Non-SSC experiences?

[angela_shy]

what have you done that in retrospect was Not SSC?
what do you wish you had done instead?

[leah06]

I said on another thread, rather sanctimoniously, I'm afraid, oh, well, of course I always use a condom. But once I didn't. That wasn't safe or sane, and the fact that it was consensual just says something about me. I have possibly taken risks in my life, but that was the riskiest.

Having dodged a bullet, the only thing you can do is be sure you never have to dodge it again. If you've done something risky yourself, angela_shy, just be glad that you are here to post about it, and resolve to take better care of yourself the next time.

[Ozme52]

Remember, something unsafe or unsane, with a little practice becomes safe and sane.
The edge retreats as you get experience in walking it.

Hopefully no one has done anything non-consensual... except maybe within their own head. ;)

[SilverWulf]

There are things that happen every day that are not safe and most of what we do could be considered to be outside the bounds of sanity, according to some.

Everything we do is always consensual.

To me, SSC is archaic and doesn't work. RACK is much better.

[angelic.zest]

not really, thankfully i never really had to worry about something that wasnt SSC...

I have gone to meet up with ppl from the internet(a vanilla meeting) where i didnt have a safe call...but that was before i knew about BDSM or safe calls etc. Now i am more prepared when i meet ppl in real time. As Oz said, "something unsafe or unsane, with a little practice becomes safe and sane." So yes, with practice and talking with people, i can now say...i try to practice SSC with everything i do!

[Ozme52]

To me, SSC is archaic and doesn't work. RACK is much better.

Semantics in my opinion. And basically, I agree.

[angela_shy]

Semantics in my opinion. And basically, I agree.

i'm slightly in the dark here - can you please explain why you agree SSC is archaic, and RACK better, yet believe it is all semantics? there is possibly a subtlety in difference you mean...
...perhaps a different thread exists discussing this... will look!

[angela_shy]

I said on another thread, rather sanctimoniously, I'm afraid, oh, well, of course I always use a condom. But once I didn't. That wasn't safe or sane, and the fact that it was consensual just says something about me. I have possibly taken risks in my life, but that was the riskiest.

Having dodged a bullet, the only thing you can do is be sure you never have to dodge it again. If you've done something risky yourself, angela_shy, just be glad that you are here to post about it, and resolve to take better care of yourself the next time.

well, risk can be a big turn-on! (yes - i've done it too)

but that particular risk is something that needs careful management well before one is out of one's head with lust... relates to SW's RACK comment i suspect - one should discuss while capable of clear thought, not just consent at the time your body is stewing in hormones.

easier said than done sometimes...

[leah06]

Well, I wasn't out of my head with lust, but there were some other things going on. Being safe, and this isn't just about the condom, but just in general, can be awkward and embarrassing sometimes. Insisting on a full name and address can feel weird, refusing to take someone in your car, that kind of thing, especially when you're attracted enough to think of having sex with the person. I mean, you know it's safe and sane and all that, but in terms of feeling there is a disconnect.

So after the whole condom thing I gave this a lot of thought, and here's what I came up with. It sounds sanctimonious, again, but this is just my take on it and what I learned for myself. Rules aren't for when they clearly apply. If you're with someone and think, oops, this is really someone I don't want in my car, or whatever, then you don't need a rule to tell you what to do. You already know. Rules are for when they DON'T clearly apply. For the super-nice guy who says he's clean. For the hot guy that you want to impress too much to ask to see his ID before you fuck him. Those are the times when you want to argue with the rule, to say, this is a special case and the rule doesn't apply here. And for me, I've decided, no. I thought of these safety rules when I was focused and aware and knew that things aren't always what they seem, or why would we need them? So I will always follow my rules, no exceptions, because if I have to rethink them every time, then they're not rules, they're just good ideas.

Since that thing with the condom I've been able to stick to this. It's been awkward sometimes, and of course in retrospect it's felt wholly unnecessary because I've never actually been with someone dangerous and scary, but even though I've been tempted to forego a rule at the time, I've never looked back and thought, oh, I wish I'd been LESS safe.

I hope I'm not hijacking your thread. I know that SSC usually refers to how you play, and not how you get there, but to me these things are basic and more important, in a way, than how stringent the bondage is.

[Arria]

My hubby was a founding member of the first German BDSM association, and he tells me that the concept of "SSC" was only invented for the sake of the vanilla community. The reason for it was to point out to the vanilla folks that there IS a difference between BDSM and abuse!

He thinks it rather funny that huge parts of the BDSM crowd, especially the less experienced and new ones, are trying so hard to fit this concept of SSC.

The line is very difficult to draw - how many things have subs done for their doms that they were afraid of / did not want to do to begin with / evolved from being a hard limit to a soft limit and finally into something that was actually desired? Are these things already "not SSC"?

[Pearlgem]

Rules aren't for when they clearly apply. If you're with someone and think, oops, this is really someone I don't want in my car, or whatever, then you don't need a rule to tell you what to do. You already know. Rules are for when they DON'T clearly apply. For the super-nice guy who says he's clean. For the hot guy that you want to impress too much to ask to see his ID before you fuck him. Those are the times when you want to argue with the rule, to say, this is a special case and the rule doesn't apply here. And for me, I've decided, no. I thought of these safety rules when I was focused and aware and knew that things aren't always what they seem, or why would we need them? So I will always follow my rules, no exceptions, because if I have to rethink them every time, then they're not rules, they're just good ideas.

Excellent clarification, rachel, especially as it's come to you from good, solid personal experience and a bit of thought. Our rules can alter a little over time and with experience, I guess, but once we decide what they should be, keep to them. We can all benefit from the above. Thanks. x x

[Ozme52]

i'm slightly in the dark here - can you please explain why you agree SSC is archaic, and RACK better, yet believe it is all semantics? there is possibly a subtlety in difference you mean...
...perhaps a different thread exists discussing this... will look!

Risky appeals more than safe. Whether you're talking about physical safety, or legal safety (exhibitionism can beget you a record, a fine, perhaps even jail time depending on who sees you whom you weren't aware of...) or relationship risky, Risk is more appealing.

But as I said earlier, what you determine to be risky today is perfectly safe later on if you've done it enough.

For example. If you were confronted with an oncoming car... hurtling toward you... risky or safe? Is there a line painted on the road between where you're standing and the path of the car? What if you were up on a curb? Risky or safe? We're talking tons of metal. Instant death if a mistake is made by either party. But you do it all the time. Risk aware or do you actually feel safe because it's uncommon for something to go wrong.

To me... it's one and the same.

(But if there was something sexually appealing to doing so... I'd prefer to be on the street than on the curb... because as safe as it appears to be, the closer to the edge of the better.)

Risk perception is worth a lot, otherwise, why skydive instead of merely parachuting (using a tether-line) out of a plane? But they're virtually identical when it comes to accident rates.

[Ozme52]

My hubby was a founding member of the first German BDSM association, and he tells me that the concept of "SSC" was only invented for the sake of the vanilla community. The reason for it was to point out to the vanilla folks that there IS a difference between BDSM and abuse!

Yes, I've read about that perspective. And then, later, when the vanilla folk said... "But how could it be safe to do xyz" RACK was "invented" and later when vanilla folk argued that being aware of the risk doesn't absolve the participants from needing protection from themselves... some began to use WISWD (what it is we do) and to hell with trying to justify ourselves. :rolleyes:

[lucy]

Can someone please explain RACK?

(and as a side note: It would be nice when someone using an abbreviation for the first time in a thread would spell it out. That's how it's done in journalism too. Just my two cents, though.
And yeah, i could look it up of course, but it's kinda tiring if you have to jump out of reading a thread all the time to look up stuff.)

[miners_girl]

Can someone please explain RACK?

(and as a side note: It would be nice when someone using an abbreviation for the first time in a thread would spell it out. That's how it's done in journalism too. Just my two cents, though.
And yeah, i could look it up of course, but it's kinda tiring if you have to jump out of reading a thread all the time to look up stuff.)

I know what you mean- I looked up what it meant because neither my Master or I had heard the phrase-he has always used SSC- It means Risk Aware, consensual kink or Risk-accepted consensual kink.

[Arria]

I thought everybody was familiar with the terms... here is a link:

http://www.withinreality.com/rackssc.html

"RACK = Risk Aware Consensual Kink
SSC = Safe Sane Consensual

SSC has been the BDSM slogan for many years. It is the catch phrase that a lot of people use in the community. RACK has surfaced in the last several years. I would like you to consider the intent or spirit in the differences in the terms SSC and RACK

Here is how Webster’s defines….Safe, Sane, and Consensual.

Safe
1 : free from harm or risk : UNHURT

Sane
1 : proceeding from a sound mind : RATIONAL
2 : mentally sound; especially : able to anticipate and appraise the effect of one's actions
3 : healthy in body

Consensual
1 a : existing or made by mutual consent without an act of writing (a consensual contract)
b : involving or based on mutual consent (consensual acts)

===================================

Risk
1 : possibility of loss or injury : PERIL
2 : someone or something that creates or suggests a hazard

Aware
1 : archaic : WATCHFUL, WARY
2 : having or showing realization, perception, or knowledge - aware·ness noun

Consensual
1 a : existing or made by mutual consent without an act of writing (a consensual contract)
b : involving or based on mutual consent (consensual acts)

Kink
1 : a short tight twist or curl caused by a doubling or winding of something upon itself
2 a : a mental or physical peculiarity : ECCENTRICITY, QUIRK b : WHIM
3 : a clever unusual way of doing something
4 : a cramp in some part of the body
5 : an imperfection likely to cause difficulties in the operation of something

SSC… safe sane consensual...when you say it out loud it seems pretty clear. So you are either safe or not, sane or not, consensual or not, right? But how does each of us define and set the standard for SSC is unclear.

RACK…the intent of RACK is education and awareness. You should try to know as much as you can about what you are doing...be aware of the risk. Do you consent or have cosent - and also know the different forms it takes. If you are aware of your risk and you consent to it - go forward. That is the "spirit" of RACK. There is no, "this is safe and this is not." There is only safer and less safe.

The difference between the two terms is even more clear when the spirit of them is applied in the public scene.

When watching a scene that may involve some heavy risk you might hear the person next to you whisper to their partner "they shouldn't do that...its unsafe…that is a dangerous Dominant" - that is the spirit of SSC.

If you hear whispered "I wonder if he knows the risk involved in doing that....I wonder if he does "this" it could be made safer....I think I will tell him about it later after his scene" - that is the "spirit" of RACK.

Just as we might look at a shade of blue and someone calls it midnight blue and I might call it navy blue. We all see things differently. We all react to things differently - so how can I say that something is unsafe for someone when we are different and handle/deal with life differently.

Another example: blood play may be a hard limit for someone and they may feel that it is NOT safe or sane plus they would never consent to it. Someone else may enjoy blood play and feel that it is safe and sane, and they frequently consent to it. With SSC, one of those people has to be right and the other person has to be wrong. It can't be both ways.

The spirit of SSC has become one of you either are or you are not safe, sane and consensual. And that is completely relative. The intent of RACK is not what others think you should or shouldn't risk, but that of increasing awareness and making informed decisions on what you choose to risk."

[SilverWulf]

Can someone please explain RACK?

(and as a side note: It would be nice when someone using an abbreviation for the first time in a thread would spell it out. That's how it's done in journalism too. Just my two cents, though.
And yeah, i could look it up of course, but it's kinda tiring if you have to jump out of reading a thread all the time to look up stuff.)

So from now on we will all spell out 'laughing out loud' before using the abbreviation, along with all the others that are regularly used... Just in case there is someone who doesn't know a term that is a common lifestyle abbreviation and used virtually ever day... got it.

[lucy]

yeah, lol (laughing out loud), i sure like sarcasm, roflmao (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off)

Edit: coming to think of it: that was a shitty answer (mine, that is. Won't comment on yours). I just want to point out that you've got a couple of new folks here every day and quite a lot of them are NOT used to the lifestyle and its specific abbreviations yet and/or their native tongue is not english.

[Miner]

So from now on we will all spell out 'laughing out loud' before using the abbreviation, along with all the others that are regularly used... Just in case there is someone who doesn't know a term that is a common lifestyle abbreviation and used virtually ever day... got it.

Now, if everyone knew everything, you'd have a point. However, there are newbies on here as well as people who don't live in acronym heaven...so haluah (oh - sorry - how about lightening up)

[SilverWulf]

Top of the page, third option from the right... it says 'search'. Right click and open in a new window or new tab, no need to leave the discussion you are currently in to get a definition for something you may not be familiar with.

[miners_girl]

I had a totally insane, unsafe, but entirely consensual experience that has left me with some long term although relatively minor damage to my breasts- I did everything you weren't supposed to do.

alcohol
inexperience
badly thought out.

I shudder to think of it even now, several years later.

[SilverWulf]

Almost everyone on this site is more than willing to help others learn and answer questions about any imaginable subject. IF the person asking is willing to do some work on their own, which includes searching previous threads (or even google) to find answers to common questions first.

When it is clear that a person has looked around and can't find the answer or needs clarification on some research they have done, I as well as many others are happy to help out.

When it is clear that someone is unwilling to use a simple search to get the answer they seek, I and many others are not going to be so welcoming.

We're a friendly bunch for the most part, but don't expect us to do research for you, and don't get upset when you get told to go and search for something on your own. (generic you, not intended for anyone in particular)

[Miner]

Almost everyone on this site is more than willing to help others learn and answer questions about any imaginable subject. IF the person asking is willing to do some work on their own, which includes searching previous threads (or even google) to find answers to common questions first.

When it is clear that a person has looked around and can't find the answer or needs clarification on some research they have done, I as well as many others are happy to help out.

When it is clear that someone is unwilling to use a simple search to get the answer they seek, I and many others are not going to be so welcoming.

We're a friendly bunch for the most part, but don't expect us to do research for you, and don't get upset when you get told to go and search for something on your own. (generic you, not intended for anyone in particular)

yes - however - explaining acronyms the first time they show up is just a matter of manners. It doesn't cost anything to be polite to the newbies. And while I've been around for a long time, RACK is not a term I'd encountered before either (except for the rack, of course, which is a totally different subject).

[angela_shy]

goodness - perhaps we should have a course entitled "Introduction to BDSM", and maybe "BDSM For Advanced Users"...

...imagine the practical exam - LMAO

i read about RACK and SSC when i first read about BDSM just a few months ago, although didn't really understand the differences... Thanks Arria for the very clear explanation!

[angela_shy]

I had a totally insane, unsafe, but entirely consensual experience that has left me with some long term although relatively minor damage to my breasts- I did everything you weren't supposed to do.

alcohol
inexperience
badly thought out.

I shudder to think of it even now, several years later.


thanks so much miners_girl, for sharing this.

it was exactly the kind of thing i wondered about. we hear all sorts of wonderful, sometimes very erotic stories of folks' experiences, but i wondered whether there was a less exposed aspect that we can learn from...

surely expressing regret or discussing negative experiences should not be taboo, especially not here. maybe i'm wrong... but i sometimes wonder if they are felt to be a little taboo, since i don't see much discussion.

[Ozme52]

goodness - perhaps we should have a course entitled "Introduction to BDSM", and maybe "BDSM For Advanced Users"...

...imagine the practical exam - LMAO

i read about RACK and SSC when i first read about BDSM just a few months ago, although didn't really understand the differences... Thanks Arria for the very clear explanation!

Unless Miner decides to call you out for introducing another acronym, BDSM (Bondage Discilpline Sasdism Masochism,) without spelling it out first. :rolleyes:

[miners_girl]

goodness - perhaps we should have a course entitled "Introduction to BDSM", and maybe "BDSM For Advanced Users"...

...imagine the practical exam - LMAO

i read about RACK and SSC when i first read about BDSM just a few months ago, although didn't really understand the differences... Thanks Arria for the very clear explanation!


I'd only heard of S.S.C.- I hadn't realised until I did some research the other day- (after I read this thread) for R.A.C.K. that there was a debate going on the larger BDSM community due to general dissatisfaction with the SSC term. Arria's explanation was certainly the clearest I'd seen- far better than most of the sites I'd looked at.

MMM- pratical exam would be fascinating....guess there'd be an oral section to it too! LOL


thanks so much miners_girl, for sharing this.

it was exactly the kind of thing i wondered about. we hear all sorts of wonderful, sometimes very erotic stories of folks' experiences, but i wondered whether there was a less exposed aspect that we can learn from...

surely expressing regret or discussing negative experiences should not be taboo, especially not here. maybe i'm wrong... but i sometimes wonder if they are felt to be a little taboo, since i don't see much discussion.


I've had a look round and there does seem to be some discussion about how we can be endangered/exploited and to watch out for predators but in the situation I was in- we were both totally at fault and there does seem to be less discussion on that .

Basically what I learnt from it was never ever drink alcohol and then play.

Although in a roundabout way, after several years, and a couple of false starts, it is what brought me to the rather wonderful place I am now.

[Veralynne]

RACK is an incredibly common acronym in the BDSM world. If you are on a BDSM website, you shouldn't demand that people spell out every acronym already commonly accepted in the lifestyle. Again.. if you ask about it, I'm sure people will be likely to explain (shout out to Arria), but you shouldn't criticize people for using the acronyms without spelling them out. Not only that... but there is google, and wikipedia, and all sorts of other things that could tell you. I mean... the opening post used "SSC" without explaining it, so don't be angry if other posters behave similarly.

[Pearlgem]

I'm glad somebody explained it! I always thought RACK stood for Ripped Anal Care Kit.

[leah06]

Oh for God's sake, people, lighten up. There's no need to get your underwear in a bunch because someone makes a suggestion. You know what? If you want to use an acronym and NOT spell it out first, that's OK. (Oh, I mean, that's okay.) Jeez.

[leah06]

I'm glad somebody explained it! I always thought RACK stood for Ripped Anal Care Kit.

Hey, Pearlgem, I almost needed one of those!

[Miner]

Sigh - Oz et alia - come on people - lighten up. Using an acronym is fine - but take a hint from the press - spell it out if you throw in something new - it doesn't take much more effort.

Just because something has common parliance somewhere doesn't mean it's universal. There are exceptions which are very well known (BDSM in the English speaking world, for example - and anyone who found this site should know what BDSM means before they got here), but can we expect the same is true for all terms?

And what about acronyms that have several different meanings? Is it always clear which meaning is being used?

It's not going to break anyone's back to take a page out of the book used by AP (American Press Services) or Reuters and spell out the acronym the first time it's used in a thread. It's just politesse.

[miners_girl]

The worst thing about this whole argument, is that everyone is getting tied up with acronyms- to explain or not to explain- and moved away from the original question of the thread- which was an interesting one.

[SilverWulf]

The worst thing about this whole argument, is that everyone is getting tied up with acronyms- to explain or not to explain- and moved away from the original question of the thread- which was an interesting one.

Everyone? No, we all said what we needed to say yesterday and had moved on. It's you and miner who can't seem give it up.


Just because something has common parliance somewhere doesn't mean it's universal. There are exceptions which are very well known (BDSM in the English speaking world, for example - and anyone who found this site should know what BDSM means before they got here), but can we expect the same is true for all terms?

Yes, I do expect someone to know the common acronyms and if they don't know the meanings then look it up. Don't get upset because you have to do a little research on your own for Gods sake.


It's not going to break anyone's back to take a page out of the book used by AP (American Press Services) or Reuters and spell out the acronym the first time it's used in a thread. It's just politesse.

If this were an AP service and we were here putting stories out on the wire, you bet we would follow the writing guidelines put forth by the agency we were working for.

Guess what, this isn't a wire service.

This is a chat board and if you expect the writing here to follow any sort of guideline to fit into some pre-conceived definition of what is proper format then you are going to be severely disappointed.

Now, back to the topic.

There was that one time, at band camp...

[Miner]

^ and I expect people to have manners - guess we'll both be disappointed

[SilverWulf]

^ and I expect people to have manners - guess we'll both be disappointed

Show me exactly where I used poor manners in what I wrote above, with quotes followed by what you 'expect' would be proper manners.

[KitsToy]

Yes, I do expect someone to know the common acronyms and if they don't know the meanings then look it up. Don't get upset because you have to do a little research on your own for Gods sake. ...

I'll have to agree. It boils down to forum etiquette. There exists within this forum a thread (stickied nonetheless) which explains all of the commonly used acronyms.

EDIT: I am only allowed to post URLs... after I have made 15 posts or more.
Reference: BDSM Library Forums > The Glossary of BDSM Terms > The Glossary of BDSM: BDSM Basics, Safety, Toys, Kinks & Fetishes

In light of this threads existence, it should be assumed that the terms used therein are common knowledge - or at least easily accessible.

Now, I'm rather interested to hear (see?) what others have to say in this topic, so I'd like to assert my (nonexistent) influence by saying.. please?

For myself, I became interested in BDSM in highschool. At the time, I was much less educated than I am now, and I guess the best I can put it is I'm glad nobody got hurt. It was mostly simple, stupid things (with extra emphasis on stupid), such as alcohol/drug use prior to playing, not really getting to know my Dom/sub, and attempting to live out perfect porn fantasy, all as an excuse for rough sex. Granted, it was a lot of fun at times.. other times I look back and.. o.o

-Kit'sToy

[angela_shy]

Unless Miner decides to call you out for introducing another acronym, BDSM (Bondage Discilpline Sasdism Masochism,) without spelling it out first. :rolleyes:

chuckles

[angela_shy]

There was that one time, at band camp...


waits with baited breath...

[KitsToy]

waits with baited breath...

I'd really like to hear about this one too, so what happened to you in band camp? =]

[his_girl_l]

Um, what is the point of having acronyms if the terms need to be spelt out in full every time the acronym is used? That's using more space and words, not saving them as acronyms are intended to.

Isn't one of the points of the terms SSC and RACK that the acronyms are handier to remember than the full terms they stand for?

[angela_shy]

all you sweet and lovely angels, hard-asses, pervs, freaks, et cetera...
may i humbly request the acronym discussion be parked?
or perhaps it can be raised in another thread, if anyone wishes to continue it...?
my genuine thanks

[angela_shy]

Hey, Pearlgem, I almost needed one of those!

ouchy... LMAO

[leo9]

what have you done that in retrospect was Not SSC?
what do you wish you had done instead?

Getting back to the original question:

There was a sub I'd played with a couple of times, and it had gone great. For various reasons I saw an opportunity to do a kidnapping scene she had mentioned as a pet fantasy, which sounded great to me. So I duly kidnapped her at knife point (switching the sharp blade I showed her for a butter knife to press to her throat), dragged her home in cuffs, and spent a blissful day torturing her into submission and enjoying her abject slavery. Everything seemed to indicate that she had enjoyed it just as much.

Except that the next time she phoned me, she told me I had gone way too far and abused her irresponsibly. Um, but, you had a safeword, right? We did talk about it before, right? Well, yes, she allowed, but I forgot I had it!

So... Consensual or not? Damned if I know. I've had other subs who lost it in the middle of a scene, and I've known before they safeworded that it wasn't working for them; but I didn't get any bad vibes from her at the time. Weirdly, she said that she hadn't been sure if she had been abused, so she asked a friend, who said it sounded like it... How do you need to be told if you've been abused?

So that's my non-consensual story. Or not. You guess.

[Ozme52]

Sigh - Oz et alia - come on people - lighten up. Using an acronym is fine - but take a hint from the press - spell it out if you throw in something new - it doesn't take much more effort.

Just because something has common parliance somewhere doesn't mean it's universal. There are exceptions which are very well known (BDSM in the English speaking world, for example - and anyone who found this site should know what BDSM means before they got here), but can we expect the same is true for all terms?

And what about acronyms that have several different meanings? Is it always clear which meaning is being used?

It's not going to break anyone's back to take a page out of the book used by AP (American Press Services) or Reuters and spell out the acronym the first time it's used in a thread. It's just politesse.

You complain but do it yourself. Not merely presuming common abbreviations (e.g., r/t) and acronyms (e.g., LOL, if you're going to complain, you don't get to chose for others which ones are acceptable without interpretation,) but you like using uncommon word forms (e.g., fora) and latin phraseology (e.g., "ad hoc" and "et alia".)

So don't sigh your sighs at me. Not until you practice what you preach.

[Ozme52]

all you sweet and lovely angels, hard-asses, pervs, freaks, et cetera...
may i humbly request the acronym discussion be parked?
or perhaps it can be raised in another thread, if anyone wishes to continue it...?
my genuine thanks

Too late. Sorry. I was done... but Miner wasn't. So there you go.

[leo9]

Too late. Sorry. I was done... but Miner wasn't. So there you go.

As they used to say at school: Never mind who started it, you can finish it.

Before you jump to have the last word, consider that it also makes you the last one who wasn't smart enough to let it go.

[TwistedTails]

QUOTE=angela_shy "all you sweet and lovely angels, hard-asses, pervs, freaks, et cetera..."

<Perk> Did someone call for a Perverted Freak? What can I do to... I mean for you? LOL

Well, with changing times what would have been SSC in the past may not be now days. Also what may be only edgy to me may be shocking to some, and boring to others.

About the most non SSC thing I have ever done to her would be the time I offered her up as a party favor at a birthday/joining the Army party with about 15 young men in attendance. What would I do differently today? Invite more young men. She had such a good time!

:)

[angela_shy]

...About the most non SSC thing I have ever done to her would be the time I offered her up as a party favor at a birthday/joining the Army party with about 15 young men in attendance. What would I do differently today? Invite more young men. She had such a good time!

first reaction was :eek:

... but on reflection :hubbahubb

i don't suppose you took notes that night...?

[angela_shy]

...she phoned me, she told me I had gone way too far and abused her irresponsibly. Um, but, you had a safeword, right? We did talk about it before, right? Well, yes, she allowed, but I forgot I had it!
...she said that she hadn't been sure if she had been abused, so she asked a friend, who said it sounded like it... How do you need to be told if you've been abused?

this sounds like she consented, but had trouble coming to terms with what she had consented to, unless you just weren't reading her properly, which probably depends how well you knew her (played a couple of times... ).

i guess one approach is to work up to scenes like this gradually... either with lots and lots of discussion, or a good number of tamer real life scenes... that way, the Dom gets to know the sub's reactions, and the sub gradually adjusts to significant elements.

just guessing here, but maybe the non-SSC element was rushing into something ambitious...?

[TwistedTails]

i don't suppose you took notes that night...?

No notes, just very fond memories. My biggest regret actually is that
video cameras were such rare and expensive items back then.

[Ozme52]

As they used to say at school: Never mind who started it, you can finish it.

Before you jump to have the last word, consider that it also makes you the last one who wasn't smart enough to let it go.

Well, I didn't. I passed the opportunity, made a humorous quip. Even got a chuckle or two... and then got called on it. You may think that I erred, but just because he proclaims himself to be on the high road, he is the one began and continues to insist on the continuing chastisement of others.

[Veralynne]

QUOTE=angela_shy "all you sweet and lovely angels, hard-asses, pervs, freaks, et cetera..."

<Perk> Did someone call for a Perverted Freak? What can I do to... I mean for you? LOL

Well, with changing times what would have been SSC in the past may not be now days. Also what may be only edgy to me may be shocking to some, and boring to others.

About the most non SSC thing I have ever done to her would be the time I offered her up as a party favor at a birthday/joining the Army party with about 15 young men in attendance. What would I do differently today? Invite more young men. She had such a good time!

:)




Goddamn, man. *fans self* "Invite more young men." Now there's a man with the right idea! LOL. Also... yes, videocameras would have been great. Get to relive the precious memories :-)

[satisfied]

*reads all the previous posts and thinks Master needs a really LONG blow job tonight*



There was that one time, at band camp...

Hey! How is it possible I haven't heard this story?

I could really use so more RACK in the very near future. *GRINS MISCHIEVIOUSLY*

[bip0lar]

hah, yes, i've been through one tricky non SSC situation. At the time it was oddly erotic, i was young--too young for putting myself through that, but in the end it didn't turn out bad. It just didn't turn out good, which was a very good reason to put a stop to it. Manipulation, apparently, has many forms; allowing one's self to be manipulated is one thing, but not realising it and finding one's self in a situation one always thought they'd never allow to get out of hand is another. All in all that non-SSC experience i would today categorise as an experiment that got out of hand. Nothing harsh, at least physically, but certainly a path i wouldn't go down again.

[mark2777]

OK am new to this sight but not to the lifestyle. I think that whether you prefer SSC or RACK (And I was not sure about this acronym either) there is a critical component that has not been touched upon by anyone here yet. TRUST without that neither is worth a rat's patootie.

mark2777

[Belgarold]

Well, it seems that some feel being arrogant and superior and rude somehow prove how well-endowed you would like to be.

There is nothing wrong with explaining ourselves. And I take exception to the statement, "everything we do is consensual." that is just BS. There are new subs out there that will believe from that statement that they "ASKED" for the rape they endured because they met some arrogant prick wannabe out there.

Whether you show off your superiority by spouting acronyms or not.

[angela_shy]

sorry - i rambled on with the below response... my thoughts for what they are worth...

Belgarold, i agree there is nothing wrong with explaining... explaining one's self when asked for clarification is generally considered to be courteous behaviour. i certainly didn't intend to spark such a riot of off-topic comments about acronym definition, and was in no way showing off superiority. nor do i believe that of anyone else in this thread.

i (as a complete and utter newbie last Autumn) read and learned about the lifestyle, and knew of SSC and RACK from that early reading. i would hope any newbie would seek to read and learn about common aspects of it too. this is a pretty fundamental aspect to the lifestyle, i believe.

and i would humbly assert that it is quite feasible for a new sub to ask for rape as an exciting experience - it is a common fantasy (i have discovered). that in no way compares with an innocent getting themselves into a situation they regret - this is not BDSM but possibly foolhardiness on the sub's part, and abuse on the perpetrator's part.

...but a good subject - this is the intent of the the thread!

...to ask for people to point out that one can get carried away in a moment, and do things they later regret, or that could have gone very badly, but for the grace of god (sic!).

...and this is where mark2777's post should be considered carefully. it takes time to build up the necessary high regard and trust for one's partner, and i feel that this should not be rushed, otherwise one is taking huge risks. a good friend of mine uses the motto "Love, Trust, Submit" to illustrate one route to submission that minimises the chance of regretting one's involvement with someone.

he explains to me that one must take time to know someone, letting that high regard develop for their integrity and character (perhaps one can use the word "Love" for this). in time a sense of trust develops and grows stronger with numerous subtle tests and evidence of integrity and perhaps devotion...
as this trust deepens we each reach a point of certainty, that this person is what they seem, that we know that with certainty. and this (my good friend asserts, and i agree) is the better path to submission than rushing or taking chances with unknown quantities.

of course i am interested in the ambivalence when a sub wants the excitement of submitting early to someone when the hormones are raging, but wants to minimise risk... risk can be arousing! how do we learn to strike that balance? what mistakes do we make along the way?...

[Belgarold]

I apologize if you felt I was directing my comments at you angela, I was not. I believe that there is a certain amount of risk in all that we do and sometimes that is the 'hit.'

But to blanketly state that "everything we do is consensual" is irresponsible and flat wrong. There ARE those that are preying on women (and men) and especially those women (and men) that are willing to take a little extra risk.

And this is a BDSM site that had a long history of being welcoming to all of those that are interested in finding out more about the lifestyle. To get petulant and snippy and, yes, superior, as SilverWolf did was unnecessary and rude. THAT is where my comments were directed, not in your direction.

I think your question was more than valid.

[Pearlgem]

I don't have a safeword. Is that considered risky behaviour, beyond the pale, non consensual? It doesn't mean to say I can't get something to stop if it's beyond me, I just can't do it that way; I trust my Master to 'read' me. I tried having a safeword and I hopelessly overused it. I find it much better not to have that little 'get out clause' lingering temptingly in my head and just put myself under my Master's judgement of what I can take (we're talking pain here). It makes him incredibly attentive to me (and me to him) and I feel safe to trust him. He doesn't let me down.

I would not advise this generally, folks, but in my relationship with my Master of six years, this is how things have developed.

'Love, trust, submit' just about sums it up.

[jeanne]

I don't have a safeword. Is that considered risky behaviour, beyond the pale, non consensual? It doesn't mean to say I can't get something to stop if it's beyond me, I just can't do it that way; I trust my Master to 'read' me. I tried having a safeword and I hopelessly overused it. I find it much better not to have that little 'get out clause' lingering temptingly in my head and just put myself under my Master's judgement of what I can take (we're talking pain here). It makes him incredibly attentive to me (and me to him) and I feel safe to trust him. He doesn't let me down.

I would not advise this generally, folks, but in my relationship with my Master of six years, this is how things have developed.

I think that over time, a D/s relationship can develop along this path. My Owner has begun to tread that path - the last time we were together He took away my safeword for a particular act. He told me the day before that it would not be available to me, so I had time to prepare myself mentally. Frankly, I would never ever do that with anyone else. But, we've been together long enough (a year and a half) and trust each other enough to be able to begin experimenting with the "edgier" aspects of D/s. I like that we are in that place together.

BTW - it was HOT! :D

[LolitaDoll]

Unfortunately I've had plenty of non-ssc experiences. My ex husband turned our shared love of BDSM into abuse and domestic violence. There wasn't a day that went by that at some point, I thought I was going to die. He's choke me until right when my eyes would start to roll back and stop before I'd pass out and he'd come close to killing me neither every day. It got to the point that I didn't want to have anything to do with him, let alone sexually.

My current relationship is so much better. We never have any non-ssc experiences. If one of us doesn't consent, we don't do it. Period. I feel safe finally and I love it.

[Veralynne]

Thanks LolitaDoll for sharing your experiences. There can be a thin line sometimes between BDSM and real abuse- but that line is consent. If it wasn't something you really wanted- he was just being an asshole and didn't really care about your feelings. You sound brave and I'm glad you found the strength to get out, move on, and not give up your desires.


Jeanne-

Sounds hot to me! ;-)

[denuseri]

I am so sorry you went through the same kind of thing as too many of us HUGS you tight Lolita.

We do have a support group here at the site just for submissives that have survived such things and secondary survivors are welcome as well.

It can be found through the following link and or the Abuse support group sancturary found in the social groups section of your profiles.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730

[SilverWulf]

And this is a BDSM site that had a long history of being welcoming to all of those that are interested in finding out more about the lifestyle. To get petulant and snippy and, yes, superior, as SilverWolf did was unnecessary and rude. THAT is where my comments were directed, not in your direction.


Petulant, snippy... superior?

LMAO*

Dude, get a grip.

*laughing my ass off

[Belgarold]

Petulant, snippy... superior?

LMAO*

Dude, get a grip.

*laughing my ass off

Annnnnnnnnd my point is made.

:-)

[Pearlgem]

Boys, would you like to take your balls out to the yard? The grown ups are talking.

[leah06]

Or just take your balls out?

Oh, no. Maybe put them away. Thanks.

[thepast]

GENTLEMEN & LADIES!!!!!!! THIS IS A LAST & FINAL WARNING. Keep the conversation CIVIL & direct the comments at the TOPIC not at PEOPLE. Any further PERSONALLY DIRECTED COMMENTS that have any hint of flamming or innuendo of the same will be pulled & you will be banned without further warning.

ENOUGH!!!!!!!