Demanding jobs and BDSM

[phantasy_seeker]

Well, I know that this is a common dilemma - people being so busy or stressed out with their jobs that they don't have the time or the mood for sex. :) I don't usually have that problem, as every few days at least the drive becomes strong enough that I want it even if I only have an hour between arriving at home and bedtime.

But BDSM adds one more small problem to this - even if I want sex, I find that the busier I am, the more vanilla my sex gets. Not only am I too tired and don't have enough time to enjoy an hour of complex bondage and spanking and teasing (which I love!), I also have to ask my Dom for much lighter treatment sometimes, as I'm afraid I'll be sore and achey at work the next day, and I can't afford that. Needless to say, that does kill the mood quite a bit. :mad:

If there's anyone here with really busy work schedules (like, wake up at 6am and back home at 8pm or so), I'd love to hear how you fit BDSM into it. Only on weekends, perhaps? Vanilla sex the rest of the time?

[Ozme52]

I can't really say I had that problem, in part because I got a lot of my dom-needs satisfied at work (90-ish subordinates working for me.)

I know that what I would do is intensify the weekend activities. You can also jump the daily routines up several notches.

When I visited my girl last summer, wake up time included dom and submissive behavior (make and serve coffee, then hand-to-hair and mouth-to-cock, then forced to ride to her orgasm.) The intensity of the demands and her (trained?) hair trigger response to being used helps keep her on schedule and to work on time. Weeknights were far more vanilla but the overtones were there. Weekends were filled (she has a very active community) and varied. Munches, workshops, visiting kinky friends, parties. And if we stayed in, she was used often. Well, she was used often regardless.

[denuseri]

Bdsm doesnt allways have to be some kind of heavy whipping session with rough sex while tied to some elaborate woodden A-frame with 20 feet of rope and nipple wieghts with a violet wand up ones ass in a well stocked dungeon.

It can be as simple as being told to hold your hands behind your back while having sex.

Or not being allowed panties while one is at work (makes butt plug days real interesting).

Or being taken into the bathroom for a cleaning and inspection.

(and the sex part doesnt even have to be there eaither, there are all sorts of ways to add some bdsm spice to your day to day routine and they dont have to require anything time intensive at all, especially if you live with your partner)

My Owner and I only do anything heavy when time permits and the mood strikes. We both have fairly busy schedules, not to mention I am my mothers home care provider so anything in the house has to be quiet.

And when we lived apart for a while we didint do anything at all until weekends if my or his schedule didnt permit.

It's good for both you and your dominant to remember that some times you just have to be realistic and suck it up and press on with your life and let the kink fade to the wayside a little bit.

Besides, not having everything when and where one wants it all the time will build character and make one appreciate it all the more when they do get things their way on occassion.

[symphony]

I find that the busier I am, the more vanilla my sex gets.
I know how that feels but from the other side, my sir has a very busy day so when hes tired things can get difficult. One of the best things to do is recognise that it doesnt say anything bad about you or him, sometimes life just get in the way. Pressure is your enemy, if your tired and had a bad day at work and then say to yourself "If i dont have good sex tonight it will have been....# days" then your not doing yourself any favours. Try and make other things more important, serving in other ways then it will get easier. Thats what did it for us anyways.

If there's anyone here with really busy work schedules (like, wake up at 6am and back home at 8pm or so), I'd love to hear how you fit BDSM into it. Only on weekends, perhaps?
I used to think like that, but your looking at it all upside down. If you are truely submissive at heart then why are you trying to fit BDSM into your life work etc? you should be trying to fit your life into BDSM if you know what I mean.

I hope you find all that useful because it really helped me, just changing the way I was looking at things helped make the problems seem smaller and when things diddnt seem like such a problem I felt like I had more energy, and things worked better.

Oh and on a side note, you dont have to have hours and hours to have a good time, sometimes being pinned against a wall when your not expecting it when you get back from work can be just as fun :d

[CuriousNYsub]

I don't have much to add having never been in a r/l situation, but wanted to say thanks to everyone for the great advice (and great question phantasy). I have a wake up at 6, home by 9, stressful type of job myself and I can imagine this being an obstacle when/if (hopefully) I get to pursue this in r/l.

Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

[phantasy_seeker]

Thanks for all the replies, guys. :) Just to clarify, I'm not in a 24/7 D/s relationship, only in the bedroom. Perhaps top/bottom would be a more suitable term, but as I don't dictate what happens in the bedroom (e.g. "tie me just so, then spank me..."), I figured 'bedroom D/s' would be more appropriate. :) Of course, there are playful spanks, gropes, etc at other times, but there is no true dominant or submissive dynamic outside of the sexual/bedroom context between us. That's the way we prefer it.



Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

Yes, I have this problem too! Usually by the time we've had dinner and I've completed sundry tasks and chores that need to be done, it's 10pm. :eek: And often I feel so stressed that anything further than a quick orgasm just feels like a bother!


I know how that feels but from the other side, my sir has a very busy day so when hes tired things can get difficult. One of the best things to do is recognise that it doesnt say anything bad about you or him, sometimes life just get in the way. Pressure is your enemy, if your tired and had a bad day at work and then say to yourself "If i dont have good sex tonight it will have been....# days" then your not doing yourself any favours. Try and make other things more important, serving in other ways then it will get easier. Thats what did it for us anyways.

I used to think like that, but your looking at it all upside down. If you are truely submissive at heart then why are you trying to fit BDSM into your life work etc? you should be trying to fit your life into BDSM if you know what I mean.

I hope you find all that useful because it really helped me, just changing the way I was looking at things helped make the problems seem smaller and when things diddnt seem like such a problem I felt like I had more energy, and things worked better.

Oh and on a side note, you dont have to have hours and hours to have a good time, sometimes being pinned against a wall when your not expecting it when you get back from work can be just as fun :d

Thanks for sharing! :) Sorry I didn't clarify earlier, but yeah, we really only do D/s (or T/b, if you prefer) sexually. No serving and such. Life will always come before BDSM, for both of us.


Bdsm doesnt allways have to be some kind of heavy whipping session with rough sex while tied to some elaborate woodden A-frame with 20 feet of rope and nipple wieghts with a violet wand up ones ass in a well stocked dungeon.

It can be as simple as being told to hold your hands behind your back while having sex.

Or not being allowed panties while one is at work (makes butt plug days real interesting).

Or being taken into the bathroom for a cleaning and inspection.

(and the sex part doesnt even have to be there eaither, there are all sorts of ways to add some bdsm spice to your day to day routine and they dont have to require anything time intensive at all, especially if you live with your partner)


I love your advice! The suggestions totally had me fanning myself. ;) I think the issue here, though, is that it's probably more about the stress of work than time. It puts me out of the sexual mood, and veeerryyy far out of subbie mood when I'm stressed. Definitely can't have distractions at work such as butt plugs - I truly wish I had the sort of job where being distracted was acceptable, but I can't. Mistakes I make can potentially endanger other people's lives (and have me out of a job for life), so I always have to make sure I'm in top condition for work.

Yes, we do simple stuff like hands tied to the bedpost, or just me kneeling and sucking him off, or having nipple clamps on, etc. :) But what I truly love and crave for is the long, drawn-out bondage and teasing (and he likes it, too). I suppose it's true, sometimes we just have to suck life up, and relegate the intensive stuff to weekends. Perhaps it does make it more special. :)



When I visited my girl last summer, wake up time included dom and submissive behavior (make and serve coffee, then hand-to-hair and mouth-to-cock, then forced to ride to her orgasm.) The intensity of the demands and her (trained?) hair trigger response to being used helps keep her on schedule and to work on time. Weeknights were far more vanilla but the overtones were there. Weekends were filled (she has a very active community) and varied. Munches, workshops, visiting kinky friends, parties. And if we stayed in, she was used often. Well, she was used often regardless.

Thanks for sharing. :) We did try morning sex before, but orgasm inevitably makes me very sleepy and relaxed - almost fell asleep again once after it. :eek: So, we began to reserve that for weekends where I don't have to drag myself up at 6.30am post orgasm..

[Ozme52]

Another, somewhat related thing is, how to quickly tame the bad attitude I come home with on a regular basis. It usually takes me an hour and a glass of wine to decompress....

I recommend a non-alchohol based stress reliever. It puts you to sleep, making the stressors in your life your only excitement. LOL

I would suggest a good beating, giving or getting. (All the more reason to find a willing and compatible partner.) Something that takes your mind off of the stressors, gives you something nice upon which to focus, and gets your "blood up" (i.e., stimulates.)

For years, for me, it was my motorcycle. Thinking about work was a death sentence. Thinking about driving eliminated the stress by the time I got home. Getting or giving a good beating is similar. Got to concentrate on your partner.

If you can't find someone to assist, go online and get some tasks to put your mind to. :cool:

[Ozme52]

Thanks for sharing. :) We did try morning sex before, but orgasm inevitably makes me very sleepy and relaxed - almost fell asleep again once after it. :eek: So, we began to reserve that for weekends where I don't have to drag myself up at 6.30am post orgasm..

What are you? A man!! :D

Well... practice making it like morning exercises. If you fight the urge to lie back down, get up and about instead, you will find it energizing.

It helps if you extend the D/s outside of the bedroom, at least a bit, so when he asks for something, you can jump-to... and once you're up, you'll find that orgasms jump start your day.

You only want to sleep because you get to do so after cumming before bedtime.

[jeanne]

When I visited my girl last summer, wake up time included dom and submissive behavior (make and serve coffee, then hand-to-hair and mouth-to-cock, then forced to ride to her orgasm.) The intensity of the demands and her (trained?) hair trigger response to being used helps keep her on schedule and to work on time. Weeknights were far more vanilla but the overtones were there. Weekends were filled (she has a very active community) and varied. Munches, workshops, visiting kinky friends, parties. And if we stayed in, she was used often. Well, she was used often regardless.

What my Owner didn't say....I was usually asleep between 9 and 10 pm every evening. I was worn out after the morning and a full day of work. :D

[denuseri]

A change from the regular routine of driving home in a hurry and being all worked up when you walk in the door could also help.

Back when I was a med surge floor nurse I found it very helpful to go by the local college and take a short run round the track a few times followed by a quick shower before going home.

One could also try just stopping when they leave work and meditating for a little while preforming some kind of mantra or ritual to help relieve the stress of the day and re-focus the mind.

[thepast]

Not to jump into an already loaded thread here... but yeah, I am going to jump into an already loaded thread, LOL.

Look, anyone that tells you that they have sex every single day, and kinky sex to boot, is completely full of shit. Absolutely full of shit. Send them on over to me-- I will tell them to their face how full of shit they are. *laughs* Either that, or they have absolutely no life or responsibilities. And if so, either they are billionaires, or they are mooching off the system... but enough about that.

Look, I think EVERYONE struggles with the "honey/Master/My Lord/God/King/Reigning Diety/Guru/Fucker, I am not in the mood" problem--whether they are vanilla or kinky. Just because we are kinky fucks doesn't mean we don't struggle with it the same as vanilla folks... we just seem to think it's less "acceptable" because, damn it, we're KINKY! Well, that's just flat out crap, lol! It's a normal physical, mental, emotional response to life & stress: you get tired, you go through ups & downs, and after a long day, the last thing a lot of people want is a scene, or really, sex of any kind--kinky OR vanilla. Whether you come home to 2 rugrats running around, grabbing for your every moment of attention, or you come home to a puppy who wants a walk, or you come home to your significant other, you are tired & need to unwind... and the last thing you want to do is more work. And let's be real: sex, to be honest, is work. It isn't that we don't ENJOY it... we do... but it is work. We tend to view it as "one more thing to do" on our to do list, or one of those "oh hell..." types of things...the "is it already that time again?" thing.

The key to balance is to figure out a way to turn sex from a chore into something enjoyable, and to meld it into your life into a fun, non-intrusive way that works for YOU. For some kinky people, this is a 24/7 M/s or D/s relationship, in which they have melded the sexual in by folding BDSM into their everyday, every moment lifestyle, as much as possible, so that it no longer is just about "the sex" but is about "more than." For other kinky folks, it's having some crazy ass sex once or twice a month after they send the kids over to grandma's for the afternoon. It doesn't matter WHAT way you choose to do it... it's finding something that works into your busy schedule & your life. And just know: more is NOT necessarily merrier. Don't listen to the people that say "to be ______, you must have sex ______." Bullshit. You go on & have sex as much/little as works for you & yours-- some people are nymphomaniacs & need it every 10 seconds. Some people are satiated w/once or twice a month. Hey, whatever rolls your boat.

On a personal note, both T & I are gone from the house generally 4/5am --> 6/7pm everyday, and often even longer hours than that. When we get home, I am not going to be a swinging monkey, hanging from ropes from the ceiling, while he beats me senseless & fucks my brains out (well, not every night... I know, sorry to wreck your fantasies, boys). THAT would not be safe (we are both WAY too tired), and it would be unenjoyable--we are both too tired for that nonsense. Instead, we safe our crazy playtimes for days when we're both off, and instead do "milder" fun on those nights where maybe we are a little randy, or we are both "in the mood."

But seriously. Don't push it. If you are feeling like you aren't "getting enough," that's something you should communicate with your partner. But if it's simply a matter of feeling like "hmm... are we not 'like everyone else?'" then realize that the REALITY of living lifestyle is FAR different than the stories/fantasy land. Most people have demanding jobs & lives, and aren't kinky on a day to day basis every day of the week.

Just my very long two cents.

[phantasy_seeker]

Thank you, Delia!! Yes, I was just wondering if it was normal.. I've been reading the forums and various submissive blogs, and they seem to have rip-roaring kinky sex at least several times a week - I don't doubt many of their accounts, either. I suppose some people are just lucky enough to have the time and energy for that!

@Ozme and denuseri: I like the idea of finding something to look forward to and unwind when I get back - unfortunately, half of the time, the very thing which I look forward to the most is my bed (sans ropes/cuffs)! Hehe.

[symphony]

agreed, thankyou delia!!, It does my head in sometimes when people make out that they are at it all the time, allthough i know that they are almost certainly exaggerating sometimes you cant help but think, if everyone else is at it every day how is it that we sometimes cant fit it in once in a month!

[symphony]

No serving and such. Life will always come before BDSM, for both of us.


i diddnt mean that bdsm was more important than work, kids, school obviously lol. Im not very good at explaining things im afraid but that statement was ment much less litrally and more mentally than it came across! But as i have kids I really feel the need to stress that, that isnt the way I feel at all!

I suppose its just a mindset i have that helps me deal with the whole too tired too stressed thing. If i look at it like thats the way i always am and we always feel then it dosnt feel so bad if we arnt specifically doing anthing expressing it that week. Where as i find it harder to deal with if i feel like I am always in work mode, and its just gone.

the difference between putting a 'normal' mask on to go outside and deal with life, and taking it off in the bedroom and putting a 'bdsm mask' on in the bedroom. (not that there is anything wrong with the latter! its a personal thing) if i feel like its always there then i dont panic so much if it seems to have gone away for the moment due to circumstance.

I know that its probably not that relevent to you as i thought you were a 24/7 type when i read your post but at least now i dont feel like people will read mine and think that i think that my romantic life is more important than my kids and his work as they always come first!

[thepast]

I have recieved 20+ PMs in the past ~24hrs since I made this post, and everyone has said the same thing: "OMG, so I am not so weird for not playing all the time!"

Folks, I am pleased as pie that I was able to let everyone out there know a little "secret" into Lifestyle... but I will also say this... Be VERY VERY weary of things you read o/l about peoples' lives, whether it's in their blogs, or their stories, or their profiles, or in chatting with them. People have a knack of "puffing" up their situation, whether intentional or not. Reality is NEVER what fantasy is made out to be, nor is it what others often "talk it" to be. Also, when people talk about "amazing play weekends" together, or "amazing vacations" together, it's just that: a break from the routine.

Lifestyle is, and always will be, an amazing part of my life, and an amazing part of a lot of peoples' lives here on this site, and on many other sites. However, lifestyle is just that: a PART of a healthy life. You still need all the other things: family, friends, a job, outside hobbies/interests... in other words, A LIFE. Sex is great, play is fun... but it can't be "everything." Enjoy the hell out if it, but make sure you keep it in perspective: it's perfectly grand sometimes to just have a night curled up on the couch, eating popcorn, drinking wine/beer, and watching TV together; that can be just as romantic & relationship-building as a night of your Dom beating the shit out of you *laughs*... in fact, you need a little of both.

Keep it real, and it will last... try to "do it all" all the time, and you will burn out & find yourselves not enjoying anything BDSM-related anymore.

Hope this helps! :)

@ symphony: intelligent people won't think your sex life comes before your kids or your work... at least, I certainly wouldn't-- it's sex. Don't feel the need to have to retreat from your words. You were spot on w/your feelings & you should feel ok to own them. I think we "got" that you were looking to figure out how to find a balance for those times you just "weren't in the mood..." No worries :) :) :) :)

[Miner]

Keep it real, and it will last... try to "do it all" all the time, and you will burn out & find yourselves not enjoying anything BDSM-related anymore.


Bingo!

That little phrase should be engraved on the gates of this site! Kink is so much more enjoyable when you keep it real, and don't try to force it.

Perhaps the real difference between o/l and r/t is just that in r/l ordinary life is much more present. Kink just isn't the same when you or your partner have a stonking cold, or one of you slipped on the ice and sprained an ankle, or the bills need sorting and paying.

[Ozme52]

All true delia, but...

"Do not go quietly into that night."

Pursue your passions lest you grow complacent.

[phantasy_seeker]

Thank you for your responses, again. :)

So, the question... To those really busy folks, how often do you have a nice, long play session uncumbered by time?

It was only once a week or so for me, although we incorporated some BDSM elements into quickies during other days, and little spanks and such here and there. :) I truly wish it could have been more often though, as my D is long distance, so he was only here for 2 months.

[denuseri]

Depends, before my husband/owner went on active duty it was once or twice a month or so that we had what I would call anything really really long.

We would go back and do some suspension sessions and conditioning maintance training once a week or so if possible but only get super rough or intence like above.

The body needs time to recover, and I can't be running around covered in bruises at work and school, especially when I am dancing.

The rest of the time its mainly little things here and there like I was saying earlier in the thread, things that are easily hidden from any visitors we may have or from my mother (I am her home care provider) but we still have sex in the privecy of our bedroom a few times a week, though a lot of people may say its just D/s vanila sex since we are not doing any whips and chains per say.

Now we have a tendencey to try more often when he is home from deployments, but sometimes he just isnt into it when he first gets home and needs time to adjust, so we wait and keep things more laid back and have recently only been doing anything heavy just once if at all between deployments or on special anually scheduled get togethers with our kink friendly group of friends.

Though like I was saying earlier we have also had times where bdsm things had to take a backseat to other things going on in our lives.

Which is ok with me, it doesnt change my submission in any way to him.

[brwneydgirl]

honey/Master/My Lord/God/King/Reigning Diety/Guru/Fucker


Funny, that's exactly what I say everytime I talk to Him....and here I thought it was just me. :rolleyes:

[Ozme52]

What my Owner didn't say....I was usually asleep between 9 and 10 pm every evening. I was worn out after the morning and a full day of work. :D

...not to mention the 3Ms.

Munches, meetings, and movies.

That's why the mornings worked so well. :hubba:

[CuriousNYsub]

I recommend a non-alchohol based stress reliever. It puts you to sleep, making the stressors in your life your only excitement. LOL

I would suggest a good beating, giving or getting. (All the more reason to find a willing and compatible partner.) Something that takes your mind off of the stressors, gives you something nice upon which to focus, and gets your "blood up" (i.e., stimulates.)

For years, for me, it was my motorcycle. Thinking about work was a death sentence. Thinking about driving eliminated the stress by the time I got home. Getting or giving a good beating is similar. Got to concentrate on your partner.

If you can't find someone to assist, go online and get some tasks to put your mind to. :cool:

You're right I need to find a new stress reliever. Sadly, beating is not an option at the moment...but I can and should take to running more often. I think just the stress of work and the economy has left me working longer, more frazzled hours.

Thanks for the advice :-)

[phantasy_seeker]

You're right I need to find a new stress reliever. Sadly, beating is not an option at the moment...but I can and should take to running more often. I think just the stress of work and the economy has left me working longer, more frazzled hours.

Thanks for the advice :-)

Eh, I dunno if this applies to anyone else, but when I'm dead tired, a beating is practically the last thing I'd enjoy - I'd much prefer the cozy comfort of my sheets, and a lot of comfort food. :) In fact, anything that involves exertion or pain is the last thing on my list... which rather narrows the scope of BDSM. :(

Then again, I suppose that if I'm that tired everyday, I really should do something about my job and stuff instead. Le sigh.

[Ozme52]

Eh, I dunno if this applies to anyone else, but when I'm dead tired, a beating is practically the last thing I'd enjoy - I'd much prefer the cozy comfort of my sheets, and a lot of comfort food. :) In fact, anything that involves exertion or pain is the last thing on my list... which rather narrows the scope of BDSM. :(
Perhaps the last thing you think you'd enjoy... but have you tried?

It's sort of like exercising. You hate to do it until you do. Then you suddenly begin to miss it.

My suggestion is really about making the effort to push yourself when you're tired... and maybe find out that doing so is energizing.


Then again, I suppose that if I'm that tired everyday, I really should do something about my job and stuff instead. Le sigh.
Especially the "stuff". :wave:

[leah06]

I agree with Oz. Sometimes you have to make the effort. It's worth it.

[TheLimey]

Took me a couple of days, but I'm glad I found this thread.

My katze and I are often very busy, with schedules that don't align. Katze has a 6am to 3pm day, and I've a 9am to 6pm job, and as said above, after decompressing, cooking, the work week is completely out.

I agree with the idea of linking things we do with D/s. We enjoy board games, and play in various groups. So, we spiced it up, by setting penalties and rewards depending on games lost and won by my little slut.

We've also taken a couple of weekends a year, booked into a good hotel, and then brought a big bag of toys with us.

[thir]

I do not have much to add, same problems here and much the same solutions, just wanted to say how much I have appreciated this thread :-)