Learning Newbie and Lurker

[nerameshu]

As stated, I'm what I've noticed other posters refer to as a 'lurker' and I apologize for that. I decided a long time ago that I'd read first, experience, and post later. I did plenty of reading. I now have a part time sub (I determine when we play, but it doesn't happen everynight). And I still think something is missing.

I am a slight sadist, in the sense that I love to her that whimper from pain, and I'm a Dom in the sense that I get a thrill when I see her listening to me, obeying me... But, despite the fact that we've been together for three, nearly four years as a vanilla couple, with almost a half-year (if not more) in a Dom/sub relationship, I almost feel that something is missing. It mostly stems from the fact that we don't live together, and we both live with our families (I being two years out of high school and her four years from the same school), so we can't do long scenes like other couples/groups do. That doesn't bother me.

What I would like to ask is your personal favorite assignments/tasks in situations similar to this. For reference, I've had her write her list of limits (both hard and soft, which I've made her revise a couple of times), and I also have her write a journal page everytime we do a scene. (In case I use the term "collar night", I'll explain: I bought her a collar just before we started doing this. When I want to play a little, I have her put on the collar. I do this so she can get into the right state of mind, seeing as I like her otherwise independent nature otherwise. So if I refer to her being collared, it's not in the generally accepted BDSM Community way, it's just a time during which she wears the collar and therefore we play.)

[_ID_]

Perhaps it's not the play that is lacking. I'd say explore all facets of the relationship to the fullest extent possible.

[nerameshu]

Oh trust me, we will. There is, coming up in a month or two, a chance for us to spend a week straight together. When that time comes, I'm only asking her to put the collar on for one full day/night. That's why I asked about tasks.

Although I've learned enough with my lurking that I should not take this advice lightly, and I won't, trust me. I truly do value all help I recieve.

-Nerameshu

[Jennifer Williams]

It sounds to me like your relationship has what is most essential: communication. I may be wrong but something as clear as "collar-on" "collar-off" seems amazingly inventive to me. I didn't see you write anywhere though whether your partner enjoys these play sessions? Are they as into it as you are? Maybe the thing that is "missing" is that you are more sadistic than you want to admit and your vanilla partner can't provide you with that? This doesn't mean you can't be together, but ANY relationship's only hope is complete honesty and communication, you need to be honest with yourself first, then honest with your partner.

[nerameshu]

Honestly, I'm not sure. I do know that, perhaps as part of my upbringing, no matter how sadistic I may be, if I see her in pain, it rends me in ways I never thought possible. I mean, keep in mind, I am only nineteen, but... I don't know. I'm not that wise yet.

And also, she's into the idea of it, but in a different way than I am. Although we have verbally discussed this, I'm still not entirely sure how it is that she enjoys this kind of relationship. (I am only a man, after all! lol) That's why I instituted the idea of journalling that I employ: After each of our collar nights, she writes a small entry about the things she liked about the session. That way, I may be able to put in more of what she likes.

One last thing... The "collar on, collar off" thing stems from the fact that we have differing views about the lifestyle. She likes aspects of it, but not necessarily the aspects that I like. I also know that, in a vanilla sense, we both enjoy just cuddling and making out. If that makes me excited, I will tell her to put the collar on. Then, she has a chance to "persuade" me that it is a bad idea that night. That way, I can build the foundation to a Dom/sub relationship without sacrificing the only girl that has ever meant more to me than my life. Plus, if I find out that I'm not really as much in BDSM as I may think, it's an easy out. So, in all ways, I'm relatively covered.