personal space

[cambr1dge]

A few weeks ago I met with a Dom for dinner after talking with him for a few days online (for those of you who's red flags are popping up, He was a former Dom of a girlfriend of mine, and I only heard positive things about him, and I met him in a public place)
but anyways, dinner was very nice, and the conversation was quite intelligent and we had a diverse number of topics to discuss. But as the evening went on, the conversation turned to me. I do struggle with a certain number of boundaries that I put up for my own personal well being, I don't let people get close without knowing them for a certain amount of time. However, he seemed to be intent upon breaking down all of the barriers over dinner. I hadn't known him longer than a week and this was the first time that we had had a dialogue of this length. It seemed though like he was just pushing and not respecting my "no" in regards to my personal boundaries/space. Yes I am a sub, and I truly enjoy submitting/being submissive, but at the same time, i think that respecting a sub's "no" is very important to a good relationship...

I would appreciate any feedback, should I have tried to lowered my barriers? what was the right course of action to take in this situation?

[Euryleia]

I think you were smart to listen to your gut. Your instinct to protect yourself until you know the Dominant better is the right one. There is a time and a place to lower your boundaries--after only a short time of interaction, this wasn't it.

If the Dom/me will not respect your 'no' in a non-sexual discussion in a public forum, how will you be able to trust that they will respect your hard limits when you are bound and gagged?

[Lisais mine]

If the Dom/me will not respect your 'no' in a non-sexual discussion in a public forum, how will you be able to trust that they will respect your hard limits when you are bound and gagged?

very, very true, Euryleia. I know I say it every day, but TRUST!

Cambr1ge, you know what is acceptable to you and what is not. You have these boundaries for a reason- follow your heart

[Ozme52]

It's always interesting how these things work.

Sometimes I meet a sub and never press her in the slightest. Other times, it's a full court press. But even when I am in full go-mode, I offer opportunity after opportunity for her to call a halt.

When I don't press, the relationship rarely goes further. When I do, the chemistry becomes palpable. So even though I'm pushing the boundaries, the results are worth the effort. I haven't been rebuffed for pushing, I guess it's in the approach.

And that said, what is important is that each is pushed to exactly the edge of her personal precipice... and allowed to step over the edge on her own.

[DowntownAmber]

Part of the adorable nature of Doms, to me anyway, is that they push what's comfortable just a ticky. I like a man that is not afraid to question the specifics of what I say or one that probes for more information. Keep me on my toes, please! Verbal sparring is a huge turn on.

As with anyone, however, there are things I do not share until certain levels of trust are reached and when a man, or woman for that matter, hits those levels I do point out that what they're asking about it a topic I need more time with them to feel comfortable before I'll discuss. I make sure that the tone and verbiage I use when telling them this is distinctly different than the banter we've been sharing in a friendly and coy way.

So, I'm curious before I give this prospective Dom the thumbs up or down - was it clear that you were putting the brakes on or could it have been mistaken for sterotypical D/s flirting? Doms want to come off as Domly, after all, and this could be what he assumed you expected. First date and all.

[angela_shy]

And that said, what is important is that each is pushed to exactly the edge of her personal precipice... and allowed to step over the edge on her own.

ooo sends chills...

[Ozme52]

;)

[BelovedPet]

ooo sends chills...

Seriously. That is my favorite place - when I'm falling over the edge, knowing I'm safe and Sir will catch me.

There's nothing better.

b

[cambr1dge]

So, I'm curious before I give this prospective Dom the thumbs up or down - was it clear that you were putting the brakes on or could it have been mistaken for sterotypical D/s flirting? Doms want to come off as Domly, after all, and this could be what he assumed you expected. First date and all.
I think that it was obvious that I was uncomfortable, but I'm not sure. We actually talked about barriers and personal space and I told him I was uncomfortable and his reply was something along the lines of "i'm going to walk through any barrier you put up". At that point I got rather skiddish and he could tell. But he continued to persist.

[lozzy]

I'm sorry to say this, and I hate to make such a snap and harsh decision on someone I've never met, but a reply like that makes him sound rather callous.

On the other hand - maybe he felt like there was already some sort of trust level already there what with the mutual friend...

But in my opinion, if you don't want to answer something on a first date, vanilla or otherwise, then you damnwell shouldn't. It is entirely up to *you* and only you what and who you answer to, and a first date is *never* the appropriate time to be 'breaking barriers'.

[cambr1dge]

What do Dom/me's do as far as barriers and personal space is concerned on a first meeting/date? I would love to hear some different approaches.

[DowntownAmber]

I think that it was obvious that I was uncomfortable, but I'm not sure. We actually talked about barriers and personal space and I told him I was uncomfortable and his reply was something along the lines of "i'm going to walk through any barrier you put up". At that point I got rather skiddish and he could tell. But he continued to persist.

Hmmm. Y'know, I may have been okay with that answer had he added, "I'm going to walk through any barrier you put up eventually." My advice then would have been along the lines of, "give him another chance, even Doms sometimes come off a little strong on a first date." There are a few red flags here, however. Not to the point where I would tell you to can the relationship completely or anything, but set your sights on "just friends" first and leave it at that for awhile. Let him know why, and if he's not cool with that, his loss.

He may very well take a deeper level of intimacy for granted based on your mutual friend (where he knows more about you than you think already, or assumes you know more about him than you do), but he's pursuing a relationship with you, not the three of you so it's a moot point in the end.

Continue to make yourself clear, and proceed with caution!

[usbabe]

From my own experience i would say......listen to your inner voice .......if it says don't go there then don't question yourself. I spent many months talking to a Dom online and he kept pushing me until i gave in and revealed many personal things about myself. In the back of my mind i kept saying....this doesn't feel right.....but i kept going along anyway. So just recently i discovered he had been lying to me about several important things. This just goes to show......if i had listened to the little voice in my head.....i could have saved myself lots of time and heartache.

My best words.......proceed with caution!!!

And .......good luck!!!