, and it only increases in difficulty when the person you're looking for has to love and be compatible with two of you, and both of you have to love her back as well.

So my curiosity is this: is it unreasonable to assume that this search, in all reality, could take five times as long as it already has regardless of the fact that you and your Master are indeed, "both friendly, fairly attractive, Loving, interested, (and) stable?" Or, is this indeed a purely poly problem? (I'm just adoring the alliteration today.) I can see where the hierarchy issues are something that needs to be addressed, sure, but are these the primary issues in your search?

[sidhewolf]

I've glanced at this thread in passing, but not being of the particularly poly persuasion m'self (wow, there's a mouthful) I haven't paid attention too closely. I'm not opposed to play with another Dom, sub, or couple; but my romantic inclinations tend to be pretty singular and focused so I didn't suppose I had much to offer in the way of intelligent commentary on this topic. This morning I read the original post from start to finish, however, and was struck by one thing in particular:

"Only one person in more than a year of seeking, has even come close to being someone we were both interested and able to work with."

There are DROVES of singles out there (from vanilla to Dom to sub to everywhere in between) that are going through the same thing in regards to finding a long term or lifetime partner. Some people get lucky - they bump into just the right person at just the right time and everyone lives happily ever after. Others spend years looking. And years. And YEARS.

I've been on the "dating scene" m'self for, oh, about seven or eight years now and have only ever considered two of the men that have been a part of that scene as potential husband material. This one on one match-up is hard enough to find, and it only increases in difficulty when the person you're looking for has to love and be compatible with two of you, and both of you have to love her back as well.

So my curiosity is this: is it unreasonable to assume that this search, in all reality, could take five times as long as it already has regardless of the fact that you and your Master are indeed, "both friendly, fairly attractive, Loving, interested, (and) stable?" Or, is this indeed a purely poly problem? (I'm just adoring the alliteration today.) I can see where the hierarchy issues are something that needs to be addressed, sure, but are these the primary issues in your search?

Yes Amber, it's true...sometimes finding other(s) to fit into an Intentional Family, can take "years and years". But I've not found it to be as difficult IRT or ITF (as is said here) as it has been online. Unfortunantly we aren't really local to any LifeStyle Community. And the one we fit into best is the furthest from us right now. RT is really the best way I know by experience to meet others of like mind and heart. We're considering moving to the ATL area, with that in mind. There is also many other beneficial reasons to move further to north Georgia. Colleges that Master can continue to His Baccalaureate in (that aren't available here). Better job availability, and wages. And lots more to do and see. ;)
There is also a really Large Poly Community up there.

I'm not sure how to answer your last question, I don't think I understand it? Or what you are asking me exactly? Re; "the hierarchy issues", and those being "primary in Our search"? What We are seeking in other(s) is Honest Open Communicative Submissives or Slaves, and those wishing to join an Intentional Family. Other(s) willing to do the work With Us it takes to build the Family, and Learn and Grow, and Evolve Together. We just aren't seeking any "bulls in the china cabinet so to speak", or another in house Dominant. One of those in the castle seems plenty right now :). Does this answer your question at all?

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[DowntownAmber]

Yes, that does answer it - at the base level what I was wondering is if you seemed to be finding nice people but they didn't fit in a BDSM sense with what you wanted, or if you were finding good BDSM people that you didn't click with personally.

[sidhewolf]

Yes, that does answer it - at the base level what I was wondering is if you seemed to be finding nice people but they didn't fit in a BDSM sense with what you wanted, or if you were finding good BDSM people that you didn't click with personally.


Hmmmmmm I think you are asking what it is that we are experiencing that isn't working then?

Most of the people either of us have talked with have been, or seemed "nice". Some, just at first. Nice = courteous and somewhat friendly, to me.

Right now we aren't seeking any male, or Dominant people. So other than Friendships, or Mentors, or some things Master is into occasionally, those are not the people we really talk with, as far as seeking them. Primarily we've been talking with female; Submissives, Slaves, and some Switches.

Master is online far more than I am. He is a very charismatic man, experienced, intelligent, fun, interesting, attractive. As I have mentioned in prior posts on this topic. So He easily draws a variety of females attentions. And He talks with a lot of them.

Most times the way it goes is; He talks with them, they become interested in Him/they become interested in eachother, and He tells them that He has a Slave, and we are seeking to add to our Family, but that We All must must compatible for that to be considered. And there is generally one of four things that happen; 1) The female is seeking a Dom for herself solely, and does not want to be with someone she must share. So she becomes a Friend, or leaves. 2) The female is seeking a Dom for herself, but is between Doms, and likes Master, so she just wants to talk and play/cyber, until she finds someone for herself. 3) The female was initially seeking someone for herself, but is very drawn to Master and then becomes confused. Thinking *maybe* she can manage a Poly Style. And then decides she can't. Or one or both of us can see her struggling and hurting, because what she Really needs and wants is a Dom to and for herself alone. 4) The female becomes very attracted and attached to Master, convinces herself she is In Love with Him, and that she must have *HIM*. And that there must be something wrong here, for Him/Us, to be seeking others. So she decides to do whatever is within her power online to be His one and only. And trys her best to divide us.

Master always talks with me about anyone He feels may be worthwhile. Tells me a bit about them. And then He will have me talk with anyone He thinks may be worth His effort. Some have been quite Honest, but many more have not been. Especially the category #4. Most are "nice" to begin with. But the category #4's are sneaky and ruthless. Saying one thing to me, and quite another to Him. And disparage us at every turn.

There has only been one *We* "clicked with" so far. And she, bless her heart, was a #3 . We All gave our best efforts I believe, as the people we each are. There were just conflicts to happiness that couldn't be overcome. Wants are negotiable, Needs aren't. We both adored her each in our ways. I still miss her. And I'm certain Master does too. We REALLY wanted that to work out. A girl similar to her is who we'd Love to share our Lives, Love, and Home with. Minus those crucial issues/differences of course.

Does this answer what you are asking?

Respectfully~SidheWolf


[/B][/B]

[sidhewolf]

Addendum to my response;

I haven't experienced the things I listed above IRT, that I have online. When I've met people at Munches or Poly meet n' greets, they are generally quite up front about what they are seeking. What things they are into. And/or what their Relationship configurations are, or what they hope them to one day be.

This is not to say things can never go awry IRT. We all know they can and do, with any Relationship Style. It's just that via RT meetings, things seem to go smoother. At least to me.

Respectfully~SidheWolf

[yourlilslave86]

Right now, I am in a poly relationship with a couple. I talked with them at lengths before coming into the relationship and committing to them. For me, it isn't the fact of being in a poly relationship as much as it is about having more than one Owner. I am a slave to both of them but I am also helping Her out by helping with the animals, household things, etc. I am also her friend that she can share things with. He is the Master where she is the switch. Both of them have used me just as I have pleased both of them.

I can honestly say that this style isn't for everyone and when I first started looking I really wasn't looking for a couple but over time I realized that there are things that He enjoys but she doesn't like doing where I do. An example is anal. She doesn't care for it where I do. Needles is something that she is terrified off but I am not.

I think the best thing to do is make sure that whoever you are bringing in doesn't get jealous because it can destroy the relationship. Communication is key in any type of relationship this being one of them. I have found that I can talk to her easily than I can Him.

Good luck.

[sidhewolf]

Right now, I am in a poly relationship with a couple. I talked with them at lengths before coming into the relationship and committing to them. For me, it isn't the fact of being in a poly relationship as much as it is about having more than one Owner. I am a slave to both of them but I am also helping Her out by helping with the animals, household things, etc. I am also her friend that she can share things with. He is the Master where she is the switch. Both of them have used me just as I have pleased both of them.

I can honestly say that this style isn't for everyone and when I first started looking I really wasn't looking for a couple but over time I realized that there are things that He enjoys but she doesn't like doing where I do. An example is anal. She doesn't care for it where I do. Needles is something that she is terrified off but I am not.

I think the best thing to do is make sure that whoever you are bringing in doesn't get jealous because it can destroy the relationship. Communication is key in any type of relationship this being one of them. I have found that I can talk to her easily than I can Him.

Good luck.

Thank you for your contribution Lilslave :)

You are absolutely correct on all of your points imo/e. Poly isn't for everyone. Most people need to be and feel they are the only one for those they Love. Yet even in Poly, that is still true in it's own way. No two people are exactly the same, no matter how similar they may be, or what the in commons are. Each person is special and unique unto themselves. No one is replacable.

Every Relationship is also different, even with the same person. Like people, each Relationship is special and unique unto itself also. No two are exactly the same, no matter the similarities.

So for people who are, or are open to Poly, it works for them. Or can.

Very true also, that jealousy can get in the way of success in Poly, like in any other Style of relating. And even more so, because there is not just a one on one component to those Relationship(s). Though that component also exists (one on one relating that is). Working together to overcome or resolve jealousy issues is very important, as unresolved jealousy is kind of like a virus, or a disease. It increases/multiplies over time if left unchecked/unresolved. And yes it can destroy the Relationship(s) one hopes to build.

IME, everyone has triggers to jealousy. Care must be taken to recognize those and resolve them if they occur.

Compersion can also be blocked if jealousy issues remain. Without compersion, it is difficult if not impossible, for Poly Relationship(s) to Grow and develop normally. Normally for Poly Relationship(s) that is.

Honest Open Communication between all parties to Poly Style Relationship(s) is very much the key to their success, just as in any other Style of Relating. And again more so, because of the amount of people involved.

As you have discovered, it's important for each person to have their own place within the Relationship(s), as well as their place within the Family, when it's a Livein together situation. I found out the hard way (unfortunantly) years ago, it won't work out otherwise.

As you've also mentioned, it does take Time and lots of communication as well as negotiation between all parties, to determine whether or not a Relationship is a viable option for all of them. So just jumping in and hoping things will work, rarely does. Though sometimes people do that, and then have to suffer the pains of defeat or failure. When Time and communication could have prevented the problems altogether. Sometimes a person, or people, just want something/someone so badly, they fail to recognize the red flags, and they make this mistake, or mis-take. I've BTDT, and I don't plan to go back there.

Congradulations on your Family Lilslave :), and Blessings to you all.

Thank you again for your input.

Respectfully~SidheWolf