BDSM is unhealthy!?!?!?!?

[wind_dancer{W_W}]

Okay so i was talking to my therapist and i for reasons im not going to go into i told her about the fact that i am a slave and all of that crap, and like most people she knows NOTHING about it. She misconstrues the whole idea of a Dom/me as someone that controls all the sub/slaves thoughts, feelings and that the sub/slave has absolutely no say in any little thing ever.

She thinks its unhealthy because i have had a semi-abusive past that i just recently told her about. i need help!!!!! i need to make her see that her ideas about the BDSM world are completely misconstrued please give me ideas about what to tell her to make her understand PLEASE!!!


Thank You
auriel

[Veralynne]

Hey,

I used to go to a therapist awhile ago- and I was thinking of going back, but I was worried about the same thing. I didn't know if I'd be able to be honest with her about my relationship without her characterizing it as unhealthy- so I am interested to hear what other people have to say about this. Is it just that she does not understand how it works? Or does she understand but just still think it's unhealthy?

If it really is a common thing for therapists to regard an M/s relationship as unhealthy I'd like to know- perhaps I'd look for one sympathetic to the lifestyle.

[leah06]

Sometimes people need to be educated slowly. I think the first thing to do is to be very clear about how the therapist's attitude is affecting the therapy. "You seem to have some preconceived ideas about this. It's hard for me to tell you about my experience because I feel that you are filtering it through your own negative feelings about this."

I think you also need to be clear about what works for you in the relationship. In what way does this relationship differ from the abusive one you had in the past? Is the relationship therapeutic for you in any way?

You might try sending the therapist to this site or some others to see how people manage some of these relationships.

[Carpe Coma]

If I was a therapist working with someone who has had past abuse, I would be concerned about their involvement. Let's be honest, many aspects of BDSM can run very close to abuse and some will try to hide behind it as an excuse for abuse. Like anything, it can be healthy and unhealthy. If you want her to see it in a good light, be transparent. Don't try to sugarcoat your relationship, don't get riled up and defensive, and try to give her as neutral a view as possible. The more you try to "convince" her that it is good for you, the more she is going to be concerned.

[angela_shy]

If I was a therapist working with someone who has had past abuse, I would be concerned about their involvement. Let's be honest, many aspects of BDSM can run very close to abuse and some will try to hide behind it as an excuse for abuse. Like anything, it can be healthy and unhealthy. If you want her to see it in a good light, be transparent. Don't try to sugarcoat your relationship, don't get riled up and defensive, and try to give her as neutral a view as possible. The more you try to "convince" her that it is good for you, the more she is going to be concerned.

a very sensible and pragmatic approach. i would add to that by saying you need to acknowledge to the therapist where there are genuine risks of harm, and discussing how you intend to mitigate them; for instance by recognising signs of "wannabe Doms", or by being cautious and clear about your limits with a trusted partner who knows (and understands) enough about your abuse to avoid getting too close to danger points.

[jeanne]

It may be in your best interest to find a kink-friendly therapist. The NCSF website (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) has a list of them. This is in the United States - I don't know what other countries have for organizations.

[denuseri]

<<went through five different therapists until I finally found one that was kink friendly and non-judgmental

[Dr. Spank]

BDSM isn't unhealthy, generally speaking. In the end, it all boils down to the people involved and what you're playing at.

And the therapist isn't necessarily close-minded, just ask for a detailed explanation of why she thinks so, based on some solid concepts of course. If you aren't satisfied, find another therapist.

[wind_dancer{W_W}]

The thing is is that my semi-abuse wasnt in a relationship. It was when i was really really little and it wasnt physical abuse per se at least no beatings or other things along those lines.... also it is impossible for me to go to a different one due to certain circumstances...

[denuseri]

Unfortunately due in part to how many healthcare practicioners are trainned, bdsm is taught to be a high risk behavior that doesnt fit within the normal paramaters of society so its very very hard to find a good therapist that is able to see past the bull.

This trend is however slowly changing.

Short of switching therapists, you may wish to educate her on the reality of the subject (bdsm relationships) before allowing her to proceed with a bunch or pre-concieved half truths about this way of life.

Mabey even send her to this web site to do a little reaserch.

[GenieInABottle]

Unfortunately due in part to how many healthcare practicioners are trainned, bdsm is taught to be a high risk behavior that doesnt fit within the normal paramaters of society so its very very hard to find a good therapist that is able to see past the bull.

This trend is however slowly changing.

Working in the Psych field, I couldnt have said it better myself...Thanks Denuseri!

Moving on though, to the original poster...as a client, you have the right to ask a therapist before making an appointment if they have experience treating people with a similar case. Ask them their personal and professional opinion on BDSM and see what they have to say. BDSM is starting to be viewed as a preference and not a disorder in the psych field and you might have to search to find someone who sees it as a preference, but there are some out there!

[Matin]

in another thread here there was a list of books for bdsm beginners... perhaps you might hand her one sometime? lol i couldn't say which would be best; i don't seem to read anything but textbooks anymore...

maybe someone else here could suggest one?

[fetishdj]

Yep... it is still seen as a 'mental pathology' to have any form of fetish or BDSM related desires. Paraphillias is the technical term.

There is hope, however... these things are always being modified as times change and recently in Sweden it was taken off the list of pathologies. In the 1970s it was considered a pathology to be homosexual and that was soon changed. Mind you, they have a better union than we do... :)

[shyslut]

bdsm or paraphilia etc. Are only bad or a mental pathology IF they have negatively impaired functioning for 6 MONTHS or more.

For a therapist to just say oh thats bad without asking how it impacts you is bad.

Also even if a therapist cant get past there negative connotation Ive had success in the past explaining participation in bdsm as a crutch. As in I know it can be bad but its good for me right now and Im not ready to replace it with something else. Of course its not really a crutch and its not really something that can be replaced wholesale. But saying it that way lets them know how important and supportive it is to you.

[Veralynne]

Well- BDSM as a paraphilia would likely have affected some people here negatively for over 6 months in the sense that- paraphilia refers to sexual preferences or fetishes that exclude normal activities, i.e. if you can't get turned on/get off from vanilla sex- it's considered paraphilia.

Personally, I think I've fallen pretty close to that category. I would find it pretty hard to be aroused by "normal" sexual activity at this point. I suspect that will only likely get worse for me with time. Not that I'm complaining :-P

[shyslut]

Well generally psychiatry doesn't care if you get turned on or not lol
Negative functioning is not being able to take care of your life responsibly. Taking care of children, holding down a job etc. But also one more criteria. That is being distressed over your condition. If you have a job and your living your life and you don't mind eschewing vanilla for other pleasures theres no issue!!

[fetishdj]

I think the definitions of what constitutes a paraphillia are somewhat mutable and a lot depends on who the therapist is and who wrote the guidelines on how to interpret the data in the DSM. The trouble with psychaitry is that symptoms of pathology listed for diagnosis are not as clear cut as they are in medicine and in medicine they are often not very clear cut at all.

Sounds like the therapist is prejudiced against alternative lifestyles. This may be because of training or whatever but you still need to feel safe with a therapist - you should be able to share everything with them without fear of judgement and they should be able to supress their own personal feelings enough to not make it obvious to you how they feel.

Out of interest... anyone out there in BDSM land actually a qualified therapist? Could be a lot of business there for them in kinky people wanting help... :)

[Kahlann]

Any relationship can be unhealthy. What any therapist worthy of their degree needs to look at and understand would be the benefits for you vs the negative aspects. The specific details of the relationship are key to understanding. If you feel your therapist is one well suited to you, it really would be in your best interest to explain your rational. If she is not receptive in any way then I would suggest it's time to go on the hunt again.

I've been seeing therapists on and off for 10 years and have yet to find a match for me. I'm still hopeful though.

[denuseri]

I think the definitions of what constitutes a paraphillia are somewhat mutable and a lot depends on who the therapist is and who wrote the guidelines on how to interpret the data in the DSM. The trouble with psychaitry is that symptoms of pathology listed for diagnosis are not as clear cut as they are in medicine and in medicine they are often not very clear cut at all.

Sounds like the therapist is prejudiced against alternative lifestyles. This may be because of training or whatever but you still need to feel safe with a therapist - you should be able to share everything with them without fear of judgement and they should be able to supress their own personal feelings enough to not make it obvious to you how they feel.

Out of interest... anyone out there in BDSM land actually a qualified therapist? Could be a lot of business there for them in kinky people wanting help... :)

I am not a licensed therapist persay alltough we did provide links to some in the Abuse Survivors Sancturary and discussed such in the following thread.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15730