Domme/Dom v M/F

[Guera]

I have been making it a point to attend "Leather Community" events, lectures, muches, play parties, etc... Sometimes it is a chore, since I am not a very social person and I really detest parties. Overall I would say they have been very helpful and educational (and it makes these events so much more bearable if I frame it that way... hmmm... maybe my fetish can be walking around with a notebook and a quill pen and various medieval scientific lab devices... rofl... can anyone say "pre-tense-ush"). So, I have met some great people, everyone is nice, standard disclaimer.

But I digress.. my him does not go to these events, for reasons that I respect, and I do not feel angry nor do I start thinking about finding a new him because of this. However... I am a single female as these events, which apparently makes me fair game, though haven't had to put up with any of the crap that some submissive-oriented women have to deal with. Then this post would be a rant.

The sub males who have approached me have always been respectful and polite and non-aggressive.

The issue I have is more with Dominant men. I have never had anyone imply that THEY are the one who will switch me, and every Dom male I have dealt with directly, has been likewise polite and respectful. But... the ones who approach me, often seem to want to try to forge a more "vanilla" relationship. Maybe I would like to "cuddle" with them sometime? Maybe we can go "hang out" or "have dinner and go to a movie or a concert"? Or,for whatever reason they want to sit quietly at the same table as I do, and do gentlemanly things, just to be there. (hmm... when I think about it, that to me sounds like they are indicating submission... now thats weird-y-poo. these are not all the young fresh faced "look at me, I have leather pants" types.)

For the most part, I think these men are just reverting to how they were taught to deal with women when they were young, because they lack any other social model. My main instinct is to either ignore them or tell them to go away, which I don't think is fair- they are doing their best, they at least deserve a polite response. As I mentioned, I avoid parties if at all possible, so I have never developed the "normal" social skills involved in talking to strangers at these type events.

What should I do? (sorry, tall order)

[Archeon]

Essentially I think the problem (if it is such, damn people for being friendly and respectful *shakes fist*), is that you are meeting dominant men, dominants, not masters. Not everyone is interested in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship, and in anything other than that (and even in those to an extent) the vanilla aspect is still important, u have to be able to hang out, go see a movie etc. These vanilla interactions will make any relationship last longer that is not going to pre defined as Master/Slave 24/7.

Personally I believe if you know you are both into BDSM, and not looking for 24/7, forging the vanilla aspect first is very sensible, and at least they are not being false with you.

If it is not what you are looking for however, then all you need to say is that, in the same way you would say it to someone you were not attracted to, or didnt have compatible interests, as that is all it is.

Regards,

Arch

[fetishdj]

People are people regardless of situation or role and their responses may not be in any way linked to the lifestyle. I agree with Archeon that they are simply being polite and unless any of them step over what is a very delicate and often movable line and become harassing I don't see that you have a problem. Bear in mind, however, that the almost universally accepted definition of 'harrassment' covers any behaviour that the 'victim' feels is harrassment so the position of that line is solely in your control - if you feel that any of them are stepping over that line, I would be sure to tell them - in a polite manner, of course.

To be honest, I think many men often feel that they are walking on eggshells with regards to talking to women. Instincts scream at them to be 'manly' - decisive, strong, protecting - but some women don't want that any more. So they have to be careful to not cause offense. Dom men may be more susceptible to this than others because they tend to live with women who *do* want that manly thing and therefore it is more of an effort to switch it off when, for example, you are talking to a Domme.

[Guera]

Im definitely not worried about harassment or even being irritated in these situations. (I have felt harassed and irritated, but that was clearly not what most men "in the lifestyle" are putting out.) I think it is more that I simply do not know how to deal with the men I described earlier. It's sort of an autistic thing- I need someone to spell social issues out for me.

[Flaming_Redhead]

It happens to me a lot at the dungeon I frequent where everyone knows I'm a switch. When I go outside to smoke, nearly every man there tries to light my cigarette. My take on this phenomenon is that there are truly very few alpha males who are inclined to be responsible for another person. Many of the so-called dominants are really just tops which is why a dom/dom relationship would appeal to them. They're looking for an equal partner in life, and strong women are attractive. That's my 2 cents, anyway.

[_ID_]

I find social events to be like an interactive play. If I choose to participate it will be that much more interesting, but if I don't, and simply watch the evening can still be very entertaining without my active involvement.

So with that notion in mind. Interact with those that interest you, and give simple declining replies to those who approach you that you have no interest in.

Let me give you an example:

I attended our local group munch pretty regularly and became a regular fixture there, though not actively involved in what was presented. People of course knew me, but didn't invite me to the after parties, or to show anyone how to do anything. I was fine with that, I enjoyed talking with them, and leaving when the time came.

At some point one of the submissive women there who needs everyones approval, and is an exhibitionist, noted that I would give disapproving looks to things she would do. I would never say anything, as that wasn't my place. I wasn't her Dom or Master so I shouldn't. I knew this, and respected those boundaries. Well one day she approaches me, and lets me know she thinks I tell things how I see them, and I acknowledge that was a true statement. She asked me what I thought of her. I of course told her, and she asked me to correct her when I thought she needed it. I declined of course, as it wasn't my place to do that kind of thing. She had a Dominant/Master and I told her that the protocol of such a relationship meant it wasn't my place to do that kind of thing. In the end she had her feelings hurt, but I didn't have to worry if I was over stepping any boundaries, both for myself as well as for their relationship.

In short, I was declining a person who wanted some sort of interaction from me. I wasn't willing, and said as much. People don't always like brutal honesty, but when they get it, they respect you for it.

Since your goals in the community are not to become connected, and get some sort of position of authority or prominence. Being brutally honest is not going to cost you anything.

[Guera]

thanks IDCD, that was a little kick that I probably needed

[Miner]

It happens to me a lot at the dungeon I frequent where everyone knows I'm a switch. When I go outside to smoke, nearly every man there tries to light my cigarette. My take on this phenomenon is that there are truly very few alpha males who are inclined to be responsible for another person. Many of the so-called dominants are really just tops which is why a dom/dom relationship would appeal to them. They're looking for an equal partner in life, and strong women are attractive. That's my 2 cents, anyway.

Perhaps you misread the action? I would light a lady's cigarette without a second thought, and when I smoked, I did so frequently - for dommes and female switches. It is indeed a power thing, I think, but not one where I submit in doing so. It's more along the lines of me dominating a female smoker, by treating her like a (helpless) lady.

I think you'll find that a lot.

[_ID_]

thanks IDCD, that was a little kick that I probably needed

You're welcome

ID

[Flaming_Redhead]

Perhaps you misread the action? I would light a lady's cigarette without a second thought, and when I smoked, I did so frequently - for dommes and female switches. It is indeed a power thing, I think, but not one where I submit in doing so. It's more along the lines of me dominating a female smoker, by treating her like a (helpless) lady.

I think you'll find that a lot.

It's a Southern gentleman thing and also an attempt to get my attention. I would hardly view treating me like a lady as domination of any kind, unless it's me dominating them. I find it amusing that a dominant would ignore the obvious submissives out there to try to fill up my dance card instead by using flattery or even a dare. You know what they say. Sex is power.