my learning journey

[13'sbadkitty]

i am not sure where to post this so i am sorry if this is the wrong spot. i just feel compelled to let the community know me better and get some feedback if anyone has it as it may or may not relate. i usually form questions better after some discussion anyways.
i am a 44 year old single mother of 3 who until my Master lived a vanilla, though quite crazy life. i had little to no knowledge of bdsm except when i was 20 there was a woman who when drunk would complain of how she lost respect for her subs after a while. i have been in many an abusive relationship though and have never been safe or comfortable in my life with anyone.
i met my Master about 7 or so years ago in a vanilla way and W/we dated for a brief while and when i asked He showed me His toybox and lightly demonstrated to me some things He had. i did not stay with Him at that time and playing was not a part of O/our relationship at that time.
i was almost completely ignorant of this life and only having had that brief introduction to it didn't have any exposure to it at all. i fantasized about rough sex and bondage but imagined it was better to remain a fantasy.
When my daughter who is bisexual and i marched in the NYC pride parade 2 years ago, it was the first time i heard words like polyamorous, saw men wearing leather thongs and boots (my 3 yr old said mommy, those guys underwear is up their butt :D ) We marched behind them and in front of the sex workers.
When my Master and i reconnected and started dating i asked for Him to play with me and He obliged of course. i was so naive to so much. i had never heard of using clothes pins on anything but clothes, never had wax dripped on me or experienced flame play. i had no idea that i would love breathplay. i was willing to try almost anything He showed me on those limit things, although i was freaked by some of things i love today.
He moved in here with me last September and as October rolled around i requested to be "collared" all the time as i feel safe and calm when He is Master rather than just my boyfriend. i had surgery in November and he wanted the collar off for a while because He wasn't sure i would respect my bodies limits if collared. i was uneasy and after a strong commitment from me, He and i began living in this fashion. W/we began with the idea that when kids where here or W/we were out that it was going to be that W/we would be vanilla. Somehow W/we have moved to the TPE thing as it seems right for us now.
W/we are learning how to live like this with kids in the house. i searched and searched and found a word for Master that i could use and the kids would never figure it out.
i am learning how to submit while being an authority for kids at the same time. i am learning how to joke and play with Him in a way that doesn't end up being disrespectful to Him as my Master. All the fine line stuff is being ironed out as W/we move through this.
i am pleased to say that i have gained a new respect for His collar that i wear and that He allows me to submit to Him. i have removed my "no, sorry not doing that" from my vocabulary as i have gained enough trust in Him to know He would never do anything to truly damage me. i would like to thank this community because it has been so helpful to me to have a place that i don't feel like a crazy person. It has been here that i was able to work on accepting that i like some things that society has deemed wrong. i want to thank everyone who has helped U/us grow in this way as W/we are so much happier this way.

[Saheli]

I think it's really cool that you were open-minded enough to try things that you were unsure of...just think of all the things you enjoy that you may never have allowed yourself to experience if you just shut it down in the beginning without trying it out. I also think that finding a way to work around children like that takes a lot of time and thought, and the fact that you have been able to balance both aspects in your life is very respectable. I am curious though, what term did you come up with to use around your children?

[13'sbadkitty]

Okimawiw it means Master or Chief in woodland Cree my 18 year old will never be able to spell it never mind google it! Lol i studied under a Cree Medicine Man for a few years, so while i am not Cree it was a logical direction for me to look and its not an easy language to research.

[Saheli]

wow that's a great idea...I never would have thought about the difficulty of trying to look something up. And I don't think I could spell it either, except that you had to spell it to write it! Very creative.

[13'sbadkitty]

it came out of my needing to remember my submission when the kids are around. i kept forgetting my place. Thats why my ankle is belled too, it is a way He came up with to collar me when they are around. Otherwise if no one is home collar must be on and as soon as i am in bed for the night as well. W/we have lots of little ways of being reminded of my submission.

[denuseri]

You just know I had to google it:

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GWYA_enUS316US316&q=Okimawiw

Got more than one site with it too, including definitions.

Of course your son need never know why your calling your dominant that, it could easily be taken as a term of endearment. In any event I think it's romantic.

Not that its nessesary to have any special reference or titular distinction between partners. I am sure you both know the score regardless of which title if any you use, in private or otherwise.

[13'sbadkitty]

You just know I had to google it:

http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rlz=1T4GWYA_enUS316US316&q=Okimawiw

Got more than one site with it too, including definitions.

Of course your son need never know why your calling your dominant that, it could easily be taken as a term of endearment. In any event I think it's romantic.

Not that its nessesary to have any special reference or titular distinction between partners. I am sure you both know the score regardless of which title if any you use, in private or otherwise.

Hopefully the kids who are big enough to google don't know how to spell, Lol! No I agree about the title not being required , except it makes Him happy and helped me remember what was lost in a house full of teenagers.

[leah06]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. Your master sounds really supportive and understanding, and it's nice to hear how much you trust him so that you and he can grow together.

[ravnseye]

Your story sounds very similar to my own. The difference being that my Mistress and I have been married for nearly twenty one years. We have dabbled in the lifestyle and just playing a bit for a long time. I sometimes refer to her as a reluctant Domme. Having two sons around does make it difficult, as we are both very active in their after school lives. But we are learning how to get around that.

Anyway, very inspirational story. Cograts, and may your journey be fulfilling

[13'sbadkitty]

Your story sounds very similar to my own. The difference being that my Mistress and I have been married for nearly twenty one years. We have dabbled in the lifestyle and just playing a bit for a long time. I sometimes refer to her as a reluctant Domme. Having two sons around does make it difficult, as we are both very active in their after school lives. But we are learning how to get around that.

Anyway, very inspirational story. Cograts, and may your journey be fulfilling

so what ways did you find to work around kids? i mean more in my head is the issue, how to stay focused in a submissive mode when mommying 5 kids? i am better at it now then even a month ago, but would appreciate all your experience. we are getting married in june. :)