whats going on?

[symphony]

after talking about this on chat it was suggested i post on here, so here i am. I feel like I'm going mad, so any advice would be appreciated.

Background. We have been together for 5 years, we live together. I am a sub.

I introduced him to the lifestyle and he was happy if not relieved as he said he felt the same way and had always secretly desired that sort of relationship. He bought me a collar and rope etc. Tried things out and it worked really well. But now my collar sits on the shelf, the toys are in the cupboard, and he doesnt seem to want to know. We barely do anything anymore vanilla or otherwise.

I know you are all going to scream talk to him at me, but believe me we do, he says he does really want it, he says he does love me (trust me he does mentally and friendship wise there is no problem). He says that hes just been a bit stressed lately (but lately has turned into years)

he says that hes just learning so hes not always sure what to do but he does want things, says all the things that give me hope and then nothing materialises. I dont want to leave, i love him, hes wonderful and the D/s thing was also wonderful when it was actually happening.

I just dont know whats going on, I dont know what to do, I feel like im going to explode. Am i just kidding myself that hes into this, because for me its not somthing that i can just put down and ignore. Is there somthing i can do to help or should i just give up?

When you Doms were first getting started was it a rocky intimidating road that took you a couple of years to be comfortable with, or is him feeling like that telling me somthing?

[Lisais mine]

i am not your guy, first of all, so my opinions may be totally different.

I was like a kid in a candy store, well, if they sold screams and leather in candy stores instead of candy...

but i do go through phases that i am not as interested in full blown scenes and stuff.

[_ID_]

When you Doms were first getting started was it a rocky intimidating road that took you a couple of years to be comfortable with, or is him feeling like that telling me somthing?

I took about 5 years to get my feet under me and know what exactly I wanted. Some people take decades to achieve that, some people only take months. What I'm saying is there is no real time frame set for any person to figure out what they want out of this, if anything at all.

What does that mean for your relationship? It means that your Dom could want this, but just not what he wants out of it. Or that he may be a kinky vanilla person who enjoys some occasional spice in the bedroom but not much more.

[Ozme52]

Or he may be afraid to admit it does nothing for him... and that his interest in it was really his interest in you... and wanting to make you happy no matter what... but "no matter what" fades when one feels secure.

You just may have a vanilla partner and have some decisions to make.

[flying66]

years? and barely anything anymore vanilla or otherwise?

maybe he's depressed... like in a clinical sense. If you feel like nothing is happening in the bedroom, regardless of whether it's bdsm or not, maybe you guys wanna see if he's got some of those good ol' brain chemistry issues where his serotonin levels just aren't making the cut.

I'm not sure if you're having trouble getting him to just do things/get him out of the house but it sure sounds like depression to me. I've had a couple friends who were clinically diagnosed with it and I know how they were like when it happened so I'm not completely talking out of my ass here XD

[Jennifer Williams]

That is a pretty good suggestion, especially if "stressed out lately" is a phrase he's been using for years. Maybe it has nothing to do with BDSM, and he really has other life issues to work out (when a person has something eating at them other things tend to fall by the wayside, sex included). Maybe you could try asking if he'll see a therapist, or if you can go together for couples counseling (so that it's a thing you're doing together).

[MaxxPayne]

maybe lack of creative ideas. when you first introduced him to bdsm, he liked it because it was new to him. you two will have figure out ways to make it more interesting imho.

[norton]

Several years ago I was asked to find out what was wrong with a couple's relationship. They had lived together for a year and after they were married his sexual interest went down to zero. She was puzzled, hurt, in a turmoil and asked me to get him alone and try to find out. I took him out for a beer and after a few I asked "How are you and her getting along."

Took a bit of questioning but he related to me a particular problem in his vanilla work life that threw him off.

I told his wife and she was elated to know there was a reason so they could deal with it.

Knowing men, I would say go naked and carry a sandwich.