New Domme

[mistegp]

Just registered on site. Looking to make new domme friends and share knowledge.

[Ladyluck]

Me too! I have been registered on a different site but I haven't found what I am looking for yet. I hope it is here.

[mistegp]

I really like this site thus far and the people are really nice also.

[thir]

Just registered on site. Looking to make new domme friends and share knowledge.

Hi and welcome :-)

[dewran59]

Hello and Welcome!!!

[Ozme52]

Just registered on site. Looking to make new domme friends and share knowledge.

Just domme friends? :d

[***Kate***]

Greetings,
wellcome to the group

Kate

[fetishdj]

Welcome to the site! I hope you enjoy it here, there is lots to do and read...

[useandabuseme]

recently I came to this site as a sub and I have found my Master and I am very happy. Along with finding my Master I also received the opportunity to have my own sub. I took up the offer and have found a sub of my own. However, I have spent so much time as a sub and have greatly enjoyed it I do now know how to be a Mistress. I need the assistance and advice of other Domme either experienced or new! thank you all!!
~use

[Crimson{kacey}]

Hello and welcome. I agree the people here are great.

[Jennifer Williams]

The first key to being a Mistress is to remember the greatest Trick- the little subs are who are in control! Being a Domme is such hard work, because you have to give them what they need, what they want, what they crave- all the while under the illusion that it is really what You want and what You crave. You have to pay so close attention to their cues, their body language, their face, their voice. It is so difficult to know if you are doing it right, because so often they can't tell you! Especially men, who are naturally bad at communicating in the first place (that is not meant to be an insult!), in my experience they need so, so much encouragement in order for you to get them to tell you what they need! Or you can figure it out through trial and error (one day he tried to get up and I just naturally pushed him down with my knee on his chest and he squeaked "more knees, please..." but you don't usually get that lucky).

Just remember that especially when starting off new, but always, you have to have to communicate. Maybe they can't talk during a session; then talk before, talk after. Ask him afterward, simply, "how did it go?" I can't tell you how many times he's said "I wish you would do ____ more." and I was totally surprised! And I've been with my little one for four years. Hope this advice does help!

P.S.- Sometimes it helps them if you encourage them to phrase it as begging rather than asking (Example: "Please, Mistress, please please bite my cock I'll do anything for you if you bite my cock." (gives you all the power, while still letting you know what they need) rather than just "I wish you would bite my cock more." <- that is scary for them))

[chuck]

...the little subs are who are in control! Being a Domme is such hard work, because you have to give them what they need, what they want, what they crave- all the while under the illusion that it is really what You want and what You crave.I don't doubt that the subs have a lot of control over a caring Domme and that being the dominant in a relationship is the harder of the two positions. But for the Domme to have to project an illusion to satisfy the wants and needs of the submissive sounds like a mismatched couple. By selling an illusion, the Domme is betraying what should be the sub's primary concern; satisfying the needs and wants of the Domme.

[Jennifer Williams]

Hmmmm... maybe I have misphrased myself. At no point did I mean to misconstrue that the Domme did not get her needs and desires fulfilled! I suppose I just took it for granted that of course that goes without saying! What I meant to say was that a very good dominant is able to get the needs of both people satisfied (if she so desires).

For example, my little one absolutely loves, loves, loves to be suffocated. Some days I may make him beg for it, or complete tasks where that is the prize. Other days he may be punished by choking, but either way it turns him on to delicious levels. If he is very bad, he may not get it at all. But since I am the one in control, I need to be the one paying attention, making sure we do not go too far- because he will allow himself to get passed out (scary!) That was what I meant by paying attention to cues.

[Crimson{kacey}]

So what you're saying is there is a lot of control for both (in a good relationship). As the Domme must learn what the sub actually wants. Therefore, control to the sub. And then the sub must wait to see how, when and to what extent those needs are met. Overall, what I see, is that both should gain excitement and anticipation through creativity.

[Jennifer Williams]

Yes, that is what I meant. True deliciousness comes when both partners have their "needs" met, and what that is depends completely on the individual. In my general experience, subs need to know that their dominant is in control, not them. The subs I have known get terribly frightened and frustrated if they believe they have any sort of control, even for a moment. So even if a dominant decides they want to do something that they know the sub likes, they need to present it in a way that still keeps all of the power of the situation in the dominant's hands. That was what I meant by "trick"- that is the hardest part of being a dominant.

I've often thought of it this way- the sub has control over whether they consent (if you take that away then it is abuse), and they have the power of their safe word if they need it to end, and everything else in between is Mine. ;)

[Crimson{kacey}]

I've often thought of it this way- the sub has control over whether they consent (if you take that away then it is abuse), and they have the power of their safe word if they need it to end, and everything else in between is Mine. ;)[/QUOTE]



I said almost that exact thing in a different discussion about limits and choices.

[chuck]

So even if a dominant decides they want to do something that they know the sub likes, they need to present it in a way that still keeps all of the power of the situation in the dominant's hands. That was what I meant by "trick"- that is the hardest part of being a dominant.
I can understand that a dominant can initiate an action that the sub enjoys and still retain their dominance. I was questioning the need for the dominant to provide "the illusion that it is really what You [the dominant] want and what You crave."(emphasis mine)

[Jennifer Williams]

As I said, I just phrased it badly. Illusion was a poor choice of words; what I was trying to say was this: my sub likes to be tied up on the floor, I prefer him tied to the bed posts (mmm...so sexy). Some days I'm going for my pleasure and he gets tied to the bed. Other days, my real goal is his pleasure, so I will tie him up on the floor- but I don't say "Let's do things your way today and I'll tie you on the floor", no, he'd go soft in ten seconds and probably cry, if I said that. Instead I'll say "You don't deserve a nice soft bed, get your ass on the floor under Mistress's feet, where you belong." And then he gets nice and hard and his ears get all red and that does please me, plenty! So it's not the activity (where he's tied) that matters as much as his mindset (believing that absolutely everything I do is always for my own selfish pleasure, when that is not quite always true).

I do hope that makes it more clear!

[chuck]

So it's not the activity (where he's tied) that matters as much as his mindset (believing that absolutely everything I do is always for my own selfish pleasure, when that is not quite always true).
I know I'm splitting hairs here, but I think they are important. I find it interesting your answer in the parentheses still revolves around an untruth. Despite your protest, illusion is a good word for it. It has its place in roll play.

In your floor example, wouldn't it be more honest to simply say: "I'm tying you on the floor," it's a done deal. You just chose to do it and you have no need to justify your choice. If he knows you dislike it and you feel the need to justify it, it seems like false reasons (like he doesn't deserve the bed) ring hollow. Closer to the truth might be: "I'm going to reward you (or do you a favor) and tie you to the floor." If you feel he needs to feel power from you, wouldn't a threat of: "Enjoy it. You're going to pay dearly for the privilege," be just as effective?

[Jennifer Williams]

I have said things like that, too. But I suppose it is hair-splitting, since lots of things I say during play are "untruths", but don't we all do this? I might tell him he's worthless because I know he wants to hear it and it feels damn good to say, but I don't really actually think that, and he knows it. It works the other way, too: he might say "Yes, Mistress, please more" to lots of things he doesn't really want more of- because he wants to please me, so he says what he knows I want to hear.

I think though that is part of what makes it so good: the playing pretend. Also, what you might like to hear will be different from what someone else wants to hear (trust me, "not deserving" is a line that will get him really turned on, really fast). And that is what I mean by being a good Domme; knowing what to say to your sub that makes the best experience for everyone, not just yourself.

PS- I love hearing things from another sub's point of view, I've been with mine for such a long time, this is fun!

[chuck]

...being a good Domme; knowing what to say to your sub that makes the best experience for everyone, not just yourself.Agreed


PS- I love hearing things from another sub's point of view, I've been with mine for such a long time, this is fun!Take what I say for what it's worth. Most of my experience is in vanilla relationships. My D/s advice is mostly extrapolation and speculation.

[Jennifer Williams]

Ah, but didn't we all start there, with all of this as just thoughts and feelings? Your opinion is still valid in my point of view.

[chuck]

Your opinion is still valid in my point of view.Thank you. I offered the disclaimer so you would have a handle on the perspective. Frankly, I think my opinion is valid or I wouldn't offer it.

As to my point about the dangers of maintaining an illusion, I capitulated when I realized that we were talking about different intents.

You were talking illusion similar to a magician who saws a lady in half. He blatantly lies and uses trickery to convince the audience that the lady has been sectionalized but he doesn't expect anyone to really believe it. They just enjoy the illusion.

I was talking about the illusion a fake psychic presents where he uses trickery to get the audience to really believe he can talk to the dead. He may have good intentions such as comforting surviving family members, but his deception has potential of causing great pain, particularly if the illusion is broken.

[Jennifer Williams]

Exactly! I am so glad we were able to see eye-to-eye.

[chuck]

Exactly! I am so glad we were able to see eye-to-eye.I'm not real good at that "eye-to-eye" thing. With most gals, my gaze usually drops a bit.

[Jennifer Williams]

Are you flirting with me? ;)

[chuck]

Are you flirting with me? ;)I don't see why you would even think that.

[Jennifer Williams]

No offense meant, so sorry :)

[chuck]

No offense meant, so sorry :)None taken. I was being coy. To answer your question; Yes.

[Ozme52]

I don't see why you would even think that.

A winky motie would have conveyed your intent here. ;)


;)

[chuck]

A winky motie would have conveyed your intent here. ;)


;)I try not to rely on them. But you're right. There are times when the inflection that seems obvious in my head doesn't translate well in plain text. Thanks for the advice.

[fetishdj]

Thats why we have to have emoticons :) Because other people cannot see inside our heads when we type.

[chuck]

Thats why we have to have emoticons :) Because other people cannot see inside our heads when we type.I'm usually limited to one emoticon then.:hubbahubb:

[Jennifer Williams]

*sigh* No, I cannot read your mind. Might be nice if I could :P

[chuck]

*sigh* No, I cannot read your mind. Might be nice if I could :P:hubbahubb These smiley thingies are supposed to help.;rose;

[PixieStick]

I'm glad I stumbled onto this thread. I'm new as well and have an online sub. I'm doing lots of reading right now, trying to find ideas that suit us best. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Jennifer Williams]

Well, what are the forms of communication you are using? Do you send PMs, IMs, email, cameras, voice chat, chat rooms, or something else (I think I got it all)?

[PixieStick]

We IM alot, he has to email me daily, he's super busy and it's only a line or two, but most of the time he does at least do it. We've sent a couple pics, not alot. He has a cam on his PC but it doesnt get used regularly. That's it for now, =) we're just beginning

[Jennifer Williams]

You could maybe increase the daily email to a paragraph or two and require him to tell you about his day, every day, like a journal entry. And I don't think you should let days missed slide, unless you approved ahead of time (or if you want to give a pre-approved list of "permitted reasons emails can be missed", or something like that).

The first step towards control is just plain learning about the person. The greater the detail, the greater the control. You can increase the necessary detail as you go. For example, you can start with "I ate lunch at one o'clock" as being acceptable, then after a few of those require what was eaten for lunch, then why that meal was chosen, then after doing that for awhile you'll get to know his routine so you can alter it.

That's just one example. Food is an easy thing because you know a person has to do it every day. Same with sleeping, peeing, getting dressed, etc.

[fetishdj]

You could also set up a blog for you both to post to and comment on. Set it to private (only you and he can access it) and use it for:

1) Him reporting on his day/writing his journal. You can do this daily, weekly whenever
2) Him reflecting on his thoughts and feelings
3) Him being allowed to feedback on tasks you set him - both reporting the results (and you can attach photos or even video to most blogs) and him telling you what he thought about the task
4) You assigning him tasks for him to complete
5) Your thoughts and feelings about the relationship so far
6) Your feedback to him about how well/badly he completes tasks and assignment of punishment/reward tasks.

A blog is a little more 'formal' than an e-mail and so he may feel more inclined to write more. Also, making it once a week to report allows him to schedule it better around his other life.

[PixieStick]

Thank you so much for these suggestions! They are greatly appreciated. =)

[denuseri]

Just remember when doing anything online bdsm or otherwise: setting something on "private" doesnt mean it stays that way or that those you dont wish to access it cannot gain said access with just a little work on their part.

Be aware, pics, cam sessions, what you type into an email or forum or in chat (yes even a private chat) or unto an instant message system such as yim etc, is there online forever in one form or another (even when you think you have deleted it) and may become general public domain one day weather you want it to or not.

[PixieStick]

Also good advice, I had no idea that even IM'ing could be seen. Thank you denuseri

[fetishdj]

Yes, if you record the logs (which I think most IM systems do on default) it records the conversations on your PC so you can review them later. This means they are potentially available to acquire from one of your PCs. And that is not including the potential for a record on the server...

[Jennifer Williams]

Just think of anything you send out on the internet as permanent, because you can never know when/if it will ever get deleted from the server.

Of course, if you're trying to retrieve information that you want, think of it as gone forever, lol.

[Ozme52]

Just think of anything you send out on the internet as permanent, because you can never know when/if it will ever get deleted from the server.

Of course, if you're trying to retrieve information that you want, think of it as gone forever, lol.

One of the new "Iron Laws of Life"

Like:

The person at the back of the crowded elevator will be the next one who needs to get off.

Perforated paper will tear anywhere but the at the perforations.

Your private information on the net will be available to anyone anywhere anytime, except you when you've lost it on your own hard drive.

:D

[Guera]

there is good keyed encryption software out there, though its a bit of a pain to admin.

[PixieStick]

I'm not techno savvy, lol. Tho I did turn off archiving on my messenger. Thanks for everyones suggestions!

[DomBob]

recently I came to this site as a sub and I have found my Master and I am very happy. Along with finding my Master I also received the opportunity to have my own sub. I took up the offer and have found a sub of my own. However, I have spent so much time as a sub and have greatly enjoyed it I do now know how to be a Mistress. I need the assistance and advice of other Domme either experienced or new! thank you all!!


I'm glad I stumbled onto this thread. I'm new as well and have an online sub. I'm doing lots of reading right now, trying to find ideas that suit us best. Any advice would be appreciated.

Hey - I just searched for BDSM on Amazon and found a bunch of books I never knew existed. Two of them caught my eye:


Creating a Personal Protocol by Shannon Reilly
Protocols: Handbook for the female slave

One of these is a workbook that makes you list behaviors you admire in a sub and behaviors you want to discourage. The idea is to present the sub with the protocols right away to give them a guideline. The author claims it really speeds things up and gives new subs a lot of structure they can rely on rather than taking days/weeks to make it up as you go along.

One of them is available as an ebook...

[Lady Julianna]

Always looking to chat with other Dommes and exchange ideas, thoughts and experiences. I am a real time Domme, and live the lifestyle 24/7.

[PixieStick]

I have very few experiences, but love chatting with like minded ladies myself! =)