Life

[Mizar]

Ok so not BDSM in anyway really except that my girl is my sub. This is more I am completely lost and I have no idea where to turn (wonderful how it seems like every thread I start is because I dont know where else to turn because of problems).

So I was with my girl for three years, she said no sex until marriage and she actualy convinced me that it sex should only ever be given to the ONE person who means the most to you and who you love and is not something to just be....given out. Previously I was like every guy practicaly, sex didnt mean much, I wouldnt push for it ever or anything but it was like if I get sex great but w/e. I was still a virgin because of that stand point when we started going out, so was she. We went out for awhile and ended up sleeping with eachother because we were so in love with eachother when it happened.

We went through rough times and dealt with so many problems and always came out the worse for wear but we dealt and were ok. Then a few months ago...the day before I ask her to marry me, she leaves me. I try to get her back for two weeks till she asks me to leave her alone. So I stop talking to her for a little bit. Then she asks me to be with her. I told her the best answer I could give was I would think about it, I was still so in love with her but I was afraid of her leaving again and I wanted to make sure we were both ready. Then a week later she asks again, I give the same answer. Between the two my "best friend" who I had asked to make sure she was ok etc. because I couldnt be there....hung out with her and started making out with her and then had sex with her, she says that she didnt stop it but feels horrible for it etc. and...I do believe her but...still...now...I cant seem to get over it and I want it to be ok, I want us to be together and happy but I dont know if I can do that anymore because of that simple thing.

Its causing so many problems because I lash out and make her feel horrible and I cant seem to get over it. And Im going to lose her again and forever Im right on the brink because this morning I was the fool that got so angry and upset that in my anger I called her a dumb cunt. So I dont know how to respond I lost control and I have no control over anything and the only thing I have control over is myself and I dont think, after this morning plus the fact that I cant get over what she did (only once) that Im not even in control of myself. If anyone can say anything that would be so...utterly appreciated.

[Carpe Coma]

When I read that third paragraph, all I can think is "WTF?". Something is definitely not kosher here. Either the two of you aren't as "in love" as you thought, or your best friend isn't a good friend at all, or the whole "no sex until marriage" was a load of crap from her, or any/all of the above. Don't take this the wrong way, but you sound like a horrible judge of character. The "no sex until marriage" followed by "except for us because we are sooo in love" sounds like she is either extremely manipulative or immature.

I think you need sit down and take a really hard look and see if the relationship is really worth saving. It's easy to see relationships through rose glasses while you are in them, and this goes doubly for the person you lost your virginity to. Did she ever adequately explain why she freaked when you asked her to marry you? Why did you refuse to take her back at first? The reasoning behind both those actions speak volumes about you really feel. Has anyone you know commented on your relationship with her? have you asked them?

Secondly, why didn't you arrange for some space after the "friend" incident? She says she feels horrible, but has she actually asked for forgiveness? Because if you are still lashing out, you definitely haven't forgiven her yet. What did the two of you decide to do to help repair the relationship after the breech? (I'm guessing nothing)

Finally, work on how you pick your friends. Don't pick them because they are "funny" or "cool". Those are what your buddies should be. Friends are the ones that help clean up when the shit hits the fan, not use it as a chance to fuck your girlfriend.

[Ozme52]

And who is in control here?

Sounds to me like you've got a sub who calls the shots... and while that works for some... it sounds like you're miserable.

Rereading the last bit, you're mad at yourself for not remaining calm... and of course, that likely further saps any remaining perspective of you being dominant in her eyes.

Take a hard look at yourself and determine if you're angry at her or angry at yourself. If the former, talk to her and tell her what she has to do to resume the relationship (assuming she wants to AND that you want it to resume,) but if you're angry at yourself... in my opinion, you've already made that determination and you really don't want it to resume... (despite your intellectual perspective that you need to try.)

That said, only you can really know your mind and heart. We just see the small part you've shared... and we extrapolate that into our own personal contexts. Our answers are biased by our own contexts.

But it's a great opportunity to really examine your own context and make a decision you won't come to rue.

[Mizar]

When we had sex we were immature and already talking about marriage etc. so it seemed "fine" because we were going to be married. and as to why I said Id think about it instead of yes. I wanted to say yes, but one of the first things I had done, since it seemed like it wasnt going to work out, was drowned out any thoughts of her by being with another girl, and I didnt want to say yes, and then tell that girl hey...um...later. because I hate hurting people (emotionaly) so I told her I had to think about it and also I wanted to make sure that, since I wasnt in the relationship, if I could see it with the "rose colored glasses" off. As to space...we did/I did take some space, I ended everything and looked and Im quite bipolar (not official) but some days and times I feel like....ok fine, shit happens and this is what people do etc. and some days its like...hey I cant deal with this, and quite honestly its only when I meet a girl that hasnt done those things that it upsets me when they have sex for the first time etc. if I meet them and theyve slept with 100 people, meh, it doesnt really bother me...because I wasnt involved at all in the situation perse. as to friends, believe me, I have realized this, I kept hanging out with those old friends because I had known them for years, and I do now choose my friends on quality, and I have for some time now.

As to forgiveness, shes...quite defiant as in she regrets it and whatnot, but she doesnt view it as needing forgiveness because we werent dating. And while this is technicaly true, its not how I feel on the matter. and to what she has to do to resume the relationship, I have racked my mind and I cant find a single thing in my own thoughts that would...make it easier or seem like she does regret it and whatnot for the whole forgiveness, although she has asked me to punish her and whatnot I dont know what I would do etc. and it doesnt help that before I was in Illinois where she is, and now I have moved to Virginia. And I am quite bad on the whole distance punishment, it only makes me feel so good and like it acomplished something as opposed to if I was there and it was my hand or in person I watched her do it etc.

I thank you both, deeply, for the insight, for as Oz said, I have only put out so much of the situation and you can only give insight from your own experiences, but seeing as I am quite young, 19, and I have really only experienced things with her in life. All I can ask for is what someone elses experiences have tought them and see what seems correct and see where these choices and my life lead me so that I may gain my own experiences.

And my "friend" isnt a good friend at all in response the other two are still possible truths but as for a fact, he isnt a good friend and Ive known this for quite some time, but I had thought after everything Ive done for him etc. he would do the one thing I asked of him and was serious about and really meant, watch her and make sure shes ok. I thought he would attempt it anyways but I thought she would stop him atleast, but of course being the son of a bitch he is, he waited till she was having a really bad time with her family, school was bad, work was stressing her out, her friends were pissed at her, and I had just essentialy told her I wouldnt date her, for him to come on to her.