Is honesty always the best policy

[Guinevere666]

I am in a confusion as to what to do . I have had a Lovely Dom for the past 6 months. The relationship started through him advising me about my rather complicated life , after realizing my need for BDSM in my life following the breakup of my 25 year marriage . (vanilla and totally faithfull on my part). At the time I was seeing/playing with others , as well as occasionally sleeping with my husband (ex). I suppose I had found something that felt right , and I was greedy for all the experience I could get .
Initially he accepted my need , and has never pressured me to stop, I would tell him , and though I knew it didnt make him happy, he accepted it.
Over the months , he has become to mean so much more to me , and the others less. and 2 months ago I made the commitment to him that he would be the only one .
The relationship has been so much more fulfilling since .
My father died last week , after a long illness at home , which has been very stressful . I am also selling the marital home .The ex husband was at my house helping arrange the sale etc. and was comforting me for the loss of my father . We had a few drinks and I ended up in bed with him .
I feel so guilty and sick about it , It was not even enjoyable .
The question is - do I tell my Dom . I have always been very honest with him . and in some ways would feel a weight lifted to tell him , Physical punishment would be a relief ( I'm not a masochist - but enjoy enduring pain for his sake ).
But I dread the disappointment I will have caused, and the hurt he will feel. and the loss of the special closeness we have now , even the fear he will end the relationship .
Am I being a coward , wanting to protect myself as well as him .Or is this one time I can justify , taking the guilt, and punishing myself , and making it up to him as best I can .
I know it will never happen again , It felt wrong from the very start. and has only served to confirm my commitment to my Dom . I'm not sure if this is the right kind of thing to post here , but I would appreciate any thoughts . - thanks

[AnticipatingPain]

I would just tell him everything you have said here honey.

[skye67]

^^ what she said! and good luck

[_ID_]

Tell him. If you don't your guilt will eat away at you. And I'd bet he already senses that something is amiss with you, and is just working on figuring it out, or waiting on you to let him know what it is.

[pervertedpages]

in some ways would feel a weight lifted to tell him , Physical punishment would be a relief ( I'm not a masochist - but enjoy enduring pain for his sake )...

taking the guilt, and punishing myself , and making it up to him as best I can

Remember that I'm a stranger on the internet so please don't let my advice ruin your life in some way.

But it sounds like you want to tell him for the purpose of relieving yourself, because it's what will feel best for you, and even your motivation for punishment sounds self-serving. You feel guilty and you want to tell him so he can beat you and you can have a catharsis. You'll be able to move on, god knows I can't fault you for wanting that. Where are his feelings in all this?

That's not a snarky rhetorical question, it's just the question you should ask yourself before you make any decisions, since they seem to be based on solely on your own needs and the notion that people should always confess infidelities. That's the best I can give you without just telling you where my "moral compass" would fall in terms of infidelity and what to do next. That's something that's too personal for me to ever give you advice on, because everyone thinks differently about that. But just... Just at least make sure you're not doing it solely to enhance your own ability to pick up and move on in your relationship with him, because you might find that he's unable to do so as quickly as you -- he might not feel as cleansed as you do in the whole "atonement" scene scenario -- and you should be prepared for that.

[denuseri]

What I would do, would depend upon what my exact relationship is with said individual and what exact paramaters exist in our arrangment with each other.

Like is it an online or real life relationship, is it an open or closed, etc.

If its online only, well I simpley dont agree to anything closed in that area becuase one can never really know someone else from online alone anyway, I would have no idea that the guy in question isnt himself married in real life and or carrying on with ten other people etc.

Ultimately only you can decide if your going to tell him anything about it.

[Guinevere666]

Thank you This is a real life relationship . My gut instinct is to protect him from the knowledge , as it can only cause pain, and dissapointment . Which I don't really feel punishment would relieve . He has never punished me , as I have taken pains to be as he would like . And he is not a hard taskmaster . I have always been totally honest till now , so yes maybe you are right and it would do me more good than him . I have spent some time on this site recently and respect and value the advice and opinions of the contributors . I think i have learned a lot . It just seems that in a whole lot of posts that honesty is valued more highly than almost anything else . I think I will be punishing myself so much anyway . And I am surprised and relieved that I haven't had loads of poeple tell me how wicked I am to have allowed thus situation to develop in the first place . .

[_ID_]

If you don't tell him, and he finds out from someone else, it may be harder for him to look beyond the discretion in order to keep the relationship.

Breakdown of trust, coupled with breakdown of communication is a recipe that will end a relationship. If you want it to continue, I suggest telling and asking for forgiveness. It will be hard for him to do so, but if he values you, and the relationship he may find it is possible.

[leah06]

In this case, I think you should tell him, because I agree with ID that keeping it to yourself will undermine the relationship and always be unspoken between you. BUT I strongly strongly caution you to have this conversation from a "relationship" perspective and not a D/s one. If you think a man that loves you and cares for you is going to hear this news, put on his Dom leathers, and beat you until you don't feel guilty anymore, I think you're mistaken. You need to tell him what happened, why it happened, what you've learned and why it will never happen again. You need to be really clear that you know this hurts him, and that the reason you're sharing it with him is for the relationship and not just because you would feel better if you did. Then tell him that you accept whatever position he takes on it that will make it easier for HIM - if he wants to punish you, then you accept that, and if not, you will still learn from what happened and never repeat it. But whether he responds in a D/s manner or not, please don't think that the D/s will really allow you to atone, or to relieve your guilt. It won't.

[brwneydgirl]

I think I will be punishing myself so much anyway.

And this is what I think pervertedpages referenced in that reply. You are punishing yourself and you're dwelling on it and hoping for a nice physical punishment to relieve your mental anguish.

Whether you decide to tell him or not...(and after all, it's your life...), I would take some time to REALLY examine what happened. I've been sad about a parent passing--and been drunk--but I don't like that as an excuse for behavior we're not proud of. Don't get me wrong...I've done some stupid things because I was drunk but in all honesty, I probably would've done them anyway.

Good luck to you.

[Bobbitsj]

I completely agree with leah. Very well put leah. I know I really don't have any real true insight on the matter however I will say before you do anything Guin, make sure nothing of the like will happen again. It sounds like you have had a bit of a pattern and if you out yourself to your "loving Dom" and then repeat these actions it wont be good.
Only you know what's best so as everyone else, I wish you luck and happiness.

[Elissma]

lying to a loved one never works. my master/fiance (yes im starting to consider lobster my master) found i been lying to him over silly things to spare his feelings. he became so sad when he found out i thought i would die. Telling the truth can and will liberate you. But believe me he will be very upset w. you. i honestly do not know what he will do... just be truthful

[Guinevere666]

Thankyou all , I will see him thursday , You have opened my eyes to things I hadnt considered
Brwnydgirl , you are right , the circumstances are no excuse , and yes I could have stopped it at the beginning . I suppose I was just trying to justify to myself . I must take responsibility and admit to myself that I am guilty. And yes a physical 'punishment' would actually be a reward . I would not be scared of that, but am scared of the pain I will cuase him and the harm to the relationship, Of him seeing me in a bad light .
Bobbitsj, Again you are right , This had been a bit of a pattern . but previously was out in the open . A kind of protection against commitment and getting too close . Before it has always felt 'right'.
This time it was , and felt, terribly ,terribly wrong . I feel deep inside it will never happen again . It has shown me the way along this path is not going to be as easy as i maybe thought, and i need to take more care , thoughtfulness and responsibility for my actions .
Leah06. I think your comment has made the most sense . It is a 'relationship ' issue . after all it is the relationship that makes the BDSM so fulfilling .
pervertedpages . thankyou , you have made me see the selfishness in my wanting forgiveness/punishment . He comes first !.
To everyone else . thankyou for taking the time to reply , and give your insight . It has all given me a balanced perspective on which to base my desicion .
I have a couple more days to decide . Love to you all
As yet I am still unsure of what I will do .