M/s vs. Vanilla relationships?

[wind_dancer{W_W}]

For those who have been in both Vanilla and M/s relationships........ which type of relationship has a stronger connection between persons???????????????

[BelovedPet]

I think pretty much everyone here will say M/s, after all, that's why we're all here, right? For me personally, I feel a level of intimacy, acceptance, and love that I have never even come close to experiencing in a vanilla relationship. I couldn't be happier with Sir.

[Dorkalicious]

In my opinion there is no way to tell which has a deeper connection, other than comparing one relationship to the next on an independent level rather than as a group. Both types of relationships depend on a strong connection between those involved. On the most basic level, any relationship should have a strong foundation of trust and communication which in and of itself leads to a strong connection.

Simply my $.02 :)

[cadence]

You might say that a M/s relationship is more powerful and stronger because you have already tried a vanilla one and it's not your preference.

There is no weaker or less significant relationship. A relationship is based on mutual attraction, compatibility and hard work.
My relationship with my boyfriend, is vanilla and it is the most satisfying, most intense relationship I will ever have. It's the bond between us that is strong.
While I do prefer D/s over vanilla, it's not the type of relationship I have that makes it more or less special, it's the person who is able to share it with me.

[Dorkalicious]

^Well played :)

[jesperi]

I think that depends entirely on the relationships. I imagine that there can be relationships between people that are entirely vanilla which are tremendously deep and meaningful and others which aren't. There can also be amazingly deep and meaningful M/s relationships and others that are less so.

At the end of the day if both parties are really open, honest, compatible and really in love with each other then I don't think it matters the context in which their relationship takes place. That said, I don't think I could have as meaningful a relationship with someone in a completely vanilla context than I could with certain BDSM elements but that's because for me it makes up and important part of the chemistry. There would be a level of intimacy not present and a compatibility that would be absent that I would want.

But that's just me and your mileage may vary.

-Geoff

[jesperi]

You might say that a M/s relationship is more powerful and stronger because you have already tried a vanilla one and it's not your preference.

There is no weaker or less significant relationship. A relationship is based on mutual attraction, compatibility and hard work.
My relationship with my boyfriend, is vanilla and it is the most satisfying, most intense relationship I will ever have. It's the bond between us that is strong.
While I do prefer D/s over vanilla, it's not the type of relationship I have that makes it more or less special, it's the person who is able to share it with me.

Yeah... you totally beat me to it. As I was preparing to write my post you swooped and said it more succinctly and more eloquently. Damn you. :P

[Diablo]

To me they are both powerful but vanilla doesn't, to me, allow for the complete openness and intimacy I find in D/s.

[lucy]

I go with what cadence said. But there is one thing that can lead to a M/s relationship being 'stronger': The necessity to communicate. At least i think that's an absolute must in a M/s or D/s relationship, but i could be wrong.

[jezabel]

i agree with lucy....a D/s relationship, has to rely more on succinct communications, otherwise physical/emotional damage is more likely to happen if things go wrong....but for me, i KNOW i could NEVER go back to a vanilla relationship

[DowntownAmber]

This is a little bit of an odd question... It is not a specific thing or feeling that makes a relationship deep, it is a compatible set of specifics shared between two people that make the relationship deep for them.

Yes, BDSM is a part of my life and submission an aspect of my personality - the trust required to practice it with my partner is a draw for me and deepens my connection with that partner. However, my BDSM relationship is no deeper or more meaningful than the partnership of my neighbors, who bond over their mutual spiritual beliefs.

Vanilla may seem shallow and unfufilling when you're the lone BDSM'er in the couple, but BDSM can seem as equally shallow to a person whose soul is touched by another writer, or a musician, or someone who simply shares the same family values.

No set of values or traits are deeper than another all on their own - the depth of a relationship is measured by how far into our hearts we can take our partners with us, and how far we can travel into theirs.

[rsjankowski]

i think it's simply put, more trusting, respectful, and loving

[BrightFyrefly]

Havin been in a long term vanilla relationship, I know that it is hard to know if you can trust your partner. No matter how long you have been together, there are little things that bring up mistrust and negetivity between each other. In my long term m/s relationship, I put ALL of my trust in my Master. I do it every time he wraps his hands around my throat, every time he tells me to cum for him. That level of trust is something that, while some people may be able to find it (and congrats if you have), I have never seen it in a vanilla relationship.

[denuseri]

There is no greater love than the slave to her owner. Bound by more than just his will. The passion of the kajira for her owner is absolute. She is more than just property and can do no less than give of herself to him everything.

Many say the free woman is incabable of love as the slave loves.

Only the slave is completely open to her owner in all ways, there are no secrets, no hidden desires, she is naked before Him in all. She bares forth her essence to him in everything, and he deepens her servitude with his strength over her, for she is his most cherished property.In this the slave has nothing but utter trust and total devotion to her owner. Even her own deepest fears must be put aside to please her owners desires. No free woman can truely give this much of herself. It is something truely rare in the world.

[angela_shy]

it depends on the individuals of course lol

[angela_shy]

This is a little bit of an odd question... It is not a specific thing or feeling that makes a relationship deep, it is a compatible set of specifics shared between two people that make the relationship deep for them.

Yes, BDSM is a part of my life and submission an aspect of my personality - the trust required to practice it with my partner is a draw for me and deepens my connection with that partner. However, my BDSM relationship is no deeper or more meaningful than the partnership of my neighbors, who bond over their mutual spiritual beliefs.

Vanilla may seem shallow and unfufilling when you're the lone BDSM'er in the couple, but BDSM can seem as equally shallow to a person whose soul is touched by another writer, or a musician, or someone who simply shares the same family values.

No set of values or traits are deeper than another all on their own - the depth of a relationship is measured by how far into our hearts we can take our partners with us, and how far we can travel into theirs.

very well said

[voxelectronica]

I would love to sit here and echo what most have said but i can not. If vanilla relationships were equally as strong or connected as M/s relationship then why do i always try to make vanilla relationships M/s relationships? Why do i always pick people who would seem open to the idea of being either Top or bottom and then coaching them into that role? Why am i constantly disappointed and filled with such a strong longing?

I'm happy serving or being served. I feel MORE for some random sub i fuck. I feel MORE for that guy who figured out my secret and got demanding. Even if it's just one night, even if it's just a fling. I feel more for them than i do for any vanilla relationship. If anyone has heard the Yeah Yeah Yeah's song "Maps"... it feels like that song for me. "Lay off;
Don’t stress;
Well, my kind's,your kind...

Wait! They don’t love you like I love you"

[jesperi]

I would love to sit here and echo what most have said but i can not. If vanilla relationships were equally as strong or connected as M/s relationship then why do i always try to make vanilla relationships M/s relationships? Why do i always pick people who would seem open to the idea of being either Top or bottom and then coaching them into that role? Why am i constantly disappointed and filled with such a strong longing?

I'm happy serving or being served. I feel MORE for some random sub i fuck. I feel MORE for that guy who figured out my secret and got demanding. Even if it's just one night, even if it's just a fling. I feel more for them than i do for any vanilla relationship. If anyone has heard the Yeah Yeah Yeah's song "Maps"... it feels like that song for me. "Lay off;
Don’t stress;
Well, my kind's,your kind...

Wait! They don’t love you like I love you"

While that works for you and you should be quite pleased that it does, I don't believe that it can then be said as a blanket statement that M/s relationships are deeper or more meaningful than Vanilla relationships. It just means that you can't find that deep and meaningful connection you are looking for in such a vanilla context... and that's perfectly fine.

The exact same traits that make an M/s relationship deep and meaningful can also be present in a completely vanilla relationship. All the trust and communication that should exist in a health M/s relationship can also be completely present in a relationship that isn't. The same foundations that make any relationship solid and secure (things like trust, honesty, communication) should be present in both. I don't think there is anything inherent in one or the other.

I think it just boils down to different things work for different people.

-Geoff

[voxelectronica]

That's why i said *I* would love to echo the comments before me. I would. I would love to feel that connection with people in a vanilla fashion. I simply don't. (here's some more I statements). I feel as if vanilla people are on the outside looking in or that I'm doing that. When I'm at some Vanilla party i would rather be at a BDSM club. When I'm having vanilla sex I think about BDSM. It is in it's clinical sense a fetish. It is something that must be present in order for me to achieve orgasm or even simple arousal.

It always seems that there is a part of me I'm suppressing. Like I'm giving something up that shouldn't be ignored. Being in a vanilla relationship for me is as if someone asked me to stop breathing. As if I'm a fish and they are a bird.

I've tried them both a million times and i can't get my Masters or my subs out of my head. The 4 year vanilla relationship: I'm over it. The 3 month M/s fling? Can't get it out of my head sometimes.

I feel as if sharing a secret (it seems to always be a secret irl) has connected us in a way that I can't find in a vanilla relationship. So many secret looks, seceret glances, secret meanings. Even when i have understandings or connections in vanilla relationships I feel as if they are that of a (almost distant) sibling and not of that of a lover. Even when i have that deep intimacy, it isn't the same.

I pose this question though.... Of the people who answered that a Vanilla relationship can hold the same weight... how many of you had their first relationship be vanilla?

My first relationship was M/s.

[fallenangel42]

Surely it depends on the individual relationship above anything else. My current relationship (D/s) is the closest i have ever known, although that is because of the love between us as much as the intimacy and trust inherent in domination. That said, my previous relationship was (for the most part) vanilla - we were also extremely (even sickeningly) close and in love for a long time.


There are plenty couples, vanilla and otherwise, who simply 'go through the motions' without any real closeness, for whatever reason - be it sexual need, companionship or habit. In such cases, no amount of whips and chains can forge an emotional connection.

I truly believe that a real emotional connection - call it love, call it what you will - should be one that persists through M/s, D/s or vanilla and is based on something a little deeper

[ash_DREAMING]

Vanilla can be nice... But I think M/s relationships are MUCH better. There's a level of trust between a Master and a slave that there isn't between two "partners".

[DowntownAmber]

Vanilla can be nice... But I think M/s relationships are MUCH better. There's a level of trust between a Master and a slave that there isn't between two "partners".

That seems to be painting vanilla partnerships with a pretty broad brush stroke.

For many D/s and M/s couples, what it is that we do is an expression of and a manifestation of the trust that we have as partners, the activities are not what gives birth to the trust. Yes, we do "trust" that our Doms and Masters keep us safe from physical harm when we play, and safe with others at a play party etc., but technically a vanilla partner does the same thing by simply not exposing his significant other to those "dangers."

You're right, there is a "level" of trust between a Master and a slave that isn't there between two vanilla partners - there is plenty that vanilla folks don't have to worry about in regards to each other, but that doesn't mean that level of trust is any better or deeper. It's simply a different level.

Maybe I am misinterpreting your comment, but I still think each couple will defer to the things that are most important to them.