Just clearing my head

[Ashlyn]

I've been into BDSM for years. When I was younger I didn't know what I liked had a name(s). My boyfriend and I are headed for our 4 year anniversary in a couple days. He is not a dom by any means. I would love for him to be but..... he's not.I've explained what I want, how I want it but it's like he forgets. When we 'play' he'll get into it but not as much as I'd like. He has vanilla interests in sex. I'm just starting to ask myself if I love him enough to go without getting my cravings fulfilled. Or if we could have an open relationship or I don't know. My mind is just so cluttered. I just don't know what to do and not really sure why I'm writing. I just need someone not in the relationship to give me some clarity or direction. Should I stay and try to talk it out again or start looking for someone else. We've been together since high school and it's been great. But the sex is not what I crave.

[jeanne]

You are asking us to give you direction, and the only one who can do that is you. You need to decide, for yourself, what you need, what you want, what you can live without, and what is non-negotiable. It sounds like you want more and he is not interested. You mention a possible open relationship - have you discussed an open or poly relationship style with him?

[Fiera]

This is not a give or take thing. You cannot come last on the list of life since it is your life. This is in your soul. Unfortunately, if it is not apart of his soul, you will sense this while in play and it will never bring you pleasure even if he does agree.

You could let him read this site and let him understand that this is as meaningful to you as sex may be to him. If I want to dominate you then you feed off of my power and I off of you. It is afterall a power exchange. If you lack this then it doesn't work.

For most vanilla partners I encourage, I stick with simple tasks that hit close to home. Like doing things that involve sensory tasks or a simple spanking over his lap. They are not too wild or crazy and these have prooven to work for some. They only need the interest to build their curiosity. You have to show them that this is not whips and chains and the steriotype that they believe it to be. It is just delving into a realm where sensory takes on new meaning.

If all else fails join a club that does play parties regularly. That will keep you going. Otherwise, find your own kind and ultimately you will have a partner who truely understands you.

[flying66]

Well give us a little more information on what you've actually tried. BDSM 'pillow-talk' is probably a lot harder when you aren't all that into it and don't really understand bdsm.

Let me elaborate on that, offering submission to someone who doesn't know what to do with it is unfulfilling. Start out slow, so nothing like over-the-knee spanking.

Try asking him to hold your wrists while you have sex. That's actually quite a trip for me because it's the feeling of being 'helpless' and not being able to 'stop' what's happening to me.

Ask him to blindfold you and tie your wrists to the headboard while you guys have sex.

See if he's open to trying stuff like that...

[darkfae]

I do think I was in your exact relationship about 3 years ago....I was with the guy almost 5 years, since I was in high school together. Things went well until we moved in together and they slowly went south. He was the "nice guy" in the relationship, he needed attention and hugging and touching and all that...I worked 2 jobs to support him while he was in school and put my education and my desires on the back burner for him. I was always way into bdsm and he could barely take an interest in anything besides plain normal vanilla sex. I wanted roleplaying, toys, something...to keep me interested. I have a high sex drive, but I get bored easy.

I really couldn't even get him to be rough with me, because he was always worried he'd "hurt me" and no matter how many times I replied "short of stabbing me, you aren't going to." I was severely disassociated from the relationship by year number 5 and even when he "tried" you could openly tell he wasn't into it.

I eventually lost interest in him and the relationship. I had a few online affairs with D/s relationships that way to keep me entertained and at least give me something to daydream about while we were having sex. I broke up with him 3 times, it wasn't just over that, but I needed a "dominant", someone that desired to be a provider, a protector, that could shove me against the wall and stick his tongue down my throat. That would throw my ass back in line when I was out of it, and could live up to his promises.

I always went back b/c he'd call and beg me to come back, and I always did. Mostly b/c I thought I deserved to be treated the way he treated me, that I'd never find anyone that's "as nice." despite the fact I wasn't really happy, he was really my first serious relationship and I didn't want to be responsible for hurting him.

End the end I lost a huge portion of myself, my self-respect and a whole lot of other things, but those were the most important to me b/c I didn't end something when it should've been and walked away. I didn't seek out what I needed to fulfill me and make me happy. Two weeks after we broke up the final time, I met my Owner and have been deliriously happy ever since.

He too has his problems, but omg he is 10000000000 and 1 times better than my ex at keeping me fulfilled. :)

Just my personal story. Nobody can make any decisions for you. But you need to consider whether or not you're willing to go the rest of your life w/o having that itch properly scratched.

B/c he did try sometimes, like I'm sure your's does...but b/c I knew he didn't really care for it, it was like scratching an itch with a pair of oven mitts on. It helps a little, but it's not really the perfect satisfying solution. And if he's not willing to let you have an open relationship or take on something else to satisfy it, what lengths are you willing to go to to satisfy it?

[trissymac]

as the sub, it is you who are in control. While the power exchange itself suggests the dominant must take charge, leading as in dancing, the kind of play you desire requires you to be in control. Instead of yearning him to take the dominant role, you take it and command him to top you. The ol' topping from the bottom. Tease him enough and he'll be whatever you want of him.

Many Dommes I have spoken with believe the sub is always in charge. Afterall, the sub is the center of attention. And there's the addage that only by following do we become good leaders.

Good luck!

[VaAugusta]

I do want to remind you that what you want are, in fact, fantasies. Nothing will ever be perfect and I feel it is healthy to be content with the way the world works. I don't say this to dissuade you from being happier. It very well may be that finding someone else could be the right choice. But just keep your head level a bit.

I feel that your being less interested will pay a toll on him. And I'm not sure that it's fair to continue with a relationship when you spend most of your time day dreaming about something else.

While darkfae's story is encouraging towards the BDSM side, I don't know that those results are typical. Frankly, if the guy was begging her to come back, then I feel maybe anyone would have been better (I don't mean this in offense, just to show emphasis that he wasn't the most.. domineering person). Keep a few things in mind about a BDSM life ahead of time. Are you planning on having a demanding job? Do you want to get married? What about children? Family? Weigh the contrasts between your vanilla world you imagine yourself in, and the BDSM one before making any big decision.

[Jennifer Williams]

I think the first step is to have a long, serious, clear, blatantly straightforward conversation with him. All these things you just told us? You need to tell him. Once he knows how important BDSM is to you (and it sounds as if it's very important to you), then you two can both approach whether to stay together or not. But being in a sexual relationship with a person who has different sexual tastes from you can be difficult (and that applies to all different kinds of tastes, not just BDSM). Some people can give it up and still be happy; others cannot. Unfortunately in the end, no one can decide that but you.

My biggest suggestion: don't listen to what other people say about whether you should stay together. Follow your own heart and mind: you know best whether you're happy.

[sdgirl]

Putting aside the bdsm aspects completely, any couple that is incompatible sexually is almost always doomed to fail. Or if not fail, they will be very unhappy. If he can't fulfill your needs you will eventually grow to resent him.

Life is too short for what ifs and coulda beens.

[sub17]

I so understand!! I am in a r/ship with a vanilla guy who tries this/that but it's soooo ---I dunno....lame?!! I've been with a real Dom and it's SO different and so much more satisfying all around, but then again, there's this feeling that this vanilla guy is more loving, and "nice" etc and you don't necessarily want to give that up.

You are young, and I would encourage you to do what feel good to you. Talk with him, if that doesn't work, fulfill your own needs on your own, however that might be.

(((hugs)))

*from someone who is realizing that she just won't settle for less anymore*