balancing r/l relationship boundaries

[charliegirlnaked]

this question is about having the bdsm D/s dynamic in real life and practicle boundaries to that. My partner and I are exploring BDSM as a part of our real life relationship; he feels inclined toward Dom and I am toward sub but as we try to find our boundaries and how far we want this to be a part of our everyday existance we come to places where we butt heads so i thought i would ask how you all balance your normal everyday life (work, kids, school, friendships) with this lifestyle and more specifically the sub aspect. Any and all insight is so greatly appreciated!!!Thank you!

[lily27]

We don't have any issues in the areas you mention. Nobody would have any idea of our relationship if they met us on the street. I am respectful and obedient, but that probably just comes accross as a caring relationship. He can put me in place with the raise of an eyebrow.

We don't do any kind of micromanagement. Master gets what Master wants, but he is usually quite content leaving the minutia of the running of our household to me.

When I was working outside the home (I am currently a full-time mommy) Master didn't interfere in my career. He gave me advice when I asked, but all of the details were left to me because, quite frankly, he didn't have the knowledge about my field. I worked hard out of honour to him.

Where we have had problems finding balance is in the parents vs. M/s dynamic. I have very, very strong "Mama Bear" instincts when it comes to my daughter, and that definitely conflicts with my role as a sub. My need to submit is very strong, but I wouldn't hesitate to drop kick Master if I felt I needed to in my role as a mom. I can say that, because he knows it is true.

That is getting better as she gets a little older, sleeps a little longer, and is a little less dependent. I feel like I can put my guard down for an hour or two while she sleeps, so that Mommy and Daddy can reconnect as Master and Slave.

[devilishsub]

Communicate Communicate Communicate!
Personally, Master and I run our weekly schedules by each other on Mondays and recap every evening. If one of us wants more time with the other, we say so.
Things like school and work have to happen and we try to make our schedules match up. He has a huge exam on tomorrow so when he was out studying I cleaned his apartment for him, since I knew he didn't have time to.
We usually go out with separate groups of friends once a week, this week He happened to have to work on Saturday so I set up a girls night with my friends. However when I'm out with the girls He's free to send me a text to go take off my panties so I'm ready when I come home to Him.
Use common sense to decide what areas of life to extend the power control dynamic. I wouldn't mind my Master to pick out what I wear, but He's color blind so unless I want to look like a nutcase at work it's on me.
Talk about the time commitments and understand each others limitations. He would never ask me to clean the house and have dinner on the table when He knows I have a paper due the next day, and I wouldn't ask for playtime when He's busy. Figure out how much time you need to dedicate to the rest of life and make each other a priority.
This is the area where I really think some of the porn out there is really detrimental. It might sound sexy to only have His pleasure to worry about it, but being naked and cleaning the house all day isn't practical. I'd love to be a totally kept woman but I'd get bored and stir crazy. It's healthy to have other things going on in your life in addition to a power exchange based relationship.

[jeanne]

This is a good topic - I hope more members contribute. My Owner is coming to spend a month with me this summer and I must admit that I'm a little nervous about how our D/s relationship will work when I have my daily responsibilities to deal with such as work, time with my (grown) children, etc. I believe it will be fine - He's not the micromanagement style of Dominant. :)


I wouldn't mind my Master to pick out what I wear, but He's color blind so unless I want to look like a nutcase at work it's on me.


This is too funny (and very practical)! :p

[symphony]

well i have a semi D/s rl relationship. I only say semi because there are many instances where it is not of to say yes master! however the I always give him respect etc. We talk all the time and most of the time we are relaxed with each other, but when the kiddies have gone to bed and all our work is done he puts my collar on me and then I can really be who I am. It works for us but it might not work for everyone, especially if your after 24/7

[BryansGrrrl]

There has been only one time where I felt we needed to discuss this kind of boundary, and that is with my role as High Priestess to my coven.

While Mia'Cova would never compromise my position at work by revealing too much, my coven is very close and like family. We know each other's kinks, etc. One of my coven-mates jokingly said, "A coven is so close that we will know the color of each other's underwear". :)

Now, I don't mind them KNOWING about what I do, but I do mind them SEEING it to a certain extent. Knowing that your HPS likes to be spanked and submissive is one thing. Seeing it in action is quite another. I felt that it might be hard for some of them to respect me after seeing me beg, or be spanked things like that.

So, we respect that boundary with certain close friends, but I can allow myself to be seen as His pet with others.

[charliegirlnaked]

thank you very much hearing you discuss this is really shedding some light on the issue for me!

[miners_girl]

Master and I are in a 24/7 D/s relationship. He controls most aspects of my life including food and clothing We have a lot of contact with my family (parents,protective older sister, and bro in law),they all live around 5 miles away, and they are not aware of our kink. We get round this by him setting limits before we get to either my parents or sister's houses. We don't have children so that's not an issue yet.

With regard to work, as much as he would like to do some serious damage to my bullying boss, he leaves that aspect alone and is just there for me when I come home.

Again, when I am going out with friends he sets the limits before hand.

I wear a permanent discreet collar that looks like a necklace and have worn it for sometime with no issue, even with work.

[Guest 103013]

It was a lack of clear boundaries that ruined my first D/s relationship.

Now, as my current partner and I start to explore this together, the boundaries are pretty clear and it's working better. 24/7 takes an awful lot of dedication and energy.

A special word or phrase can be used to indicate a readiness to go into D/s mode. You can't order a sub around if they are not in a mental place to enjoy it.

[13'sbadkitty]

W/we have been pretty lucky and the boundaries have been working themselves out. i have been learning to be respectful to this degree when the kids are around, i have found a name that i can call Him that means Master in an obscure language and He has put a belled anklet on to remind me of my submission as i tend to get bratty with teenagers in the house ( i sink to their level i guess) Master has chosen a word to use when there needs to be a discussion He knows i am being honest about how i feel rather than submitting to Him. He has been consistently considerate of my work schedule and i his. W/we are getting married this spring and the longer W/we are together the more it seems right to us to live this way. i am quietly hoping He gets me one of those locking collars that looks like jewelry so i don't have to jingle but i doubt He will take it off. He said its like belling a cat. :)