Online relationship commitment

[Laila]

First I should say that online relationships never worked for me - but I don't look down it it at all. In fact I always wondered why it just didn't bring the submissiveness out in me - or never for long.

I have been talking to a Dominant online and I like him, he's smart, nice, good head on his shoulders but lives way too far away to consider anything other than something online.
When he mentioned that he might want to ask me to be his online slave I first was quite flattered but hesitant. I remembered my attempts to be one of a few years back - and especially after having made some very intense real life experiences I didn't think it would work for me. And I valued him as someone interesting to talk to.

Then we got to talking about what an online bdsm relationship is and he said something really interesting:

To be a slave to an online Master may lack the physical control he can exert on her, but at the same time that trains and sharpens her commitment to being a slave. Because he/she has much more room to just don't obey or lie etc. If she is to be a good online slave she must be totally committed to that role.

That made me realize why it never worked for me. I'm not. Not committed to being a slave that is. In fact, I am still pretty conflicted about the whole thing and only recently accepted my submissive side as a part of me that is not worth fighting or suppressing.
But if I could change what I like, I think I might.
I am infinitely committed to a Master I love and when I was with my last Master, he hardly ever had reason to punish me because I, don't know, its almost physically impossible to disobey him, to disappoint him... So I figure I am commited to submitting to a special person, not to being a slave itself...

Any thoughts? How is this for you?

[angelic.zest]

Ive had online relationships in the past, and i am currently in one right now. Its working out for us, we talk when we can, call each other when we can and try our best to make it as real for us as possible. Until we are able to meet up in the near future. I guess the level of committment has to be there. It takes alot of committement and dedication to be with someone in a "non-physical" way. I dont rule out the possiblities that things will happen in real time for me, i go out, i socialize in the BDSM community near me, and My Daddy knows it and encourage that i get out.

I say if your not into being someones submissive online, then dont! esepcially if you have had some really intense real time experiences..it wont match, unless there's potiental there that can lead to something more "in the flesh" relationship!

[jeanne]

... So I figure I am commited to submitting to a special person, not to being a slave itself...

Any thoughts? How is this for you?

I'm pretty close to you on this. I am submissive, period. But the thought of being and "online" submissive leaves me cold. As stated below:



I say if your not into being someones submissive online, then dont! esepcially if you have had some really intense real time experiences..it wont match, unless there's potiental there that can lead to something more "in the flesh" relationship!

...I find real-life experiences to be far superior to anything I could imagine online.

[shayna{L_D}]

...I find real-life experiences to be far superior to anything I could imagine online.


I like what you said there jeanne.

I do not rule out online relationships only becuase i know so many people that have made it work. Found there other half on the internet (vanilla or not) and then got married to them, still together and happy as fricken flies on shit

That being said, ive had a few online relationships, one worked out great until he went psycho on me. Thats besides the point. Either way it can work out, if there is open communication and understanding on both ends.

I just recently (within the last two months) ventured offline and had some real BDSM expierences. Like jeanne said, online CANNOT compare to real life, period. It just cant, its a fact. Kissing a man or woman in real life is always going to be better then kissing, say the air, or computer screen. Or getting a beating from your Master is better then giving it to yourself. That being said, does it mean that people that are in online relationships are getting the shitty end of the stick? No not at all. Being online has its advantages. Just becuase you two cant be with each other physically doenst mean you arnt growing and learning about each other.

I in fact found the one i am with right now (in real life) off this library, im not saying we were online lovers at first but you can find love online. Although i am pretty sure that wasnt your main question.

My main deal with online relationships is how do you know they are doing as you ask? Pictures, web cam? What if they dont have that, how do you know your even talking to the said human? How do you know that he/she doesnt have ten more subs on the side? This is all here nor there.

If it makes you happy it cant be that bad.

[angelic.zest]

My main deal with online relationships is how do you know they are doing as you ask? Pictures, web cam? What if they dont have that, how do you know your even talking to the said human? How do you know that he/she doesnt have ten more subs on the side? This is all here nor there.

If it makes you happy it cant be that bad.


You just dont know, thats where trust, determination, and communication comes in. There are alot of ppl who just want online, and thats good for them. Me i know i want something more "in the flesh", and i will get that. But trust has to be there, if its not there, then no type of relationship will work. No matter how much time you spend with them, or think he/she is committed.

[fourmaggie]

very interesting post here and well I have been struggling with the same thing...thank you for everyones comments ..you opened my heart and my eyes...

[cadence]

My main deal with online relationships is how do you know they are doing as you ask? Pictures, web cam? What if they dont have that, how do you know your even talking to the said human? How do you know that he/she doesnt have ten more subs on the side? This is all here nor there.



There isn't really any way anyone can know if the other is being truthful and honest.
I asked a Domme one time as to how they could determine who is really being genuine on line.
She said that the ones who do everything they are told without any problems are the ones who are usually lying.
The ones who never seem to have difficulty with tasks, and say everything they think the Dominant wants.
That's not saying that all submissives who do this are lying, but most aren't being very truthful.

That being said, slave and submissive are just relative words, and it depends on what they mean to you personally.
I am submissive; I can also consider myself a slave as well. I don't think I have to give anyone a definate reason either, it's how I feel.

Yes you can successfully have an online relationship, but that depends on what you want out of it.
You definately cannot compare real life to online only because of the lack of physical interaction. If you can live without the physical and you can trust the other person, it's not impossible, it can work.
Being submissive is all about the mind and being online can enhance that submissive feeling. The only drawback is that basically you are doing everything on your own, and only have conversations with your Dominant.

[aussiesubgirl]

"So I figure I am commited to submitting to a special person, not to being a slave itself..."

I think that while I have a genuinely submissive side, not everyone is going to stimulate that response in me...just as I do not fall in love with every attractive man or woman I meet, so I would not submit to anyone just cos they are dominant and I enjoy being submissive...for me it is about submitting to a special person, who makes me WANT to give everything to them just for the joy of pleasing them...

To find a real Master involves a rare connection and a meeting of the minds, someone that genuinely makes you wish to give yourself to them because you know they will cherish you, push you, break you and rebuild you....for the better. But that is not going to happen every time in O/L or R/L (btw my relationship started O/L and moved to R/L)

It does not matter whether it is in O/L or R/L and should not make you question the legitimacy of your submissive feelings...but if you find O/L difficult you may be someone that needs physical intimacy, control and reinforcement to give you the strength to embrace your full submissive side...nothing wrong with that, and doesn't mean you aren't a 'real slave'...you just may need different things from your relationship than you are getting from O/L at the moment...

We're all different and thats what makes this all so amazing and beautiful!

good luck!

xxx

[pervertedpages]

Laila - I'm actually really interested in the statement that your dominant friend said. As someone who never thought that an online relationship could work for me (and suddenly finding myself, cautiously, in an online relationship that works fabulously), I think that what he said about being submitting online might be the ultimate draw in its favor, at least for me. I've fucked around online a bit and fucked around more in real life, but there is something very alluring about the idea that my relationship with this very special person requires an almost superhuman commitment to him. The commitment to my role flows naturally from this. It makes me personally responsible for my submission, and is helping me understand and accept (and begin to revel in) my submissive nature much more than any hot play sessions in my past ever have. For me it is easy, physically, to step into a role and do all the physical actions that will give me all the physical rewards I'm looking for, but I never found that special person in real life who could make me feel like I was doing more than just playing.

I'm definitely looking for "more" in the/our future, so I think I agree with what both him and you are saying. Being an online submissive ("slave" is a good word to use here but I kind of shy away from it too much postcolonial theory lol) does require absolute commitment: to the relationship, to the dominant, to yourself and not cheating yourself out of learning and growing by lying. There is staggering beauty in this. But true commitment in any form also does require a special person to draw out that submission. Playing is fun, the most fun a girl can have with her clothes off, even. But anything else requires both.

On a side note, way to be awesome and start this discussion, and the same to everyone else for contributing! And I feel you on the larger issue of valuing male dominants for their thoughts and correspondence, but not wanting to submit to them and feeling you having to "justify" your reasons for this, haha. You do what you want, and if it ain't OL it ain't OL.

[Miner]

Speaking from the other side of the issue (as a dom)... I'm not overly fond of on-line. It lacks the impact of real-time, and prior to 2 years ago I would never have considered an on-line relationship. Having said that, I met my girl on-line (the local community where I was living at the time was a non-starter in terms of a BDSM relationship) and got to know her well. The intention, however, was to move to real-time if it seemed we had the spark required to do so.

We got on very well on-line - we used web-cameras and Skype mainly (distance was very significant) and telephone occasionally. It was okay. What it allowed us to do was to get to know each other well. I went to visit her - again - distance was significant and I prefer to be the one travelling - leaving the girl on her 'safe ground' as it were.

Well - we were both truthful on-line and the relationship really went stratospheric when we met (last summer). We have been together since then in real-time.

On-line gave us the opportunity to meet and get to know each other. Without it we'd never have got together. In that regard I am definitely a fan of on-line - essentially as a way of developing a relationship in real-time that otherwise would not have been possible.

In terms of the on-line/real-time debate I think what is really important is finding something that completes you and meets your needs, or at least, gives you the opportunity to move into a real relationship (whether it is on-line or real-time is immaterial if you find someone who resonates in your soul, after all).

Best of luck!

[jeanne]

I asked a Domme one time as to how they could determine who is really being genuine on line.
She said that the ones who do everything they are told without any problems are the ones who are usually lying.
The ones who never seem to have difficulty with tasks, and say everything they think the Dominant wants.
That's not saying that all submissives who do this are lying, but most aren't being very truthful.


Thanks for saying this, cadence. Once in a while my Owner will give me a task when we are apart. Well, life is life and I don't always get to do the task when He'd prefer. I could lie and say "Yes, I did have an orgasm last night just the way you told me to" when the truth is I fell into bed exhausted and tried for a little while and just couldn't get there. It's silly for me to lie about something like that to make Him feel "Domly" when I know for an absolute fact that He prefers me to be real and truly me with Him.

[wind_dancer{W_W}]

my relationship is a very rare one indeed.

i met Him on here. November 8th 2008
Had an insanely strong connection to Him
We talked on here and msn for a few months.
we moved to phone. January 1st 2009
A major setback took place about four months after that.
W/we worked through it.
i planned to move to Him.
Changed plans at last minute. July 2009
Decided to wait almost a year to get together.
Working through it one day at a time..... January 16th 2010
Will go to Him on May 2010

Through all of this
i have kept my virginity
i have not been interested or even looked at another man
He has gone without sex
W/we talk every night (minus those few exceptions)
i have certain rules:
No Bra
No Panties
i wear my collar daily
i wear my wristcuffs daily
Short skirts
Asking before i go somewhere
Sleeping on the floor
Work out 1 hour every day
Others that i keep private because they are sacred to me.

The amount of trust that has been established between us surpasses that of the physical relationship between a slave and his or her Master/Mistress..

[fetishdj]

Online can never replace real life. I think many in this thread have made the point that it is 'not the same' and I do not disagree with that. What I do contest is that this means that it is not 'real' or that it is lesser (which, again, no one has actually said but there is always that feeling that that is what many are thinking...)

One thing that is not usually mentioned is that for many OL is the ONLY way they can get their BDSM. There are people who are too isolated, can't find their local scenes, can't find people close enough to them to play with in real life. These people would love to play in real life but can't due to some circumstance or another.

Another aspect of OL that I think is important is that it gives you the chance to 'try before you buy'. A lot of people have fantasies about BDSM but many of them are not aware of what it is actually like to suffer some of the things they read about in stories. They talk about wanting to be tied and whipped and have clamps on them and so on but in some cases, if you actually tied them up and whipped them, they will find that they hate it. Online may not be as intense as real life but if you get a small taste of it from an online/self inflicted standpoint sometimes it tells you if you will in fact like the real thing or not before you start trying it out for real. I think this is an important screening process which can be a great aid to dominants in the lifestyle - if someone can't follow simple instructions or withstand the small torments of online tasks, how can you be expected to do it in person?