Just confused...

[fetishdj]

Things have got a little wierd recently. Not sure what is going on. I suppose I had better explain...

On Facebook earlier this year I met a woman who I talked to a lot online. Didn't know she was anything to do with BDSM at the time, just liked talking to her. We got on really well and started sharing a lot of private things. At the time we were both married (I still am, she isn't, long story and not mine to share) and simply enjoying having someone to talk to who shared interests. During the course of our talks I discovered that she was practising BDSM to an extent. She was polyamourous with her husband and had several subs who she played with online. She already knew I was involved in the scene to an extent and that I was a sub. So, almost inevitably, we ended up doing a couple of cam sessions. There has been no formal arrangement made - I am still married and not looking for another relationship she is seperated but seeing other men on a long term occasionally vanilla basis - but I can feel it slipping more and more into a 'Domme/sub relationship' that is more than 'just occasional play'

Am I reading too much into this? Is there something I should do about it? If I talked to her, am I likely to scare her away and ruin the friendship? I suppose it is the age-old dilemma but with a BDSM twist... which is more important - the BDSM or the friendship? Or is is possible to have both?

Just curious to see what you all think out there...

[DowntownAmber]

Couple things that jump out at me, and a couple questions...


There has been no formal arrangement made - I am still married and not looking for another relationship...

Sounds like you're already in one. Maybe not formally, but cam sessions of a BDSM nature on top of a good friendship do hint at something above and beyond casual. That's fine as she is poly and apparently you are too, but it might be time to clarify if you're "just confused."


Am I reading too much into this? Is there something I should do about it? If I talked to her, am I likely to scare her away and ruin the friendship?

Goodness, what are you planning on saying or doing that's going to scare her so bad? This is a woman that is open enough to session with you, but talking abou it is going to make things weird?


I suppose it is the age-old dilemma but with a BDSM twist... which is more important - the BDSM or the friendship? Or is is possible to have both?

I personally won't have the BDSM unless there's both - no reason why it can't happen, I would say. In fact, it looks like it already has.

[fetishdj]

I can see your points... thanks for putting a few things straight.

Now, personally I agree with you on the friendship thing but I am not sure on her opinion yet. Despite the fact that we seem to know each other really well (despite only knowing each other a few months) we really have not known each other at all for very long or even in any real life situation.

Ok, you say I am already in a relationship with her and I can see where you are coming from on that. However, I am worried that making this formal would be too much for either of us, certainly not at this early stage. Its something to think about anyway and thanks again for your input.

[DowntownAmber]

Maybe it's not an issue of making it formal, per se, but an issue of worrying that if you start messing with a good thing that evolved very organically you'll wreck the natural progression of it? I certainly understand that some things "just happen" and the "don't fix it if it ain't broke" mentality, which I think there may be a touch of here.

If that's the case, roll with it and keep it casual until the time where boundaries that aren't defined become dangerous. Doesn't sound like you're at that point yet.

Best of luck!

[leah06]

Fetishdj, I always love your posts and find them to be very wise. In this case, I wonder what exactly you would talk with her about? It might be better to have some sense of what you are concerned about and where you fall if a choice needs to be made - would you choose the friendship over the D/s, or vice versa? I'm not saying a choice needs to be made, but as you say, it might come to that and before you start asking questions you need to be sure that you are ready to hear the answers.

It's possible that the situation just has you agitated, and there's a natural inclination to rush to have certainty, any certainty, rather than put up with uncertainty. I think this inclination is best resisted. This is not IMHO, but in my experience.

[fetishdj]

What you have both said makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

[jeanne]

Sometimes it's so hard to just let a relationship be what it is. As submissives, we are much more comfortable when we know our 'place' in someone's life with certainty.

I don't have any great advice, except take a deep breath and enjoy yourself. It sounds as if the interactions are very nice for both of you.

[BelovedPet]

To me it sounds like you are uncomfortable with some aspect of the relationship. If it were me, I'd want to figure out what was making me uncomfortable because then I could decide what to do about it. Are you feeling like she is wanting more from you than you want to give? Do you miss the friendship and feel like you are more in D/s relationship than you want to be? Is it just a new relationship and you are getting your bearings? Once you know what exactly is bothering you, you can work on a solution.

My $0.02.

b

[fetishdj]

Hmmm, don't *think* I am uncomfortable at the moment. Though I may get that way at some point, I suppose. I suppose I am just trying to control things because I do like to be in control (depsite being a sub... its one reason why I like to be submissive, I can trust someone else to control all) and being able to see the future is one aspect of control I like. I like to know how things are going to go.

So, not uncomfortable yet but I suppose it may get that way which is why I want to preempt things. Maybe I am being overly controlling and need to just let things take thier course for a while without trying to interfere...