how to tell

[submissivebeauty]

how can a Dom/me tell who is a submissive,
can You tell on the street by looking at someone ?
can You tell from a short converstation.

i always read about people who didn't know until they met someone in a club who was an experienced Dom and made them realise who they truely are.

does that happen in r/l ?

[Master4girls]

Yes and no, in my experience you can tell what a person is like by observing them or being in a social gathering with them. One can tell whether someone is loud and likes to be the centre of attention or the one always talking. One can tell if someone doesnt say much nor doesnt join in much on the conversation but it doesnt definetly define whether they are submissive or dominant. For myself, I can tell whether a girl is dominant by how they act and talk, some girls are just fiesty and dominant that one can tell from the onset and one would know who wears the pants in that relationship. However I have known for some girls, its just something they appear to be like when they are deep down submissive and are just looking for someone with balls to give up control to.

Whereas I myself is a perfect example of this, I am not very dominant at work or in a social context and can relate to the category where I dont need to be the loudest one in the group or always being the instigator of fights and arguments and rather let things be and avoid conflict. However I am dominant and in relationships like things done my way and having a girl to look after and be submissive to me.

So in answering your question, in my experience there are the extreme people who definetly fall within one category or other by their behaviour and actions, the type who are shy and the extroverts but for all the people that fall in between those extremeties, its harder to tell. And no you cannot definetly tell whether someone is dominant by just looking at them on the street...Ive found that out the hard way, when I thought this sweet innocent girl was cute then she spoke and boy did she have a mouth on her!

Hope that helps!

[Jennifer Williams]

when I thought this sweet innocent girl was cute then she spoke and boy did she have a mouth on her!
:D That might have been me you saw.

In all seriousness, it is like trying to judge a person for any other personality trait. I would tell you that yes, you can tell, but just like judging someone for any other reason, you can also be wrong. I like to think I can hunt out a male submissive from ten miles away, and a lot of the time I can, but I have been wrong. Sometimes a person is dominant or submissive but only in a particular situation, and if that's how you first see them then you're not getting the whole picture. Also sometimes people don't know who they are, or even more confusing, can change who they are.

But if it's guidelines you want,


how can a Dom/me tell who is a submissive,
Most of them tend to say "okay" a lot and if someone else tells them (or a group they are part of) what to do, they're relieved, as in "phew, someone's in charge." They tend to do what I tell them, but I can't go by that alone since 90% of people I meet tend to do what I tell them. Unless there's another dom in the room, I am in charge. :D



can You tell on the street by looking at someone ?
No. You can't judge a person's personality by what they look like alone.



can You tell from a short converstation.
Depends on the conversation. ;) But frequently, you can make a good guess after talking for a few minutes. But it's just a guess.



i always read about people who didn't know until they met someone in a club who was an experienced Dom and made them realise who they truely are. Do people change parts of who they are and discover things about themselves when they're in a serious relationship? Of course.

[Ozme52]

Good post Jennifer.

I struggle with this question (it gets asked a lot) because I feel like I should be able to tell... but in reality, it's not necessary. In the vanilla world, I judge on vanilla traits. In the kink world, it's not an issue. Everyone at a gathering is one or the other or both. And when it comes to sussing out subs... all that matters is how they react to me.

;)

[socal_dan]

I kind of have a hard time with this too, because yes, sometimes, but no sometimes.

In general I can tell who is or would be submissive, or not. But I have no ability to "sniff out" Doms... in fact I've been quite surprised a few times when somebody tells me they are.

First impressions are generally really bad for this. A few weeks ago I sat down with somebody in a kink setting and was thinking, based on a whole lot of things, that it was pretty obvious he was a sub. A little while later we ended up talking, and it was very very obvious I'd been incredibly wrong about that.

With people who are completely vanilla I can sometimes tell which way they would tend towards, and sometimes not. Some people make it obvious they want to be controlled, or are very deferential.

In a kink setting, it's far easier. Obviously experienced "players" will know for themselves, and there's just not much guessing or confusion. People who are new, or curious, though, may say one thing (and may even believe they have a certain orientation), and act completely differently. But because it's framed in a certain setting, it's easier to pick out those traits.

As to whether it happens in real life... I've been through it, once. I don't think it's exactly common though. It's not like Doms are out and about prowling clubs and back alleys, hunting for some vulnerable vanilla who doesn't know they're submissive yet, or anything like that.

[fetishdj]

How can you tell? Easy...

Person 1: Are you kinky?

Person 2: No, go away you wierdo

Or

Person 2: Why yes, I am. Are you?

Also, generally in a BDSM club, the Dominants will be the ones sitting down, the subs will be the ones kneeling or fetching drinks...

:)

As Jennifer stated, a short conversation can tell you, assuming it is the correct short conversation...

Seriously, the whole gamut of human responses is so vastly complicated that it is impossible to completely classify an individual from minimal information. Psychologists try to simplify it with many personality types and labelling (of which submissive and dominant are only 2) but it is really not as simple as they try to paint it.

This is made even more complicated by the concept of demeanour. Everyone in the world puts a public face on. Even to close friends and family you have a 'persona' that you create and project for their benefit. I know of some subs who act very dominant in most social and work situations but who relax by dropping this act. This is me to a large extent. I have also known dom/mes who are apparently not at all dominant - at least in public - but as soon as you get them in private they are.

I would say that you could maybe detect some of the extreme traits but, as stated already, you have to be ready to be wrong. Only sure method is to straight out ask them.

[Jennifer Williams]

It's not like Doms are out and about prowling clubs and back alleys, hunting for some vulnerable vanilla who doesn't know they're submissive yet, or anything like that.
How can you tell? Easy...

Person 1: Are you kinky?

Person 2: No, go away you wierdo

Or

Person 2: Why yes, I am. Are you?

LMAO, *snort*, ROTFL, *wipes tear from eyes* I'll have you know I think I've scared the neighbors laughing so hard at 7:45 in the morning, oh, I love this place...

Seriously, though, I don't know what subbmisivebeauty's situation is, but I assumed that she wasn't lucky enough to be in a BDSM club. I've never had the privilege, either, so I know what it's like to try to "sniff out" what you're looking for out of the general population. Fetish, I can't tell you how many times I've gotten response 1) and then tried to play it off as a joke after...*shudders*

[fetishdj]

I think this is the juncture in this conversation where someone mentions munches and tells the OP to consider looking in their local area for munches where they can meet definitely kinky people in a safe, vanilla environment.

Being the kind, considerate submissive that I am I have, of course, just done this in order to save any of the Dominants the trouble of doing so :)

Maybe we need a secret handshake, like the Masons? So we can tell who we all are without resorting to potential 'accidental outings' :) In the old days we had the scarf code but a) no one seems to use that any more b) no one seems to be able to agree the exact meaning of many of the scarf arrangements (it seems to vary from location to location from my reading) and c) no one wears scarves any more to go clubbing so anyone wearing scarves of any colour would stand out... :)

There is also the Triskelli symbol which some have adopted for use to represent the lifestyle but I don't think this is universal and some people wear jewellry with that on it because they like celtic looking jewellry rather than because they are kinky...

So, any more potential universal signs of being kinky that are out there?

[13'sbadkitty]

well, fetish i did realize after about an hour at my sons soccer game that i had been kneeling for all of it rather than sitting cross legged and that my knees where spread while i did so, i wonder how many people got signaled that day? lmao, i suddenly realized how i was sitting and snapped my legs shut! fortunately my collar was home and i had jeans on!

[fetishdj]

Kneeling is not a major sign, though legs apart may be... I wonder if young girls are taught how to sit with thier legs together as they used to be many years ago :)

[Jennifer Williams]

Now that we're all allowed to wear pants, not so much. ;)


Kneeling is not a major sign, though legs apart may be...
What I usually find is that things which seem so BDSM to a person listening for it will go right over a vanilla's head. For example, the "fetch boy" at my job (whom is trying to switch to another department and I really, really hope he gets the position) will reply to every thing I say to him with "Yes, Miss" or "Thank you, Miss", but he doesn't give any other supervisor such titles. Is that a clue as to what he is? By itself I suppose it's rather ambiguous, except combined with a hundred other subtle things that he does all day which wind up with us having this lengthy unspoken conversation that nobody else is aware of that I can't seem to ignore (I swear there is something wrong with me that I continue to be attracted to this person).

Okay, that was a tangent. Back to my point, which was 'is kneeling a sign?' I think it would attract attention if the right person was watching, but to vanillas it's nothing at all. However that alone, by itself, isn't enough to make anyone sure, either. Case in point? Eventually, you have to just plain ask.