Just a rant

[duktig flicka]

Yes, this is just a rant. I just really need to get this out and this is the only place where talking about such things is acceptable, so I have to either do it here or go insane by myself. I promise this is not a plea for attention, so feel free to ignore it and go merrily along your way. I'm upset, so don't let the lack of coherency surprise you.

I really feel like I can't please him anymore. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too ugly, I'm too fat, I'm not good enough in bed, I complain too much, I'm not sexy enough, probably a combination of those things and much more. If I just knew, I could handle it and probably even fix it but he's not telling me. All I can see is that he's lost all enthusiasm about using me and no matter how much I run around trying to please him, his reaction is always blasé.

He used to play with me for hours, but now it's just a quickie where he seems to just go through the motions and it's become so repetitive. Most of the time he only wants to cuddle these days. He still has plenty of interest in me in other ways and even wants to spend more time with me than I'd like to spend with him, but he seems to have lost all interest in me serving him. Has he suddenly gone vanilla and he's just keeping up with the bdsm to please me? How sad and ironic would that be?

I don't know how I'd deal with that. I play a little bit of a dominant role in other aspects of the relationship since he despises making decisions and I despise having decisions made for me, which usually satisfies me just fine. But that is going to drive me insane if I don't have the submission to balance it out. I am getting overwhelmed with guilt that I am just a bitchy, dominant girlfriend and I feel like he's going to start hating me soon. I know he won't, but I still feel like he will.

Pathetic though it may be, I can't help it. I absolutely need to see him pleased with me to have any sense of self-worth about myself. And now it's affecting other aspects of my life because it's making me depressed. If I'm not even good enough to please him, how can I possibly be successful in other aspects of my life? I can't stand knowing I'm such a bad slave but having no idea what to do about it. I really need a big, painful punishment to ease the guilt.

[AndrewBlack]

Maybe it's not you, maybe it's him. Sounds like things may have changed without you being the cause for the change.

I don't think people change their sexual tastes overnight and am therefore basing this on the assumption that he was genuinely into this and not doing it purely for your satisfaction.

Is he depressed or are bad things happening to him? Is he frustrated in some way at the moment? Have you spoken to him about this?

[spike]

flicka, how much of the concerns you bring to this forum is your partner aware of?

If he knows you're worried about the causes of your desires, and that you are confused by others trying to foist their definitions of BDSM on you, and that you feel you must be a bad slave, then maybe he feels that what you really need IS a cuddle. I'd give you one if I could.

You're rant tells us what you feel you need. Does he know? If he does, there's a real problem, I guess. If he doesn't, show the rant to him. And look forward to a good heavy punishment for bad communication.

Spike

[Eraser]

you beat me to the question Spike :P

[duktig flicka]

Thank you...

AndrewBlack, I don't think he's depressed. I'm the first to know when he feels under the weather. He seems to be perfectly happy, and happy to be with me, but not for me to serve him anymore. On the contrary, it seems like he's wanting me to get more dominant as he wants me to make every little decision. I'm happy to do that, but only if I can balance it out. It makes me feel so guilty.

spike..um..well..
*goes red in the the face*

I don't want to worry him. I've told him briefly that I had some bad stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd want to hear me prattering on about details. If he wanted to know, he'd ask, right? I'm not going to push it onto him. That kind of stuff is taboo. I don't like talking about it and certainly no one wants to hear about it so I need to just be mature and forget about it.

He doesn't know that I associate with other people in bdsm. I'm embarassed to tell him.

There's no way I can bring up the issue from this post with him. How can I say that without turning it around to be about my needs instead of his? If I tried to bring it up, it would just be me blubbering that I'm not good enough and he'd say "there there" and nothing would be accomplished except that I'd be annoying.

Maybe I'm even worse than I thought. But if he wants to know something, then surely he'll ask. I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?

[spike]

..um..well..
*goes red in the the face*
I don't want to worry him. I've told him briefly that I had some bad stuff in the past, but I don't think he'd want to hear me prattering on about details. If he wanted to know, he'd ask, right? Wrong! If he thought it would hurt you to go into your past, he would avoid the subject or approach it very carefully. (If he is a caring and responsible person who feels for you, that is.)

Communication, a cornerstone of good relationships of all kinds, vanilla and bdsm, requires you to tell him what you feel. It's the only way he can find out. And finding out is the only way he can get any idea what the right thing to do is.
He doesn't know that I associate with other people in bdsm. I'm embarassed to tell him.Perhaps not so embarrassed as you are to tell him what you need. If you trust him, show it.
There's no way I can bring up the issue from this post with him. How can I say that without turning it around to be about my needs instead of his? It's not turning it around. That is precisely what it is. And he needs to know.
I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?What you have said to us. He already knows you and feels for you, we are a load of strangers. Doesn't he deserve to know what we know?

Talking about your needs once isn't 'talking about yourself all the time'. Give him a chance, flicka.

Spike

[Curtis]

Spike's got darn near the perfect reply up there, so I'll just try to muddy it a little.

If I have this correctly from other threads, you're working on a Master's in Psychology, but you don't believe in communication? Disconnect alert!

There are a number of reasons why your boyfriend (NOT husband!) hasn't been asking questions about this. First, he's a guy. Not all guys are clueless, but enough are to keep the stereotype alive. He may not realize that there's anything wrong with your end of the relationship, especially if there's nothing wrong with his. One of my pet phrases to use on women who accuse me of being insensitive to their needs is, "I'm sorry, I left my mind reading cap at home today." Where did women ever get the idea that we can tell what's wrong (or even that something is wrong) just from the tone of their voice or the expression on their face? I can't tell that my brakes are locked up when my car's pulling to the right and there's smoke coming from the wheel well. Completely clueless.

Second, he might figure that you don't want to talk about it (which you don't), so he's just being sensitive to what he perceives as your need. This would put him one up the evolutionary scale from me, but still doesn't help the situation.

Third, he's accustomed to you taking charge everywhere but the bedroom (wish I could find a girlfriend like that), so he may be assuming that you'll take the initiative in broaching this subject.

There are others, but I'll leave them as an exercise for the student.

You're not too ugly or too fat. Unless your appearance has changed A LOT {emphasis, emphasis} since you started the relationship, since you looked good enough to get him, then you look good enough to keep him. For most guys, once he's had you in bed, looks drop about six positions on their priority list.

Finally (for now), Spike is exactly right that this IS about your needs, so no turning is necessary. Not hearing his side of the story, it seems as though his needs are being met. You communicate beautifully in writing. If you really can't talk to him about this (nonsense, but we'll allow the fiction), then write him a letter. The next time you see him, drop to your knees with your head bowed and wordlessly hand him the letter. The embarassment alone may be enough to satisfy your need to be punished.

[spike]

What he said. ^^

Spike

[jaeangel]

Okay. Damn, where do I start...? Umm.
Flicka, I looked at your profile. You're actually not that much younger than i am (I was born in '79, you in '81) but I think maybe you're a fairly new dancer on the D/s stage.
"It seems like he's wanting me to get more dominant..."
In your profile you mention that you have an interest/background/whatever in ballet. Have you ever danced a pas de deux? The lead changes in a pas de deux. Sometimes the spotlight's on you, and you have to lead the dance. And sometimes it's on your partner, and he has to lead.
The same thing is true in D/s. You have to take the lead sometimes. So does he. He can't take the lead all the time, otherwise it stops being a pas de deux and starts being a solo, and you're left waiting in the wings for him to claim you to rejoin the dance. So if he turns the spotlight on you, so to speak, it's not because he's not happy to be with you anymore, it's simply your turn to lead. Don't feel guilty about it, that's just the way things ARE in D/s. Or should be. There are relationships out there where the Dominant micromanages everything, and from what I've read about you in your posts, you'd hate that!
"I've told him I had some bad stuff in the past..."
Believe me, I know what bad stuff in the past is. I was physically abused (think haircut with a meat cleaver, whole weekends not allowed to sleep or eat, kneeling in a corner having my ass and legs and hands bruised with a two-inch diameter hickory branch, that kind of thing) and emotionally abused as a child by my adopted mother (who never told me I was adopted and lied to me about it for 20 years) and by kids at school because I was adopted and because I was a Korean kid in a school full of rich white snobs, raped at fourteen and had to get an abortion in secret because I didn't dare tell my mom, got in a bad S/M relationship when I was nineteen that put me in the hospital, found out I was adopted only after it was too late to find anything out about my birth parents, got disowned by said mother when I became pregnant by my fiance, and had to elope with him because she didn't want to get married. We all have stuff in our pasts we'd like not to think about. Some more than others. But if you truly want to get anywhere with your significant other, you need to be upfront with what you need, want, and desire. You may not get into details with him...but he does need to know that. Past abuse does have some bearing on current lifestyle choices.
"I don't like talking about it..."
Neither do I, Flicka.
"No one wants to hear about it..."
Yes they do. If the people who are around you care about you, they do want to hear about it. If they don't, you need to get rid of them. Fast.
"I need to just be mature and forget about it..."
Since the technology hasn't been invented yet that would make you able to selectively delete certain brain cells that store bad memories in them, the forgetting part is pretty much out of the question. And maturity isn't about forgetting; maturity is about accepting what happened, talking to yourself or having someone to talk to about the welter of hurt feelings and emotional turmoil, and accepting that there's nothing you can do about it now. Nietsche said, 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Sometimes that's true, depending on the 'what' and the 'you', but having someone you love and respect listening to your problems and cuddling you when you want to cry helps a lot. And sometimes the person you choose to cry on isn't your significant other. There's nothing wrong with that.
"He doesn't know that I associate with others in BDSM...I'm embarassed to tell him..."
Sweetheart, if you can't tell him then who can you tell? He already knows you're 'into' the life, you both are engaging in the D/s dance, and you're both consenting adults. If he can't accept your lifestyle choices then he's not mature enough to accept being your dominant.
"If he wanted to know he'd ask..."
*sigh* Men won't ask about stuff like this. Simply because they are men. Did you know that men have fewer neural connections in their brains going from emotion centers to thought centers to speech centers? Almost 50% fewer than women do. Know what this means? THEY DON'T ASK ABOUT EMOTION STUFF BECAUSE THEY CAN'T. They aren't hardwired that way, the hardware is missing. God forgot to install the hardware to go with the software! So while they may be curious about that, they physically can't ask.There are exceptions, but mostly that's the rule. So if you want him to know something, YOU have to bring it up.
"Maybe I'm worse than I thought..."
*deeper sigh* You're being too hard on yourself. (Don't feel bad, so am I.) Unecessarily. Stop beating yourself over the head, because it's not going to do anything but give you a headache! :)
"I don't want to be talking about myself all the time. What would I say?..."
Exactly what you've said here. All you're doing here on the forums..all ANY of us are doing here...is talking about ourselves; what we like-want-need-hate-love-stuff like that. And there are enough of us who are interested in what the other person has to say that we manage to keep some fairly brisk conversations going around here. The fact that you have this many replies to a thread YOU started means there are people out there interested in hearing YOU talk about yourself. The fact that you've had the patience to get through this long-ass post to get to this part says you're interested in what I have to say about myself as it relates to yourself. So if HE cares about you AT ALL, which he obviously does, then he'll be twice as interested in what you have to say as we are. And if he isn't, then as much as you care about him, you need to get out of the relationship.
And one other thing to consider. Masters do need to be trained. They need to be shown what to do with a D/S relationship. Perhaps, if you directed him to these forums, he'd jave a better understanding of how to deal with your relationship. That's why forums like this one exist. To learn. If he was experienced with D/s you would probably not have the kinds of problems you're having now. If he isn't experienced then the problems you're having right now are common, and he should come in here and chat for a bit and do some reading. Either way he could benefit from coming here. "Hey, I found this really neat site with stories and stuff, and I liked this story, and maybe you'd like it, check it out. And oh, by the way, there's a message board for people into 'the life' and I've been lurking and maybe putting out a few posts because I was curious and they really are neat, and they'd love to meet the owner of such a good sub and find out how you trained me..." which isn't really the truth, but men need to have their egos stroked so you can get away with saying stuff like this (I'm married, I know!) and in the process of coming here to 'teach', he will learn, and your relationship will be better .
And now that I've talked your ear off, I'll let you think on that...

[spike]

and what she said too ^^

Spike

[jaeangel]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!

Don't you, Spike?
*grins and slaps him on the back*

[spike]

See what I mean? Case in point. Spike agrees with me on the man thing too!But I can't articulate it. :D

Spike

[jaeangel]

Come on, Spikey wikey, if you weally weally twy...
Sorry, couldn't resist. My bad. You can spank me for being bad! :D

[spike]

You can spank me for being bad! :D :rolleyes: Let's not give flicka the wrong idea. This is her thread and it is a serious matter. I think we've said our pieces on the thread so let's take this frivolity elsewhere. :)

Spike

[chromedome11]

jaeangel,

My congratulations on your answer. Straight from the heart, relevant (and painful) personal experiences, no judging, just valuable advice.

You've done your good deed for the day. May your reward be the best spanking you've ever had.

[duktig flicka]

You guys are so nice to me. And so wise, too. Thank you. I'm still trying to think what to do. I'm just scared of doing the wrong thing and messing everything up. Plus I hate talking about relationshipy feely thingies. Um, am I bad to respond to this? After you guys were all so kind, I don't want to make you feel like you have to keep up this conversation and be my therapist, so I'm going to respond to the points rather than the individual people who made them.

I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants.

I don't want him to read my mind, and I don't want him to know how I feel because then he'll start trying to please me, which is the reverse of what I want.

I am playing a more dominant role in other areas, and I'm very happy with that, but I need something to balance that or I go nuts, feel guilty and generally get the idea that I'm not wanted.

On the whole, though, you guys are right. I should talk to him about it. I'm just not sure exactly how, and I'm not sure if I can.

Curtis, you had a really good idea. I might try it if I can get over the anxiety that he'll respond negatively. By the way, it's biopsych. That means I can tell you what chemicals are floating around in your brain, but I'm nowhere near as well-versed in the soft science perspective as I should be. And stupid stuff interrupted my life, so I'm not in grad school yet.

And I am horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE with derailing the thread, but I have to say this thing about women being better at interpreting emotions because of connections is a myth, sadly sensationlized by a media that loves to publish pseudoscience if it will up their readership. It is true that women have higher cell density in connective areas of the frontal lobe as a statistical average, but we have not been able to find any affect it would have on behavior - and not for lack of trying. If we do find it gives women some kind of advantage, it will most likely be in judgement, planning or memory. The only way I could see it having to do with emotion is that it could lead to anxiety. On top of all that, brains are adaptive. The brain will create new connections if stimulated appropriately.

Last, but definitely not least, jaeangel, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I think you're very brave.

[jaeangel]

"You guys are so nice to me. And so wise, too. Thank you."
You're welcome.
"I'm still trying to think what to do. I'm just scared of doing the wrong thing and messing everything up. Plus I hate talking about relationshipy feely thingies. Um, am I bad to respond to this?"
No.
"After you guys were all so kind, I don't want to make you feel like you have to keep up this conversation and be my therapist,We're not trying to be therapeutic (or at least I'm not). I'm sorry if i sounded like I was lecturing earlier, or being too flippant. I'm doing this because I want to try and help a submissive Sister who isn't feeling so good right now. so I'm going to respond to the points rather than the individual people who made them.
"I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants."
A D/s relationship is still a relationship. And a relationship is made of two people, each of whom has an equal emotional share and responsibility to make it 'work'. Engaging him in a discussion about "What do I need to do to make YOU happy, dear?" isn't about your needs. It's about his, and what he wants from you. And feelings of inadequacy aren't 'silly'. If they go on long enough they have a detrimental effect on your psyche, your sense of self worth and self-esteem. And that can in turn lead to physical problems, depression, and if it gets that bad, suicide. My mother made me feel worthless throughout my childhood. When i recieved an art scholarship to the local creative arts school, my self esteem was so low that I threw out the paperwork because I thought they made a mistake and I couldn't possibly be that good! And you have no idea just how much I regret doing that now. I even flirted a little with cutting. Not serious, but I did. And I'm not proud to admit it now. But being a submissive doesn't necessarily mean you should only worry about what he wants. It should be about what you both want and/or need.

"I don't want him to read my mind, and I don't want him to know how I feel because then he'll start trying to please me, which is the reverse of what I want."
But he should be trying to please you. Every time he spanks you or whatnot, he's pleasing you, and that makes you happy. (ok, that sounds nuts, but that's how D/s works.) And in return, you should be worrying about what you can do to make him happy, and if he doesn't seem happy with you, you need to ask him what you can do better to serve his needs. It's the whole trust/care/responsibilty thing. You both need to trust, care, and show responsibility for each other. And right now, if he can see you're anxious or worried about something and he's not tryng to figure out what the cause of that anxiety is, then he's not being a properly responsible Dom, and you need to bring that to his attention.

"I am playing a more dominant role in other areas, and I'm very happy with that, but I need something to balance that or I go nuts, feel guilty and generally get the idea that I'm not wanted."
I'm a submissive married to a vanilla man who has lived with his mother all his life. we lived with his parents until our first son came. The thing is, he expects me to do everything his mother did for him. I pay bills, decide what groceries to buy, which meals to prepare, hell, i even decide what he orders in a restaurant and what he buys in the store! He came up to me the other day when we were at the hobby shop (he has a model car hobby) and says "Pookie, which one should I get, the 69 or the 70 Chevelle?" I was like, "You decide." he says, "I can't decide! You pick!" That drives me absolutely completely batty. I'm a submissive by nature; I don't want to make the decisions on what bill we pay when, and how! I want him to do all that! But I do it because that's what he requires of me. i don't like it, but I do it. And i feel guilty about it too. I feel like I'm betraying my own submissive nature. But I've learned to live with it, even though it bugs me.

On the whole, though, you guys are right. I should talk to him about it. I'm just not sure exactly how, and I'm not sure if I can.
"Honey, what can I do better to make you happy?" and go on from there. And don't feel bad if he starts out giving you an absolutely blank look. Just keep going. I'm fairly sure he hasn't got the foggiest idea what he's doing wrong right now.
Curtis, you had a really good idea. I might try it if I can get over the anxiety that he'll respond negatively. By the way, it's biopsych. That means I can tell you what chemicals are floating around in your brain, but I'm nowhere near as well-versed in the soft science perspective as I should be. And stupid stuff interrupted my life, so I'm not in grad school yet.

And I am horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE with derailing the thread, but I have to say this thing about women being better at interpreting emotions because of connections is a myth, sadly sensationlized by a media that loves to publish pseudoscience if it will up their readership. It is true that women have higher cell density in connective areas of the frontal lobe as a statistical average, but we have not been able to find any affect it would have on behavior - and not for lack of trying. If we do find it gives women some kind of advantage, it will most likely be in judgement, planning or memory. The only way I could see it having to do with emotion is that it could lead to anxiety. On top of all that, brains are adaptive. The brain will create new connections if stimulated appropriately.
Oops. Well, I read that somewhere, and now I know it's one of those things you have to take with a grain of salt. My bad. But see "...if stimulated appropriately..." which means you have to 'stimulate' him 'appropriately'!

"Last, but definitely not least, jaeangel, I just want to say I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I think you're very brave."
No. I'm not. If I was truly brave I wouldn't have let my mother run my life after I turned 18. I wouldn't have taken her word that my drawings were trash and I would have accepted that scholarship and gone to that art school. My sister moved out as soon as she turned 18; I should have done the same. I'm a wuss at heart. And I admit that. Not happily. And I really don't like diggin up old memories, but if my story can help you, I'll do it. Gladly.
I hope some of this helped, Flicka. We're your friends here, we want to see you happy. Go ahead, rant, ask, whatever. If we can help, we will. *encouraging pat on the back, hugs Flicka*
Oh, completely an aside here, but...do you mind if i call you Flicka? I don't want to get too familar if you don't want it, but your full screename's sort of long...

[duktig flicka]

Damn you, jae, and your irrefutable, unquestionable and entirely pervasive being-rightness. I'm going to work on the letter. That whole thing was a ridiculously good idea.

And I did say you were brave, not that you were psychic, superhuman or knew everything. Who's being too hard on themselves now? You got through it, you survived, and now look at you harnessing the strength and the kindness to help others. I believe you learned an awful lot from your experiences - it's a horrible way to learn and if I could undo it I certainly would, but it's still worth noting how you emerged with such strength and wisdom.

Of course, you can certainly call me flicka. You can call me just about anything you like as long as it's not something terribly offensive. It's a teensy bit amusing in a cute sort of way to see people addressing me as just flicka since it literally means "girl."

*big warm hugs*

[Ruby]

...your needs are important, too.

As usual, jaeangel, is a breath of fresh air when answering
and we all can learn from her posts.

The comment you made below really touched me in the
been there, experienced that often, kind-of-way:

I don't want this to be about my needs. If I approached it that way, it would defeat the purpose. The very reason I'm upset is because I can't seem to fulfill his needs. It's really hard to let him know that without making the discussion about my own silly feelings of inadequacy. Part of the reason I'm upset is because I've been hinting to him that I want more play, so I'm scared my complaining has put him off. Maybe he doesn't want to do it anymore because I'm not doing it right. I shouldn't complain. My only worry should be about what he wants.

My two cents:

If your needs are not being met, then it affects more than
your relationship; it affects your self esteem, how you treat other people,
how you react, how you behave...it affects everything about you.
If his needs are not being met, same thing.
At this moment, you don't know if his needs are being met, because
you haven't asked him.

My advice, pick one and only one topic. Say to your partner,
I would like to discuss "____" fill in the blank. Do you have time
to talk about this tonight / tomorrow / in a few minutes?
Let him pick the time.

If he says why? You answer, because it's important to me
to know what you think about it.

Let's say the topic is His Needs.
When he's ready to chat you can start by asking:
Are your needs in this relationship being met?

Be prepared for a yes or no without any other comments.
If he says yes, ask what you're doing right and what he likes.
If he says no, ask what you can be doing better.
After he tells you what you can be doing better,
ask what you are doing right.

Be prepared to listen and digest.
He might ask the same questions of you.

Always, always, always, try to end the discussion on
what the two of you like and what you are doing right for each other.

It's good for both of your egos and you might find that your
not out of synch as much as you thought.

Now, a story, to answer the question: Why only one topic at a time?

A good friend of mine is a progammer. He told me this story when I asked him for advice on how to better communicate
with my husband. Perhaps it can help.


He said:
"My wife likes to save everything up for me, so when I come
home at the end of the day, I am bombared with information.
She might start off and ask, 'Why didn't you do -- fill in the blank?'
or 'What do you think we should do about -- fill in the blank?'

I try to answer, but I have to think first. I'm a problem solver,
so I want to think about the question from a number of different angles
and give a good answer.

Before I can answer, she fires off another question.

Now you must understand, I don't hear the second question, because
the first question is still pinging around in my head.
She added another question and it isn't getting through.
Then she asks a third question.

That's it. I'm on overload. I've now got three questions pinging
around in my head, no time to answer any of them, and quite
frankly, I freeze. No words are coming out of my mouth, because
I'm stunned.

So what happens next? She accuses me of not listening, not understanding, not paying attenting to her. Etc.

In reality, I am now so confused that I've forgotten the first question and
am trying to put all my energy into telling her that I do love her and care
about her. Basically trying to say whatever she wants to hear.
I'm beyond answering her first question, because I've forgotten
it in all the noise.

Ruby, I've watched you do the same thing.
Be kind to your husband, ask him or tell him one thing. Then
give him time to think about it and respond. Show him you care
enough about him to give him something precious - your time."


Sounds simple doesn't it? It's not. It's so very, very, hard not
to say all those things we've been thinking and share every little thought
we've had that's got us spinning, ranting and raving.

Ah, you say, but I haven't been sharing. True, and if you
don't soon, you are in danger of exploding. All those pent up thoughts
and feelings will escape at the same time. It's not very pretty.
(At least, it's not when it happens to us.)

If you decide to write a letter instead of hold a conversation.
Then do him the same courtesy. One topic per letter.
Don't expect an immediate answer.

I wish you the best in your relationship,

Ruby

[duktig flicka]

Hi, Ruby. Are you a lurker just now emerging from the woodwork? Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with me. It is duly noted. I wish the best of luck to you.

[jaeangel]

"As usual, jaeangel, is a breath of fresh air when answering
and we all can learn from her posts..."*blushing*

...I try to answer, but I have to think first. I'm a problem solver,
so I want to think about the question from a number of different angles
and give a good answer.

Before I can answer, she fires off another question.

Now you must understand, I don't hear the second question, because
the first question is still pinging around in my head.
She added another question and it isn't getting through.
Then she asks a third question.

That's it. I'm on overload. I've now got three questions pinging
around in my head, no time to answer any of them, and quite
frankly, I freeze. No words are coming out of my mouth, because
I'm stunned.

So what happens next? She accuses me of not listening, not understanding, not paying attenting to her. Etc.

In reality, I am now so confused that I've forgotten the first question and
am trying to put all my energy into telling her that I do love her and care
about her. Basically trying to say whatever she wants to hear.
I'm beyond answering her first question, because I've forgotten
it in all the noise.
My goodness! This must be a male thing, because I swear that's what happens to my hubby. He ends up saying 'whatever' to whatever it is I'm saying, I never realized it was my fault. And since i talk at the speed I think, I think now maybe he only hears 10% of what i said. LOL! I'll have to slow down.
Sounds simple doesn't it? It's not. It's so very, very, hard not
to say all those things we've been thinking and share every little thought
we've had that's got us spinning, ranting and raving.
No KIDDING!!!

Ah, you say, but I haven't been sharing. True, and if you
don't soon, you are in danger of exploding. All those pent up thoughts
and feelings will escape at the same time. It's not very pretty.
(At least, it's not when it happens to us.)
You got that right!
Look, I learned something! Thank you for starting this thread, Flicka. kiss kiss! Hope it goes well!

[Ruby]

Hi, Ruby. Are you a lurker just now emerging from the woodwork? Thank you for sharing your experiences and advice with me. It is duly noted. I wish the best of luck to you.

duktig flicka,

Thank you for starting this thread. I came "out of the woodwork"
for you. Your posts are from the heart. You ask great questions
as well as receive the advice so politely. Asking for help isn't rare,
but willing to receive it with an open mind, is. Bless you, girl,
you are special.

I've been reading the stories for over a year, just began to read the forums and usually I don't have anything to add beyond all the great advice /
comments already given. This one really, really hit me, hard.

I can freak out about something for a day or two and my husband
might have no idea / clue about the incident, nor does he think
anything is wrong.

We now have a 48-hour rule in our home.
If He/I got ticked, upset, worried about something and He/I didn't
bring it up in the first 48 hours - then we have to let it go.
Good news, compliments and/or happy thoughts have no expiration date.

jaeangel,

Thank you for being open and honest with your answers
in all your posts. I've learned so much from you and admire you greatly.

I wish the both of you all the best,

Ruby

[Curtis]

Ruby, your friend the programmer is dead on the money. My ex-girlfriend used to ask me a question, then tell me that if I had to think that long about the answer, I must be trying to make up a lie.

[Chuckdom19]

duktig flicka,

I can freak out about something for a day or two and my husband
might have no idea / clue about the incident, nor does he think
anything is wrong.

We now have a 48-hour rule in our home.
If He/I got ticked, upset, worried about something and He/I didn't
bring it up in the first 48 hours - then we have to let it go.
Good news, compliments and/or happy thoughts have no expiration date.

jaeangel,

Thank you for being open and honest with your answers
in all your posts. I've learned so much from you and admire you greatly.

I wish the both of you all the best,

Ruby

Ruby,
It's awfully nice to say the things you did, too. Lots of good advice on these boards may be read, but never gets responded to. That makes *you* special too!

My partner and I have house rules with the kids and with each other: anything bugging you must be aired out and brought into the light before bedtime. Sometimes just stating the problem makes the load lighter, sometimes solving or suggesting solutions can warm the heart with appreciation for family support.

We never go to sleep before a dispute is settled or a bad situation faced and attacked. As we don't know if we'll wake tomorrow, we always close our eyes knowing the love we share.

[Ruby]

Curtis, that must have been rough.

I have a girl friend, who says the same thing about her husband.
The trust has gone out of the relationship. And we all know
what happens when the trust is gone.

chksng19,

Excellent advice. Our pastor gave us similar rules
for our "disputes" and we still follow them today.
* No fighting in the bedroom.
* No going to bed angry. (Sleeping on the couch is out!)
* Kiss and make up before you go to sleep.

It's led to some very late nights, but has been a marriage saver.

The 48-hour rule was born, because sometimes my husband
gets upset about something, but doesn't know if he wants to
talk about it or if its worth getting upset over. If he's still
frustrated the next day, then we chat about it.
If not, he lets it go.

I have a different problem, I like to bring up everything, all at
once and bombard the man. No holding back. Perhaps, its that
Scorpio thing. LOL. That's why I have to work on the "one-topic-at-a-time".

Thanks again duktig flicka for starting this thread.
This sparked a great discussion with my husband
and reminded me of my 'naughty' ways.

Happy Halloween to all!

[duktig flicka]

Excellent advice. Our pastor gave us similar rules
for our "disputes" and we still follow them today.
* No fighting in the bedroom.
* No going to bed angry. (Sleeping on the couch is out!)
* Kiss and make up before you go to sleep.

So going to bed filled with anxiety about what you might have done wrong is acceptable? :p

Thank you so much, Ruby. It was so terribly kind of you. I hope you keep posting!

[Ruby]

So going to bed filled with anxiety about what you might have done wrong is acceptable? :p

Thank you so much, Ruby. It was so terribly kind of you. I hope you keep posting!

Going to bed filled with anxiety doesn't work for me.
It's my hubby who can do that. ;)

I have a limit of about 3 hours, then I have to know
what's up, what's what and what's going on. Everything.
Then I start grilling him about stuff he probably doesn't know about
or don't give him enough time to think about what I'm saying
cause I'm pushing for immediate gratification.

Oh, wait...yes, that's what gets "me" in trouble. Darn.

[duktig flicka]

See, now that's the bad kind of trouble to be in. ;)