How to start?

[invisiblegirl]

Hi. I saw this folder and thought it would be useful to talk to other people with submissive feelings.

My question for you is how do you safely get involved with the BDSM community. I am not looking for anything in person yet, but rather am interested in meeting and talking to people online. I admit that I am probably a bit niave at times and also shy. For those of you who have an online Dom how did you find them and what do you think of it? I am not looking for artifical online sex, but rather a meaningful relationship with a master who can teach me and help me explore my feelings. However I like the anonymity of the internet as no one knows I have these feelings and I would prefer to keep it that way for the time being.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

InvisibleGirl

[miners_girl]

I started out online,before I met my husband/Master, I started chatting/ frequenting BDSM chatrooms. I did meet some total idiots in the course of trying to find someone to talk to, and learn from, but the relationship I eventually formed with my online Dom was a rewarding one. We got to know each other in private messaging, and then proceeded to email and YIM after a period of time. I learnt a lot about my needs and feelings and what I was comfortable with and what I wasn't. It was a very safe way for me to learn as I was very new and naive then too. The relationship came to a natural end, as I realised I did want real time, and needed to explore those possibilities but I found the relationship a rewarding and useful one at the time.

[Ozme52]

Safely? Use your own judgement. If you're not sure something is safe, don't do it.

Come back here, (meaning the forum,) search, read, ask questions. Even if you think something is safe, you can still do the same things to get a second (third AND fourth) opinion.

This inquiry will no doubt bring you interested suitors but if not or none that appeal to you, you can also put in a personal ad here at the forum (just another thread, no-cost) which many people who don't participate in the forum still will read. And you can go to the chat rooms.

Now... all that said, to be safe, just remember, there are no "rules" that say you must obey all instructions or tasks. There are no rules the bind you to any one dominant unless you wish to be so bound.

Just use your own good judgement. And most importantly, remember to use your own good judgement when you do find your first dominant and realize you can't live without him... because you can. And will likely have to regardless of whether you obey his every command or not... because first time D/s relationships rarely last. There is too much learning going on. And you'll find the more you learn, the better it gets. And not every dom is a good match for every sub.

[cryrose]

I have found for myself personally that building relationships online can be very frustrating. I find that as a submissive you must shift through many not so great people before you find the one person that you really connect with. One of my personal best judges on character is whether or not the person is willing to have a conversation with you that doesn't involve sex. I personally feel that in order for something like this to work out a person must be willing to know you on all levels. I cannot give myself to someone who does not or is not willing to get to know the whole me. Although if you are keeping it purely online that may not be as much of an issue as it would be in a real life situation.

[flying66]

cryrose has some very valid points, online people tends to be a bit like 'speed dating' because thee are so many other prospects... what I actually suggest is getting out to a local munch and talking to people there.

After the initial 'omg I don't know anyone' passes I'm sure there are plenty of people there who are willing to mentor and what's even better is that you can ask for 'reviews' of those same 'mentors' in person from other people who have been 'mentored' or 'play partners' etc.

[Miner]

Hiya invisiblegirl. I understand what you're saying. To paraphrase for those who haven't quite caught the subtlety, the anonimity of the internet can be very liberating when you aren't yet sure of where you belong.

As my girl indicated, there can be some real tossers out there (and some very nasty predators). The best thing you can do is stay true to yourself, and stay safe. Talk on-line, chat on-line. Follow up by reading what the people you chat with have written on this site (or elsewhere). Get a feel for the people you chat with, run away from those who tell you to disregard your feelings of unease and "trust them".

A little suspicion/paranoia can help keep you safe. And any dominant (or submissive for that matter) who is worth his/her salt will understand that you will tread cautiously until you feel safe.

Good luck in your search for who you are, and I hope you have as much success in your search as my girl and I have had in ours. We started on-line too, and have been real-time and married for a while now.

[denuseri]

Dear Invisible

Your main way of safely getting involved in the bdsm community is through obtaining wisdom and self disipline.

Don't let your passion overrule your reason when it comes to being safe first and kinky second.

This may sound cynical but bears being said:

Be ultra careful with your personal information online, or otherwise, once its out there its out there and there is no getting it back. More than one girl has found pictures of herself plastered all over pay porn sites by the so called online love of her life. Others have had worse things happen.

Dont get me wrong. I see nothing wrong with long distance relationships eventually developing and or progresing to real life one day if one wishes or having a relationship that stays exclussively online, or exploring ones self and one's submission using the internet as a medium for experiening bdsm. Its perfectly ok to have online only aquaintances and even to mimic some aspects of r/l bdsm relationships if one chooses to do so within those paramaters.

But; I do cuation against some things....I don't reccomend anyone (especially someone new to bdsm) hooking up with any one person (who they cannot really ever know from online alone) that calls themselves a dom and submitting to their authority and theirs alone as one who is "collared" in a real life Master/slave relationship.

I am not saying one can't have a good time, or engadge safely in cybersex and online domination. I am just recomending one use some caution and be realistic. It is simply not safe to surrender some levels of control to those one can not really know.

Some things imho to avoid during online relationships are persons that want to hold one to restrictions conserning one's ability to access information or attempt to control who they can and can not speak too online, when one can or cannot be online, demands pictures or web cam, wants password information, things mailed to them, phone numbers, or information revealing ones work schedule or real life address/location, etc etc. Once stalked twice shy.

Real trust is only earned with real deeds.

In other words, one shouldn't abandon one's common sence just becuase they logged on to a computer.

I pray that your journey will be a long and fruitful one and that you will safely have fun upon it.

Hugs and kissess

denuseri

[wyldrose]

i don't really have much further to add, i think everybody's given some great advice. i know that sometimes we all need somebody to talk to, especially when you're new and wondering about the submissive feelings within you. if you ever want to chat please feel free to drop me a PM. i got through it, as have all the wonderful submissives here, and you will too, in time!

[shylove9978]

I've been woundering the same thing for awhile now. I want to be extra safe but I also want to learn and sometimes it seems conflicting. I dont quite know how to diverge into BDSM as of yet, but the advice given helped me.

[al4u2nv]

I to have beend wondering this, every time I think I have connected with someone, I find what I what I want and what they want are to diffrent, but I am still hopeful that I will find someone that will be a good teacher and match for the experiance I am looking for

[Ozme52]

While that's a good perspective al4... be open to learning more about what is being offered (if it doesn't clash with limits.)

Sometimes being guided is exciting and can lead both of you to what you both want.

[Izzydoodle]

I'm the same, InvisibleGirl. I know that i should really go to munches, but i don't feel ready to show my face yet, i'd rather be anonymous.

[angelic.zest]

I dont really have anything else to add to this that hasn't already been said! I truely believe in trusting your gut, as Oz stated "if it doesnt feel safe, dont do it!"! As well as what den stated in her reply, "Don't let your passion overrule your reason when it comes to being safe first and kinky second. " Don't forget common sense! This goes for almost everyone and myself!

[blacqcobra]

I wish to thank everyone for their advice. It has been liberating. It has also cause me to pause and think more about what I am looking for in a domme. As I stated in my Intro I have been seeking out a domme for most of my life. But now because of the people here I know now how to go about finding her. I will take everything you've advised and think, before acting.....Thank you all very much!!!

[blacqcobra]

I wish to add one more thing. You are nothing like the videos I think that is what has kept me from finding my true Mistress /Domme. I am glad I read this link first. This should be required reading for anyone thinking of getting into the lifestyle. I'm much smarter(lol)