As a sub, how do you say no respectfully?

[BelovedPet]

Sir gave me a task that I did not want to do. He directed me to masturbate in front of him for thirty minutes with various toys while he watched me and had his morning coffee. I can appreciate wanting to have such a show as I love watching people masturbate, but I feel very uncomfortable being focused on like that. I would not have enjoyed myself at all, I would have felt very badly about not doing a good job because I felt so uncomfortable, and thirty minutes is a looooooong time for something like that. I probably would have ended up crying and being very upset. Masturbating is not a hard limit for me, but crying during sex is.

I refused to do the task in a very poor manner and have been duly punished. What is a good way to express my feelings about a task while being respectful? I would have been willing to start off with baby steps - like masturbating with one toy for five minutes and work up to what he wanted over time. How do I say that without 'topping from the bottom' as Sir put it?

Thanks!

b

[fetishdj]

I feel this may have been something you needed to have discussed in negotiations - a clear set of guidelines as to how you communicate such feelings to each other. It could be, for example, that you agree that you cannot refuse any task so long as it does not break a hard limit but that you are allowed to express how much you did not like it during a defined afterplay moment. You could also agree that you can refuse a task but your Master must them assign a punishment for not completing that task which must be something you will do but is in some way as bad as or worse than the original task you refused. Maybe, for example, not completing the task will lead to a set period of cum restriction or a certain number of hits with a whip or sitting in the corner balancing two books on your hands. Something you will do but may not like too much. If these things are set in advance then situaitons like this are easier because you, as teh sub, know your boundaries. You know that you can refuse and what the penalty is or that you cannot refuse but you will be able to talk about it later.

You may also have got away with trying to negotiate there and then. Maybe suggesting the small steps and then offering an extra task that is punishment for you or pleasure for him. This, of course, would always depend on the exact dynamic between you and your Master as no relationship is the same.

[Pearlgem]

Sir gave me a task that I did not want to do. He directed me to masturbate in front of him for thirty minutes with various toys while he watched me and had his morning coffee. I can appreciate wanting to have such a show as I love watching people masturbate, but I feel very uncomfortable being focused on like that. I would not have enjoyed myself at all, I would have felt very badly about not doing a good job because I felt so uncomfortable, and thirty minutes is a looooooong time for something like that. I probably would have ended up crying and being very upset. Masturbating is not a hard limit for me, but crying during sex is.

I refused to do the task in a very poor manner and have been duly punished. What is a good way to express my feelings about a task while being respectful? I would have been willing to start off with baby steps - like masturbating with one toy for five minutes and work up to what he wanted over time. How do I say that without 'topping from the bottom' as Sir put it?

Thanks!

A very good question, Beloved. I immediately cast my mind back to any time I said no to my Master and the dynamics of it. I have refused hard, painful things (canings) by actually walking out of the room. My Master gave me a little time to compose myself, followed me, we talked about it and I was able to eventually go back. I wasn't punished for my manner of refusal but we've since made sure between us that it wouldn't happen like that again. I know to respectfully beg him for help if I need it now and he does help me. We both much prefer this dynamic.

I've also refused him things when I got emotionally overwhelmed and needed to stop. However, I have a tendency towards emotional outburst that I used to think entirely justified if that's the depth of what I felt. I have exaggerated my distress in the past, knowing once blurted out I shouldn't have spoken to him like that, but my Master understands me very well and doesn't allow me to use strong (usually inappropriate vanilla) feelings as an excuse for disrespectful address. So he'll deal appropriately with the underlying emotions but still punish me later for the way I spoke to him. I used to think this grossly unfair but I see the difference now.

I have learned through painful experience that the best way to say no, (which is really just expressing a particular difficulty over something you should be able to do - not a hard limit) is not to repress any feelings of discomfort or unease but to express them honestly and respectfully as they arise. "Please Sir, I would find what you ask very difficult to do. I find the idea very distressing." The whole point of a BDSM interchange is that the Dom knows where the sub is at. Don't blurt your feelings out - be respectful but don't let resentment build up. Why not respectfully suggest to him a way of doing it you think you could handle? But it's your Dom's decision in the end. (You claim a hard limit on this but it may not have come to that and presumably you could stop if it happened. Your Dom may have been very pleased with the effort you made to obey him. He would have seen for himself your difficulties and perhaps had the opportunity to learn something valuable about his control of you that would otherwise be missed. Just a thought. Apologies if it's not appropriate.)

Any time I express myself to my Master 'in a very poor manner' at least I know it immediately and it's up to me whether I apologise for it right away or go on stubbornly digging that particular hole, knowing I'll pay for it later.

[AdrianaAurora]

Been there, done that, :cool:.

Such good answers above, I just threw a mother of all temper tantrums, lol.

It was one of the first things my Husband had set out to "destroy" within me - my sense of propriety and embarrassment - to make it clear that there would no such barriers between us.

Care to guess what method He choose to accomplish that?

If you answered, ordering me to strip and masturbate in front of Him whenever it hit His fancy, get yourself a brownie. :)

To answer your original question, asking for a time out or asking to talk about it with him (some time) after session might be helpful. Ask Him what purpose it serves, what it is he is trying to accomplish? Tell him how hard you find it to do, then talk about why. Ask him if he would be so kind to take it slow next time, and to be more encouraging.

What helped me was Him giving me compliments, telling me how pleased He is, how much I please Him, how much He likes it, how good I look - and most importantly, making it clear that He will respect me in the morning. As long as it was clear that He gets that I am not really a slut, I had no problem playing/being His slut.

Stripping got easier as familiarity and trust grew. Masturbating in front of Him, it stil makes me cringe a little, but mostly because I find it so boring and because I never found it to be something special so I am always lost as to what to actually do - its much easier when He gives me orders what to do, I even find it a turn on to perform for Him then. Exposing yourself and your vulnerability, giving away your pride - it is the hardest part about submission. Thankfully Himself seems to have tired of that game on a regular basis.

Good luck,
Adriana

[Arria]

Very good answer, AdrianaAurora. I agree in all aspects. And I also think it must be boring, because I am not into toys, so with me it´s 2 % handwork and 98 % thoughts in my head that nobody can see. *laughs*

[devilishsub]

"Please Sir, I would find what you ask very difficult to do. I find the idea very distressing." The whole point of a BDSM interchange is that the Dom knows where the sub is at. Don't blurt your feelings out - be respectful but don't let resentment build up. Why not respectfully suggest to him a way of doing it you think you could handle?

Couldn't have said it better myself. The only addition I could make is my Master expects an explanation for my refusal. If it's reasonable, he alters the task. Depending on what it is he'll offer his reasoning as to why he wants it done.

[Ozme52]

Interesting responses. Perhaps it's a question you should also post in an equivalent dominant thread, get some of our responses. ;)

[damyanti]

Interesting responses. Perhaps it's a question you should also post in an equivalent dominant thread, get some of our responses. ;)

Well since you were already here...sheesh...men!

Dominants can post on this thread too, you know, :blurp_ani.

;)

[BelovedPet]

Well since you were already here...sheesh...men!

Dominants can post on this thread too, you know, :blurp_ani.

;)

Lol! My thoughts exactly, but I aim to please so I'll go ahead and post in the Dungeon as well.

b

[suejean]

i probably should not be opening my mouth so soon after joining, but i'm going to anyway, sorry. Basically if a relationship doesn't suit you well enough walk out of it, be tough on yourself, if your needs aren't met, get out. You need to negotiate and agree limits and ,em, themes?:dunno:

A dom/me who is for example into sharing you might well not suit a sub seeking someone into intimate fantasy play (a rubbish example, sorry.) point is don't be a slapper wait for one u really get on with, don't just go with anyone. If it doesn't ring your bell, leave the relationship. Sorry, suejean

[Ozme52]

Well since you were already here...sheesh...men!

Dominants can post on this thread too, you know, :blurp_ani.

;)

Actually... it says "Role Specific Q & A" ;)

[blossom]

this may not help, but its somethin that works for us.

like everyone else i have a safe word to stop whats going on, but i also have a safe word that means either 'slow down' or 'to much'.

i find this so easy and it works realy well for us

[BelovedPet]

i probably should not be opening my mouth so soon after joining, but i'm going to anyway, sorry. Basically if a relationship doesn't suit you well enough walk out of it, be tough on yourself, if your needs aren't met, get out. You need to negotiate and agree limits and ,em, themes?:dunno:

A dom/me who is for example into sharing you might well not suit a sub seeking someone into intimate fantasy play (a rubbish example, sorry.) point is don't be a slapper wait for one u really get on with, don't just go with anyone. If it doesn't ring your bell, leave the relationship. Sorry, suejean

Thanks suejean, but it's not that serious of an issue. We're happily married and plan on staying that way, we just hit a little bump in the road. Welcome to the library and keep posting.

b

[Flaming_Redhead]

What is a good way to express my feelings about a task while being respectful?

Umm...I'm probably not the best person to respond to this, but I'm going to anyway. *grins* I have yet to discover a "good" way. Just the other day, VoodooMan and I were discussing (via text message) the rope I got him and the fact that his new truck has these nifty tie-down thingies. I immediately said that it was too cold to do outdoor bondage and that we'd have to wait until it was warm. He pointed out that I was trying to have things *my* way, like I was placing an order at Burger King or something. So I gave it my best shot with "But....but....it's COLD! Can't we just go to the dungeon instead?" *ggls* All I got from him was, "You're doing it again." *smiles* When I gave in and said that we'd do it *his* way, in the cold, he pointed out that he's never done anything horrendous, which is true. His "innocent look" doesn't fool me, though.

Anyway, the point of my rambling is this. You can express yourself all you want, good, bad, or ugly. Just don't be surprised if he ignores your protests and suggestions. After all, how much respect would you have for him if you were able to talk your way out of doing everything you don't want to do?

This isn't Burger King. You don't get it *your* way. You get it MY way, or you don't get the damn thing!

[Ozme52]

Learn to embrace the bumps in the road... they lead to the ever expansion of your boundaries... in mutually fun and enlightening ways.

As asked, I'll add...

Next time, try. The various blocks you mentioned were magnified by the 30 minutes... and perhaps 5 minutes, or even 1 minute would have sufficed as an initial attempt... especially if you had begged a boon to not have to finish or to submit yourself for chastisment or punishment because you couldn't continue.

You might have learned that he was satisfied with the attempt. You might have learned that he expected you to fall short and had evil and wicked "next steps" in mind. How can your master train you if you don't try and fail.

And that doesn't mean of course, to fail on purpose. That provides us no pleasure and we usually can tell. No... part of our motivation for asking the difficult is indeed to see you try for us.

And clearly, trying, even failing, and begging to be forgiven for failing, in no way constitutes topping.

PS. I'm not suggesting this for hard limits... However don't suggest an alternative in-scene. Save that conversation for later. Just safeword out of it and move on.

[Ozme52]

This isn't Burger King. You don't get it *your* way. You get it MY way, or you don't get the damn thing!

Not even if all you want is some extra pickle!! :dont:


:rolleyes:


:D

[tessa]

I have learned through painful experience that the best way to say no, (which is really just expressing a particular difficulty over something you should be able to do - not a hard limit) is not to repress any feelings of discomfort or unease but to express them honestly and respectfully as they arise.
Yes! This exactly. No game playing, no bull crap- just open and honest communication. It works so well, yet not utilized nearly as much as it needs to be. Why is that? :confused:


The whole point of a BDSM interchange is that the Dom knows where the sub is at...

...so they can both become more with each other.

(I'm really hoping it's okay that I added to your brilliantly stated idea, Pearlgem?) :).

[Pearlgem]

(I'm really hoping it's okay that I added to your brilliantly stated idea, Pearlgem?) :)

An honour, tessa, thank you. x x