this has probably been asked a thousand times but...

[dirtylittlebitchx]

do you guys think its safe to stay overnight at a doms house for a first session when we just recently met online? i'll be going to his house this coming friday and staying the night and we just met online at collarme on sunday.

please help, i'm conflicted about safety issues and how to address these things with the dom without sounding like a nervous nellie.

[Ozme52]

Read up on humiliation and related subjects on verbal play, degradation, and the like.

But it you don't already crave or enjoy such... I have to ask, have you two talked about your interests? your limits? your compatibility?

Or has he taken you up and told you that anything he does is correct?

The issue with online when one has no experience is that one has no frame of reference.

I won't say to drop him, but I'm going to bet that you eventually will.
I will say that you need to know more about the lifestyle and the conventions (not rules,) of behavior (especially when dealing with someone so new.

So stay, read, learn, discover, ask questions... and tell us what you want and crave. It'll all help you understand yourself, because as you reveal yourself to us, you reveal yourself to you.

Understanding is everything.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

thank you for that.
i'm still learning my limits, but i pretty much said i'm willing to try something at least once if i feel comfortable doing it.
he hasn't said that everything he does is correct, i just didn't know what i did wrong but i guess that's not my place to know either.
i don't know why i got so upset over it.



-i changed my question, sorry hah-

[SaucyLittlePet]

if you do decide to stay over night make sure someone knows where you are going, a number they can reach you at......

i think there's a thread here on things like that, but i cant remember where it is and dont have time to look.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

yeah that's what i was going to do later in the week when things get finalized....i'm just so nervous and my vanilla friends aren't helping.

[CuriousNYsub]

Granted, I have very little experience here, but if you are uncomfortable talking to said Dom about the fact that you are nervous, then how can you be ready to meet in person, play the first time and stay overnight?

There is a wise woman on this board, denuseri, who says, safety first, kinky second. I urge you to seek out and read her posts.

I actually brought this question up in chat the other day. I only have vanilla friends, so I didn't quite know how to manage a meet up safely if I was so inclined. The chatters gave me good advice. You don't need to tell your friends you are meeting up with a Dom or a kinky friend - just say you are going on a blind date (match.com or something) and want some backup just in case. It seems like a normal request. I don't think my friends would think it wierd if I said something like that...

But, going back to my first point, bdsm is all about communication. If you can't talk to this person about your safety concerns, then that speaks volumes.

Be safe and take care.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

the vanilla friends that i told know that i'm into bdsm and trying it out now but they were just worried about spending the night in general haha
i can talk to him with ease, it's just me being my "vanilla" nervous self with people i meet online, i do this every time i'm about to meet a person from online irl and it turns out to be a blast.
sorry im a rambling idiot lol

[FrgnSwtc]

I'm assuming that if you're going to meet with him he is, in appearances, a mammal with half a brain. Good for you, BUT as CuriousNYSub says, if you can't express your nervousness to this person ask yourself if you're ready to actually meet.

BDSM stands firmly in trust and communication, even for casual play and for good reason. If you're starting down that road, he'll understand your jitters. In the case that he doesn't that should ring an alarm IMHO.

Make sure you take all the steps to guarantee that you'll come out safe and sound.
Not to criticize in any way the online meeting method, you still have to be aware that the world is full of creeps and you absolutely have to protect yourself from them.

As Denuseri always says Safety first, kinky second

[Ozme52]

You need what we refer to as a safe call... and probably multiple calls, so that you can continue to let your contact(s) know you are safe, comfortable, and wish to continue.

(This means providing the address of the place you are staying so that if some of the above become not true, they can send help.

This also means you need a duress phrase. Something you can say that sounds like all is well, but is code for "OMG! Send the Cavalry!!"

I've used "fine" "good" and "happy" to all mean all is well, but "great" means help is needed.

Because if help is needed, you don't want him to rush off to dispose of you before help can come.

PS. I suggest you PM denuseri and get her story... while I know hundreds have had successful first meetings (my own girl's first meeting with me for example... none of the safety precautions were taken... she's fine btw,) but it only takes one psycho to ruin your day. Or one wannabe who just doesn't know what he's really doing....

You need the safe calls, you need the duress phrase.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

thanks guys for all this help, and i've got to admit i've lurked the boards as a guest since about september lol.
and i will PM denuseri :)

[Losalt]

Yeah..
Even nice wannabe masters (like me I like to think) can do some awful without intending to do any harm.. (or it could be someone that isn't nice if you don't know him all that well)
The human body is more fragile then people might thing so don't take any chances..
(not that I know all that much about this but..)
Personally I've put "getting to know my local bdsm community" on my todo list (for whenever I start living at a place where there actually is an community)
That'll allow me to learn a bit about this stuff as well as allowing someone in the community to evaluate how I'll handle it or possibly don't handle it..
Not sure if that is the normal way of doing it or not, but it's the only think that sounds reasonable to me..
Do you know if your online dom have been active in the community in any way before?
Perhaps someone he's been involved with before (if there's someone) can tell you a bit about how he is when doing this?
Well, going to quit rambling and go and get some sleep now..
Good luck :)

[bluefarie]

i know this may sound redundant, but i would really suggest meeting this person in a neutral place before just going back to his house. Go to a coffee house, out for dinner, etc...a typical vanilla date sort of thing, just to feel things out. I know that may not be exactly what you had planned, but it's a sure way to get to know a person and if things go well, then who's to say you may very well end up back at his place.

I have done online dating before, all vanilla men, btw, and well this was just the safest way to do it. Also, if you are going to be traveling and need to stay over night some place, seriously book a hotel and maybe have him meet you back there after the coffee, dinner, whatever.

it is just a much safer way to meet a new person. Yes the jitters are to be expected, but that does not excuse you doing something stupid. i have heard so many horror stories and narrow escapes and you don't want to become one of them. Just throwing my two cents in here, but i hope all goes well. The safe calls are a great back up plan too, just to have someone call you at set times or you call and check in at set times, etc.

i know someone who used something about taking medicine for safety codes, something like "yes i took all of my medicine" meant get me the heck out of here now! Anyways, i hope this helps and good luck on your journey!


bluefarie, very happily owned by Master Archeon

[dirtylittlebitchx]

no, not redundant at all :)
and i asked if we could meet at a restaurant or somewhere public first since i've done the vanilla online dating as well and that has worked out pretty well.

he lives a little over an hour from where i live so it's not that far of a distance if i needed to drive home and my best friend is making me call her throughout the night just so she knows im alive.lol

[leah06]

What? Have you met this guy in person before or not?

Yes, you've covered the safety stuff. Let your friends know where you are, do safe calls throughout the night, I don't think you're much more at risk than if you'd met him once or twice first. Although I do believe that you get a tremendous amount of information from just being with someone in person, for coffee or whatever.

Here's what I'm worried about, if you haven't met him in person before. Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that you show up to his house, or dinner or whatever, and he just doesn't float your boat. Not scary, not dangerous, just not to your taste. Then what? I personally, and I'm not speaking for other women or other subs, but I personally find it hard to disappoint someone, especially if they didn't do anything "wrong." That's one reason that I always had short vanilla dates for the first meeting. Then I could leave quickly and easily, and hopefully avoid having to answer that, when can I see you again question if I didn't want to. And even then it was hard. I would try to sidestep that question, but I will admit that on occasion I did make it sound like another date was forthcoming because it was very hard to look someone in the eye and say, I don't think so. (I'd always send an email when I got home, though. Cowardly, yes, but I never stood someone up.)

I can only imagine how much harder that would have been if I'd actually made a previous commitment to GO HOME WITH HIM. What are you planning to do? Can you look him in the eye and say, you're a nice guy but this just won't work for me? Are you planning to "go to the ladies room" and not come back? That's not very nice. But you need a plan for if this happens, not a safety plan but an emotional one, because otherwise you could well talk yourself into a truly horrid night just because you "don't want to be rude." Imagine how tough it is to spend a vanilla night with someone who doesn't turn you on. Now imagine that guy with a whip in his hand. Yuck.

[sdgirl]

Am i reading this right? After 3 days you've agreed to go to this stranger's house and spend the night?

No way in hell.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

Am i reading this right? After 3 days you've agreed to go to this stranger's house and spend the night?

No way in hell.

i might. i might just go to have a first session and either like bluefarie said get a hotel or just go home.

[roxi.slut]

Am i reading this right? After 3 days you've agreed to go to this stranger's house and spend the night?

No way in hell.


............and you met on collarme?

Yeah, I don't place this much trust in someone I have known for a year. Three days? Let him buy you coffee in a restaurant, at least get a feel for the guy, let your intuition have a go at him first.

Don't trust just anyone with your entire body. If he can't understand your concerns, then he isn't ready to conduct a session....or he is a bad Dom...run a search for "bad Dom" and read up on it, I bet you will change your mind!

[dirtylittlebitchx]

so we've decided to call off me going there for the weekend.
now here's another thing, he doesn't want to make a deeper connection until after training, by deeper connection i mean the vanilla aspects of who he is, does this seem shady or not?
i have until tomorrow to give him an answer whether i want to continue training or not.

[sdgirl]

What aspects are you talking about exactly?

[dirtylittlebitchx]

just basic things to know about a person, cliche things like: favorite food, color, ect. maybe because i'm so new to this i feel the need to know that kind of stuff....in my mind i don't want to go through training to be HIS slave and find out we have nothing in common besides bdsm.


ps. we both want 24/7 relationships much later down the road.

[roxi.slut]

Sounds to me like he is out for one thing. I would be concerned about this....unless you are only in it for play, and I would still be concerned. If you are looking for a Dom or Master, you better get to know him pretty well. Remember, you will be trusting this person to tie you up and do things to your body. Think. Once you are tied up, how much control over the situation will you have?

IMHO, if he is a good Dom, training would not be a priority for him. getting to know you, finding out if you have been mistreated in the past, making sure you are comfortable with him....among other things, would be first on his list.

It is just like any other relationship. Just remember, you are placing yourself in a dangerous situation.

[sdgirl]

Trust your instincts. If you don't feel comfortable there's a reason.

He seems like he's pushing for an awful lot very quickly and that would give me pause if i were in your shoes.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

i told him me being comfortable with him and getting to know me beforehand should be top priority before training and he just said "idk what else to tell you besides those are my methods and if its not what you want then so be it"

i just ended it because that to me just seems shady.

[sera]

I think you did the right thing.

Those things are important to me, because they're the things I need to feel comfortable with someone. I really don't think I could go in to a D/s or BDSM relationship without knowing a fair amount about the person who's hands I'm about to put my life in. If they aren't someone I'd want to be friends with, they're certainly not someone I'd want a relationship like that with. My Dom spent a lot of time getting to know me, and letting me get to know him, before he ever laid a hand on me. He didn't push, and for that, I'm so grateful.

Please find someone who thinks you're worth taking that kind of time.

[dirtylittlebitchx]

I need to find a Dom like that, you're so lucky. :)

[Ozme52]

Go to munches. Meet people and use your senses of who they are and what they offer. That also affords you the "protection" that the person you evnetually hook up with is already known in the local community.

You can ask around if his reputation therein isn't clear.

[leah06]

Good call. This is a new world for you, but in the end you're looking for a relationship. It might be an unusual one, it might need certain needs of yours, but it's a relationship and you get to have it with someone who's right for you. You can tell the difference between a Dom and an asshole.

[sera]

I need to find a Dom like that, you're so lucky. :)

Thanks, I do feel lucky, but I also took my time, did a lot of chatting, met several for coffee or lunch, and did a lot of reading here so I'd know what to look for and how to stay safe. The members here, and posts left by those long gone, are a wealth of information and guidance.

Because of my situation, I wasn't comfortable heading out to munches in my local community, but as Oz mentioned, others have found them to be a great resource. Being able verify a Dom's reputation would be a great perk just on it's own, but you might find some fun new friends too. :)

[bluefarie]

I fell into this trap, at first, of ok i am sub, he is a dom, we like some of the same kinky things, this should work, right? Uhm..chances are no, it probably won't. The reason for this being that just like any other, this is a relationship and other things need to be known. Even if a dom and sub are compatible in a bdsm sense, they may not be in other aspects of life and that is very important to know if you want a relationship with a person.

i am a 24/7 slave, but Master knows my favorite foods and favorite color because He took the time to get to know me to make sure W/we would be compatible for life, not just in bdsm, but many other aspects too.

i think we all get caught up in the newness and excitement of a first time thing, but i am only saying this because this was a mistake i made. Luckily, my first dom was very nice and nothing bad happened, but other than both being kinky, we really had nothing else in common and then i found out, our kinks didn't even match up! Talk about big mistake. lol Anyways, take your time, get to know a person as a person, that means the whole package! :)

Good luck and happy hunting.

bluefarie, very happily owned and engaged to Master Archeon