What is the appeal of asshole Dom/mes?

[FrozenGrapes]

ok... This question goes out to all subs, switches and even Dom/mes if you think you can answer.

This is somthing I genuinly dont understand. What is the appeal for submissives to want a Dom/me that treats them like crap? Ok, i understand and even like humilitation, namecalling etc.. I understand and accept that there is a place for everyone in every relationship. I know where my place is and I know where others places are in relation to me.
However, regardless of my personal feelings about my relations with people, I do feel like everyone desearves a measure of care, concern and respect, if not as a partner or friend, then as a person.
I am a genuinly nice person.. I like being sweet, I think that is a strength not a weakness, I also enjoy caring for my sub. Now this being said.. I also have a sadistic streak.. one that I do not show to everybody because in reality it is not everybodys buisness.
Even when I am speaking to a sub deciding whether or not to take them under consideration, I talk to them as a person getting to know them.. and while I may subtly Dominatte things.. I am not an outright B**** to them. I researve that energy for scenes and punishment.
I have been told a few times that I am "too nice". that they want someone "meaner" or have been told I must not be a Dominant.. really a sub, because I do not think myself better than a sub. I know my role, and I know my subs role in our relationship.. and I will enforce it. btu that does not mean I think myself better persay than anyone else.

My question is this. Why the appeal to B****y Dommes? Is that really somthing you want for a longterm real life 24/7 relationship? I understand in some mroe extreme relatioships, the sub wants to be in a cage 24/7 unless needed my the Dom/me, however for the rest of us that ahve to live in the vanilla world, do you really want someone that will ALWAYS treat you as nothing more than somthing for them to use? or do you want someone approachable too?
I think that it should all be in balance.. I think there is a time and place (of the Dominants choosing) when those things should take place. but why is it seen as a weakness to want to know a submissive inside and out.. as more than a plaything? because I need to know my toys and how they work or how am I to know how to use them for my greatest pleasure? i need to know all of their buttons and functions.. so why do bitchy/bastard Dom/mes seem to make subs drip in desire.. and those that approach in a kinder way.. get.. "Youre too nice"?
Any insight would be great! Thanks!

[thegirlwonder]

*hugs* i don't think you're too nice! Personally i could never imagine playing/being with someone who didn't have my best interests at heart, and (as you know) that means cuddles and affirmation as well as a firm hand and a rough fuck. In actual relationships (i'm talking aside from the D/s dynamic atm) this care is so central, imho, because it creates a basis on which other needs (besides sexual) are met, for BOTH parties. Additionally, in respects to BDSM, it creates a mutual concern on the sub's side. If the Dom/me takes good care of the sub, naturally the sub is going to want to be their best for the Dom/me.

i think the best Dom/mes have a care for aspects of their pets other than their submission. The best Dom/mes nurture creativity, intellect, and a variety of other traits -- and you can't do that all with a crop.

*more hugs* i just don't think the people who tell you that you are too nice know shit, if you want my honest opinion.

[Skarlet]

I LOVE bitchy/asshole sadistic dom/mes....but....just during play time. Otherwise there has to be some kind caring stuff in there or I don't think I'd be involved with that person for long.

~Scarlet

[DowntownAmber]

There are so many ways to answer this question, so many subtleties that cause different folks to be drawn to different personalities. However, I think one of the largest contributing factors to your dilemma is simply that meeting other Lifestyle people and potential Lifestyle partners often happens in Lifestyle settings, whether online or in real life.

"Well, duh," I can hear you saying, "it's not like we just ask the person we flirted with in line at Starbucks whether or not they wanna spank us - of course we go seek fellow kinksters out in community settings!"

But think for a minute what that does to the initial dynamic of a relationship... When we go to a site such as this one we aren't popping our heads in the door to find a knitting partner - maybe we do make friends above and beyond the BDSM dynamic, I know I sure have, but Lifestyle discussion/fantasy/play/info is what we're here for first and foremost and when we meet a new Dom/me or sub we have the tendency to see them as that role first and as whole people only later on down the road.

A lot of people are here for play and fantasy, and it isn't necessary for them to get to know others deeply or be known themselves, they simply want the stereotype of their fantasy.

[lily27]

I don't think this is a BDSM-specific question.

I have known lots of horribly bitchy vanilla women over the years, and they have all been in relationships where they treat their partners like crap. By the same token there are lots of asshole men as well.

I am always baffled, but that is the way it is. Different strokes I guess.....

But back in the BDSM context, if anyone questions your Dominance just because you aren't a bitch, I would question how much they actually know about the lifestyle themselves. Not everyone has the same kinks and attractions, but assuming that all Doms/Dommes/subs/switches fit some kind of cookie cutter mold tends to exist only in the realm of the naive newbie.

Stay true to yourself, and you will find your perfect partner in time.

[Carpe Coma]

It is because the acting like an asshole implies social dominance in a highly visible manner. Power in a social setting is determined by who you can/can't ignore and who can't/can ignore you. That which you can't ignore controls you, that which can't ignore you, you control. Assholes can be notoriously difficult to ignore and also tend to be very good at ignoring/steamrolling others. Hence they appear to have social dominance.