MrVortex
10-27-2004, 04:03 PM
My wife and I for the longest time was pretty open with each other.. Admitting we had these deep desires of the D/s lifestyle but we never really explored it until we was running into problems with our relationship and my addiction to internet cyber.
She and I both couldn't understand why I was so consumed by internet cyber.. Actually she is the one that introduced it to me as she had confessed having a relationship online with someone else during our marriage before I even knew what it was hehe.
I told her I didn't mind her having this relationship online.. I thought it was great that she was exploring her sexuality so I decided I would explore that route as well and sure enough I found it incredible.. Shoot early on we assisted each other, having sex behind the scenes while she cybered, etc.. It was a wonderful advancement in our relationship in that department.
Somehow over time I would spend less time with her. Early on she stopped doing it altogether. Shoot I used to tie her up and do all kinds of things .. We had great 'adventures' in the bedroom. I think what fascinated me most about the online relationship was I expressed things about myself I couldn't in RL and got the same in return. Like getting to know the inner person first. My wife and I struggled with the issue of cyber for a couple of years and I just couldn't put my finger on were my thinking was going wrong to prefer it over intimacy with my wife.
I think she felt left out and probably jealous and of course me feeling like the dog because I couldn't tear myself away from the cyber. The cyber had went from a wonderful means of getting off with several different people down to a relationship with just 1 at a time for long periods of time as it became something more intimate to me than just getting off.
Finally it got to a point where I was about to loose her.. we couldn't resolve this issue. Me thinking how could something like cyber or intimacy online become such a critical issue in our marriage. I couldn't believe it was such an issue that it would actually break up the marriage. I understood her view points on it but I also understood how she originally felt about it and I wanted to tap into that first impression she had of it to insure her that it was innocent compared to the type of relationship she and I had.
So abstractly we sat down, looking at the marriage from a larger picture and found out that we had both been reading up on BDSM and knew alot about it. She admitted to being sub and I admitted I was more a dominate. So she decided to trust me and turn herself over to me as my sub.. Purely her choice. I didn't coerce directly (unless this cyber stuff did indirectly bring her to this point as a last resort to win me back -in her eyes). We had a list of things, a negotiation of sorts when we outlined the needs of both of us.
My goal as Dom was to look at her in all areas of her life, not just the sex and concentrate on nuturing those things so there wasn't any hardlining effort on my part to beat her down into submission or anything like that.. It was more nuturing.. I tackled areas such as her stress levels, how her professional life affected her,, how much energy she would need to make it through the day and gauged how much stamina she had before we even considered any sex activities.. Sex at this point was very low on the priority list.. Yes she needed it for release but she didn't need alot of burden during off hours from work to deal with so my main goal was to try and provide a relaxing atmosphere for her at home until she built up her strength to handle the stresses at work.
Well it turns out that I still had this addiction to online intimacy and sure enough we addressed that issue in consideration for our D/s lifestyle and it was agreed that I wouldn't stop it.. My goal here was two fold.. 1. I needed to determine why I was addicted to it and 2. I needed to make her realize that she was most important in my life and that this cyber stuff was something I could take or leave (shrugs).
I am getting long winded here and believe I am starting to loose the point of this thread.. So I will try to bring it to conclusion real quick like.
Basically I failed as a Dom, whether that was due to lack of trust on her part or not I don't know.. But there was a sincere effort on my part to make it work and on her part as well.. She loved wearing a collar..
I am still trying to pickup the pieces to this and learn the lesson.. Loved that woman more than anything and now she is gone and she isn't happy where she finds herself now..
Looking back I see a mistake I made. She turned herself over to me completely and I was blind to the fact that her biggest need was my attention (maybe not the right word). I deprived her of that by keeping the cyber as a staple to our relationship.. I believe in hindsight I could have easily gone without the cyber or online intmacy if I had just taken a moment to realize the depth of pain she felt that I was involved with it. I was hoping to turn it all around so that the cyber was just a passing thing that we enjoyed together from time to time and I was really excited about exploring my Dom side with her but I just had to keep part of that cyber in the relationship... I kind of hoped that the D/s relationship would tear my desire to cyber away so I could concentrate fully on our relationship but it just didn't work..
So now what I am faced with is cyber only and the lack of a companion by my side.
I am still trying to figure out why I chose to make cyber or online intimacy such an important part of my life to the downfall of our marriage. It's just wierd.. I need to learn the lesson from this before I continue in this lifestyle or any relationship for that matter so any feedback is appreciated.
She and I both couldn't understand why I was so consumed by internet cyber.. Actually she is the one that introduced it to me as she had confessed having a relationship online with someone else during our marriage before I even knew what it was hehe.
I told her I didn't mind her having this relationship online.. I thought it was great that she was exploring her sexuality so I decided I would explore that route as well and sure enough I found it incredible.. Shoot early on we assisted each other, having sex behind the scenes while she cybered, etc.. It was a wonderful advancement in our relationship in that department.
Somehow over time I would spend less time with her. Early on she stopped doing it altogether. Shoot I used to tie her up and do all kinds of things .. We had great 'adventures' in the bedroom. I think what fascinated me most about the online relationship was I expressed things about myself I couldn't in RL and got the same in return. Like getting to know the inner person first. My wife and I struggled with the issue of cyber for a couple of years and I just couldn't put my finger on were my thinking was going wrong to prefer it over intimacy with my wife.
I think she felt left out and probably jealous and of course me feeling like the dog because I couldn't tear myself away from the cyber. The cyber had went from a wonderful means of getting off with several different people down to a relationship with just 1 at a time for long periods of time as it became something more intimate to me than just getting off.
Finally it got to a point where I was about to loose her.. we couldn't resolve this issue. Me thinking how could something like cyber or intimacy online become such a critical issue in our marriage. I couldn't believe it was such an issue that it would actually break up the marriage. I understood her view points on it but I also understood how she originally felt about it and I wanted to tap into that first impression she had of it to insure her that it was innocent compared to the type of relationship she and I had.
So abstractly we sat down, looking at the marriage from a larger picture and found out that we had both been reading up on BDSM and knew alot about it. She admitted to being sub and I admitted I was more a dominate. So she decided to trust me and turn herself over to me as my sub.. Purely her choice. I didn't coerce directly (unless this cyber stuff did indirectly bring her to this point as a last resort to win me back -in her eyes). We had a list of things, a negotiation of sorts when we outlined the needs of both of us.
My goal as Dom was to look at her in all areas of her life, not just the sex and concentrate on nuturing those things so there wasn't any hardlining effort on my part to beat her down into submission or anything like that.. It was more nuturing.. I tackled areas such as her stress levels, how her professional life affected her,, how much energy she would need to make it through the day and gauged how much stamina she had before we even considered any sex activities.. Sex at this point was very low on the priority list.. Yes she needed it for release but she didn't need alot of burden during off hours from work to deal with so my main goal was to try and provide a relaxing atmosphere for her at home until she built up her strength to handle the stresses at work.
Well it turns out that I still had this addiction to online intimacy and sure enough we addressed that issue in consideration for our D/s lifestyle and it was agreed that I wouldn't stop it.. My goal here was two fold.. 1. I needed to determine why I was addicted to it and 2. I needed to make her realize that she was most important in my life and that this cyber stuff was something I could take or leave (shrugs).
I am getting long winded here and believe I am starting to loose the point of this thread.. So I will try to bring it to conclusion real quick like.
Basically I failed as a Dom, whether that was due to lack of trust on her part or not I don't know.. But there was a sincere effort on my part to make it work and on her part as well.. She loved wearing a collar..
I am still trying to pickup the pieces to this and learn the lesson.. Loved that woman more than anything and now she is gone and she isn't happy where she finds herself now..
Looking back I see a mistake I made. She turned herself over to me completely and I was blind to the fact that her biggest need was my attention (maybe not the right word). I deprived her of that by keeping the cyber as a staple to our relationship.. I believe in hindsight I could have easily gone without the cyber or online intmacy if I had just taken a moment to realize the depth of pain she felt that I was involved with it. I was hoping to turn it all around so that the cyber was just a passing thing that we enjoyed together from time to time and I was really excited about exploring my Dom side with her but I just had to keep part of that cyber in the relationship... I kind of hoped that the D/s relationship would tear my desire to cyber away so I could concentrate fully on our relationship but it just didn't work..
So now what I am faced with is cyber only and the lack of a companion by my side.
I am still trying to figure out why I chose to make cyber or online intimacy such an important part of my life to the downfall of our marriage. It's just wierd.. I need to learn the lesson from this before I continue in this lifestyle or any relationship for that matter so any feedback is appreciated.