StormKat
01-18-2010, 07:40 AM
I stumbled across the Library around a year and a half ago, when I was confused and lost and alone after having been tossed to the curb like trash by a dom I’d never even wanted, when he moved away and took a new job. I’d barely even heard of BDSM before I met him, hadn’t wanted any part of it when he told me about it, fought him for over a year because I didn’t want to submit. Six months later, when I’d finally learned to like submitting, he was gone. After finding this site, I turned to the Forums for help.
How ironic is it that I’m back in that same lost, confused, alone place, but this time because of the man who helped me understand what happened with that original guy, who taught me the difference between BDSM and abuse? How ironic is it that having given myself, given everything, to this man voluntarily instead of having had it taken from me still leads to the same desolate place?
It was good from the start, he was so knowledgeable, so experienced, so helpful in explaining things I’d never heard of – safe words, limits, being allowed to say no. We became friends, had so much in common, and the first time I met him, spent the weekend with him, made anything I’d ever known before pale in comparison. We parted as friends and continued to talk/chat/email pretty much daily, planning for him to visit me when he would be on the road next. I didn’t ask him for relationship, didn’t even want one.
During his first visit last spring, that time he spent in my home with me, things changed, moved beyond just friendship. Or so I thought. I could give dozens of examples of why I believed I mattered to him, things he said and did – telling me that his feelings had grown over the time since that initial weekend, calling what was between us a relationship, asking for and getting exclusive control to the most intimate part of my body, updating his FetLife profile to discuss me and tagging me as his sub – but I guess it doesn’t matter because he said those things don’t mean to him what they did to me.
I always knew he was poly, he was very open about that and I was ok with the arrangement that this wasn’t an exclusive situation on either of our parts. There were some issues over the summer, reading things he said about his primary sub that seemed to be making comparisons that I always came up short on. It took me a while to understand that he liked that we were very different but both high-quality women; he said he had only the most excellent of tastes and wouldn’t take less than the best. She and I started talking, worked through some of those problems, and got to know each other. I’m glad she’s my friend and I’m looking forward to meeting her in person in a couple weeks.
He said that it’s his fault, for letting things between us progress to this point, for not resisting me being so cute and fun to be with, for giving in and giving more of himself than he should have, for not addressing this situation sooner. He’s sorry that he didn’t help me from getting overwhelmed by what it was like to submit voluntarily for the first time, for letting our emotional commitments get to such different levels. He wants to still be friends, to talk sports and motorcycles, to still help me as a domme if I want. He said he wouldn’t abandon me like that original jackass did. But any D/s stuff would be a bad idea, even if he might still want it.
I don’t even know what to do or say – everything I thought I understood of what existed between us was evidently wrong. I gave him everything he asked of me, held nothing back, tried so very hard to be a good sub even though it’s not a real natural thing for me. I thought I’d done well! I feel so stupid for not knowing what he really meant or thought behind his words and actions, for believing in him so completely, for believing he cared too.
I now have to live with the knowledge that I’ll never again feel those things that only he could give, never know anything but ghosts and memories of what had been so wonderful. I feel like I must have done something terribly wrong but I don’t understand what or how I fucked up so badly to lose something this important. I thought I was more than just some random chick he hit up for crash space when he was on the road, that I was special. I thought that him acknowledging me as his sub, out of hundreds of girls that would have happily been in that place, meant something. I thought I was the sub of a great man, a wise and experienced dom who would guide and push and protect me as I learned to submit. But now, now I’m just a sports buddy; now I’m just nothing.
How ironic is it that I’m back in that same lost, confused, alone place, but this time because of the man who helped me understand what happened with that original guy, who taught me the difference between BDSM and abuse? How ironic is it that having given myself, given everything, to this man voluntarily instead of having had it taken from me still leads to the same desolate place?
It was good from the start, he was so knowledgeable, so experienced, so helpful in explaining things I’d never heard of – safe words, limits, being allowed to say no. We became friends, had so much in common, and the first time I met him, spent the weekend with him, made anything I’d ever known before pale in comparison. We parted as friends and continued to talk/chat/email pretty much daily, planning for him to visit me when he would be on the road next. I didn’t ask him for relationship, didn’t even want one.
During his first visit last spring, that time he spent in my home with me, things changed, moved beyond just friendship. Or so I thought. I could give dozens of examples of why I believed I mattered to him, things he said and did – telling me that his feelings had grown over the time since that initial weekend, calling what was between us a relationship, asking for and getting exclusive control to the most intimate part of my body, updating his FetLife profile to discuss me and tagging me as his sub – but I guess it doesn’t matter because he said those things don’t mean to him what they did to me.
I always knew he was poly, he was very open about that and I was ok with the arrangement that this wasn’t an exclusive situation on either of our parts. There were some issues over the summer, reading things he said about his primary sub that seemed to be making comparisons that I always came up short on. It took me a while to understand that he liked that we were very different but both high-quality women; he said he had only the most excellent of tastes and wouldn’t take less than the best. She and I started talking, worked through some of those problems, and got to know each other. I’m glad she’s my friend and I’m looking forward to meeting her in person in a couple weeks.
He said that it’s his fault, for letting things between us progress to this point, for not resisting me being so cute and fun to be with, for giving in and giving more of himself than he should have, for not addressing this situation sooner. He’s sorry that he didn’t help me from getting overwhelmed by what it was like to submit voluntarily for the first time, for letting our emotional commitments get to such different levels. He wants to still be friends, to talk sports and motorcycles, to still help me as a domme if I want. He said he wouldn’t abandon me like that original jackass did. But any D/s stuff would be a bad idea, even if he might still want it.
I don’t even know what to do or say – everything I thought I understood of what existed between us was evidently wrong. I gave him everything he asked of me, held nothing back, tried so very hard to be a good sub even though it’s not a real natural thing for me. I thought I’d done well! I feel so stupid for not knowing what he really meant or thought behind his words and actions, for believing in him so completely, for believing he cared too.
I now have to live with the knowledge that I’ll never again feel those things that only he could give, never know anything but ghosts and memories of what had been so wonderful. I feel like I must have done something terribly wrong but I don’t understand what or how I fucked up so badly to lose something this important. I thought I was more than just some random chick he hit up for crash space when he was on the road, that I was special. I thought that him acknowledging me as his sub, out of hundreds of girls that would have happily been in that place, meant something. I thought I was the sub of a great man, a wise and experienced dom who would guide and push and protect me as I learned to submit. But now, now I’m just a sports buddy; now I’m just nothing.