Struggle

[Saheli]

Hold me down so I can see
All this pain that covers me
And while truth hovers over me
It is my fear that smothers me
And so I sleep with eyes wide shut
Want everything gone when I open them up
So I don’t have to see the sun
Surrounded by darkness with nowhere to run
For my legs are so sore
I can’t move anymore
But I still have to stand
So I can win this war
All this anger is flying
I feel myself dying
I just want to cry
But I’d rather I choke
And then drown in my tears
Wash away all those years
And get rid of my hearing
I don’t want to know
What it is you have to say
Go on, push me away
Then push me back down
And then over the edge
And I hope when I fall
All my bones crush and all
My organs liquefy—I hope I fucking die
So you’ll shut the fuck up
Finally leave me alone
And let me live my life
While I’m locked into home
And let me think my thoughts
Since they’re mine anyway
But you won’t because you’ve got to have it your way
So we fight cause one night
I just might not agree
So you fucking flip out and start threatening me
You pull out a gun and hold it to my head
You think you can hurt me? I’m already dead
So fuck you, pull the trigger; I’m already gone
Don’t know why the fuck I held on for so long