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View Full Version : Safety-nets for 1st meetings



LaMarrKee
12-16-2009, 12:43 PM
I'm posting this here as I hope it will save retyping it many times later- but when one goes to meet their prospective Dom for the first time, basically you are making a blind date with someone who has already admitted he wants to hurt you...lol. So some basic precautions are in order; it only takes One bundy, or his spritual brother, to ruin your whole day, and a lot more.
My safety-net is as follows. When chatting and setting up to meet in a publc place, get his actual name and the make and license of his vehicle,and sit where you can watch traffic coming in- Watch for the plate number. If he shows up at your table without you seeing him drive in, get him to point ut where he has parked. Ask to see his drivers license, and verify his name as well- and if either are false- run. A lie is a red flag,to me. If all is well, phone your safety-net on your cellphone, and confirm the name to your Net. If you are going to go play somewhere, get the address from your 'Date', and give that info to the Net as well. And make sure the GPS locator in your phne is on and functioning.
When you arrive at the playspace, confirm once again with your net it IS the address you were given. And then comes the critical part- up till the time you are bound and gagged, you could run or fight- but this is the Rubicon; once crossed, it is hard to turn back. So- Have your net call you,ever 2-3 hrs, to check on you. Yes, it can interrupt a scene, Yes, it may seem that no-where near that time ahs passed since the last cal- yes, the Dom may tell you this is all un-needed. Don't listen. Explain that your net Must hear your voice,and speak to you, when he/she calls, even if the phone has to be held to your ear, and the gag removed so you can speak. Have 2 codes prearranged with your Net-person; for example- He's wonderful!", and 'It's Great!'.
Both sound positive- but the one means- 'all is well, call again at the proper time; the 2nd means : 'HEEELLLLP!!-send Calvary!-Now!' If you do find yourself with a bundy, him feeling he has time to play may keep you alive till the calvary arrives- and the GPS in your phone may help you be found, if he has switched locations on you. And tell your Net, in all serousness- if they do Not get to speak to you, and excuses are being made- don't delay; send the calvary- Period. Being embarrassed as they kick in the door to your little scene is a Lot better than being found in a ditch in pieces, or not found at all.
It is a little complex, but not very- it can be a little tedious, and seem rather silly sometimes- but until you know you have Not met bundy's brother, so to speak- then it can keep you alive, and relatively unharmed.
Once you know that he and you are both sane(relatively), safe( within the limits of whips, chains, and going ow-ow-ow...lol), and your play will be consensual- in short, once trust has been built up a bit- you can dispense with the Net, and play to your hearts content with no interruptions. But first time out of the box is a risky business, and should be approached as such.
And,just for the record, as a Dom, I have a similar procedure. I confirm her name, and then have her speak directly to MY Net, explaining she knows at least generally what is going to occur, she is agreeable to this, and is there of her own free will to undergo the experience. This give me at least a degree of protection aganst a psycho running to the police just after she ksses my cheek and thanks me for the session, by letting her know I have a witness if needed. I may even tell her he now has her on tape, if I am worried at all by the Vibe I am getting from her.
And that's it. I hope no-one ever finds it useful, in that it saves their lives- but I'd Far rather a newbie knows the procedure, and never needs it, than that they someday Need the net, but not have it in place. All best to all in the Season; Any comments or suggestions to make this more foolproof are welcome.

ppr128
12-16-2009, 02:04 PM
All good advice. I would also recommend that people get to know their playmates on a strictly platonic level for some time- at least a couple of weeks, months if at all possible- before taking the plunge.

It should be fun, and safe for all involved :)

The Lord Winter
12-16-2009, 05:17 PM
This is probably one of the most detailed safety net procedures I have ever read. Wonderful job!

wyldrose
12-16-2009, 10:17 PM
Yesyes, wonderfully well done LaMarr, Sir.

Something every new submissive should read! Or.. have tattooed on them. Depending on how sadistic we feel on the day. *grin*

rosebud
12-17-2009, 08:38 AM
Yes, this is all good advice, thx so much for sharing!
i'd also like to suggest that, asking for references is a good idea, and when the meeting does occur in a public place if, you should drink anything (Non-Alcoholic), guard it and if you have to go pee, take it with you! Also, should you meet and feel that you are not right for one another and part ways....watch him leave first, before going to your car and still make sure you aren't being followed.....Just my thoughts, thx again!

Ownedfyre (mm1)
12-17-2009, 12:14 PM
LMK, your insight and intelligence are always much appreciated!

:):ty

LaMarrKee
12-17-2009, 12:23 PM
Very! good points about the drinks, and guarding them; ty- I had overlooked that completely, but will include it henceforth. your input is Much appreciated.

angelic.zest
12-17-2009, 01:03 PM
i agree with ppr, getting to know the person in a plantonic level that way you can see if you can stand being around that person. Having safety calls, and precautions in place makes things for everyone. When UJD and I were together and we were going through the process of getting to know each other, he informed me that having safetycalls, and a safetynet in place had to be set up. That he wouldve felt that I didnt do my submission justice by not having one.
When i went to go meet up with him, I had safety calls in place and ppl knew my exact loactions just in case. Plus my phone stayed on me at all times, even near by when i slept. Also when he came to visit me, i made sure that people knew his whereaouts and what was going on. I made sure that my cell phone stayed on that way he knew that i wasnt trying to be dodgey.

Plus we also have to remember to use common sense. ALOT of people, especially submissives lose it, they act as if they can only think with their asscheeks or their pussies/cocks, etc. That everyone in this lifestyle is sane, and responsible, who knows ma ybe alot of people are but not all are. So making sure that you can listen and trust your gut works wonders.
Sometimes meetings dont work out, sometimes the people dont seem the same as they are online but we still have to be cautious and be able to trust ourselves when something just dont feel right.

ppr128
12-17-2009, 04:43 PM
Indeed. And if I may expand on that, I've seen a certain mentality amongs new submissives, be they male or female, that they must obey any and all dom/mes and aren't allowed to have their own likes, dislikes, limits, and what-have-you.

BDSM is a heady cocktail, and when it's combined with that, it can be a recipe for trouble. Then, too, if you are attracted to or infatuated with your playmate, it can be easy to abandon your instincts for self-preservation...

I think the key is just to try and take it slow. Anyone worth talking to, let alone playing with, will be more than understanding; if they just want to jump right in, that should set the alarm bells to ringing.

Oh, and just so that everyone reading this thread can say "Thanks for the BLAZING INSIGHT, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!" make sure you've both filled in and exchanged a checklist before you play. Those things are invaluable, and an absolute Godsend for avoiding garbled communication.

angelic.zest
12-17-2009, 05:02 PM
Indeed. And if I may expand on that, I've seen a certain mentality amongs new submissives, be they male or female, that they must obey any and all dom/mes and aren't allowed to have their own likes, dislikes, limits, and what-have-you.


Even thought my experience has been limited to online play and very few encounters in real time. I can totally agree with that statement. I am a bigheaded female, i am also very selfish, and stuborn and i complain alot, I MEAN alot. But I do like to please and i want to find someone to please, that doesnt mean that i want to forget about myself but i just want to make sure that i find someone that when i am around them. I feel the need to want to do what they ask, and not just do it because I dont want to be alone at the moment.
Being a newbie in this lifestyle with very limited real time experience, makes finding my limits hard since i have yet to have them explored but I still think being conscious of my surroundings and of the person i am playing with will help make things alot safer for the both of us.

fetishdj
12-18-2009, 02:13 AM
A public meet in a pub, restaurant or cafe before any play is even suggested is also advised. You can meet them alone or you can both bring chaperones but you should also both have mates in the same place at the same time - sitting on different tables and not getting involved unless you signal them. This is a 'first date' and you use it to chat about stuff - getting to know each other - and while you can talk about BDSM you do not engage in any.

Stone
12-18-2009, 02:32 AM
All i would add is mayhap as exciting as it is to play to not agree to a playdate on a first meeting oh course so few of us have such self control

fetishdj
12-18-2009, 03:55 AM
Another point to add - this is nothing to do with gender or role, Men and women are equally under threat, as are Dome/mes and subs. It does not matter if you are male or female or a Dom or a sub - you are still at risk of being attacked. The 'female sub' you met on the internet may actually be a male serial killer. There is at least one example of this happening in real life that I know of - thankfully not a serial killer. Someone travelled 800 miles to see a woman he had been flirting with on the internet for months only to find that she did not exist and it was his friends playing a joke on him as revenge for something. Ok, relatively harmless in that case, but it could have been much worse.

For online stuff developing into real life I would consider:

- a long period of talking online
- exchange of photos
- include some webcam chat if possible
- include some talking on the phone
- then arrange first meet somewhere neutral with chaperones/support and take it from there

Note: photos can be faked very easily and it is not always possible to spot them. You can get round this by agreeing to exchange photos with specific elements included. ie. I want a photo of you holding today's newspaper, standing in front of a bookshelf while wearing a red hat. If you both agree to do this (with you each setting parameters for the photo) you can be more sure that the person you are talking to is the person in the photo. I have seen complaints from professional Dommes, models and so on that people are going onto their sites and stealing photos to use in faked profile pics. So, ask for a photo where it cannot be stolen from somewhere else, where it is easier just to take the photo as asked.

kingzing
01-22-2010, 10:25 PM
Yes, this is all good advice, thx so much for sharing!
i'd also like to suggest that, asking for references is a good idea, and when the meeting does occur in a public place if, you should drink anything (Non-Alcoholic), guard it and if you have to go pee, take it with you! Also, should you meet and feel that you are not right for one another and part ways....watch him leave first, before going to your car and still make sure you aren't being followed.....Just my thoughts, thx again!

While I have never been in a BDSM environment, I have done a similar thing after a date. But to be sure I am not followed, I will go to a place (not my or a friends house) to hang out for up to a few hours. This should ensure that they get bored and go away.

Miner
01-23-2010, 12:27 AM
One point you missed, I think (didn't notice it when reading through the OP and replies): if, for any reason, the dominant/top you're meeting feels that a safety net is unimportant, or objects to you setting up safe calls, meeting in a public place, providing information etc., then do NOT go ahead with the meeting.

Also, I heartily recommend that you have the dominant provide a CRB (criminal records check), copy of drivers licence and a blank sheet of paper. Have the dominant/top press his/her hand on the paper, you flip it and get a hand print on the other side of the paper. Fold it and put it, together with several hairs you pluck from the dominant/top into an envelope with the CRB and drivers licence copy and post it to your safe call person yourself. If anything happens to you, that info will be vital.

Don't let the dominant know your licence plate either.

Yes. I know. It sounds very untrusting, but as the OP mentions, you're on a blind date with someone who wants to hurt you. Safety is paramount until you know the other person is trustworthy.

As a dominant, that is precisely how I always managed my first meetings. In addition, the first meeting was always on the girl's home turf, not mine.

Carpe Coma
01-24-2010, 03:50 AM
One point you missed, I think (didn't notice it when reading through the OP and replies): if, for any reason, the dominant/top you're meeting feels that a safety net is unimportant, or objects to you setting up safe calls, meeting in a public place, providing information etc., then do NOT go ahead with the meeting.

Damn. This must be why no one is willing to meet me. I don't think that safety is unimportant, but I do think that we get rather carried away at times. We over inflate the danger of the rare catastrophic event (airplane crashes anyone?) and we get seduced by the false idea of the flawless safety plan. The only perfect precaution is to never meet anyone, which is what a lot of these safety plans effectively result in. All life involves risk. You have to decide for yourself what your own risk tolerance is.


Also, I heartily recommend that you have the dominant provide a CRB (criminal records check), copy of drivers licence and a blank sheet of paper. Have the dominant/top press his/her hand on the paper, you flip it and get a hand print on the other side of the paper. Fold it and put it, together with several hairs you pluck from the dominant/top into an envelope with the CRB and drivers licence copy and post it to your safe call person yourself. If anything happens to you, that info will be vital.

Don't let the dominant know your licence plate either.

Yes. I know. It sounds very untrusting, but as the OP mentions, you're on a blind date with someone who wants to hurt you. Safety is paramount until you know the other person is trustworthy.

As a dominant, that is precisely how I always managed my first meetings. In addition, the first meeting was always on the girl's home turf, not mine.

Case in point. If someone wanted to put me through that, I would go find someone else because that's too invasive of my privacy. You know, it doth occur to me that if you feel that unsure about the other person that you think that all this is necessary, then perhaps you shouldn't be meeting this person at all.

epiphany
01-31-2010, 02:08 PM
One point you missed, I think (didn't notice it when reading through the OP and replies): if, for any reason, the dominant/top you're meeting feels that a safety net is unimportant, or objects to you setting up safe calls, meeting in a public place, providing information etc., then do NOT go ahead with the meeting.

Also, I heartily recommend that you have the dominant provide a CRB (criminal records check), copy of drivers licence and a blank sheet of paper. Have the dominant/top press his/her hand on the paper, you flip it and get a hand print on the other side of the paper. Fold it and put it, together with several hairs you pluck from the dominant/top into an envelope with the CRB and drivers licence copy and post it to your safe call person yourself. If anything happens to you, that info will be vital.

Don't let the dominant know your licence plate either.

Yes. I know. It sounds very untrusting, but as the OP mentions, you're on a blind date with someone who wants to hurt you. Safety is paramount until you know the other person is trustworthy.

As a dominant, that is precisely how I always managed my first meetings. In addition, the first meeting was always on the girl's home turf, not mine.

IMHO….This is a bit much….You have two consenting adults. Hopefully they have applied their cognitive abilities and are not thinking of sexual gratification only but of their safety. When applying LaMarrKees list and following common sense you will not have the detriment of invading someone’s privacy to that extent.

Hamishlacastle
01-31-2010, 09:44 PM
Hi I have been slowly looking for a new sub. I am concerned that she not only feel safe but know she is safe. what to do, you both fill out a contract of what will not be allowed and what will be allowed. includig safe words. You exchange docu ments photos, id licence etc. and place them in a private safety box of your own. the contract will be in there with the other persons docutments.
I love the outdoors, always carry a GPS incase of emergency. The key is to get to know your dom or sub before meeting. The last thing I want in a sub is someone who is not connected to me. A sub and I should feel a connection. In other words you like the person. go with your gut.