What kind of questions...

[Zarine13]

What kinds of questions do you ask those prospective Doms you speak to?

I keep hearing "ask tough questions"

What kind of tough questions?

[Ozme52]

I'll just listen in. Pick up a few pointers. ;)

[DIXIE LASS]

What kinds of questions do you ask those prospective Doms you speak to?

I keep hearing "ask tough questions"

What kind of tough questions?

Jeez, I can't get them to answer easy questions, much less "tough ones". I think 999 out of a 1000 of these guys are deaf and dumb. "ok, lol, hmmm. <grin>, huh, yep, grunt, no, I see, growl, ummm". I swear by all that's holy that this is the sum total of their verbal skills. Trying to have a conversation with them is worse that pulling hen's teeth.

DIXIE

[Zarine13]

lmao Dixie!!!

I have to agree with some of them, yeah thats true!

[Kevin100]

Jeez, I can't get them to answer easy questions, much less "tough ones". I think 999 out of a 1000 of these guys are deaf and dumb. "ok, lol, hmmm. <grin>, huh, yep, grunt, no, I see, growl, ummm". I swear by all that's holy that this is the sum total of their verbal skills. Trying to have a conversation with them is worse that pulling hen's teeth.

DIXIE

You forgot the expletives.

Nice anyway
Kevin

[jeanne]

Some questions to ask a Dom...hmmmm.

Okay, I'll give this a shot.

1. What other relationships are you currently involved in, and to what extent?
2. What is it you are looking for from me?
3. Why me? (Pay close attention to this answer. I just recently realized that a Dom I was spending time with only saw me as a 'challenge' - and he verbalized that in our negotiation and I didn't listen closely enough to understand that that's ALL I WAS to him.)
4. Tell me about some of your previous BDSM experiences. One good one and one bad one.
5. Give me the names of two references who know you well. This doesn't have to be 'kinky people' - some folks are very private and don't play in public and aren't involved in 'the scene'.

That's all I can think of. So much of it is instinct. Listen to your gut. Watch body language. Hear what the Dom/me is saying, really. (Not just that lovely voice that's making you all wet. ;) )

And have fun. It's supposed to be fun, after all. :)

[leah06]

I find that hearing about his other relationships can be very revealing. Not just with other women, although hearing about the ex-girlfriend/previous sub/first wife can be pretty useful, but also his relationship with his kids, with his parents, with co-workers. One guy that I liked a lot, in retrospect, gave me quite a bit of info about himself that I might have paid attention to - very judgmental about co-workers, not thoughtful of his parents, selfish with the ex-girlfriend. No one thing would have been enough to raise red flags - it wasn't pathological - but when you put them together it was a pattern.

[voxelectronica]

not thoughtful of his parents,

In my personal life experience i will NEVER EVER be with someone who is not thoughtful of his parents. ESPECIALLY his mother.

I have often just said "so tell me about your mother" in early stages of relationships.

I think the other thing that is important here is to listen to the questions they ask you.

I'm sorry to hear all the people who have said that Dom's aren't good question answerers. I actually love questions. They speak volumes about what someone knows or where they are coming from.

[Euryleia]

Here are some:

1) What are your sexual experiences as a Dominant? How many previous partners and how long have your relationships last?

2) Why did your last submissive leave? Do you stay in contact with them? May I contact them for a reference?

3) When you have been told, or discovered for yourself, a problem in the performance of your submissive, what do you typically do?

4) If you told me to do something which I have a problem with, how would you react?

5) Have you ever hit anyone in anger or been told that you have anger issues?

6) Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone too far or gotten out of control? Please tell me about it.

7) Do you have any emotional issues that I should know about? What about medical conditions that might affect your performance?

8) What are some things frustrate you the most? How do you usually cope with them?

9) Have you ever been convicted of anything or been a party to a lawsuit? Has anyone put out a restraining order on you?

10) What level of control will you assert over my body, both inside and outside of our sessions? Will I be expected to cum on demand?

11) How active is your social life? Will I be expected to attend public events with you? Will I be expected to meet/entertain your friends, colleagues, or family?

12) Have you been tested for STD’s since your last sexual encounter? How long ago was that? Would you go with me for us to get tested together?

[Euryleia]

Here are a couple:

1) What are your sexual experiences as a Dominant? How many previous partners and how long have your relationships last?

2) Why did your last submissive leave? Do you stay in contact with them? May I contact them for a reference?

3) If you told me to do something which I have a problem with, how would you react?

4) Have you ever hit anyone in anger or been told that you have anger issues?

5) Have you ever been in a scene where things have gone too far or gotten out of control? Please tell me about it.

6) Do you have any emotional issues that I should know about? What about medical conditions that might affect your performance?

7) Have you ever been convicted of anything or been a party to a lawsuit? Has anyone put out a restraining order on you?

8) What level of control will you assert over my body, both inside and outside of our sessions? Will I be expected to cum on demand?

9) How active is your social life? Will I be expected to attend public events with you? Will I be expected to meet/entertain your friends, colleagues, or family?

10) Have you been tested for STD’s since your last sexual encounter? How long ago was that? Would you go with me for us to get tested together?

[thrall]

and to go both of the above...

Eurylia you read my mind sometimes.....lol

Do you drink and/or use drugs?.....do you play when impaired?
Do you respect limits??...or are you going to test them??
Have you ever taken someone you were scening with to the hospital.........and why?

and here is a good one.....and don't think its a strange question....its a HARD question....


Have you ever raped someone???



and im not talking about something consensual....

[leah06]

You know, I feel ambivalent about some of these proposed questions. All of these would be good things to know, but whether the best way to get the answers is to ask all of the questions, I'm not sure. I want to tread a fine line here - I'm all for safety, I believe in protecting yourself, I know that terrible things happen to people. But. I'm not sure that it is necessary or even helpful to ask things in a bdsm context that you wouldn't ask in a vanilla context. There are plenty of spouse abusers, rapists, people with emotional problems and anger management problems in the vanilla world, and we have to protect ourselves in prudent ways. I think the most helpful is paying attention and trusting your instincts, but whatever else you would do in the vanilla world - run a criminal background check? I'm not entirely sure - I guess it would be wise to do that in a bdsm context as well.

But asking about these things directly seems to me to be counter-productive. A true rapist/abuser/person with issues probably isn't going to share that info with you anyway, and if they're good at what they do, they'll disguise it as long as possible. And the rest are going to be puzzled at best as to why you're thinking of spending serious time with them if you think the answers to these questions might be yes.

Here's an example - I won't drive men in my car. I'd rather go to someone's home, after making a safe call, than take a stranger in my car. And I've been on dates where we met somewhere - not a meet-and-greet, but a real date - and after the theater, or dinner, or whatever, it emerges that I drove and he took a cab. And he'll sometimes ask for a ride. And I won't. And it's awkward. The reason it's awkward is that HE knows he's not planning to abduct me and he can't quite understand why I don't know that also. These are perfectly nice men. I can only imagine how they would take to being asked about mail fraud, or war crimes. And, to be honest, I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to be asked those questions myself.

[Zarine13]

Some of these things are ones Ive asked already (in my own way) and some are things I wouldn't feel comfortable asking until I got to know them a bit better.

I have to agree with Rachel, I'm not even sure I could ever come up with a tactful way to ask if they had raped someone.

Either way I appreciate all of the feedback and I hope this will help some other newbies as well.

(going off topic here a bit) I wouldn't understand a rapist participating on this type of forum, not saying they wont, or even dont, it just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you force yourself on someone who gets off on it? Rape is about power and making the other person give up that power. Isn't that (kind of) why we are here?

[leah06]

(going off topic here a bit) I wouldn't understand a rapist participating on this type of forum, not saying they wont, or even dont, it just doesn't make sense to me. Why would you force yourself on someone who gets off on it? Rape is about power and making the other person give up that power. Isn't that (kind of) why we are here?

No, it's not. We're here to cede power, under negotiated circumstances, to people we choose. Rape fantasy and the reality of rape are entirely different things.

[Zarine13]

I think you misunderstand me.

I know there is a difference between playing out a fantasy and having the real thing happen. There is a HUGE difference between forced and voluntary. That was not what I was saying at all.

What I was saying was that the difference between those that would dream of submitting to that fantasy and those that are horrified by it are so vastly different, that a rapist taking pickings out of a submissive community makes no sense to me.

[thrall]

oh trust me.....they are out there.

you must understand the question........

you are asking someone if they have gone past a safeword........gone past the point of... no......

now think about it.....your in a scene.....and you safeword out.....you say no.......anything past that point can be construed as.......rape.

now.....all this being said.........for all of the questions you may ask......

make no mistake........there will ALWAYS BE LIARS

[leah06]

I think you misunderstand me.

I know there is a difference between playing out a fantasy and having the real thing happen. There is a HUGE difference between forced and voluntary. That was not what I was saying at all.

What I was saying was that the difference between those that would dream of submitting to that fantasy and those that are horrified by it are so vastly different, that a rapist taking pickings out of a submissive community makes no sense to me.

I'm so sorry. I don't think I've ever directly disagreed with someone on here, and I wouldn't do it now except that this is so important to me. I'm not telling you what you feel, or what other people feel, but for myself - and I do believe for many other people - it is possible to "dream of submitting to that fantasy" AND be "horrified" by the idea of the reality. And the idea, totally mistaken in my opinion, that a rapist would somehow skip over the bdsm community as being too close to his own mindset, is very disturbing to me. I don't believe that there is ANY relevant connection between bdsm and the reality of rape, any more than I believe there is a relevant connection between bdsm and the reality of torture.

Historically, there have been too many categories of women who have been afforded unequal protection against the crime of rape - wives could not be conjugally raped, a prostitute could not be raped (it was "theft of services"), women who were perceived as unchaste were either disbelieved or simply considered to have deserved it - and I don't like to see, even by implication, ANY group of women shuttled into that category for ANY reason. I know this was not your intention, but dividing women into two categories - those who fantasize about rape and those who are horrified by the idea - I think plays into that very damaging mindset.

I'm so sorry to be confrontational about this. I'm addressing the idea that was raised and not anyone personally. I really hope, though, that this post is taken seriously.

[voxelectronica]

I'm just going to jump on into this one because my hands are not dirty enough with debate tonight.

I think there are two different things being discussed here. I may be wrong but ya never know.

It sounds like Zarine13 is talking about a rapist. Someone who is specifically looking to rape women and who has a history of doing so. I agree that I don't see someone with that intent looking for his next victim on a board that has people who willingly want to play the victim or who would give up control voluntarily.

What thrall is bringing up is rape (I'm not saying that it isn't) but it's an unplanned situational rape.

I've debated on rather or not to use a real life example and decided to go with it so excuse the length of this.

One night I called my best friend up after a hard week of work. My boyfriend at the time was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. My friend and i went out and had a few...million drinks. My friend said he couldn't drive so we got a hotel room. Now what happened after that was by all means rape. One thing led to another and the end result was me being found by my online bank statements and of course the cops having to come out. There was a very dramatic scene with my boyfriend and that was that.

Now my friend had plenty of opportunities to do a number of things to me at any time. Like when i was drugged out of my mind for wisdom teeth removal. Or when he was dragging me out of a club and sleeping in his car. Why that time? Well he got the wrong idea. We were drunk. I hadn't properly explained why my boyfriend wasn't with us and i had admitted some rape fantasies to him (which i knew he shared).

Do I think he's a danger to anyone? No.

Do I think he needs to tell people about this? No.

He's not a rapist. He did engage in a one time situational rape. I'm not saying that everyone who does this should be let off the hook. I'm saying that I did drop all charges and I did make sure my boyfriend couldn't find him.

So I think that in order to speak about this we need to define what we are talking about because someone who answers yes that they have engaged in situational rape isn't a definitive "never talk to" and someone who says they haven't could easily be lying. At some point everyone takes things a bit to far. Sometimes that's how we learn.

[Zarine13]

I'm so sorry. I don't think I've ever directly disagreed with someone on here, and I wouldn't do it now except that this is so important to me. I'm not telling you what you feel, or what other people feel, but for myself - and I do believe for many other people - it is possible to "dream of submitting to that fantasy" AND be "horrified" by the idea of the reality. And the idea, totally mistaken in my opinion, that a rapist would somehow skip over the bdsm community as being too close to his own mindset, is very disturbing to me. I don't believe that there is ANY relevant connection between bdsm and the reality of rape, any more than I believe there is a relevant connection between bdsm and the reality of torture.

Historically, there have been too many categories of women who have been afforded unequal protection against the crime of rape - wives could not be conjugally raped, a prostitute could not be raped (it was "theft of services"), women who were perceived as unchaste were either disbelieved or simply considered to have deserved it - and I don't like to see, even by implication, ANY group of women shuttled into that category for ANY reason. I know this was not your intention, but dividing women into two categories - those who fantasize about rape and those who are horrified by the idea - I think plays into that very damaging mindset.

I'm so sorry to be confrontational about this. I'm addressing the idea that was raised and not anyone personally. I really hope, though, that this post is taken seriously.
Rachel, you'll have to forgive me here, I'm not as good at getting my thoughts into print as you are.

I totally agree with you. What I was saying was not what Thrall was saying or what you are thinking. I agree there is a difference between the fantasy and the real thing, and it's possible to have the fantasy while being horrified by the real thing. I was thinking traditional, hide in the bushes, jump out and grab a woman rapist. To be that kind of rapist in this kind of community doesn't compute with me (again, not saying it isn't possible).

Now I *can* see how Thrall's example would work.

voxelectronica was right, I think we were talking about two different things, I'm just not as clear with my words as others are :)

[fourmaggie]

gee ladies I find this all so interesting and I want to say thank you for this thread I am so learning and well more is a good thing.....its hard in a vanilla life relationship never mind in a BDSM relationship...that I am learning(just been released) so thank you...

[DowntownAmber]

Some of the suggestions listed above are great. Between jeanne and Euryleia's posts any sub is off to a great start in getting to know a prospective Dom.

I'll add two things to this thread - not specific questions to ask, but a couple things to consider as you're asking. First, ask for clarification on anything that could possibly have more than one meaning. If a Dom describes himself as "poly" for example, ask him to explain to you what that means to him. Does it mean he'll expect you to interact with his other subs, or that he'll have separate relationships with multiple subs? If the answer is the latter, will he tell you about those other relationships? Most of us have a working definition of what BDSM terms mean to us, but don't expect that to be the universal connotation.

Second, if someone is of unscrupulous character to begin with then there's no reason why they would suddenly become upfront just because we subs are asking the right questions. Regardless of how you want to define "rape," for example, I simply don't see anyone that has ever participated in it saying, "sure, I've gone past limits and forced myself on a sub before." Maybe there's an exception of honor among rapists out there, but I wouldn't' base a relationship or even my basic safety on that assumption. Long winded story short - pay attention not only to what is said, but to actions you can confirm and that the prospective Dom can back up. Pay attention to what remains unsaid - questions he dodges or seems uncomfortable with and so on.

[voxelectronica]

I think the most important thing here is that people are finding the right fit for them. Any questions anyone else comes up with will never be as important or reliable as the questions that you make for yourself. To look inside yourself and determine what is right for you and what you're comfortable (or comfortably uncomfortable) with.

[Ozme52]

Perhaps more important than the questions, are the answers, and specifically, the consistancy of the answers.

It's easy to tell the truth, over and over and over and over again. It's harder to be consistent if one is even stretching the truth, because fibs, lies, prevarications, and even exagerations, are always tailored to the immediate goals of the teller of the tales... and keeping all the stories straight, is difficult.

So no matter what questions you ask, in the course of continuing conversations, if you're paying attention, and you see inconsistancies, you're probably not talking to someone worthy of your trust.

[angelic.zest]

I had a Rt date with a protenital Dominant, and he asked me the toughest questions, and i had to acturally take some of the things ive learned here and on other BDSM sites with me on that date and asked him the questions that i needed to get a better understanding of him.

Questions i asked him:

Well i asked him about a relationship he admitted to having, hes not poly but hes in a relationship with a Dominant female so i had to ask about that, and he told me the truth about it, and he was very comfortable about it. His body language was very straight-forward and he didnt seem to try to hide anything.
1. Your in a relationship with a female, why isnt she your submissive?
2. What are you looking for in a submissive? Why would you want me to be that submissive?
3. How involved in the community are you? (rt BDSM community)
4. Are you looking for a long term? Short Term relationship?
5. How do you feel about a poly relationship?
6. Are you into talking with more then one female submissive at a time?

Those were a few questions i asked him, mines were more geared towards him being a presenter, a proformer in the BDSM community. As i stated at the top, that his questions were pretty tough, and i had to answer them and i learned something about myself and i made a really good impression with him :). Anyway as Oz stated its more in the answers and the consistancy of the answers. That shows if hes telling you the truth, comfortable with interview like questions and body language!