Childhood Sexual Abuse

[in2anything]

During my journey of self-discovery as a sub I've come to some new understandings of why I am the way I am. I would really like to talk to any subs/slaves who were molested or abused sexually as children to see if I'm alone in this or if others have come to the same conclusions.

Please contact me if this happend to you an you would be willing to discuss it with me.

[markus_valtion]

hello. i have had stuff hapen to me as well when i was younge and i'd love to talk about it. i hope i can be off help :).

[moonlitsub]

I believe there have been many threads about this subject myself being verbally abused most my life I have a hard time with verbal humiliation but each person reacts differently to the same stress.
This is the most recent thread I remember.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730

[kaerose13]

i was sexually abused as a child as well. that must have played a huge part in me being a sub and such a sexual masochist. for me it's almost like, without the fear, or without the pain there is no feeling to sex--to be able to trust someone enough to not push that fear too far, to hurt but not injur is everything for me.

for me, i don't think that could have come from anywhere but my childhood trauma.

if you want to talk about it, pm me.

[daddiespet]

i was abused by my sperm donor(father) and cousin from birth to age 17, i have often wondered if it contributed to my subbiness.

[kaerose13]

sperm donor(father)
that's exactly how i think of mine, for the same reason.

[wonderworld]

MY OPINION ONLY!!

Ive read several theories on this. One that stuck with me (and helped me sleep better at night) is that certain people are wired as subs from birth. We are born like this. And thus, sadly, make easy targets as children and also adults. Thus explaining the possible higher rate of abuse. The traits that make us up- attention seeking, people pleasing, passive, etc, also make us easier prey from day 1. So.. we are not here necessarily because we were abused, we were chosen for abuse because of who (and how) we were.

We are not messed up, but unfortunately others in the world are.

Just my 2 cents. -WW

[HisButterflySlave]

MY OPINION ONLY!!

Ive read several theories on this. One that stuck with me (and helped me sleep better at night) is that certain people are wired as subs from birth. We are born like this. And thus, sadly, make easy targets as children and also adults. Thus explaining the possible higher rate of abuse. The traits that make us up- attention seeking, people pleasing, passive, etc, also make us easier prey from day 1. So.. we are not here necessarily because we were abused, we were chosen for abuse because of who (and how) we were.

We are not messed up, but unfortunately others in the world are.

Just my 2 cents. -WW

Thanks, that comment makes me feel a whole lot better. To know that quite possibly abuse in the past (whether it be childhood or not) has probably no impact on the way that we actually are. I was hoping to hear that from someone. Myself, I have been abused at 13. Though it is a situation that I do not wish to talk about, just had to make this comment for wonderworld.

[fetishdj]

We are sort of wired for this at birth but there is also a lot that goes on in life to guide us down certain pathways. Its the nature/nurture debate - every personality trait we have is partially built in to the genes (controlled by what hormones are released when and in what quantities as well as brain architecture and function) and partially due to 'stuff that happens to us as we grow up. The debate used to be which of these was true - genes or environment - but this naive and simplistic model has been replaced by a more subtle model where the argument is the extent to which each trait is determined by each stimulus.

What it largely means from a real world PoV is that it is possible to change your traits through influencing your own environment and taking control (or letting someone else you trust take control of you). So, some who have had events in thier childhood that include abuse can go one of two ways - they either become more dominant as they try to take control of their own life, sometimes in later life striking back at their abusers in some way in order to achieve closure, or they can become more submissive. The latter often 'take control' by finding someone they trust to control their lives and therefore find formal submission. Of course, there are also those who bock out the abuse and therefore may not be affected by it so much unless they are somehow reminded of it and others who may respond in a totally different way.

[markus_valtion]

What it largely means from a real world PoV is that it is possible to change your traits through influencing your own environment and taking control (or letting someone else you trust take control of you). So, some who have had events in thier childhood that include abuse can go one of two ways - they either become more dominant as they try to take control of their own life, sometimes in later life striking back at their abusers in some way in order to achieve closure, or they can become more submissive. The latter often 'take control' by finding someone they trust to control their lives and therefore find formal submission. Of course, there are also those who bock out the abuse and therefore may not be affected by it so much unless they are somehow reminded of it and others who may respond in a totally different way.


i agree with you. unfortunatly i was one of the once that blocked it out. usealy it doesnt bother me that much. but found my triggers the hard way. i got realy bad flash backs. and am still having them.

i do believe that people are wired from birth. at least i know i am. but that didnt have anything to do with why and how i was raped.
there are only 2 things it will do to you and that is it will either destroy you. or it will make you stronger.

i'm sorry if it sounds harsh but thats my opnion

[fetishdj]

A very Nietczian (yes, I know, I can't spell the names of foreign philosophers...) outlook. Extreme but often true.

[whisky44]

I am lucky enough not to have been abused as a child, but have always had submissive triggers from as far back as I can remember so I think your born wired that way. To add wieght to my view I was badly phisically abused by a boyfriend in my late teens which really messed me up for many years. However my pleasure from being dominated and humiliated sexually has remained the same before during and after - so my advise would be not to link the two events, your sexuality is YOUR own and should not be tainted by people whos unexceptable issues are THEIR own

[nyx]

I was molested as a child and was in an abusive relationship as a teenager, but I don't think that those events made me submissive. I had submissive tendencies from a very young age. I think that my submissive traits made me an easier target for abuse, not the other way around.
nyx

[kimmi]

I too was submissive as a child. I was the girl boys would get to show her panties. Boys would make me pee in front of them. When I was 12, I was molested by my moms bf. I don't know if he sensed my submissiveness, but I was unable to say no. In my case, I think submissiveness lead to molesting, not molesting leading to submissiveness

[bitchybitch56]

i was molested when i was younger also when i was younger, but also as far back as i could remember i guess i always had submissive tendincys when playing or hanging with friends, the only difference with when i was molested it wasnt just a "sex" thing he was actually in love with me and told me over and over he was gonna run away and take me. so im not sure, i get confused easly because what doesnt bother me one day may bother me another, i guess its just my state of mind, im willing to talk to someone about it if they wanna message me

[13'sbadkitty]

i was also abused sexually as a child and suffered from trauma issues much of my life. i have spent countless hours trying to figure out if this is why i am so submissive. i am not sure because i am 44 years old and have only had vanilla relationships till Him. i was often re-abused and finally went for dv counseling which taught me so much. He is the first man i chose to be with and the first man i have been safe with. its odd to me that W/we can engage in some of the things W/we do together and its good for me. W/we are 24/7 and engaged as well. i finally sleep at night with Him next to me after many years of not sleeping at all. He is the first who can get in and out of bed and i don't wake up. i bring all this up because i don't know if i was born like this or became like this or a combo. The abuse statistics are overwhelmingly high and many are not like this. i enjoy the way i live now and would hate to say that it is because i was abused like any other "symptom" i have from it.

[spicennice]

i was also abused sexually as a child and suffered from trauma issues much of my life. i have spent countless hours trying to figure out if this is why i am so submissive. i am not sure because i am 44 years old and have only had vanilla relationships till Him. i was often re-abused and finally went for dv counseling which taught me so much. He is the first man i chose to be with and the first man i have been safe with. its odd to me that W/we can engage in some of the things W/we do together and its good for me. W/we are 24/7 and engaged as well. i finally sleep at night with Him next to me after many years of not sleeping at all. He is the first who can get in and out of bed and i don't wake up. i bring all this up because i don't know if i was born like this or became like this or a combo. The abuse statistics are overwhelmingly high and many are not like this. i enjoy the way i live now and would hate to say that it is because i was abused like any other "symptom" i have from it.

Perhaps you just have a deeper knowledge of what safe isn't than most and can truly appreciate what safe actually is. Because you know how bad it can be you hold onto this safe power dynamic as if it were a life jacket. Not a bad thing. You deserve safe. Enjoy.

[foreverchained]

i was abused as a child by 3 different men. it caused a lot of problems for me when i started trying to accept the sub side of me, and especially when i had to explain to Him. i didn't want him thinking that i had enjoyed the abuse and wanted a 'replay'.

i accept who i am now. there is a huge difference between some one using you against your will, and gladly handing over control and allowing yourself to be controled.

i hope that made sense!

[IAN 2411]

I was abused as a child by 3 different men. it caused a lot of problems for me when i started trying to accept the sub side of me, and especially when i had to explain to Him. i didn't want him thinking that i had enjoyed the abuse and wanted a 'replay'.

i accept who i am now. there is a huge difference between some one using you against your will, and gladly handing over control and allowing yourself to be controled.

i hope that made sense!


You made perfect sense. I have said this before in another thread, being abused is not a reoccurring illness, as it is only a ghost in your memory. Just because you have submissive tendencies, might have nothing to do with what took place with the three men and you so long ago. You might only need the comfort of protection, along with what your natural need might be, [submissiveness], all people have a need whether they are Dom, sub or vanilla. There is a lot of difference between being abused and controlled against your will as a child, than real life compassionate submission and control between two consenting adults; the latter I believe is life in the community.

Regards ian 2411

[TimelessMoments]

I too was molested as a child and I wonder at times if that is why sexually the way that I am. I get turned on being tied up, whipped, etc. Would love to talk about it more with anyone who might understand.
Thanks..

[Darkness_within]

Many I have talked to, or had in RL where used by thier dad, or bothers, or other family member, although I tell my self not to think this way, but I find my self thinking all subs or slaves were used by some one in the family at a very young age,, I do know this is not true, still, all I have talked to, or owned had, I see this as one way for a female or male for that matter, find them selves needing to be used in order to live,,,

[lisasub]

I was sexually abused for years during my childhood but, unlike a lot of you, I started off fighting it, resisting, and was an assertive kid in many ways. I used to stand up for my older sister to my parents when I thought they were treating her poorly. I got broken down by years of abuse by my psychopath brother.

So, I don't know if there's a connection between abuse and submissiveness, but if there is, I think that's my story.

[openyoureyes]

I was never sexually abused, though I do have several family members and friends who were (and have talked in depth about it with me) and I don't think it really has a bearing on whether one is submissive or not, but more that it effects how you feel about your tendencies. But each person's experience is going to be unique to them, for some it may shape how they act/react, but for others it won't have any effect at all on their behavior/demeanor.

I do think a lot of us are simply born the way we are, but I also think our environment shapes so much of how we act and behave, regardless of what our initial nature might be.

[lisasub]

[QUOTE=lisasub;872371]but, unlike a lot of you, I started off fighting it, resisting, and was an assertive kid in many ways.

And, just to be clear, I don't mean that a lot of you didn't resist - I think all kids resist abuse in their own ways. What I meant was, most people would have assumed I was assertive by my other actions.

I hope that's clear and I hope I didn't offend anyone.

[sexyredhead]

I don't know if the abuse makes us comfortable in this lifestyle or that our sub traits make us easier prey as children. All I know is I am new to this and in the process of training with my Master I had recollections of abuse I had apparantly blocked out. Now I am wary about going into subspace because it seems when my defenses are down, my emotions about this abuse flow to the surface. Master was extremely caring and supportive of what I am going through and for that I feel grateful and lucky. But these revelations make me question if I should be going into this life with unresolved, newly-discovered abuse issues surfacing.

[pandora2010]

In reading this thread I find myself glad that their are others here that may understand. Please do not take offence, I'm not glad that anyone ever goes through any type of abuse, but I am glad that I am not alone.

I'm new to the BDSM scene but I have always enjoyed stories that had elements of BDSM in them. At first I thought it was because of what happened to me, but later I realised that I was looking for those elements before I remembered what had happened. I have to agree with those that say we made easier targets because we are wired a certain way.

Also, to sexyredhead, I do not know what you will choose to do, and I am sorry that those memories came that way. What I will sugest is that while you do want to face and work through the memories; if you decide to continue with your discovery in BDSM at this time as well I think you and your Master should consider diffrent levels of safewords and signals if you start getting uncomfortable or if flashbacks are starting to surface. I know some flashbacks give no warning, while some, at least of mine, do and maybe that will help. I hope I do not offened anyone here by saying this.

Take care,
Pandora

[southern belle]

I have a vague memory of someone molesting me when i was very young but my sense is that it was an isolated event. I spent several years in therapy brought there by other issues and not sexual abuse. I think i was born with a submissive nature and it may have been enhanced not so much by that molestation i only vaguely remember but moreso by the relationship with my father. My father never sexually abused me (at least not that i recall) but he NEVER showed any affection to me and in fact i can never remember him being affectionate towards my mother even. I loved him so much when i was young and craved his love and affection but he was verbally abusive and constantly said shaming and belittling things to me. He was also quick to get out a belt and stripe my legs with it when i stepped out of line. I can look back and see where i would do things to get in trouble with him because that was the only way to get his attention. So i guess what i'm trying to say (rather longwindedly) is i think we are born either dominant or submissive tendencies but certain life experiences can either surpress our natural leanings or exacerbate them. Hope that makes sense.

[Lateques]

After reading this thread, it's provided me with a little insight into something I was previously ignorant of. I wonder in a way if being submissive after suffering abuse is some form of coping mechanism. An experiencing of 'abuse' in a controlled way, effectively flipping the nature of abuse. Do understand, I'm excusing nothing from abuse, just wondering about the nature of what is done after the abuse has (hopefully) stopped. A friend of mine claims that 1 in 4 women are raped and/or sexually abused, and many of them drift into BDSM because of the psychological trauma caused by it. I'd hate to think that this is the reason for such behavior. I think that it's overstating the case, but it may be more common than I thought.

Conversely, I wonder further from the other side of the coin now on whether those who did the abusing naturally progress to the dominant aspects? I find this a rather disturbing correlation myself. For the record, I have never been abused or abused someone to my knowledge and therefore don't know if there is a direct causation for our desires for bdsm or fetish. I would like to think that I freely chose what I enjoy and am not a result of something aberrant or psychologically 'wrong'.

[skittish doe]

I wonder in a way if being submissive after suffering abuse is some form of coping mechanism. An experiencing of 'abuse' in a controlled way, effectively flipping the nature of abuse.

I would agree that some would find this a good way to deal with the past, yes. I also know that not all subs have been abused. I agree with others above, as well as southern belle: Some of us were born with the natural inclination to be submissive. Life circumstances sometimes encourage or discourage that tendency. We are all products of BOTH nature and nurture. Various happenings (nurture) sprinkled onto various bases (individual people) result in an infinite variety of personalities. That is what makes people so very interesting.

[brwneydgirl]

Conversely, I wonder further from the other side of the coin now on whether those who did the abusing naturally progress to the dominant aspects?


I don't believe this to be the case, generally. Of course, others could argue the opposite point but in general, I don't believe that "abusers" are dominant as a rule....any more than their victims are always submissive.

Is it coincidence that there seem to be quite a few of the BDSM population who have been abused at some point in their lives? Maybe. Gather any large group of people from various backgrounds and there are bound to be a fair number with some type of abuse in their history.

[Lateques]

Doe, Brwneydgirl, Yep, I agree with you two. Statistics speak that there will be a portion of abuse victims no matter the subject. It happens, the proportionality is the only difference. I also know that I had a proclivity towards my latex fetish. It was totally unknown to me, but the same way someone may love chocolate, I couldn't help myself. Pop culture through cartoons and comic books when I was young fed that desire further till I was finally made aware it WAS a community and could codify and understand it beyond going, 'that's really hot'!

So I just put that out there as a converse point to consider is all. :)

[southern belle]

I have thought about this some more. No matter what has happened to us good or bad it makes into to the person we are. I mentioned in my earlier post here that I spent several years in counseling. Luckily my counselor was not only ethical but brilliant and helped me to overcome a myriad of issures from my childhood. One of the most valuable things i took away from it is the importance of moving on and becoming the person i want to be instead of the mess that my circumstances had made me into. Some people spend their whole lives marinating in that pain and never enjoy their life at all. When i was 18 i was raped by a "friend" someone i trusted and had a terrible time coping with that. Trying to overcome that is what caused me to seek out therapy. The bottom line is i like myself and now that i'm 43 i am more comfortable in my skin than i have ever been. I think the bad things that have happened along with my efforts to overcome them have made me stong and able to cope with whatever life throws my way.

[leo9]

I don't believe this to be the case, generally. Of course, others could argue the opposite point but in general, I don't believe that "abusers" are dominant as a rule....any more than their victims are always submissive.
I have a suspicion that abuse survivors are as likely to turn to dominance as to submission. The important thing is to manage and feel safe with power relationships. As for abusers, they certainly have a need to control, but that's not the same thing as being a dominant, any more than a rapist is the same as a top.

Is it coincidence that there seem to be quite a few of the BDSM population who have been abused at some point in their lives? Maybe. Gather any large group of people from various backgrounds and there are bound to be a fair number with some type of abuse in their history.
My personal belief is that there are no more abuse survivors in the BDSM scene than in any random group, but because BDSMers tend to be frank about their sexual history (at least in a safe setting like this), there will be more people reporting a history of abuse.

[leo9]

After reading this thread, it's provided me with a little insight into something I was previously ignorant of. I wonder in a way if being submissive after suffering abuse is some form of coping mechanism. An experiencing of 'abuse' in a controlled way, effectively flipping the nature of abuse.

I'd suspect that it's not so much about abuse as such, more about control. Whether you are dom or sub, you are in a situation of force and coercion which is at the same time completely safe and enjoyable. Its a way of taking the bad memories and making something good out of them.

My ex-slave had had massive ongoing surgery in her childhood, and I often wondered if that had something to do with her being a pain-pig. Certainly, any time I thought twice about hurting her I remembered that life had already tortured her worse than I ever would.

[lovelysub18]

i was molested growing up. the first time i was 6 years old. and the man was my siblings and my babysitter. the next time it happened i was 8 and it was my older step brother who did it. i dont believe these misfortunes are what has made me a sub but i do believe that we are all kind of hard wired in our personalities and that does make us easier targets when we are young. if any one would like to talk about it feel free to PM me.

[concubine]

i was molested when i was 7-8 years old but my situation was a little different then all of yours. i was molested by my 13yr. old female babysitter. To make a long story short she had me believing that spirits from the Ouji board we were playing with had possesed her and wanted to have sex with me. She had me believing that they could possess her at her will and i could have them possess me too. Not knowing any better i thought i wasn't doing it right so i pretended to be possesed to so she could get what she wanted from me. Later she had convinced me that the spirits had raped me and got my spirit pregnant even though i wasn't old enough to be, my spirit was. She perfomed what she called an abortion on me so my parents wouldn't find out. When she was done with the "proceedure" she said she had to seal up the hole she had taken the "seed" from. She used wax from a regular candle (those of you who use wax know that play candles melt at a lot lower temp than regular candles). Needless to say that was the hardest thing for me to try when i started this life style. The worst part was she convinced me that it had happened to my best friend too and i had to help her perform this on my friend too. My husband knew all about this before we started this lifestyle. He wanted me to stop feeling guilty about it and not to fear it. The wax was a process that started on my back then later on my chest. When he told me he wanted to try it on my clit i was afraid of how i would react. He knew i needed to do it as a last step of putting this in my past so he said i had no choice but he didn't do it in a threatening way. He knew i needed it. When the time came i was nervous but as soon as the wax hit it was like all the memories flashed bfore my eyes then were gone. They don't bother me or hold me captive any more. i think i may have always been submissive but what happened to me made me fear it instead of embrace it. Now i know i don't have to be submissive in life and i can enjoy being submissive when i want. i must admit that i have never had experience with a female sub and kind of shy away from it probably because of this situation but that is another obstical i'm willing to overcome if the situation ever comes up. I still can't look at a Ouji board without the memories coming out but at least i'm not afraid of them anymore.

[marliexe]

I was also molested as a child but I think I was always submissive I was always the one who offered to play doctor and so on as a child I think it just made me a easier job i seem to lack the abilty to say no even now in my adult life i have fallen into trouble with this

[armybondy]

I was abused when I was a child, and when I was adopted by my abuser's father, he was disowned by my father when he learned of the abuse... I am now waiting for him to get out of jail AGAIN on unrelated charges so I can make sure I have a restraining order as soon as he is released to keep him away from me and my children and husband.

I also had a boyfriend years ago (one of my first partners, I haven't had a lot of them, and every single one of them was military) who was into kink while I was still very new to being in sexual relationships and he very effectively controlled me without me even realizing until just this moment what he was doing. And he did not take my sexual desires or limits into consideration, if he enjoyed it, he did it and expected me to enjoy it, too, even if it was something I did NOT want to do (thank god he was hung like a pencil or the anal sex he did to me without any warning would have been more painful than it was).

I can't say that my abuse has had any effect on my submissive personality, but it has effected how I respond to my limits being pushed. My husband is careful in how he pushes me to make sure he doesn't trigger my self-protection instincts to come into play. He is still learning to be a Dom, but while he pushes hard right now, he only pushes on stuff that I have already said I want to do at some point, or stuff that he really wants and is trying to get me comfortable with it. But the second I say no when we are doing something, he stops immeadiately with no negative feedback about.

[ember{ReconMarine}]

I too, have been sexual molested, verbal abused, and physically. I have found my way past it, past the traumas of my past. In certain ways, it's helped make me stronger, harder, less forgiving. When I sought consoling it only hurt me more. They wanted to place blame on someone, not me of course. I have in the past known Masters who would use this against me, and of course left them for their indiscretions. If a Master can't handle it then I move on. My life has been loaded with pain, ending one trauma with another. I have had to find my own way out of the black hole it has left in me. Know this, in no way has it been the fault of you, the one who received the abuse. Once you accept, it's the hole; "it's not me, not my fault." You will be able to spread your wings and fly so to speak. Never live in the past, move forward and don't look back.

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

I was molested by my father when I was 4 and 5. I don't remember too much about it really, just some flashes, like a slideshow. What I do remember was this yucky feeling I would get whenever I would hear certain songs. I still do. There were some incidents when I was a little older as well, but for the most part I was pretty sure I was over them a long time ago. If it was ever suggested that I was sexually repressed or submissive because of my issue from that I would scoff at the idea. But now, looking back, my orgasms have always been quiet, my reactions always muted. I have never ever let go and just allowed myself the freedom to truly enjoy anything sexually. Even when I thought I had, I was still trying too hard, concentrating too much and holding in what I could have let out. My orgasms had become too much work to even bother with anymore. I went into every relationship with the disclaimer, "I cannot cum easily so don't waste your time trying."

I had always been disgusted by the idea of Daddy Doms and associated it with sick individuals who liked children the 'wrong' way. It never occurred to me that it could be about something entirely different, Until I met my Master. He taught me that it isn't a sick fascination with children. It is about protection, security and trust. It's about letting go of your doubt, fear and worry and relinquishing control. By letting Him take control I no longer need to worry that I will be abandoned, lose Him or be hurt by Him. He is my protector and my safe place. This is a very hard thing for me, personally, to come to terms with. It means accepting that I have no control over what happened to me and that I was not nearly as 'over it' as I thought I was. The first time He brought it up with me I literally felt a wall slam shut in my head. Gradually that wall has started to come down. I am learning that I need to let it go. Let Him take control of me and give Him all I have. I never thought I would actually 'like' saying "Daddy" to anyone. That I want it more than anything now is still a shock for me.

The sound of His voice has more power over me than any bad memory and I am so close to knocking down that wall for good. What happened to me when I was a child was unforgivable. But I no longer have a reason to let it control me, because now Daddy is in control, and this baby girl is finally home.

[FaerieLytes]

Molestation, well, thats something i can actually talk about here...

so well... i havnt been pure since i was 5 years old (or so....) there are court records of it and everything , at age 5ish my grandfather (or my moms boyfriend at the time... i still dont know....) molested me, since then i have been TERRIFIED of older men. after that i spent the next few years (until recently) punishing myself for something i couldnt have fixed, for me BDSM is therapy, it makes me normal the abuse i suffered made me a submissive and BDSM makes that bearable and keeps me from hurting myself.

before BDSM was introduced to me i:
was molested at ages 5, 9, 14, 19 and raped by the same person at age 19, why? because i couldnt say no, no one had told me i could. BDSM gave me a fallback , gave me a voice, gave me rules and safeguards with which to protect myself.

but back on topic... for me being molested made me who i am, it made me both weaker and stronger, but overall BDSM is who i am, i am a submissive and damn proud.